SFladybug

I have never posted here, but I am not sure where to turn today after a recent discovery that my husband is looking at Craig's List casual encounters postings. Is he looking for a casual hook-up or just curious???? I do not know whether to confront with what I know or wait to see if there is concrete evidence he is looking to go outside our marriage. We have been married since I was 19 and we have had a long rocky marriage. To keep this short, I will just say we both strayed when we were younger, then reconcilled. We have seen counselors over the years, but it is still not a very satisfying marriage. I found out he was looking at porn online a few years ago. Tears, counseling, statements he did not want to do it, but I suspect it has still been a routine.

Now, it seems he may have "graduated" to trolling for casual encounters via Craig's list. I can't prove it's anything more than looking at the ads. I want to confront, but I really don't even know where to start. I am sad, hurt, angry and fearful about the future if we can't make this work. After all our years and experiences, I mostly just feel numb and hopeless that we can actually experience happiness together. What would you do? Thanks for your thoughts.

martino

I think thousands and thousands of husbands troll on there. Post an ad that you think he would respond to and see if he does.

__________________
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." -Thomas Szasz

dcrim

hmmm, yeah...see if he contacts you...that will tell you all you need to know.

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It ain't illegal until you're caught!

revitalizedhusband

I like the "sting" operation of posting an ad you think he'd respond to.

You could also install a key logger on the computer and get his email accounts/passwords and check his email.

Sufficiently Breathless

My H did this too.. which lead to him having an emotional affair, calling her while he was at work, and talking to her all hours of the day when he was at home on the computer.

Since then I have used a password to get on the computer, so H can't get on anymore.

Now he has switched to online gaming with his xbox.. so if you take something away he will just find other avenues to get his "fix".

My H is heavily into the porn as well.. ordering stuff over the phone, going to a local "adult store" and purchasing movies and magazines, and hiding them so I can't find them. Which always backfires, I find them everywhere. Or my 13 year old cousin finds them for me (ugh.. long story)

Anyway, if he has an addiction, he will always find other avenues to get his fix if you take something away. I would give him an ultimatum.. tell him it stops or you leave. See what he says. Aske him to join you in therapy, see if hes willing.

Setting up a "sting" as suggested here, if he bites is only going to hurt you worse when you find out. And will lead to him being bitter and angry at you when he finds out. Try to fix the issue without being "coniving or sneaky".

This is a very tough situation and I have been there, dealing with it for the last upteen billion years (it feels like anyway).

I installed a keylogger and spyware thing on my comp and it just confirmed everything I had suspected. And made me feel worse. Not only because I found out EVERYTHING that was going on, but also I felt a little guilty for spying on him. If a relationship is coming to that, it has issues that need to be fixed!!

SFladybug

Thanks for the ideas to all. Thinking about the Casual Encounter post....hmmmm.
Sufficiently Breathless, you are right about the addiction MO and about the snooping. It's just that whenever I think we have turned a positive corner, I find some new stupidity. It makes me wonder how I will find the level of respect and interest in him that I need in order to look forward to being together. Counseling is a logical suggestion, but I am hesitant to do so. It has only helped for a while in the past. Plus, I am not sure I want to share my own "demons" yet. I can't stay in this limbo much longer because I want something better in my marriage.

2fearlesslove

My H definitely frequented the Casual Encounter ads as well as Erotic Services (thank the Lord they took that section down) and his phone records actually reflected him calling these women as well as emails. I nipped it in the butt, once I saw the phone records I didn't need to set up a sting operation because he was caught red handed. You can go into craigslist for your city and if you see any wierd numbers on his phone bill search them on the craigslist page... thats what I did... it was disgusting how many erotic services prostitutes my H was calling DAILY!
And I agree with another posting... he will find another "fix" my H loves forums, video games, etc... porn isn't an issue because I personally love porn... I digress... My advice is to find out his intentions by either checking phone records or "sting operation" or even both!
Good Luck!!

Sensitive

I never knew Craigslist is the new Adult Friend Finder. Now I have a new thing to be jealous about. My hubby uses Craigslist to buy used stuff, so he says.

After reading your other posts, I really think your hubby is trying to get even for you having a previous affair. Men often have affairs for sex, and women often prefer the emotional attachment. Either way, it is harmful to a marriage.

SFladybug

Yeah, don't I know it. I never knew about Craig's List either and my husband spends a lot of time "buying" things on Ebay, etc. To me the computer became, even before I knew about this aspect, another intrusion...the place he would go to avoid us. Sorry to give you something new to be jealous about - probably not the same thing with you and your hubby. The good news is that we did talk about this together this past week. There are times when talking really does clear the air. He says he just turns to it as a way to get the visual "thrill" and not to hook-up. I still don't know if I trust that he is not actually meeting people that way. I am VERY aware of the irony of being hurt and worried about his behavior when I am struggling to really love him. Yet, it does seem different to me (of course). I want emotional connection on my terms. He wants sex on his. Still, we both want to be there fore each other... so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.