Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

After reading the book I printed out the Questionnaire, one for my wife and one for me and anxiously waited for my wife to finish her round of the book so we could get some real communicating going on. I couldn't wait any longer so I filled mine out and waited.........and waited.

AND am still waiting for my wife to finish reading the book. She had stopped after finding out about the questionnare. She said that it is a test for me to make judgements about her. She has 25 pages left of the book and refuses to finish it or fill out the questionnaire. My questionnaire is dated August 28...

She refuses to talk without a middle man present, ie MC. She just stonewalls me for the most part. I told her I will not drop the coin on a MC until we atleast give the easy stuff a try like reading the books and talking about them together.

Unfortunately for her this time span has given me a chance to analyze my feelings more and her unwillingness to even do such a simple step for us says alot to me.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

But posting this just reminded me that I feel she has checked out of the relationship which I have thought in the past. Which is why she is so adiment about not doing even the smallest things to help us. But then I want to discuss divorce and she freaks out saying that I am just throwing her out on the street like a dog!

Damn I am confused.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The questionnaire Obviously isn't working and it sounds to me like you both would greatly benefit from marriage counseling. So what are you waiting for? Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, tell her she can go with you or you'll go alone. And if she chooses not to go, use the opportunity to discuss with the marital counsler what YOU can do to improve the marriage. As many have stated on this forum, you can only control your actions, not your spouses.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

Yep what is wrong with me, why can't I let MC happen? Maybe I am to selfish, I really really don't want to do anything else for her. So much resentment built up.

Now the cycle I have rode so many times has just reset to me blaming myself again. I am the problem not her.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

I am not very skilled at searching someone's past posts. I saw one that said your wife is quite attached to a female friend and you feel pretty excluded by it, but no other ones about your relationship. So please forgive me if I'm way off base here. My reply is based on her response to this questionnaire and the way she seems to have checked out of your marriage.

It sounds like she perceives you as hostile toward her. It's bad enough when someone feels criticized and hurt, but when they strongly believe that your INTENTION is to do this, it makes me think that there is whole lot that you're not saying.

Why won't you go to MC? Instead of blaming yourself (which is unproductive) why not go about changing yourself (which might salvage your relationship)?
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Another Planet View Post
Yep what is wrong with me, why can't I let MC happen? Maybe I am to selfish, I really really don't want to do anything else for her. So much resentment built up.

Now the cycle I have rode so many times has just reset to me blaming myself again. I am the problem not her.
You are both part of the problem, blaming yourself alone wont have any positive effect on your relationship. Maybe you're not so keen on marriage counseling because you think "she can't even fill out a stupid questionnaire to help our marriage, so why should I fork out the cash for MC when she clearly doesn't want to do anything to improve the marriage,".

However she may just be thinking, " I've said I feel MC could really benefit our marriage, why isn't he listening to me? Why does he keep pushing a questionnaire instead of seeing a professional to truly help our marriage."

Or maybe she says she'll only do MC because she thinks you will never book an appt. and when the marriage fails she can blame you for ending it.

This is all speculation of course. But what I'd like you to get out if my message is " just because you feel one way very strongly (like about the questionnaire helping things)
Doesn't mean she should have the same opinion as you. Or that you're more right than her.

I think marriage counseling could really help you to work out your issues in a more productive way than blaming each other and building more resentment in the process. Swallow your pride and make the call to a good MC. Even if she doesn't go, you can learn a lot about yourself and how to handle relationship issues in a more productive way.

You ever hear the old quote: Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

I like questionnaires, you find out a lot about people in small ways. People make games out of it. My fiance felt I might use one of his answers against him too. But the truth is he is not much of a talker so I feel happy when he does answer seemingly insignificant questions. I love him for who he is and if we express feelings differently that is fine but when I am the one always initiating a conversation saying "Hey I had an interesting thought today..." or "I found something that will help you with_____...." It gets old.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyBatesel View Post
I am not very skilled at searching someone's past posts. I saw one that said your wife is quite attached to a female friend and you feel pretty excluded by it, but no other ones about your relationship. So please forgive me if I'm way off base here. My reply is based on her response to this questionnaire and the way she seems to have checked out of your marriage.

It sounds like she perceives you as hostile toward her. It's bad enough when someone feels criticized and hurt, but when they strongly believe that your INTENTION is to do this, it makes me think that there is whole lot that you're not saying.

Why won't you go to MC? Instead of blaming yourself (which is unproductive) why not go about changing yourself (which might salvage your relationship)?
Yes, she has a girlfriend who she has taken it to far with. Example, yesterday she helped this girlfriend and her family move into their new home. She left me and the kids at home around 9:30am, she woke me up on the couch at 11:45pm last night when she got home...wearing her GF's jacket.

WHICH under many normal circumstances would be perfectly fine right? Well not if the day before she woke up and immediately texted her GF so she could make sure we were meeting at the school as usual to drop the kids off. Then at the school after we drop the kids off I wait in the van while she talks to her friend for 20-30 minutes unless I tell her it is time to go, which I don't like to do because then I get treated like I am an acehole. When we get home she tells me that GF is coming to drop her youngest off to babysit while GF is at work. Then she and her GF talk and text literally all day until my wife needs to go to work at 3pm(they work at the same place). And no work does not get in the way of their cellphones very much. Then at 7:30pm wife comes home from work, eats the dinner I made then goes to the bedroom to watch the same movie GF is watching while playing games with eachother on their iphones and talking about the movie.

This is basically everyday just switch somethings around.

Oh yeah and I haven't had sex in like 5 months, and yes I have tried.

She wonders why I had an emotional affair with another woman. Luckily short lived because husband of other woman was sniffing around.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

Yes she does percive me as hostile towards her, but I am pretty sure it is part of her game to let her continue with her thing...I am abusive so she can continue treating me this way?... I am not hostile by the way, if I was so hostile why would she leave her children with me. I have never laid a finger on her, I have spanked my kids before but decided I did not like that kind of parenting so won't ever happen again.

She might possibly think I am hostile because we now argue...alot. It has been awhile since we can have a normal conversation honestly. But in my defense the only thing she talks about is her GF or her GF's family or her GF working or when they are meeting next or her GF's kids.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

By hostile, I mean she thinks you are critical and don't accept her. There is certainly some truth to that.

On the other hand, there's also truth that she may be claiming this to continue what she is doing.

My gut instinct is that she's married to this other woman and using you to "pass" as heterosexual. I don't understand why you continue to try when it's clear that she isn't interested. I also don't understand why you wouldn't JUMP at the chance to get into MC with her if you want to keep trying.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyBatesel View Post
By hostile, I mean she thinks you are critical and don't accept her. There is certainly some truth to that.

On the other hand, there's also truth that she may be claiming this to continue what she is doing.

My gut instinct is that she's married to this other woman and using you to "pass" as heterosexual. I don't understand why you continue to try when it's clear that she isn't interested. I also don't understand why you wouldn't JUMP at the chance to get into MC with her if you want to keep trying.
Yes, she says I am critical of her but it usaully involves her saying "I don't like her for who she is" which usually happens from an argument about her and GF.

The lesbian thing would be pretty funny honestly. I actually lol'ed when I read that, no offense to you I just never thought of that. She doesn't even like to look at herself naked down there.

No I think she is more just completely infatuated with her friends life, and I have witnessed her GF's husband checking my wife up and down, multiple times. And I know she compares me and him.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Harley's Emotional Needs Questionnaire and my wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathyBatesel View Post
By hostile, I mean she thinks you are critical and don't accept her. There is certainly some truth to that.

On the other hand, there's also truth that she may be claiming this to continue what she is doing.

My gut instinct is that she's married to this other woman and using you to "pass" as heterosexual. I don't understand why you continue to try when it's clear that she isn't interested. I also don't understand why you wouldn't JUMP at the chance to get into MC with her if you want to keep trying.
Continue to try with the marriage or sex? Marriage because we have kids and I do love her very much, sex well because I am a guy...and I don't try very often. Often the first month or two then I didn't like the idea of it being like rape and have maybe only tried a handful of times since.

No she doesn't like to kiss me, touch me, look at me, be anywhere near me.....pretty much seems like she hates me BUT like I said as soon as I mention divorce she freaks out.

Yep she has checked out and must be a cake eater huh?
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