confuzzled

Hi, newbie here. I am having issues in my marriage because I feel like I am living a lie. I married a man whom I love dearly, but I constantly feel that I don't love him enough.

For 5 years before I moved, I was in a relationship with a man who I loved with all my heart. Our parents were not in agreement with our relationship, and finally after years of not being accepted by his mother I ended it and moved away.

2 years ago I met a man who worshipped the ground I walk on. I thought that I was over the other guy and that life didn't get much better than someone who would devote himself to me.

Since we got married, I feel like he has changed and is so afraid to do the wrong thing by me that he ends up upsetting me more. All I do is get angry and upset no matter what he says, and I think this is because I am harbouring anger at myself for marrying someone else.

Help! What do I do???

preso

sounds like: you married on the rebound.

It's not even a good idea to date when on the rebound and this is why, the feelings your having as you may indeed have picked the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It would have been much better for you to have waited before making such a choice, more so a marriage.
That he has changed is a big problem... the fact is he may not have changed, you just didn't get to know him enough to see how he really was.

The fact is we rarely marry the first person we fall in love with and those that do, are rare, even more rare is to marry the first person you fall in love with and have a long happy marriage.
You are going to have to come to terms with first your break up of your first love and then also, your marriage and if you should stay or leave as you seem to have made a very bad marriage choice.
If you leave the marriage, you should remain single until your whole and emotionally healthy, have come to terms with not having your first loves love.

As for me, I fell in love the first time when I was 13 or 14....
and loved him for many years, although we never dated. In my heart he was special. I'm now so glad I didn't date or especcially marry him as at about age 21 he started drugs and has had many problems with drugs over decades now including prison a few times. I read a few articles on the web about him and also how he not only gets arrested for drugs but beats up his women. He is a awful man and I loved foolishly and too young. I am only glad now I never hooked up with him in anyway... although in my heart, I do not see him as the monster he is, so it's good he also doesn't live anywhere near me. To hook up with him in anyway would be the end of my peace and happiness... and over what ? some childhood crush ? haha... that would be stupid. So, sometimes what we think we want is the worst thing for us. My love or what I thought was love, was nonsense as the worst thing would be to be with him. I am only glad God spared me from him.

SFladybug

I can relate to your situation, but I have been married longer. I often feel like my marriage is based on a lie, but I am not sure whose lie - his or mine. There have been many good times, especially when we have cleared the air. I don't have any great advice. Fundamentally, I think we all create some type of fantasy about the people we become attached to. When the fantasy show itself for what it is, some of us want to keep up the pretense to avoid conflict and others want to pick at the scab (to hopefully clean it out). I have spent countless nights feeling so guilty for just not loving my husband enough. Then, I find out he has his own issues, but deals with it differently than I do.

When I find myself going down that mental path of hating my husband, I try to stop and think of something I love or appreciate about him. Sometimes it is easier than others. He does many nice things for me, which often makes me feel guiltier and then angrier.

If you "love him dearly" find a way to connect with him and talk about your needs, you may find a way to love him more. If you married on a rebound, and do not love him, don't prolong the misery.

so_confused

I feel like it was me writing this... I married in a very poor emotional state. I was trapped, felt pressured, and was still mourning the loss of a very serious and seemingly imminent marriage to the one man I have ever truly loved with everything.
My husband was in the right place at the right time, he was warm, made me feel better about myself, he was safe, and it was a "smart" move.
But now I feel it... now that I have taken the time to heal, and do some growing up of my own, I feel that longing for something more. That unbearable ache of wanting to love and be loved instead of living in obligation, because it is the right thing to do.

I am so torn as well... we have a young child (2) and we are both excellent parents but in my heart of hearts I know I do not love him the way he loves me.

I cannot offer any tangible advice, I myself feel the same way and have no idea how to reconcile the desire I have for a relationship that doesn't revolve around formality.... and the love I do have for my husband, it isn't the same kind of love, but love nonetheless.

Good luck... my thoughts are with you, and your husband.

hopelessilillinois

I now how you feel as well. I have been married a long time but I still feel that maybe it was for the wrong reasons. And as the years go by I am not sure the love will continue or that I can handle all of his illness, moodiness, addictions, temper tantrums, or hurtful things he says or does. I stayed for the children and now I would like to stay for me but when does the obligation to keep trying end. I am sad too. But I wish you luck as well. I hope you find some answer that works to make you happy.