2cities

Hi Everyone! I'm new here, and I really need the help of those that might be going through something similar to me, because I really don't know what to do....

Here it goes...My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and have been married for only 7 months. He is from another city but we happened to meet when he was visiting my city. Anyway, we've been together ever since. I'm extremely close to my family and I told him from the beginning very clearly that I would not be willing to move away from my family. He understood so we kept dating. We were long distance for 2 years until he moved here. After a year we broke up and he moved back. We decided to get back together so he moved back and we started planning our wedding. So now he's been here 1 year and a half and we've been married 7 months. For the last few months we've been having a lot of problems....fighting almost everyday....to the point that he says he's tired of all this and he doesn't even know why we got married. Now he's talking about wanting to go back to his city, that he hates it here. He says he always wanted to raise his kids in his city with his friends and family around (he's not even that close to his family). Things have been a lot better lately, almost like normal....We haven't mentioned anything for like 2 weeks about the status of our relationship or moving other than he says he has hope for us and he wants to work it out, but he doesn't think he can live here. He wants us to move to his city.

Now i'm really stuck, because he sounds really serious about this. Why did he continue a relationship for almost 5 years knowing how I felt about moving? Why did he move here? Why did he marry me? Why now, after not even a year of marriage is he going to do this? He knows how extremely close I am with my family. My mom and my sister are my best friends AND my sister just had a baby. She's not even 2 months old yet....

I guess what I want to know is, is this fair of him? I definitely don't want to lose him, so do I go with him? I can't imagine my life without him. I get sick just thinking about not being with him, but I know I won't be happy living without my family...

Are there other couples out there that have moved for their husbands or wives even though you didn't want to? How do you cope with it? Was it not as bad as you thought it would be? Is it worth it if the love is there? HELP!!!

Thank you so much to everyone that offers any kind of help or advice!

Blanca

It was worse then i thought it would be- much, much worse. I moved away from my family when my H (boyfriend at the time) got a job. We had a lot of problems, though. I dont handle change well and he turned out to be a liar.

You asked if this was fair of him- just remember, he's only human. he did what he thought was right at the time, and now it doesnt feel right to him anymore. he probably thought he could make it work at the time, but is now realizing he cant.

but that doesnt change the fact that you made it very clear to him that you wanted to be by your family. I dont think you should move. You told him how you felt before you got married and i think you should stick by your guns.

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2cities

Thanks for replying! I totally see where you're coming from. Maybe I should stand my ground, but I don't want my marriage to end. He is my life and I cant' imagine being without him. So if he says he needs to go back to his city, how could I watch him leave? Is it worth the risk? Maybe i'll be happy over there somehow if i'm with him....

Blanca

well, i left my family about four years ago. the first few months were really, really hard on me. but i got over being away from my family after a year or so. and in a way, i think it actually made my H and i stronger because we only had each other to go to when we were fighting. so we had to deal with it.

there's nothing wrong with changing your mind and going with him, as long as you dont blame him for your choice when things get hard. I blamed my H for my choice for years and it really made things worse for me.

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2cities

Yeah, I can imagine that it would be really hard, especially in the beginning. But was it worth it? Could you say you're happy there now? Do you regret moving? I feel like I could never feel like its home if my family isn't there...will that feeling go away after a while?
Thanks so much for responding btw, you're the only one that has offered any advice with me on this site...

Blanca

Today, yes. ask me tomorrow and it might be no

I am learning to be happy here. Im not quite there, yet. i lost a lot of my independence when i moved. i gained it back when i moved the first time (after about a year), but we have since moved again and so im kind of starting all over. that is hard for me. but im still here so i obviously dont regret it that much.

ya, that feeling goes away. My H is my family now and im looking forward to having kids some day. once you get past all the insecurities and fighting and get comfortable just being the two of you, you'll see him as your family. And you will realize that your family will always be there for you- even if at a distance. You can write and call and talk on the phone, go to visit. Your H should be pretty understanding since he moved, too. And if it doesnt work out, you can always go back.

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recent_cloud

i find moving to a new places invigorating. i can make a home anywhere. most people can't.

you ask if your husband's position is fair.

no, it's not. but he is still entitled to his position because life is not fair either.

early in your relationship in good faith you told your then-boyfriend that moving away from your family was not an option.

now, as your marriage experiences difficulty, he proclaims that moving is now an option.

i'm not as concerned about whether you should move or not, i'm more concerned about how your husband is treating you.

i can't help but wonder is your husband's position isn't a passive agressive response.

it seems to be the one position he could take that would cause you the most discomfort and the one issue that he could use to cast you in a poor light, i.e., 'i lived in her town for over a year, and now she refuses me the same courtesy.'

as well, your husband is saying 'our marriage is unstable, you never wanted to move from your family, ergo, this is the absolute perfect time for you to uproot yourself.

that is an untenable position on the face of it, and belies issues not yet addressed here.