Nothing in common,etc
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Old 06-04-2009, 06:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Nothing in common,etc

Hi,
My husband and I have been having problems for a long while now. I think it all started when I was pregnant w/our 2nd child. I was miserable. Not just with him, but with everything. He told that he was ready to divorce me because of it. After I had our daughter, I was still a bit on the grumpy side. Not sure why. Really had nothing to do with him. My guess was post-pardem (sp?) depression. January of last year I decided I needed to make myself feel better and be happier. I joined an online support group to help me lose weight. They also helped me emotionally and I started to snap out of it. I got in great shape too! Well, my husband didn't like that I turned to the people online. He was jealous and wondered how I could turn to strangers to help me and not him. That wasn't it at all and we've had the argument over and over and have gotten nowhere. I've left the group, gained some of the weight back, and again we are facing more problems.

We have come to realize that we have nothing in common that we like to do. We hate each other's music, he likes to do guy things, I like to do girlie things, and more. We have different interests and he is so worried that because of it, I'm eventually going to leave. I stay at home with the kids and do everything that I am supposed to do. I rarely get time off and that adds to it too. Granted he works, but I am so bitter that he can go and do things and I can't. I like to meet up with my girlfriends for dinner and ****tails (I've maybe done it 3 times this year) and when I'm leaving the house to go, he cops an attitude. When I get home, he questions what I've been doing for how ever many hours I've been gone. I can't relax and enjoy myself. I asked him why he is like that and he says it is because of the way he grew up. His mom never went out and did that. He almost makes it sounds like I'm out going crazy. It is me and 3 girls chatting about Sex in the city and having wine. I told him it is 2009 and not 1950 and if he wanted to marry June Cleaver he picked the wrong girl.

I told him we should see someone and he disagrees. I don't know what to do. We are both miserable. I think he has trust issues and is very stubborn on many things. I haven't exactly been the most affectionate person lately either. I don't know what to do. We have been married for 8 years and have 2 great kids.

Anyone have any advice for me? Thanks
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Old 06-04-2009, 08:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

I'm not sure...my best advice would be that you should both seek marriage counseling and perhaps individual but if he's completely unwilling to do that...it's tough to say. You shouldn't be expected to stay at home 24/7 to make him feel better. Even a stay at home mom needs help and support both in AND out of the home. Maybe write out exactly how you feel and why you think you should seek counseling?? Would he respond to that better?
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Old 06-04-2009, 09:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Common interests really don't matter... what matters is people who marry have the same goals in life.

He will never be your girlie friend, no matter what and you should not try to make him that. Find girlie girls to do girlie things with and let him be a man and do man things.
Men and woman are wired up different, they are supposed to be.. that is how God made them to balance each other.
Find you some girlfriends in real life to chat with and let your husband like that he likes.
You may try some mothers play groups to meet other women. Until your kids are older, your going to feel overwelmed as kids are a big job. Your not going to have a lot of free time for yourself until youtr kids are older, thats just how it goes. If you want nights out, plan for them and hire a sitter if he is not willing or available, but limit that as your primary responsibility now is children, if they aren't, you shouldn't have had them.
If you do not have the resources to pay for sitters, then you won't have the freedom, thats just how it goes.

Last edited by preso; 06-04-2009 at 09:49 AM.
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Old 06-04-2009, 09:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Oh my the story of my life except the questioning of what I've been doing bit. My husband listens to country and I listen to electronic. The minor differences don't matter to me but apparently they do him which is super lame.

In your case, it seems that it has less to do with the differences and more with jealousy.
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Old 06-04-2009, 10:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

I have to disagree, common interests do matter...there has to be a balance of things you do with friends and things you do together as a couple. Common goals is equally important but who cares if you reach them if you aren't doing it together.

My advice for the OP...you're in for a long road if there isn't something done to change things. It doesn't sound like there is much interest on your part to save the marriage...and being bitter certainly doesn't help.

I would say that post-partum depression is possible, especially if you aren't able to go out and enjoy much of the things you used to and all you get to do is be with the kids. That causes resentment and most men fail to realize that even though being a stay home mom means taking on the brunt of the care for the children, even the best of mother's need a break now and then.

If you won the lottery would you stay in this relationship or would you go?

If you would stay then the best thing to do would be to sit down with you husband or if he won't sit with you, write down what you see are issues and what the possible resolutions might be and then have him read them...he can add to them as well. Work on trying to fix things, give it six months or so...if things aren't better, then you should probably make an exit plan and go.

If you wouldn't stay if you won the lottery, you should just start making your exit plan now.

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Old 06-04-2009, 11:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Thanks for the advice.

He is into long distance biking, photography, and going to the gun range. He is headed on a 150 mile trip this weekend. I'm ok with him doing it, but he trains for it too. He is gone from 6-8 hours biking sometimes. It is not that I don't let him do these guy things. I do. I guess I am resenting that he gets to and I don't. I also wish he'd do more with the kids. When I go somewhere and he has to watch them, he goes to his mother's. I want him to stay here and do what I do. That's just another thing. . .

I really think we need to talk to someone. After I posted this, we started an email discussion while he is at work(easier than fighting in front of the kids). I'm hoping he agrees to going with me. Or, I might do myself.

Preacher-Winning the lottery wouldn't make me want to leave.

My biggest priority is my kids and I don't want them to see us fighting and I don't wants things to get worse and end up in a bitter divorce.
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Old 06-04-2009, 02:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Maybe he just feels really insecure with all the fighting. I definitely think you need to join your online group again but also work on your relationship with your H.

My H didnt like that i was on here at first either. he gets jealous. but it helps that im not angry at him anymore and i can see his jealousy for what it is and it doesnt bother me. i dont take it personally and i dont stop doing what i want. but i do try and comfort him and reassure him. trust me, my H and I have nothing we like doing together either. he likes basketball (Yuck!), video games, racketball, and stupid tv shows. We've talked about this a lot, too. It used to really bother me.

Dont give up the things you love! let him have his fits like a little kid. If you give up what you love you will hate him and things will never get better. My H and I do a boundary book & workbook together called Boundaries in Marriage by dr. cloud and townsend. its religious centered but it has helped us sooooo, so much. dr. phil also has a book and workbook called relationship rescue if you dont like religious things.
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Old 06-04-2009, 06:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Quote:
Originally Posted by JDPreacher View Post
I have to disagree, common interests do matter...there has to be a balance of things you do with friends and things you do together as a couple. Common goals is equally important but who cares if you reach them if you aren't doing it together.

\

I beg to differ. My husbands interests are grilling, guns, trucks and astronomy ( has huge telescope). I have none of those interests at all, mine are arts and crafts, reading ( mostly literature).
Our common values are privacy, hard work, clean surroundings, a nice home, we are both savers and plan to retire at the same time too and both want to have the same lifestyle, which is living at a mountain resort when we retire... and we already have the place picked out after we both researched it.

When we do retire, I will be fishing most days and he will
and I hope he doesn't aquire a taste for fishing because I like to have my own time, doing my own thing and do not want a 24/7 companion, already have a dog !!!!

I'd like to get more into yoga and meditation and I can tell you for sure, he would have no interest in any of that.
Does that mean we do not love each other?
I'd say it means we love each other very much as we trust each other more than most and can be away from each other and not feel threatened. Your partner is not here in life to meet all your needs, only God can meet all your needs.
He is just my partner and spouse, he can only be and do so much.

When I met my husband and saw we had few common interests but the same lifes goals, I was like WOOOOOWEEE ! jackpot ! a balanced person who isn't want to be tethered to me !
Besides that, since our interests differ so much we make a very balanced couple...
as we can do anything as a team, I can fix things, he can find things and when you add up both our talents, we are a very good team. Imagine if your partner only knew about what you did !!! how sad that would be and you would be limited too in what you could do !

I have a friend who is married to a guy and they have many common interests. I noticed they are often in competition with each other and then they always argue who has to do what because neither one of them wants to do any housework...
they are more competetors than spouses.
shesh... forget that.. life is stressful enough than to have that in your life !
and they also never agree on anything even though they have many of the same hobbies !
haha

Last edited by preso; 06-04-2009 at 06:23 PM.
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Old 06-04-2009, 07:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

I have to say that common interests do matter how else do you spend time together if you don't share any mutual interest??? I believe a couple needs to have individual AND mutual interest therefor both needs can be met alone and together time. If you have no common interest then what can you do aside from going out to dinner and sex? I don't know about anyone else here but I don't want to lead a completely separate life from my spouse. I want time w/my friends, time alone, time w/my hubby, time together w/my hubby and friends etc.

And there's nothing more that I look forward to than retirement w/my hubby (whomever he may be at the time because I'm not sure where my marriage is headed at the moment well I know where its headed but I'm doing my damndest to stop it from getting there) because life, work, and kids (or other things if you are a childless couple) often steal the much needed time w/said spouse and retirement is when you get to make up for that lost time w/spouse amongst other people that life took away from you previuosly because other things were a priority at the moment. All in the circle of life I suppose and honestly strictly my opinions not bashing anyone else's here.

Just for example I bowl hubby does not. Monday evenings I bowl w/the ladies, Friday evenings w/my father (our father daughter time). Husband shoots guns and plays Warcraft both of which I enjoy doing w/him but also like to let him do w/the boys. We both are music lovers etc. I love photography hubby could care less if his picture was taken more than once at xmas, easter, and other holidays lol.

Just a few examples of our interests and things we can do together as well as alone or with others.
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Old 06-05-2009, 02:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I dont really think common interest are that important. Like tonight i sat and watched Planet Earth with my H, this weekend we went to see UP, and i frequently watch basketball with him. I picked a favorite player (Lebron James) and its fun when my player plays his (Dwyane Wade). I dont really care about any of this stuff but I can get into it for him. He goes on walks with me with our dog, asks about the books im reading, what was on the forums, but he's not really interested in any of this either. I think what's more important is that we do take interest in it because we care about each other. Interests will come and go (who knows what we'll be interested in in twenty years) but the dedication to be interested can be the constant.

There are core characteristics that I think are important and can cause real friction if they're out of place. My H and I are both frugal savers, neither of us has ever drank or done drugs, we're both kind of anti-social, both spiritual, and family oriented. If this stuff was not in sync i could see it being a real problem.
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

My biggest marriage problems also started after the birth of my second child. We never really had common interests and activities, just going to dinner and movies. We did share in taking care of our first child, but after we had two, hubby decided he didn't want to help anymore with childrearing. My depression and stress grew through the years. I also lost my job, and was at home for 2 whole years.

I think it is important to spend time with your husband (hire a sitter, datenight), spend time by yourself (just read), spend time with your girlfriends (girltalk), and spend time as a family (picnic in a park). Balance is key. Nurture yourself first, or you won't have the emotional energy to focus on your marriage or your kids.
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Old 06-05-2009, 04:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My husband is the typical outdoor hick. I went fishing with him before and loved it. I compromised because I loved him. He's into country, I love electronica. I gave up hanging out with my friends so that I could hang out in his world. I enjoyed being by his side, except he used to talk down to me afetr a while. He would laugh at my music, criticize my friends etc. Any other man would have been happy with a woman who can give up a lifestyle for him. we loed the same tv shows, movies and video gmes.

We spent time together travelling hanging out with his freinds but it was always one-sided and I was fine with that, now after he dumped my ass, I'm not fine with giving up a part of who I am.

I am now dating someone who shares the same interests as me and I must say that it is easier to have common interests, but it can work out with the right person. My husband was a jerk.

Last edited by Veronica Jackson; 06-05-2009 at 04:24 PM. Reason: adding more stuff
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Good for you, Veronica. Shared interests are better than not. You both have something in common to enjoy. Keep up the good work, girl.
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Nothing in common,etc

Thanks dcrim. Having "nothing in common" can't be entirely true. If there was love in the relationship then at some point during, there were strong similarities otherwise there wouldn't be a union. At some point in time, my partner used our differences to not only mock me, but to end the relationship. It was cowardly of him to go there as I found our differences to be endearing. Over time, I knew it was his behavior that was wrong, not me. His homophobic behavior was a major turn-off as it affects some members of my family and some of my dearest friends.

After he cut me loose, finding someone who shares the same taste in music, style and food was a blessing. It reminded me that my standards for a partner are geared more towards a more cultured and open-minded person, not an angry redneck with a superiority complex.

My husband was probably worried about me connecting with someone more "my speed" but he failed to realize love conquers all.

honu123, your husband probably feels threatened by the differences in your relationship and it sounds as though it may be causing insecurity. Bottom line, it's not the differences that are the issue, it's fear and insecurity.

I hope this helps. *hug*
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