General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have a few questions for any men out there who have been in an EA and wouldn't mind sharing their thoughts/answers.
1.) Just how powerful were the compliments that the OW gave you? Was it the compliments or the sexual talk or the look of her or what that was the most addictive to you?
2.) If your wife gave you similar genuine compliments, would have as much effect on you?
3.) How many of you went from an EA to a PA?
4.) If you didn't go from an EA to a PA, was it because you put the breaks on it or because the OW did?
5.) What was it about the OW that you missed the absolute most once you went NC?
6.) How long did it take for your EA relationship to become inappropriate in content?
7.) Did the OW KNOW you had feelings for her or was it an unsaid fact that was never discussed or openly acknowledged?
8.) Did anyone have an EA that was strictly conducted by phone/email and chat? IE, never met the OW in the flesh. If so, how hard did you fall for her?
9.) Did any of you have an EA that the conversations would seem fairly innocuous to an outsider looking in? IE, no flirting or sexual banter?
10.) What type of conversations/comments were had to take the relationship from appropriate to EA? Perhaps there was one pivotal moment/conversation that stands out?
11.) In your opinion, what do you constitute as subtle flirting from a woman? What is signal in your eyes that a woman is indicating to you that she is ready and open to being more 'friendly' with you?
12.) If you never even saw a photo of your EA, were you still able to become sexually fixated on her just via the chats and phone calls etc?
IIRC you had a thread over in CWI section. Doesn't matter. I'm game
1. It was not compliments per se. It was the entire attitude. Someone was glad to hear from me all the time. Someone thought I was special and took pleasure in my company. That level of passion is hard to maintain in a long marriage.
2. The wife was not particularly complimentary because the wife wasn't that happy with me either. But the rare compliments didn't make much difference because of the Fog and questioning her motives. I still wonder if she REALLY likes me or just didn't want a divorce but every day I worry less
3. It was impossible for us to do this, but
4. It was reasonably mutual. We didn't want to be 'that Internet couple' (we were) At one point She offered me some modeling pictures, but I declined.
5. We were fellow writers. We co-wrote a lot of stories together. It was very intimate.
6. I love her. It's that simple. That space in my heart belonged to my spouse...even if she wasn't using it. When I resented the time spent with the wife instead of Her, there was a problem. The biggest problem is how difficult it is to seperation 'confidant' from EA. I still think about her EVERY DAY. But her space in my heart is getting smaller and smaller
7. We freely admitted AFFECTION but her bus and didn't have a problem. My wife did not originally. She was my best friend. I assumed that this came with a level of affection
8. It was ALL Internet with one phone call. (I established that barrier). That makes it WORSE because she can be anything I imagine as far as looks. But I loved the aspects of her personality THAT I SAW. But that is not all of a person Posted via Mobile Device
IIRC you had a thread over in CWI section. Doesn't matter. I'm game
1. It was not compliments per se. It was the entire attitude. Someone was glad to hear from me all the time. Someone thought I was special and took pleasure in my company. That level of passion is hard to maintain in a long marriage.
2. The wife was not particularly complimentary because the wife wasn't that happy with me either. But the rare compliments didn't make much difference because of the Fog and questioning her motives. I still wonder if she REALLY likes me or just didn't want a divorce but every day I worry less
3. It was impossible for us to do this, but
4. It was reasonably mutual. We didn't want to be 'that Internet couple' (we were) At one point She offered me some modeling pictures, but I declined.
5. We were fellow writers. We co-wrote a lot of stories together. It was very intimate.
6. I love her. It's that simple. That space in my heart belonged to my spouse...even if she wasn't using it. When I resented the time spent with the wife instead of Her, there was a problem. The biggest problem is how difficult it is to seperation 'confidant' from EA. I still think about her EVERY DAY. But her space in my heart is getting smaller and smaller
7. We freely admitted AFFECTION but her bus and didn't have a problem. My wife did not originally. She was my best friend. I assumed that this came with a level of affection
8. It was ALL Internet with one phone call. (I established that barrier). That makes it WORSE because she can be anything I imagine as far as looks. But I loved the aspects of her personality THAT I SAW. But that is not all of a person Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks JCD. This was really helpful. Btw, what does the following sentence mean? IIRC you had a thread over in CWI section?
Did you and the OW ever swap photos? When you say "I love her" were you referring to the OW or your wife? If the OW, how soon did you realize you felt this way? Thanks so much for the response. Elly
Someone asked the same question in the Coping With Infidelity section. I thought it might be you.
Recall, I love my wife (more now). I love my kids and a good number of family friends. So adding one more person didn't seem 'bad'. I love my friends and hate their enemies. The fact that she had an 'innie' vs. an 'outie' ( a V bs. A P) seemed irrelevant save for adding a certain frisson and sexual tension. This is a certain amount of self deception. But not total. Neither planned on leaving spouses for each other. She scratched an 'itch' (games and writing) which my wife could not and would not scratch. So mentally, that put her in the same camp that the buddy you take to the baseball game with you. Posted via Mobile Device
1.) Just how powerful were the compliments that the OW gave you? Was it the compliments or the sexual talk or the look of her or what that was the most addictive to you?
The compliments and sexual talk was extremely addictive because I thrived on being seen as sexually attractive.
2.) If your wife gave you similar genuine compliments, would have as much effect on you?
Yes.
3.) How many of you went from an EA to a PA?
PA was impossible because of distance (different countries).
4.) If you didn't go from an EA to a PA, was it because you put the breaks on it or because the OW did?
If one of us were able to get to the other's city, it would have turned into a PA.
5.) What was it about the OW that you missed the absolute most once you went NC?
Being able to talk/chat with her online and knowing that our conversations would turn sexual, the flirting, etc...
6.) How long did it take for your EA relationship to become inappropriate in content?
Not long at all. Probably a matter of a couple of weeks or so?
7.) Did the OW KNOW you had feelings for her or was it an unsaid fact that was never discussed or openly acknowledged?
Yes, she knew that I had feelings for her.
8.) Did anyone have an EA that was strictly conducted by phone/email and chat? IE, never met the OW in the flesh. If so, how hard did you fall for her?
My EA was conducted entirely by email and chat. I fell hard enough to really want to have sex with her and thought of schemes/excuses to fly to her country in order to try and meet her in person.
1.) Just how powerful were the compliments that the OW gave you? Was it the compliments or the sexual talk or the look of her or what that was the most addictive to you?
The compliments and sexual talk was extremely addictive because I thrived on being seen as sexually attractive.
2.) If your wife gave you similar genuine compliments, would have as much effect on you?
Yes.
3.) How many of you went from an EA to a PA?
PA was impossible because of distance (different countries).
4.) If you didn't go from an EA to a PA, was it because you put the breaks on it or because the OW did?
If one of us were able to get to the other's city, it would have turned into a PA.
5.) What was it about the OW that you missed the absolute most once you went NC?
Being able to talk/chat with her online and knowing that our conversations would turn sexual, the flirting, etc...
6.) How long did it take for your EA relationship to become inappropriate in content?
Not long at all. Probably a matter of a couple of weeks or so?
7.) Did the OW KNOW you had feelings for her or was it an unsaid fact that was never discussed or openly acknowledged?
Yes, she knew that I had feelings for her.
8.) Did anyone have an EA that was strictly conducted by phone/email and chat? IE, never met the OW in the flesh. If so, how hard did you fall for her?
My EA was conducted entirely by email and chat. I fell hard enough to really want to have sex with her and thought of schemes/excuses to fly to her country in order to try and meet her in person.
Oh wow, thanks for this. These answers are really eye-opening. Btw, I added a few more on to the original post - mostly directed to what you wrote here. If you have a minute would you mind answering those too? Many thanks. Elly
Oh wow, thanks for this. These answers are really eye-opening. Btw, I added a few more on to the original post - mostly directed to what you wrote here. If you have a minute would you mind answering those too? Many thanks. Elly
Glad to be of some help. I'll try to get to the other questions tomorrow.
9.) Did any of you have an EA that the conversations would seem fairly innocuous to an outsider looking in? IE, no flirting or sexual banter?
Yes, we had plenty of innocuous conversations. There were long periods when our conversations were not sexual at all.
10.) What type of conversations/comments were had to take the relationship from appropriate to EA? Perhaps there was one pivotal moment/conversation that stands out?
Hmm...well, there were some revealing self portraits of myself involved and I shared a link with her as to where they could be found. That took things to a whole other level in our conversations.
11.) In your opinion, what do you constitute as subtle flirting from a woman? What is signal in your eyes that a woman is indicating to you that she is ready and open to being more 'friendly' with you?
For me, in person, it's when the casual conversations start being peppered with sexual innuendo, body language becomes more provocative, lingering touching of hands or other body parts, the sharing of more personal thoughts, invitations to parties, lunch, dinner, etc...
Online, there's usually an escalation of sexual chatting and so forth.
12.) If you never even saw a photo of your EA, were you still able to become sexually fixated on her just via the chats and phone calls etc?
Probably not. I have to see who the person is in order for me to really become that involved with them. With my AP, I saw plenty of photos of her and we also used Skype to chat on, so I knew that she wasn't some random guy in a dingy room getting off on seducing people online, !
9.) Did any of you have an EA that the conversations would seem fairly innocuous to an outsider looking in? IE, no flirting or sexual banter?
Yes, we had plenty of innocuous conversations. There were long periods when our conversations were not sexual at all.
10.) What type of conversations/comments were had to take the relationship from appropriate to EA? Perhaps there was one pivotal moment/conversation that stands out?
Hmm...well, there were some revealing self portraits of myself involved and I shared a link with her as to where they could be found. That took things to a whole other level in our conversations.
11.) In your opinion, what do you constitute as subtle flirting from a woman? What is signal in your eyes that a woman is indicating to you that she is ready and open to being more 'friendly' with you?
For me, in person, it's when the casual conversations start being peppered with sexual innuendo, body language becomes more provocative, lingering touching of hands or other body parts, the sharing of more personal thoughts, invitations to parties, lunch, dinner, etc...
Online, there's usually an escalation of sexual chatting and so forth.
12.) If you never even saw a photo of your EA, were you still able to become sexually fixated on her just via the chats and phone calls etc?
Probably not. I have to see who the person is in order for me to really become that involved with them. With my AP, I saw plenty of photos of her and we also used Skype to chat on, so I knew that she wasn't some random guy in a dingy room getting off on seducing people online, !
TM, THank you for all this. It's really interesting for me to get an insight into EAs from a man's perspective. I just tried to respond to your PM, but I got a message back saying no PMs excepted. Thanks, Elly.
9.) Did any of you have an EA that the conversations would seem fairly innocuous to an outsider looking in? IE, no flirting or sexual banter?
Most of them were innocuous. Occasionally we'd talk about sex in general. But we were more confidants then 'internet lovers' We did share some pretty steamy stories however.
10.) What type of conversations/comments were had to take the relationship from appropriate to EA? Perhaps there was one pivotal moment/conversation that stands out?
It was more the emtional space and intimacy then anything else. I also revealed a few things about arguements with my wife which she felt was out of line. But mostly it was the time. I spent HOURS online with her almost daily. I could tell you when she got up, when she'd be at work, and her usual quitting time and how long a drive it was back. We were that in tune with each other (I had a less regular schedule.) Seriously, when I was traveling, doing 8 hours with her was not even noteworthy. She could IM from work and we engaged in that all the time.
11.) In your opinion, what do you constitute as subtle flirting from a woman? What is signal in your eyes that a woman is indicating to you that she is ready and open to being more 'friendly' with you?
Being around. Going out of your way to be near THIS guy. Engaging him specifically in conversation. I had a couple girls in High School who showed up at my work all the time. But in general, it HAS to be that obvious...at least for me. The OW always showed up. Even when she was busy. She apologized if work kept her from chatting. So did I.
12.) If you never even saw a photo of your EA, were you still able to become sexually fixated on her just via the chats and phone calls etc?
That actually makes it work. I saw a picture of my friend. She's a nice girl but not a knock out. I didn't fall in love with her body. I fell for her mind. And online when gaming and writing, she could be anyone: a tall blonde, a short brunette. So not seeing her let me fill in the blanks as to how she appeared...and it was always complimentary to her.
JCD, Thanks for this. Wow, that's quite a story. Were you never tempted to actually meet up in the flesh? Btw, might be too personal, but did have a more intellectual EA with this OW or was it sexually charged for you/both? Did you fantasize about her?
If you had not had children, do you reckon you might have run off to meet this OW?
I have a few questions for any men out there who have been in an EA and wouldn't mind sharing their thoughts/answers.
1.) Just how powerful were the compliments that the OW gave you? Was it the compliments or the sexual talk or the look of her or what that was the most addictive to you?Powerful . and , The Look
2.) If your wife gave you similar genuine compliments, would have as much effect on you?I'm Not sure . Think it would be like being served a hot Plate of the Same food you had last night-just a hot plate..
3.) How many of you went from an EA to a PA?1 . Was an ex . Frankly just striking up a convo with a complete stranger and risking My entire Existence for a friendly unknown is complete insanity .So is having an EA though ..
4.) If you didn't go from an EA to a PA, was it because you put the breaks on it or because the OW did? One goes Through emotional Rollercoasters of guilt and remorse , which , if you're Not Feeling it , then there's something MAssively wrong with either you , or your Current Rel.
5.) What was it about the OW that you missed the absolute most once you went NC? An ear .friction-less convo .The incredibly explorative Sex
6.) How long did it take for your EA relationship to become inappropriate in content?
7.) Did the OW KNOW you had feelings for her or was it an unsaid fact that was never discussed or openly acknowledged? she had Feelings for Me and Expressed them .
8.) Did anyone have an EA that was strictly conducted by phone/email and chat? IE, never met the OW in the flesh. If so, how hard did you fall for her? nope
9.) Did any of you have an EA that the conversations would seem fairly innocuous to an outsider looking in? IE, no flirting or sexual banter? no
10.) What type of conversations/comments were had to take the relationship from appropriate to EA? Perhaps there was one pivotal moment/conversation that stands out? from the first one.
11.) In your opinion, what do you constitute as subtle flirting from a woman? What is signal in your eyes that a woman is indicating to you that she is ready and open to being more 'friendly' with you? a good smile, and open body Language
12.) If you never even saw a photo of your EA, were you still able to become sexually fixated on her just via the chats and phone calls etc?no. Nothing More than good friendship there then .Besides -this is not something That anyone asks for to happen along Life's path. It simply happens to come about , perhaps through the striking up of an old friendship . BBM's i believe are a huge contributor to major infedelity, or , should i say , providing people with the Means to. Most of the people here going through life troubles have happened to come across Sms's , calls , etc .Can't Track a Bbm unless you rig the phone up .
Thanks a lot for this Def-e-Nition. My H is currently having an EA (or is at the tipping point) so it's very interesting for me to read all these responses from various men who have walked in similar footsteps. I agree and often say, I think the advent of the internet and cell phones have greatly facilitated affairs - especially EA's as people are in constant contact. Btw, if too personal, just ignore my next two q's. Was your marriage a bit unhappy during the time you got involved with your ex? Whichever the case, did you feel guilt while it was going on or did you experience denial/the fog and all that? Many thanks for your candid responses. Best, Elly
I have a few questions for any men out there who have been in an EA and wouldn't mind sharing their thoughts/answers.
8.) Did anyone have an EA that was strictly conducted by phone/email and chat? IE, never met the OW in the flesh. If so, how hard did you fall for her?
Yes I did. It lasted several years and in fact we still email each other on occasion. I was "in lust" with her and I guess perhaps in love as well.
Yes I did. It lasted several years and in fact we still email each other on occasion. I was "in lust" with her and I guess perhaps in love as well.
Hi Studley,
Thanks for this. My H also conducted his EA via phone and email. They never met in person. Did you and the OW video chat or swap photos? How long did it take for your relship to go from 'friendly' to lustful? Thank you very much. Elly
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Questions for men who have been in EAs 
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