At what point are female/male friendships a problem?
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

The answer may be "when you let it become one". This may all be on me - we'll see.

Me 44/him 43. Me married once, one child, single now for 8 years. Him married once, no kids, separated for 11 months. Dating 7 months. (Yeah, give me that lecture, too.)

He is VERY social. Tons of great buddies from high school and college that still get together very often - some local, some not. Active in church, has friends from there. He does a LOT of stuff with male friends - pro sporting events, fundraising events, sees friend's kids sporting events...

He "can't" introduce me to a large circle of friends who know his ex because she was a WW and it might affect his property division if she perceives he's moved on... but no real legal recourse. He said he wasn't ready for her to know about me.

His family (not in town) knows about me and my daughter, as well as some of his friends who no longer have any ties to his wife know we date and I have met his sister but that was before we were exclusive.

My problem? He goes out with female friends. I'm a single mom and I can't go out and have dinner and drinks until 10pm on a weeknight. I get that it's not fair to think he can't and one of the things I love is how socially vibrant he is. He doesn't hide his activity from me but he'll just say "going out with friends" and then I found out it was with two single female friends.

I can see writing this out it is MY problem, not his. I'm insecure in this relationship. He's not divorced, I'm hoping it's not rebound (he says it isn't but it can happen) and I haven't heard those three little words yet. He's very cautious of his feelings. He spends at least one weeknight with me and my daughter, he comes to her sporting events, too but this is the NORM for him, not anything special for him.

Add to the mix I spent Friday night with him and finally initiated intimacy int he middle of the night when it was obvious it wasn't going to happen (and we haven't since September) and I think he's pulling away.

Paranoia? Insecurity? Dating sux - I'm "built" for marriage, not the roller coaster ride of dating. Should I just wait this out for a few months and see how things progress as he goes through the divorce and property settlement? See if he invites me to church, to meet family or friends... I don't know if I'm being considerate and understanding or stupid.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

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...he'll just say "going out with friends" and then I found out it was with two single female friends.
Right about there is where it becomes a problem.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Right about there is where it becomes a problem.
Usually it's a mixed group but he doesn't bother to clarify... should he? One of them posted a photo of the food and tagged him on FB and he left it - wasn't trying to hide it.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

I don't know, Enjoli. I'm a woman with guy friends that I'll NEVER SLEEP WITH. EVER. NEVER EVER EVER (like a Taylor Swift song).

Maybe it's that way with him and his women friends.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

Does he go out with you at all? How often do you guys have sex? I would KILL to have a woman initiate sex with me. That includes my frigid wife. 7 months of dating, you guys should be in the honeymoon stage still. He seems to be pulling away.

Also, my gaydar is going off. Did he EVER seem to enjoy sex with you?
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

A man's friendship with a woman is driven by sex: study - Life & Style - NZ Herald News


Pointers for the ladies.


Sounds like your husband needs to read
How to keep from cheating on your wife - National infidelity | Examiner.com
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

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I don't know, Enjoli. I'm a woman with guy friends that I'll NEVER SLEEP WITH. EVER. NEVER EVER EVER (like a Taylor Swift song).

Maybe it's that way with him and his women friends.

I can GUARANTEE your male friends would sleep with you in a HEARTBEAT! Guarantee. And if her hubby is straight, he wants to have sex with both of those single gals he went out to dinner with. GUARANTEE. What the OP has going for her is that those 2 gal pals feel the way you do.

I was AMAZED to find out how few women realize that their guy buddies want to screw them.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

OP, if your BF is legally separated, I can't see how his W knowing about you could affect their division of property when they divorce. When is his divorce likely to become final?

If you're in an exclusive relationship, I don't think he should be hanging out with female friends. But if you feel that he's pulling away from you right now, this mightn't be the time to have that sort of talk with him.

I think in your shoes I'd probably start distancing myself a little from him, by making arrangements to see my own friends and keeping busy. Perhaps when his divorce is final he'll feel more settled and open to letting you know how he feels about you.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

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I can GUARANTEE your male friends would sleep with you in a HEARTBEAT! Guarantee. And if her hubby is straight, he wants to have sx with both of those single gals he went out to dinner with. GUARANTEE. What the OP has going for her is that those 2 gal pals feel the way you do.

I was AMAZED to find out how few women realize that their guy buddies want to screw them.
Yup...all of that.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

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I was AMAZED to find out how few women realize that their guy buddies want to screw them.

Greatly goes to explain the actions of my STBXW!
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

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I can GUARANTEE your male friends would sleep with you in a HEARTBEAT! Guarantee. And if her hubby is straight, he wants to have sex with both of those single gals he went out to dinner with. GUARANTEE. What the OP has going for her is that those 2 gal pals feel the way you do.

I was AMAZED to find out how few women realize that their guy buddies want to screw them.

This truly does amaze me, MrK...

Perhaps it explains why a good male friend disappeared off my radar when I introduced him to my partner...
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Again, NOT husband - boyfriend of 7 months. I realize I'm on TAM but there's no where I've found that gives reasonable dating advice that isn't directed toward the 20-30 y/o crowd.

Since he seems to have SO many friends of both genders and knows the pain of being cheated on, I'd like to think he wouldn't dare and that he'd end it with me before perusing anything.

And I feel I'm unreasonable to ask him to sit at home alone just because I can't go out. One girl is 31 and very pretty and the other is hard to tell as she's a pacific islander.

We fooled around a few times before finally having sex in August. Sex one more time. Then an overnight where we had to be up at 4am and he was too tired followed by reunion, business trips, etc. Plus since my daughter is home always except for every other weekend, opportunity only knocks twice a month. Planets must align.

Friday he was tired from business trip so I woke him up at 6am w/ a BJ then nothing. I realize he might not be up for another O but what about morning sex? Shower sex? My having a turn?

He's very self conscious about his body (big deal - he has a flabby tummy - I'm not perfect at size 16) and VERY cautious about relationships and probably less sexual partners than me.

I'm childless this weekend so it will be interesting to see if he stays over and what happens. The next weekend Im without child he's going out of town to stay w/ a married friend to go to a college football game so a month will pass.

Could be he's severely LD. I think he needs HRT but I don't know if it's appropriate I suggest that so soon in our relationship.

UG.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

It's a problem the minute it starts, don't allow it! If he insists on it, move on, he's not marriage material yet.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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OP, if your BF is legally separated, I can't see how his W knowing about you could affect their division of property when they divorce. When is his divorce likely to become final?

If you're in an exclusive relationship, I don't think he should be hanging out with female friends. But if you feel that he's pulling away from you right now, this mightn't be the time to have that sort of talk with him.

I think in your shoes I'd probably start distancing myself a little from him, by making arrangements to see my own friends and keeping busy. Perhaps when his divorce is final he'll feel more settled and open to letting you know how he feels about you.
Hes not LEGALLY separated but physically separated which counts in my state. But she doesn't yet know that he has proof of adultery which can affect equitable distribution. I don't see how her knowing about me matters except maybe she'll feel sorry for him and settle for more if she thinks he's alone and devastated? Divorce can be filed in January.

Yeah, I don't want to become clingy and drive him away. I am careful about that and do my own thing. I think that's the best route to take. He's making plans to come to daughter's sports event mid-November. Thanksgiving plans are apart and were made months ago. I'm hoping I get an invite to meet his family at Christmas since kiddo will be with her Dad and I'll be alone on Christmas.

I guess keep being myself, try to not over-think his social calendar and see where this goes in the next couple months is best.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: At what point are female/male friendships a problem?

Almost every man on here is going to tell you the same thing Enjoli. Only women will tell you otherwise. Men and women can't be friends.
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