Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?
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Old 10-30-2012, 01:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..

A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane". We had dated on and off, had a couple of false starts going down the marriage road, and finally took the plunge earlier this year. Jane's a great gal; there's no one else in the world I'm as comfortable around, and she's very confident and secure in herself. She's also very mothering, sometimes a bit too much, as in she'll call to make sure I'm in a safe hotel when working on the road, makes sure I'm eating right, sleeping enough, etc. I lost my mother when I was young and in some ways I think she appeals to me psychologically as a surrogate mother.

When I say we're perfectly comfortable around each other, I mean we can do things like sit in the same room together or in a car on a road trip for hours and not say anything to each other - and not in the slightest worry that "something's wrong". But it's a double-edged sword because many times we *do* hang around each other and say nothing, and I feel it's because we're fundamentally interested in different things. In terms of how we like to spend our time, where we'd want to go on vacation, the things we're passionate talking about.. we're simply on different pages. I feel like Jane and I love each other unconditionally, but we have nothing to really say to each other.

Now for the other lady. We'll call her "Liz". She's someone I've known for a while also, but not for as long as my wife. I first met Liz at work several years ago. We were going down the dating road, but had to put it on ice once I got back together with my now-wife. We stayed friends, but didn't see each other much. Now I've run into her again, and we're spending time together on the side and doing a lot of talking. Liz is the complete opposite to my wife Jane. She's fundamentally insecure with self-esteem issues. She says she feels happier and more confident in herself when she's with me, that I bring out the best in her. And I do believe that's true. We love talking to each other. Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary) And this may sound weird, but the fact she often says that "she needs me" doesn't make me want to run away from her clinginess, but actually brings out some protective instinct in me, and I feel closer to her. In some ways, I feel like if we were married, *I* would be the surrogate parent to *her*.

And the final consideration is physical. My wife Jane is very classically attractive (tall thin blonde) but because we don't share much of a mental connection, my interest in the bedroom has long been waning. It's been many years since we had good sex (only happened when we were first dating). I doubt this will change anytime soon. On the other hand, I'm very physically attracted to Liz, mostly because we do share such a connection, and this has consistently been the case ever since we dated briefly many years ago. Liz isn't nearly as conventionally attractive, but I physically desire her much more.

So that's where I am. I feel like Jane is my unconditional best friend and security blanket. But Liz is the person I most want to do "husband and wife" things with. A divorce would be devastating to Jane. But I want to do what's right. Any ideas?
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

You're in a full blown emotional affair. Cut it out now and work on your marriage with your wife. If after trying it dosn't work out, then think about other women but not while you're married.
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

Quote:
A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane".
How about we call them "exhibit A" and "exhibit B"

Anyway looks to me like yours a case of "the grass is greener on the other side". In my opinion stick to your wife and don't do anything stupid that youd probably regret big time!

And don't get fooled by that "you feel shes your intelectual soul mate" women are good at playing the soulmate game as good as we are, she might just be acting like shes into the same things as you are. I met a girl a couple of months back and we hit it big first time we met and when i told her i like running i go almost everyday she was like "really, me too". Three days after that i move to her place for two months and guess what? I never saw her run!

Stick to your wife! Thats my opinion anyway!
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

What's right is to end this emotional affair with Liz and concentrate on the great wife you already have! IF she will keep you once you reveal the EA to her! If Liz had been the right one, you would have know it before, so its time to end all contact.
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

You are a married man carrying on an emotional affair with another woman, and you want to take it to a physical affair. In case you have any doubt, this is NOT the right thing to do. No matter what you are telling yourself, you are cheating on your wife. If you really "WantsToDoWhatsRight" you will cut off all contact with the OW NOW, confess to your wife, do everything you can to repair the damage, and hope she keeps you around.

You also need to read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

and/or this one

http://www.amazon.ca/His-Needs-Her-B.../dp/0800717880
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Old 10-30-2012, 02:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by learningman View Post
You're in a full blown emotional affair. Cut it out now and work on your marriage with your wife. If after trying it dosn't work out, then think about other women but not while you're married.


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Old 10-30-2012, 03:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

I also vote for Jane.
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Old 10-30-2012, 03:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

You'll get bored of the second one just like you're bored of the first one eventually.
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Old 10-30-2012, 03:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

WantsToDoWhatsRight
is hopefully
ConsideringTheFactThatHesAboutToREALLYscrewUp !!!

Ok, so these women are different…EXCEPT for the fact that you are MARRIED to "Jane" !!!
WTF, guy? "Buyer's Remorse"??

Go back and re-read the posts above mine…and then read 'em again!

I've got news for you, pal: you're going to find out, sooner or later, that NOBODY is perfect. Sounds as if you're wanting to "take a little of this gal's personality, and then take a little of that one's.."

I've also got more news for you: love is not (ultimately) an emotion, it's a commitment !! There's gonna come a time (and it sounds as if it came waaay too soon with you) when you wake up and not feel the "emotion of love" anymore…..that's where the "commitment" kicks in!

Quit thinkin' you're "all that" to soo many different women, and man up to the vows you've ALREADY made!

I could've stomached your question IF you had not already married "Jane"….

Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsToDoWhatsRight View Post
Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..
Many thanks in advance to you, sir, for really taking my message to heart. You're REALLY going to screw up if you continue down this road.

Last edited by KnightTime; 10-30-2012 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 10-30-2012, 03:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

One thing's for sure. You don't love your now-wife, Jane.
Whether there is Liz or not, you just don't love your wife.
The way you talk about her speaks volumes how you don't connect with her sexually/mentally, regardless of Liz's existence in your life.

Liz just happens to be around you ... and she might be your soulmate, or she might not.

I think the lack of interest that you're starting to have about your wife is a big problem per se.

I think you married the wrong one, but this doesn't mean Liz is the right one.

Don't be fooled!


But I agree with you in one point: When couples have nothing to talk about and don't share the same interests, then their relationship/marriage is already over. There needs be connection outside the bedroom, and this connection is missing in your marriage.

Liz is another matter.
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Old 10-30-2012, 04:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsToDoWhatsRight View Post
I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary)
...and I told my husband when we were dating that I LOVED watching 4 hrs. of NASCAR races every Sunday


I think it's creepy that "Liz" says she needs a married man or any man for that matter. How old is she? Does she have a job?
What exactly does she "need" from you?

I never said "I need you" to any of my husbands (2) or boyfriends.

Anyway, your wife sounds like a lovely person & there's alot to be said for "comfortable"....think...drama.
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Old 10-30-2012, 05:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsToDoWhatsRight View Post
Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..

Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary)
Hahaha... Seriously dude? Come on... Can't you see what that is? She doesn't give a damn about Civil war battlefields. That's just what women do when they are on the prowl. They pretend interest in our personal hobbies crap even when they hate it. Specially when it includes trips to far away places with a married man.
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Old 10-30-2012, 05:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

Thanks for all the responses guys. The feedback seems pretty consistent that I'm being a fool to carry on this emotional affair (just learned that phrase!).

One thing though, I'm quite certain Liz and I having common interests is a real thing and not illusory (I've known her almost 5 years) so if anyone has any further advice, please take that point at face value.

Thanks again.
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Old 10-30-2012, 05:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?

You know, you are thinking she is great and your soul mate, because you two aren't living together yet.

When you are seeing someone for 40 hours a week or less, you aren't meeting them. You are meeting who THEY want you to meet. The best version of them.

When you live with someone, and see them everyday, you are seeing them. You see them for all the beautiful things they do, and all the things they do that drive you crazy.
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Old 10-30-2012, 05:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WantsToDoWhatsRight View Post
One thing though, I'm quite certain Liz and I having common interests is a real thing and not illusory (I've known her almost 5 years) so if anyone has any further advice, please take that point at face value.

Thanks again.
Of course you are.

Hubby and I are reading His Needs Her Needs right now, and last night we read about you in there. Dude felt EXACTLY the same way. Exactly how EVERY guy (and woman) feels when they're in the throes of an EA, especially one about to become a PA.

If you really DO want to do the right thing, do some reading about affair fog, because you are DEEP DEEP into it. The book mentioned above is a good one if you want a whole book. Or just google it. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is another really good book - there's a website for that one too.
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