My fiance was married before. He has a secret life
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

I found evidence of some startling facts about my fiance and don't know what to do. When I confronted him, he denied everything. Stupid me that I didn't make a copy of the evidence I saw. Thinking about just ending the relationship, but it's hard. What if I never found someone amazing like him? But at the same time, I can't live with all those lies. I just wish there's a way to get all those evidence and put in front of his face, then see how he would say.
I'd love to hear from anyone having the same situation and what you've done to it.

Thank you!
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

I wish I had known the secrets before we married. I would not have gotten married to her. The mindset is the problem much more than the content of the secrets.
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

What kind of evidence did you find, i.e. emails, photos, letters, bills, etc...?
Does he have children by someone else?
What is the nature of his "secret life"?
Do you suspect that he is still in contact with a former wife/lover?
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.

tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
- Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
- Name change certificate (he said he was born with the name he currently bears)
- Birth certificate (completely different birth place from where he said he was born, heck, the record is not even English)
- Immigration record, foreign passport and ID (and he said he was a citizen here in Canada)
- a bunch of rent receipt (he said the house is his and he's paying mortgage)
- Some court files for assault and shop-lifting (this made me very sad)
- Pay tubs from companies he never told me he used to work for
- Disability checks (he claimed that his family is wealth off, so why claiming for social assistance?)

To be honest, I don't really mind any of those,they are all the past. What happened in the past is just the past. What saddens me so much is that he didn't admit any of that, which means he doesn't trust me.

Thought?
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Tuff,

If I was you, I would be hightailing it out of there... and quick. Don't be blinded by your emotions.

He has lied in EVERY category:

Love
Finance
Family
Home
Safety

For goodness sakes, this guy could be an axe murderer for all you know! He hasn't been honest about ONE thing!! How will you ever trust him in the future?
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

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Originally Posted by tuff1 View Post
Thor, agree with you. That's why I'm still thinking to myself: do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.

tm84, thanks for your bang-on questions, here are what I found in his belongings:
- Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
- Name change certificate (he said he was born with the name he currently bears)
- Birth certificate (completely different birth place from where he said he was born, heck, the record is not even English)
- Immigration record, foreign passport and ID (and he said he was a citizen here in Canada)
- a bunch of rent receipt (he said the house is his and he's paying mortgage)
- Some court files for assault and shop-lifting (this made me very sad)
- Pay tubs from companies he never told me he used to work for
- Disability checks (he claimed that his family is wealth off, so why claiming for social assistance?)

To be honest, I don't really mind any of those,they are all the past. What happened in the past is just the past. What saddens me so much is that he didn't admit any of that, which means he doesn't trust me.

Thought?
Wow, to me, there are a LOT of red flags in what you found in his belongings. For some reason, he has lied about and denied having been married, where he was born, what his "real" name is, disability checks when he claims to have had a welthy family (it doesn't mean that he is wealthy, just his family). Did he mention having a job accident at all? Does he work? Do you know if he has legal citizenship in Canada? It's possible that the information that you found is bound up in his wanting to emigrate, but it still looks shady to me.

On the surface, yes, the act of him not being upfront about past issues is something to consider on the trust front. However, from the nature of what you've posted about what you've found, I think that there is a lot more to be considered before going all the way to marriage.

Now, the question is: "who is it that you are about to marry?" To me, unless he comes clean about some of those questions that you have about his past, then you might have to think long and hard about marrying this person.
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

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Originally Posted by tuff1 View Post
do I love him enough to look pass all those secrets and lies.

- Marriage certificate (he said he's never married)
- Name change certificate (he said he was born with the name he currently bears)
- Birth certificate (completely different birth place from where he said he was born, heck, the record is not even English)
- Immigration record, foreign passport and ID (and he said he was a citizen here in Canada)
- a bunch of rent receipt (he said the house is his and he's paying mortgage)
- Some court files for assault and shop-lifting (this made me very sad)
- Pay tubs from companies he never told me he used to work for
- Disability checks (he claimed that his family is wealth off, so why claiming for social assistance?)

To be honest, I don't really mind any of those,they are all the past. What happened in the past is just the past. What saddens me so much is that he didn't admit any of that, which means he doesn't trust me.

Thought?
Uh, excuse me ... HE doesn't trust YOU??? My dear lady, this man has fabricated his background, not to mention he is also guilty of stealing and assault!

I doubt he has a new identity because he's a secret agent. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Now. Regardless of whether or not this is in the past, HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT MAJOR THINGS THAT OCCURRED IN HIS LIFE.

I would have made copies of all the stuff, then shoved his azz out the door ASAP.

He's turning the tables on you and blame-shifting. You marry this man, you are in for big problems. I fail to see what there is to love about a serial liar. Really.
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Sounds like you have had a lucky save with this one. Don't waste your life on him, run and fast.
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

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Sounds like you have had a lucky save with this one. Don't waste your life on him, run and fast.
this! ...and be careful!
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

If he's going to lie about that, what ELSE will this "amazing" man lie about?
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Thanks everyone for very quick response to this. I really need outside opinions on this.
I know I should be hightailing, and I did. Upon discovering all those secrets, I didn't want anything to do with the person. I even was concerned of my own safety. So I went "awol" for 2 months. Then he contacted me saying he's moving away.
I came to say goodbye and spent the last few days together. He said I was his everything, and that he lost everything when I broke up with him.
Why am I hang up on getting involved with him still? Because I bind myself to the mindset of not being judgmental, and have a kind soul. Instead of jumping to conclusion and abandon the bad, I would make myself think and try to understand where the person comes from,why he does what he's done. There might be a reason that somehow one could learn to tolerate.
But the fact that someone lied to me just makes me feel stoopid. Yes, it was my mistake that I didn't make copies of take photos of those documents. I am now researching what kind of personal information you could collect from legitimate sources, so I could use that to confront with him.
What I'm trying to get at is, I'm gathering as much evidence as I could (any advice on this is greatly appreciated), then talk to him. Let him explain his side of the story. Then make the decision.
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Quote:
Originally Posted by tuff1 View Post
Thanks everyone for very quick response to this. I really need outside opinions on this.
I know I should be hightailing, and I did. Upon discovering all those secrets, I didn't want anything to do with the person. I even was concerned of my own safety. So I went "awol" for 2 months. Then he contacted me saying he's moving away.
I came to say goodbye and spent the last few days together. He said I was his everything, and that he lost everything when I broke up with him.
Why am I hang up on getting involved with him still? Because I bind myself to the mindset of not being judgmental, and have a kind soul. Instead of jumping to conclusion and abandon the bad, I would make myself think and try to understand where the person comes from,why he does what he's done. There might be a reason that somehow one could learn to tolerate.
But the fact that someone lied to me just makes me feel stoopid. Yes, it was my mistake that I didn't make copies of take photos of those documents. I am now researching what kind of personal information you could collect from legitimate sources, so I could use that to confront with him.
What I'm trying to get at is, I'm gathering as much evidence as I could (any advice on this is greatly appreciated), then talk to him. Let him explain his side of the story. Then make the decision.
Maybe you need to look at how you value yourself. Yes being a kind soul and not being judgemental are fabulous qualities but if you have a low value of yourself and what you are worth then you will be walked all over by this man (and others).

He has lied to you, he has a past that would not be acceptable to someone that values honesty and integrity. Why waste any more time on him, he will just make up more stories and in the end you will be ruined by him.

Please take the energy you are going to use to investigate him and use that energy on yourself. Learn more about yourself and your need to take this dead end relationship any further. What is missing from you that makes you want to pursue this man?
Do some work on your self esteem.
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Holland, very profound. You struck right at my weak locus. I imagine my very best dear friend would say the same thing you did. Thank you so much!
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Quote:
I'm gathering as much evidence as I could (any advice on this is greatly appreciated), then talk to him. Let him explain his side of the story. Then make the decision.
WHY are you WASTING YOUR TIME trying to "gather evidence". You KNOW what you saw, you're not an idiot, you're not imagining it.

If he burnt it up, would that mean it wasn't true...just because you couldn't "PROVE" it? Of course not! Gathering evidence is just WASTED EFFORT because things ARE what they are.

Why let him explain? If he told you he was on a secret mission from the CIA, you'd believe him! If he told you he was from another planet or the second coming of Christ, you'd believe him. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it logical. Your postings SHOW that you want to be perceived as CARING AND ACCEPTING at ALL COSTS...above EVERYTHING ELSE. That sounds VERY altruistic, but NOT VERY smart in the self-preservation category.

Serial rapists/killers prey on the fact that women in particular want to be "nice" and "understanding" and "kind". I'm NOT saying this guy is a rapist/killer; I *AM* saying that YOU are more concerned with other people's perceptions of you than you are about your own intelligence, well-being, common sense. WHY IS THAT?

He has LIED about EVERYTHING. WHY would his 'love' for you be anything more than another LIE...another elaborate charade? You deserve to be LOVED FOR REAL by a REAL man - not some fake-azz LOSER with serious mental/emotional problems.

1.) DUMP this LOSER N-O-W.
2.) Get into Individual Counseling NOW (seriously, next week at the latest) and find out WHY other people's opinions of you MATTER TO YOU SO MUCH, TOO MUCH.
3.) Do NOT get into another SERIOUS relationship until you have been in therapy AT LEAST 6 months. I KNOW that YOU will see YOURSELF in a whole new light, and you will be much more ready for a WONDERFUL relationship with someone who deserves you.

Good luck, tuff1.
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:27 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My fiance was married before. He has a secret life

Don't walk. Run.
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