Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker
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Old 11-03-2012, 12:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

So I'm getting desperate about what I should do here. My husband is a cook at a bar. He's always around girls who are about 50 lbs or more, lighter than me. I wasn't always the size I am now but two kids and health issues will do that to you.

Anyway, he has this coworker that is a cook too. She's getting a little too close for comfort and my husband doesn't seem to understand WHY it upsets me.

In order to understand, I have to give some back story. When I first saw my husband, I knew instantly, he was what I wanted and I was going to get him no matter what. We started off as just friends because he had a girlfriend. I didn't want to disrupt what they had going on but I couldn't just let him slip through my fingers. We clicked immediately and soon became inseparable! I mean, he would walk all the way across town, at night, in 20 below weather, just to come and see me. All while he still had a girlfriend who knew where he was going and who he was with. I know this is going to sound scandalous but I started to cook for him. After all, it's the quickest way to a man's heart!

Soon, I couldn't help myself and just spilled it all! I asked him why he was wasting his time on someone who was not what he really wanted and that I knew she wasn't what he wanted, or else he wouldn't be doing what he was doing. Before they broke up, he told me that when he looks at me, he sees the mother of his children and he doesn't know why he can't let go of her. Well, she messed around and that was the end of them. He then dated another chick and I was really upset about it, at first. I then realized I did not want to just be a rebound fling. So I waited. They lasted about 2 weeks or so and then he was all mine!

Now we're married and have two kids. BUT the female coworker I mentioned earlier, is doing the same food thing with him. Here's the thing: I've seen this girl. To me, she's not attractive in the least! That's just going by looks. I don't know her other than what I see about her here and there on facebook. She seems nice and she seems to have a good personality though. She used to have a major unibrow. Now, she's taken care of it and made a point of showing my husband. And she's made a point of being more girly. All of this is recent. Like within a few months of my husband starting his job.

Every year, even before we were dating, I'd make him a birthday cake. This year, she did it before I had the chance. He went on and on and freaking on about how cool she is and how good her cake was. So I asked him if she does stuff like that for everyone. He said no. She's ALWAYS making him goodies and bringing them in. She's always trying to chat with him while on facebook. They are buddy buddy while at work. And he has even told me that he thinks of her as a "really really good friend". Ok. Well, that's exactly what I was and exactly what he told BOTH of his former girlfriends about me. I even brought up that point and since, he's just be silent about her.

Now we have been talking about moving early next year, to a new state. Way away from his job and this girl. Not because of her or anything, but because of family. He's been all excited about moving and so have I! However, our finances aren't in order enough to make that move and they won't be until about 2014. When I told him that, he almost panicked. Saying he's now bored with his job and wants to find something else. Which is SUPER strange because he LOVES his job! He's loved it since day one. He was recently promoted too. So him wanting to suddenly leave now that our move is no longer happening as soon as he thought it would, has me super suspicious. I've told him about my suspicions a few times but I feel like now he's being even more secretive about her. Which worries me even more.

To top it all off, I know the game. I did it to get him. I plan on keeping him because I really do believe God made him for me. I have never felt the way I feel about him, with anyone else. Him and our kids make me whole! I am so deeply in love with him and would do anything to keep him! I KNOW he loves me. He shows me everyday with all the things he does! I just can't help but feel like he's getting too close with this girl. I know I'm on edge because of how I got him. But I also know the game. We don't talk like how we used to. He's been even more into sex and has even picked up some new moves. What is going on and what can I do to help the situation get better? I'm to the point to where I'm about ready to start spying on him while at work to see for myself what's going on. He's been coming home later too and working weird hours that conveniently overlap with her shifts. Please help! I'm new here and am desperate!
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Old 11-03-2012, 12:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

What exactly makes you suspicious of him [ cheating / affair ] other than the moves she's putting down on him?
Are there other signs that you think may be red flags from him?
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Old 11-03-2012, 01:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

You sound far too dependent on him for your happiness. Become happy with yourself and you'll stop being so desperate to keep him under your thumb like that.

And both of you should read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
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Old 11-03-2012, 06:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

Affairs happen all of the time in the workplace. Go with your gut & start investigating.

Is she married?
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Old 11-03-2012, 11:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

Has your husband done anything that might make you think there is something going on (emotional or physical)? It doesn't matter what SHE does, it matters how HE responds. Is she married? Does she know about you?

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend, and his coworker did many of the same things. However, there were signs on his end that he was emotionally attached (saying he'd miss her if he left his job, admitting that he was attracted to her when she initially began working with him, responding to her texts as soon as he got them, talking to her while we were on vacation together, talking about her often, there had been rumors going at work about them, to name a few). He stopped all contact with her and she has since moved on to the new guy who started working with them. But you did not indicate if your husband has done anything on his end that might worry you.

Or maybe you are just worried because she is doing the same thing that you did, to convince your husband to break up with his then-gf?
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Old 11-03-2012, 11:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

I can't tell if this post is a joke or not. The lack of empathy and remorse is astounding. One of those situations where it may be safe to say: "How you get them is how you lose them."
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Old 11-04-2012, 04:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

Quote:
She's getting a little too close for comfort and my husband doesn't seem to understand WHY it upsets me.
Believe me, he does. It's just that he doesn't give a damn! Just like he didn't give a damn when you did the exact same thing. He is that kind of guy.
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Old 11-04-2012, 05:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Believe me, he does. It's just that he doesn't give a damn! Just like he didn't give a damn when you did the exact same thing. He is that kind of guy.
Exactly.
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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First off, when you know what you want, you do what you can to get it. I was at least honest with BOTH of them. Yes, I even told his ex that I did liked him. I kept my boundaries BIG TIME in the beginning while they were still together. And no, I don't have remorse because I did NOTHING wrong. I made food occasionally. That's where I stopped. Then HIS girlfriend cheated and they broke up. Then he rebounded with some chick. All while we would hang out. We did NOTHING at all beside eat together and watch movies or hang out with our friends. BOTH girls knew we were friends from the get go. Really good friends. I even tried to help him and his first girlfriend out, and even stayed away. I did not want to be a home wrecker. She messed things up. Not me. So no, I don't have remorse. And no, I don't feel bad for her because she cheated. She's now in a relationship that she's been in for quite a few years now and is doing well.

@galian84: He doesn't chat with her outside of work that I know of. I'm more concerned about an emotional thing rather than something physical. I don't know why he considers her a good friend because I don't know what they talk about. After he's had the overlapping shifts, he's more distant. And just to make things clear, I didn't cook JUST to get at him. Everyone eats, right? If we were hanging out at lunch time, we'd eat. If we were hanging out at dinner time, and neither of us had plans, we'd eat. It's not why I cooked. It wasn't my intent even though, yes, I did like him. It just happened to be lunch time or dinner time that we'd see each other.

@Emerald: No she's not married and very single.

@Caribbean Man: I worry because he has told me she's a really good friend, she cooks just him things, she's now looking for his approval with what she does and what she wears and she's majorly bettering herself. I would have no problem with any of this stuff IF she were to cook for everyone, not be taking such an interest in my husband, and she would quit stalking his fb page. Yes, she knows about me. All of his coworkers do.

I've been with him for almost 7 years now. I know this isn't a game. I'm very straight forward with him because of how we ended up. Yes, I liked him. Yes, I knew what I wanted. And yes, when I had the chance, I pounced. I kept MAJOR boundaries in place the entire time he was seeing anyone! We weren't sexual with anything until after he was out of both relationships.

My intent from the beginning was to get closer. Not steal him away. I don't know if any of you believe in love at first sight, but when I first laid my eyes on him, I just knew. I don't know how to explain it. I knew that if I didn't get closer, I'd be kicking myself in the butt. So I did. Now we're married with two kids and everything is pretty much awesome other than this girl.

No, I'm not dependent on him for happiness. I can't help it if he makes me happy! Other than having to stress out about this girl, I'm in a good place right now. I do, however, view marriage as a lifetime commitment. When he asked me to marry him, I told him that I only want to marry once. I didn't just jump into anything. We were engaged for almost 4 years before we actually tied the knot because I was leery about how we got together. We were best friends for about 2 1/2 years before we got together. So it's been about 10 years that I've known him.

I've seen his other relationships and they were NOTHING like how ours is. Even before the kids it's been different. We are a team. With his prior ones, the one girl from the beginning, used him. She was very scandalous from the get go (not wanting to be with only him, trying to hook up with other dudes, getting numbers, being the super drunk flirty chick and hanging on all the guys.) and really only did for her. The other girl was very aloof and air headed. I'm totally different than what they are. My thoughts from the very beginning were to get to know this guy better. We clicked immediately. Everything else just kind of fell into place and I seized my opportunity.
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
You sound far too dependent on him for your happiness. Become happy with yourself and you'll stop being so desperate to keep him under your thumb like that.

And both of you should read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
Great book!

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Old 11-04-2012, 10:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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hmmmm you talk about the fact that you had strict boundaries and didn't do anything whilst he had a girlfriend...but at the same time knew he was walking across town to see you and you were cooking for him and you were inseparable...

you can tell yourself that you weren't interfering in his relationship all you want but that wouldn't have been happening if he were my boyfriend and if it was he would have been out of the door

now someone is doing exactly the same thing and the reason you're so threatened by it is because you recognise the behaviour.

If you're such a great team and everything is so different then why on earth would you be so worried?
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Old 11-04-2012, 12:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Why don't you go and rip on those who are cheating on their spouses openly and begging for their marriages to fail, and are ok with it? I came here to see what I could do about trying to save my marriage, and have gotten pretty much bs responses from bitter people. If I didn't have MAJOR issues with BOTH of my pregnancies and if I didn't have to go on crap that ballooned me out, I wouldn't be the size I am. Yes, I'm fat. Believe it or not, but not all fat people are lazy, over eating slobs. Some were put on medication and were sick and that's how they got that way. So don't be a prick...

Also, it's not so much HIM I'm worried about. It's this chick who is overstepping boundaries NOW. I'm not living in the past and there is a HUGE difference between some girl who is just using someone and treating them like crap, and someone who is MARRIED with kids. Not from a different relationship either. They are both HIS CHILDREN. There is a HUGE difference between our relationship and theirs. 1) They weren't exclusive: he wanted that but she didn't. 2) She used him constantly. Whether it was money or needed him to do something for her.

If their relationship was all glitter and unicorns with happy rainbows coming out of every pore, I would have left it at hi. I knew her before him, and saw what she was doing, all while she had him as a boyfriend. You would have thought she was single. I didn't know they were together at first. It's not like I immediately was all over him. I already knew his girlfriend. I was friends with a lot of his friends before I ever saw him. And I asked around if he was single. I was then told he was dating the one girl. Which surprised me because of her actions. While his girl was treating him like crap, he came to me because I was a female and he needed to get a woman's perspective. We clicked. Their relationship fell apart because his girl was acting single while she had a man who wanted more than just a casual relationship. Not because of me.

So now, anyone who is willing to be kind, like I have tried to be, until now, and offer some advice of what I could maybe do about it, would be awesome! If not, please don't speak. Your negative words are not wanted. Here I thought this was a friendly forum where people would hear me out, try to understand where I'm coming from, and maybe help me figure out what to do with where I'm at. Not be ripped on because I've been honest about my situation.

Last edited by Mamiof2; 11-04-2012 at 12:59 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-04-2012, 01:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Mamiof2 View Post
I came here to see what I could do about trying to save my marriage, and have gotten pretty much bs responses from bitter people.
Would love to know what exactly I'm suppose to be bitter about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamiof2 View Post
If I didn't have MAJOR issues with BOTH of my pregnancies and if I didn't have to go on crap that ballooned me out, I wouldn't be the size I am. Yes, I'm fat. Believe it or not, but not all fat people are lazy, over eating slobs. Some were put on medication and were sick and that's how they got that way. So don't be a prick...
I know all about obesity, having been obese myself, and coming from a family with plenty of obese people, including an aunt who died from obesity related complications. I know all the excuses, so this typical rationalization won't work on me. Besides I didn't bring up weight, YOU did, in your OP. If you didn't want weight to factor in the responses, then you shouldn't have brought it up.

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Also, it's not so much HIM I'm worried about. It's this chick who is overstepping boundaries NOW.
So if you're not worried that your husband will stray, what kind of advice are you looking for? If you trust him, then that's the end of the story. You can't do anything about what this chick chooses to do, or not do. But none of that matters one iota if you trust your man not to trip and fall into her vagina.
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Old 11-04-2012, 01:08 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Well if you're not worried about him then there shouldn't be a problem. If she's acting this way and it's not reciprocated then fine. Which leads me to believe that you ARE worried about him reciprocating

so why is that? have you lost confidence in yourself?
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:33 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is uncomfortably close with a coworker

Well, what's going on here (and I know there's a name for it, I think it's projecting) is you kinda stole the guy from someone else and now you are afraid of someone doing the same to you. If you are uncomfortable with her cooking for him and this relationship, by all means tell him you want him to end it. If he doesn't, than you decide whether or not you want to live with this in your life and if not you move on.

I know. Easier said than done. Believe me...I know.
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