General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
"forgot" to give me a hug when he got home, didn't talk, didn't touch while we were watching the movie even tho I made my self avalible and touched him. Just everything about him was screaming "i don't see you, you aren't there"
When we went to bed, his feet did touch mine, but even when I sweetly asked to snuggle he was cold and distant, holding me like i was a dead snake. I asked him "what can we do to get closer, I don't like this distance" he said (drum roll please)
I don't know
sigh. This morning he was cold again, and putting on cologne (who wears cologne to go fix pools?) for work.
I just don't get it. The week of 'back off and let him be nice but don't push' seems to be back and forth.
It is tough and I'm sure that is why my wife is so full of resentment to me because it took longer than it should of in her mind. It doesn't really matter how long it took, just that it was in her mind a long time.
I tell you my wife started to just do things for herself to make herself feel better about herself. She also gave me the 2x4 to the head with a "I think you need to stay this week somewhere else". That was the proverbial smack I needed. I would come home after work or coach his tee ball games and put my son to bed with her and then go somewhere else from Mon to Thursday evening that week. That was my awakening. It killed me to be away from her and him that way.
She was planning on a weekend away to her mothers house already that I couldn't attend so I ended up back at the house alone. I treated it like we were Divorced and it absolutely crushed me to think how dense I was. That was my lowest point.
I know it is never just one persons fault but I do shoulder most of the blame for allowing it to go on. Anyway that is how my wall came down, with a resounding "Mr. Gorbachev bring down that wall" and came down hard. Now if I can just get hers down - unfortunately that might take as long as it took her to bring down mine. I'm just trying to stay strong enough to keep chipping away.
Well, I did already have him sleep in the office (a room off our bedroom) for a week. He never once complained but did say he was depressed. He came out of that week saying that he didn't care if we slept together anymore, that our relationship was over.
So much for the 2x4 approach.
How can I ask him to go somewhere else for a week? He would never agree to leave his kids (10 and 17) and our child (1) here.
He only loves them, not me. He feels responsible for and to them. I'm just an aside these days. He likes me well enough, in my place. Which seems to be as a roommate and teacher and babysitter.
I suppose if he did something reprehensible like cheat openly or beat one of us up, I could get him to leave for a week. But he doesn't see anything wrong with how he treats me. He feels he has done his part by letting me know that he no longer wants a relationship with me, that he's moving out and he's only here as a mercy to me till I'm able to get on my feet financially and get a running vehicle.
He gave me a hug when he got home tonight without me having to ask, tho it was rather shallow and one-armed. He was also joking and teasing me as we walked down the stairs. I can't help but think his better mood might have something to do with his reason for wearing his expensive 'date' cologne to work.
I'm taking the kids (6-9-10) to karaoke tonight. It's really sad my only dates these days are with them. lol... They are a fun crowd, if a bit short
Mr. Teasing was all happy and such last night, but didn't want to even touch when we got into bed. He was gone and off to work before 6am today. I noticed when I got up he was sitting in his truck (I noticed because the lights were one) for a long time in the driveway. How strange.
You've got to remember my w didn't ask me to go, she said go. Maybe just do it. Also, I think you've got to stand up for yourself - don't let yourself be a "babysitter". Heck, call some friends and go out yourself. You've got to make yourself happy. That is what my wife started doing and it showed me something about her. Now I'm trying to make myself happy and show her something so that one I'm happy with me and two she can be happy with me.
Life sure gets complex as you get older. What I wouldn't give to be just a little one in a sand box playing again with no worries but who took my shovel.
Well, two things I learned today - he is going in so early to be on the computer at work - and he forgot his cell phone here today.
I'm going to talk to him tonight, and we may go that way. I know that this stone walling me isn't working for me. I've put up with enough of his **** for one year, thank you very much. I have tried to go with his "my way or the highway" thing for too long now. Killing the relationship to save the friendship?
How about being friendly then? And barring that, why go thru the ruse? Bah.
I'm still looking for that shovel by the way. Anyone seen it?
Don't think of it necessarily as stone walling. I wasn't even aware how I was changing - it just happened. Maybe he is doing it consciously but I bet not. I really suggest to start doing things for yourself to make you happy. In the end if you are happy - then you are happy.
Do you have any girlfriends you can go hang out with? If so, go out to dinner/coffe/something with them. You deserve some "me" time. Can you just let him know that he has kid duty that night and go out and have fun (with nonshort people).
Maybe then he will see you and not take you for granted. Maybe you will have a good time and see that happy, great person, that has been pushed so far into the background that you forgot you were.
Your ability to be such a positive person through all of this still astounds me, but I bet it is really hard on a day to day basis when you repeatedly get mostly negative responses in return from him.
I must say, this guy confuses the crap out of me, lol.
Scarlett - the only girlfriends I have are the wives of his best friends. They are all loyal to their husbands fraternity and all 'brothers' So it's no good going out with them, they will start asking why I'm not going out with him etc.
The only other people I know in town are male. I tend to make closer better friends (platonic) with males more than females for whatever reason.
I AM trying to be positive... but dang... two YEARS of this? I honestly astound myself sometimes at how much I can take. His boss called at 10am this morning and was angry he hadn't showed up for work yet... hmm... leaves at 5, not to work by 10? Must have gotten lost on the 20 minute drive to work...
Breathless - come on You can have your pick of bedrooms, and free room and board for any horses, dogs or cats kids that you might bring with you. I have a 4000 sq foot farmhouse and if / when he moves out i'll be down to three kids in the house.
China is intact so far - with six kids in the house I only bring it out for special occasions.
Thank you SO much for the hugs *sniff* Damn dummy...
I have refused his hug, or walked out of the room when he ignores me and goes and talks to the kids. Sometimes he doesn't notice at all, but sometimes he will come in and say 'well you didn't have to leave, what is your problem' and make it all my fault that I am too sensitive or asking too much.
Bah, men. Present company excepted here on the forum of course
What an a$$hat. He needs to sh*t or get off the pot. You're a d*mn good woman and have proven that several times over w/your partience and willingness to keep trying no matter what. He's got some SERIOUS issues he needs to deal with and NOT at the expense of your SANITY. Bless you girl.
What about the gun club? Meet any new people there. If I lived by you I'd come pop some rounds off with you. I'm seriously thinking about when I get some more $$ (I'm broke as heck right now due to this) purchasing my own and joining one here.
The not getting to work by 10 when he's left at 5 thing....is suspicious. Perhaps someone on the side. I say time to be your own private investigator. That would be a good reason for the wishy washy behavior.
out of respect of your unflintchingly positive attitude, the next sentence shall start with the word 'if' instead of 'when'.
if your marriage ends, one thing is certain: you'll have no nagging doubts that you could have done more.
are you becoming more suspicious of his rather odd new habits...sitting in the truck in the driveway...wearing his good cologne...leavaing for work 4 hours early....
although the obvious 'then' to the above 'ifs' would be devastating, it would also pave the legal way out of your situation.
I wish I knew the answers Snix. Remember I was the zombie one. I'm just trying to re-connect with the woman I love deep in my soul. Hearing some of what you describe makes me cringe at myself for inflicting that kind of pain and hurt on her without even realizing it. Why do we sometimes hurt the ones we love most?
I just hope she can some day forgive me -- not sure I can forgive myself. But I'm working on it.
Just keep moving forward for you. Maybe you need to find some new friends or just go out with a platonic male friend. Anything to rock the boat.
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Re: Life with a zombie 
