My Wife Is Unfaithful and it's my fault

BrokenHead · 05-28-2009, 11:18 AM

I just found out my wife has been having an affair with a friend from high school for the last month. After the blowup we started to talk and the shock of this event lead me to digging hard into why she was so unhappy. I've stubbled across something called Passive-Agressive Disorder which we both agree is me exactly. I never even realized how badly I was treating her and realized my behavior disorder was making me so miserable I didn't even know it myself. For me this was a light-bulb life changing moment. I now look at my wife the way I supposed to be doing...wanting to put her first and and expressing myself instead of living in a passive-agressive stupor. My wife on the other hand is just angry realizing she in effect is a beaten women by my behavior. She is scared to even entertain the idea of trying to work on our marriage now. She says she is dead inside. I understand completely and would do anything to help her even if it means losing her. The problem is we have two boys (13,14) and she/we are scared to make any move that might effect them. I'd like to know from anyone if they have an experiences and how you might have approached this. My only goal is to someday have her realize I love her, anything else doesn't matter. I am destroyed by this and I know I deserve even ounce of pain I feel.

1nurse · 05-28-2009, 01:41 PM

First of all your wife having an affair IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Get out of your critical parent egostate. What ever happens to communication in relationships?? You know when one party sits down and says "I'm really not happy can we talk?" She had this affair of her own freewill and you blaming yourself or her blaming you won't solve anything. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and then you two need to move forward. Do you guys want to save the marriage or not? Make a gameplan and then move forward. Identifying the problems which led to the affair are important but it doesn't excuse your wife's behaviour.

recent_cloud · 05-28-2009, 01:48 PM

put another way, you (as well as your wife) are responsible for the breakdown of your marriage.

but your wife and she alone is responsible for how she reacted to the breakdown.

Shoto1984 · 05-28-2009, 02:59 PM

Broken - I'm going to agree with the other posters here. It would be one thing if she had come to you many times to talk and done her best to drag you into therapy etc. But it doesnt sound like that was the case. She didn't feel fullfilled for whatever reason and retreated rather then work on the issues. This in not a "you" problem, this is a "you both" problem. And its going to take "you both" taking resposibility and committing to doing the work to make it better. Good luck to you.

MarkTwain · 05-28-2009, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrokenHead

I am destroyed by this and I know I deserve even ounce of pain I feel.

That's enough guilt for one thread. If you can see your part in it, that's enough. If lack of happiness was part of your problem, it's time to brighten up.

michzz · 05-28-2009, 03:27 PM

Her cheating is a "her problem" that takes a "you both" resolution to fix.

Yeah, not fair.