I dont understand men.

sunnyday7 · 05-24-2009, 09:55 PM

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I wanted to get some advice about how a husband should act. I know that there isn't a typical way that they should act but I kind of want to know if maybe i am in a very bad marriage.

This thread is not to complain about my husband because i do things as well that aren't great either, but just wanted some advice to see if any of this is typical.

When i ask my husband to do something he says he will get it later, and then when i go to do it because it's been forever he says "oh i was just getting ready to do that"....also if i tell him to do something instead of ask he always tells me to quit being bossy, but he often tells me to do things.

If i interrupt him while he is talking alot of times he will say really mean like," excuse me i was talking". I've even heard him say that to his mother.

He never helps around the house except to do the laundry, which he only does because he wants to have clean clothes. He complains often if i hang something up on the wall or if i move something in the house around he says it looks stupid or it just doesnt look right.

I've posted here before about this one, he still goes to some website called adultspace and watches women on webcam and tries to get these women to have phone sex with him. We have talked and talked about this and i have told him that if he would just stop doing these things that i would be more apt to do more things with him sexually, but i despise that he does these things and i dont feel attracted to him at all because of that.

He always tries to buy me things or do nice things for me right after he has done these things. I really dont know how to make our marriage better and he always says that he loves me. I have waited for him to maybe outgrow this but he hasnt. He knows how much this offends me as well....

Also when i want to go do things by myself he acts like a child and we usually end up arguing over me wanting to go shopping with my mom or just visiting a family member. He often tells me that women have no concept of time and that he wouldnt mind if i go if i would just get back at the time that i say that i will.

Some insight would be nice, thanks

Greatermindset · 05-24-2009, 10:34 PM

ok, to be fair to him, what are some of the nice things he does and how do you reward him on a regular basis when he does it?

sunnyday7 · 05-24-2009, 10:50 PM

Well, he folds my laundry, which i always tell him thank you for.

He always makes sure that i have everything that i need, like he puts my cellphone in my purse, etc.

He buys me things from time to time and ocassionally he takes me out to eat....but everytime he does anything nice for me i always wonder if he is just doing it to cover up his guilt. I know thats not fair to him, but that's just how it's been for the last two years. A lot of times i give him the benefit of the doubt and i accept it as him being nice, but almost always i find out later that it wasn't just him being nice.

Greatermindset · 05-24-2009, 11:47 PM

That's good to hear about the positives.

So when he upsets you, how do you respond to him or punish him?

1nurse · 05-25-2009, 04:48 AM

Aside from the day to day living together and bad habits he has that bother you the virtual sex life habit would bother me tremendously!! He's feeling guilty about his little problem that's why he buys you gifts or does nice things for you afterwards. I think he may have a problem here. Any man who is going to a sex website and having phone sex while he has a perfectly good woman with him has issues. Maybe a marriage therapist or councellor would be in order. I can see how this would be a TOTAL turnoff for you. Would be a dealbreaker for me. If your sex life has suffered or been nonexistent then therapy would be a good start for you as to figure out why. Suggest it to him and see how it flies. After all in my opinion sex with a live person would be better than virtual phone sex wouldn't it? I know which one I'd prefer. Good Luck.

sunnyday7 · 05-25-2009, 08:00 AM

It is a big problem for me (the virtual sex) and makes everything else that he does just that much harder to take as well. He has told me that it had nothing to do with me.

Like I said I have told him that if he would just stop doing it then I would be more into some of the sexual things, but he always denies that he is even doing anything and I know that he is doing these things. And sometimes he stops doing these things for a week or two and he expects in a week or two is all I need to forgive and forget and move on. It's hard for me to get over. The thing is how do I even know if he is even doing nice things for me anymore or treating me like he should, i always think he is only doing them because of the guilt.

I do feel sorry for him and think that he has a problem. I have asked him if he wanted to go talk to our pastor and he says that he doesnt have a problem. I try not to let it bother me, but even when we make love it's more like i am one of those girls that he talks to and not his wife.

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-25-2009, 08:08 AM

He obviously does have a problem if it is effecting your marriage in a negative way. Explain to him your feelings.. do it now before it is too late to repair. Tell him that if it wasn't a problem you wouldn't be feeling the way you do about it.

I would drag him kicking and screaming to talk to your pastor.. or a therapist.. or SOMEBODY! If he doesn't realize the marriage is in trouble he is living in lala land.. tell him you don't want it to end! Tell him you want to get HELP!

My H tried the "I don't have a problem, you do" thing... I am at the point now where I have emotionally detached myself from my H. I refused to let his addiction hurt me any more.. so I put a protective sheild around myself. And now I don't think I can get past it. I'm to the point where physical contact with him is nausiating. Don't get to this point in your marriage.. get help now!

It might even help if you go alone and talk to your pastor. If he won't get the help... at least maybe you can get some help for yourself... gain some insight and whatnot... You are worth more than being treated this way.

sunnyday7 · 05-25-2009, 08:32 AM

Breathless I am afraid it has already gotten to that point. I do not feel connected to him at all. Whenver we are together I feel no emotion for him at all.

I dont even feel friendly to him in anyway and when he touches me I feel exactly like you described. It repulses me and I pray that when we have sex that it's over quick. I hate to leave someone that needs help but I just dont know what to do or how I could even begin to feel anything for him anymore.

I told him awhile back that he was going to keep it up and that I would have to leave. I just dont think he gets what this has caused our marriage. He acts like if he never touches anyone that he hasnt done anything.

I am sorry breathless that you have been through this as well. How long has been like that for you?

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-25-2009, 08:48 AM

I have been trying to deal with H's addiction for 7 years.. he's had it for over 10 at least. But it has just steadly gotten worse to where it couldn't be ignored any longer.

2 years ago I had the "If it doesn't quit I'm outta here" speech with him. It didn't sink in. We tried therapy at first, but after 2 sessions he quit, stating he didn't have a problem, I did. I continued to see the therapist for my own benefit, and have recently realized that its not going to change.

Last thursday night I informed H that I am leaving. He told me he didn't want me to go, because he doesn't want to be away from his kids, not because he wants to save the marriage. So that in itself is enough for me to know that its time to move on.

I hope it all works out for you, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm always here if you need an ear

SB

1nurse · 05-25-2009, 09:51 AM

If your husband's habits and behaviour are a huge turnoff for you then WHY are you still having sex with him???? You do have a choice here. By continuing to have relations with him you are just condoning his behviour. Sex with him should stop NOW until he's ready to face up to the fact that his problem IS affecting your marriage. You are just enabling him to not get the help you both need. Stand your ground and tell him it's therapy OR sex and possibly your marriage are over.

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-25-2009, 09:56 AM

I have only had sex with my H 3 times in the last year.. so sex is pretty much non existant.. last time was in april cuz it was our anniversary so I threw him a bone... we don't sleep in the same bed anymore.. and I do not allow him to touch me at any time...

I admit I snap at him when he tries to show me any physical attention at all, but I just can't stand the feeling of him any where near me.. Hence.. me leaving.. it's not normal to live like this, and I want my kids to see a healthy relationship.. not one thats messed up like this.

Greatermindset · 05-25-2009, 11:27 PM

Women, when the rules of the relationship game is setup where it's very difficult for the man to feel like a winner, he'll feel the pain and eventually focus on somewhere else where he'll get pleasure. If it's not work, or a hobby, it will be with another person. Everyone knows what I'm talking about.

Society these days automatically assume it's always the guys fault, but if they're able to step back for a second, they'll see both parties are equally responsible.

Men will do anything for their women to keep them happy. When they don't get rewarded, get conflicting messages, or get constantly beat down, they'll eventually stop doing all the nice things and women wonder why the passion is gone. Look after your man! Let him be your hero. Create the opportunities for him to feel like your hero and he'll start doing more for you.

sunnyday7 · 05-26-2009, 07:50 AM

Greatermindset, if your husband has an addiction problem it doesnt matter how much attention you pay him he is still going to do these things. I have tried, I have did everything imaginable when all this first started to get him more interested in me and less in the "internet fantasies" and nothing. So why should I try now. There is no point, all I am doing is sacrificing my beliefs in order to make him happy. Is that fair to me? I can't make him feel happy all the time it's up to himself to find other outlets to chanel his energies not for his wife.

I used to show my husband attention, we used to do everything together. Isn't it understandable that now after almost 3 years of this that I have pulled away.

unhappy at home · 05-26-2009, 08:22 AM

Greatmindset, I agree with what you wrote, but this works both ways, it is the same for women, as far as I am concerned.
Women need to feel that they are important and valued, maybe not the "hero", but the reciprocation of affection, if it is not reciprocated or rejected more than not, we too turn away and look for something or someone to fill the void of feeling unloved and not valued.

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-26-2009, 10:08 AM

My H has an addiction.. it is something we have (or I have) tried to fix. I have tried to be there for him.. he claims I am the one with the problem. He choses his porn or games over me and my children. There is only so much a woman can do or take.

When my H is watching pornography with my two year old daughter sitting on his lap.. THAT IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

When my H would rather have internet and phone sex with women he met online then come to bed with me.. THAT IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

When he spends over 1200 dollars in one weekend on pornography and strippers.. IT IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

We are talking about an addiction here, not something where I gave him the cold shoulder one night and he went elsewhere to find release... this is something that controls his life!!