General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
We have been married for 15 years. This a second marriage for both of us. I am not sure what I am doing anymore. We have not had a "good" relationship since the day we said i do. We do not agree on a single thing. Here is an example of how things go with us. Conversation last night: daughter and husband are looking a house to buy, she said it was on a dead end road, I went and looked at the house and it is not a dead end so i was telling her it was not a dead end.
Me: it is not a dead end
Husband: you are not thinking about the same road (said with and ugly tone)
Me: yes I was I drove on it (said with an ugly tone)
My husband did not speak to me for about an hour. When I asked why he was mad he said I talked to him ugly. I said he talked to me ugly, he said he said the word maybe (which he didn't). I then said are you not to speak to me for the rest of the night and he said I am not sure.
This is how is goes all the time. He can talk to me ugly but if i take up for myself then he claims I always think I am right and doesn't speak to me.
I really feel like he hates me.
I currently had a cancer scare and he did not even offer to go to the doctor with me.
What should i do?
We have been married for 15 years. This a second marriage for both of us. I am not sure what I am doing anymore. We have not had a "good" relationship since the day we said i do. We do not agree on a single thing. Here is an example of how things go with us. Conversation last night: daughter and husband are looking a house to buy, she said it was on a dead end road, I went and looked at the house and it is not a dead end so i was telling her it was not a dead end.
Me: it is not a dead end
Husband: you are not thinking about the same road (said with and ugly tone)
Me: yes I was I drove on it (said with an ugly tone)
My husband did not speak to me for about an hour. When I asked why he was mad he said I talked to him ugly. I said he talked to me ugly, he said he said the word maybe (which he didn't). I then said are you not to speak to me for the rest of the night and he said I am not sure.
This is how is goes all the time. He can talk to me ugly but if i take up for myself then he claims I always think I am right and doesn't speak to me.
I really feel like he hates me.
I currently had a cancer scare and he did not even offer to go to the doctor with me.
What should i do?
Sounds like your having control issues with the daughter...
so what if she thinks it's dead end? tell her once it isn't and move on with the conversation. That you choose to argue over it, says there are control issues. Being you have them with your husband too, I think it may be you. You should seek individual counseling about this to help your relationship.
Often people with medical issues can become very controlling as they cannot control the disease or medical problems, so they attempt to control everything else. They can be very hard to deal with.
I wish you the best and hope you can work it out and your relationship doesn't end over silly squabbles over control.
Sounds like you are both being really immature about stupid stuff. Try being the bigger person. Sometimes it only takes one person in the marriage to change everything by refusing to engage in the same old patterns. You are stuck in a tit-for-tat that, despite being extremely silly, is ruining your marriage. Go to the self-help section at a bookstore and you will find many wonderful books on how to start changing the dynamic in your relationship.
If you do your part and he's still being an ass (it will take some time to see changes on his part, so don't give up within two weeks), then come back and let's see what else can be done. For now, you're being as much a contributor to the problem as anybody else - so I say start working on yourself.
You should really try working on not reacting to him. I know how you feel, though. My H can set me off quicker then anyone i know. Instead of just reacting i keep my mouth shut until i can think about it. This is only recently though. i used to just bite his head off. Lately he's been sarcastically derogatory and instead of just biting back at him I thought to myself, Usually a person acts that way because they are angry. So i asked him if there was anything I had done that was making him angry, or if there was something he wanted to talk about. And then I would tell him how his comments make me feel and what im going to do if he doesnt stop.
Sounds to me like you have had a cancer scare and are angry that he didn't behave as you would expect him to. A cancer scare is - well, scary! He should react with compassion and hand holding and have said "Hell, yes, I am going to the doctor with you"...as he hands you your purse and keys.
A bad relating for 15 years you say?
Sounds to ME like you've been putting up with a less than optimum relationship because life didn't seem so SHORT as when you look at life and mortality from a cancer scare point of view.
When you experience a cancer scare, life takes on a whole new perspective and you are not willing to waste a minute of your precious life on being treated like a "nothing".
Your husband treated you like "a nothing" when he didn't even accompany his wife of 15 years to a VITAL and IMPORTANT meeting with a doctor about a cancer issue.
Hi folks.
Thank you for the above responding posts. When I posted the first time I tried not to write too much and in the porcess gave the wrong impression. I want to clear up the discussion with my daughter. She is looking for a house on a dead end street. When she went to this house to look at it the street has a sign saying dead end. So she assumed the road going straight up beside the house was another drive way and she did not go up the road. I was telling her it was a road, not a drive way. My husband came in the middle of the conversation and that is when the above conversation took place.
I also did not state that I am a 19 year survivor of cancer. I had breast cancer at 29 years old. You are right about how a cancer scare is mind altering event. Unfortunately this is how he has been through the entire marriage. He was not there during the original cancer surgery and chemo, so he really does not know how bad it can be.
I, also, did not go into the fact that he has an extreme case of obsession. He gets on these kicks on the collection of the moment. Right after we married he began his first obsession. This was Nascar. He collected numerous items (cars, trucks, cups, hats....) dealing with Nascar. Now understand some of those collector cars can cost as much as $150. This last a few years and the last time I took a stab at figuring the cost it was ober $7000. Next came his obsession with the music group KISS. This obsession ran in excess of $10000. Next came the home theater obsession. This one started a new trend. He would buy a piece keep it for a while and then sell it for a more expensive part. We had 6 center channel speakers, 8 subwoofers, so on and so on. At the time when he finally stopped we had $10000 in equipment (that is not what he spent). Next came the obsession with guitar picks. Not really sure how much he has these but I know several cost $50 or more. Then came the newest obsession. Guns! Who knew how expensive guns were! I told him at the beginning of this obsession I was not sure I could live through another obsession and he promised he was only buying 2 guns. Numerous guns later and a safe and several cases of ammo need I say more. Let me explain he is not wealthy, he does not have a job which pays a lot, I am not wealthy. So all our money goes for these obsessions.
So the way he speaks to me is just a very small part of our problems. I started responding to him in the same tone he uses with me to try to show him how is feels, unfortunately that was not one of my better moves. I have tried talking to him about how he talks to me, but he usually responds with "of course it is all my fault" and will not talk about it.
So as you can see a lot more is going on. Thank you for your advice.
You need professional help, as a couple and/or individually. It sounds like there is a LOT going on, and if you want to save the marriage, you need to take action now. It won't get any better, that is for sure! But, if you are "done," then just get it over with. Nothing to be gained if you really don't want to save the relationship, so why waste time and energy? Best of luck, whatever you decide!
wow, now I feel sorry for you !
Nascar is big where I live.. something I hate and I feel sorry for you if you have to tolerate it as it's not even a sport in my eyes...
Please help me decide
