General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
She let me borrow our car (!!) to take my daughter to the mall and the movies this weekend.
Brought my daughter and the car back to ex's house, and ex drove me back home. On the way, we were talking, laughing, just like the good times.
We were like good friends who sometimes flirt. She commented on her new relationship and told me how she's "not getting any sleep". TMI, babe.
Before we parted, she kissed me again! She told me she needs to get her own place and be her own woman before she become someone else's. I accepted that, because that's exactly what I finally realized I must do (thanks to everyone who responded to my "not over my stbxw" thread, you guys really opened my eyes).
At 2AM, she sent me a text asking if I was still up. This how I caught her cheating on me; late night texts. So now she's treating me like a fond male friend, I suppose.
Anyway, it's so much better when we're getting along. For me, it actually takes some of the sting out of us breaking up, knowing that at least we can still be good friends.
he was in his "as minimal contact as possible" mood w/ me again today. whatever. he should keep in mind the HUGE favor i'm doing for him by depositing his paycheck while he's on vacation so he'll have money to party w/ MY brother.
wait, what? your brother hangs out with your ex? I guess it's not his problem whatever you and your ex are going through, but I just find it a tad awkward.
yeah they're best friends. my ex was my brother's best man at his wedding. it's not as awkward as you would think. my brother flat out said the minute i don't want them being friends, tell him and he'll blow my ex off. none of us have many friends to begin w/ and it honestly doesn't bother me that they hang out together. it's actually helpful having my brother "spy". he tells me everything coz my ex tells him everything (he can't face talking to me about how he feels so we play this chain game. i know it's childish, but i'll take what i can get coz i really don't want to get divorced and he's flip flopping right now)
Update: So, two days ago, i'm talking to my ex on the phone about what we both did wrong in our marriage. No change in our status, but it was a good, honest talk. It felt good to hear her actually ADMIT something, anything.
Anyway, another 2AM text (insomniacs, both of us), a dirty joke. I respond "lol", and she decides she wants to talk a little more about our marriage. So we text each other back and forth and she texts, and I quote, "what if I came over there?" meaning, she wanted to come to my house (it's about 3:30AM now, and remember, I'm living with family for the time being, so it's not MY place). And I'm like "I think I'd like that".
So she comes, greets me with that smile of hers, she kisses me on the mouth and i let her in. We lay on the bed together, just holding each other and talking. Few kisses, little touchy-feely and at 5:15AM, she says she has to go. She hugs me and when we break, she reveals, "he hurt me. He doesn't want to be my man", and she's cyring!
OK, so my immediate reaction was she's using me as her fallback again (as dcrim warned). I mean, she never shed a SINGLE TEAR when we separated (I did all the bawling), but now she's crying over the OTHER man?!?. While holding me in her arms?? I mean, what the f**k did she expect me to say? But then I decided, she doesn't need my anger right now, so I said, "you're a wonderful woman. I'll always be here for you if ever need me. For anything".
She very passionately kisses me and leaves, sending me a follow-up text that we need to have "more tender moments like that".
Man, those couple hours just put me on cloud 9 for the remainder of the day.
But, today, she's strangely quiet. I send texts, and her responses are curt. She didn't even bother responding to my last text.
So now, I'm like WTF?! I don't want to bug her, so I'm not going to text her again today for a while, but I can't help feeling she's flipped again. It's like last time, we get close, we talk and then she runs.
I wonder if she's re-reading those texts where I told her what I thought she did wrong in the marriage. Hey, she asked!
This sucks because I have BIG plans for next weekend. We're getting our family portrait taken on Saturday, and I told her the only thing I want for Father's Day is to spend it with her (where I will surprise her with tix to her favorite performer's concert that night). I really don't want this newfound friendship to fall apart, but once again I feel like I was played like a fiddle and powerless to help the situation.
Do not ever tell her that you will always be there for her. That means she now knows her fallback is firmly in place! Being there is for friends. A marriage should already encompass that idea anyway (the "death do us part" part...IMO).
I know it felt good to hold her in your arms, but, really, she's cementing her fallback. Yes, like a fiddle.
It's your call, but I'd keep her as far as possible from you. Once she sees you're not available, she'll either find someone else, or decide to come back. Then it's your choice how that happens. DO NOT GIVE IN RIGHT AWAY!
Become friends again, date again...later you can get romantic if that's what you want.
Don't let her move back in again, either. Make her work for it (you), make her show you, unquestionably, that she wants back in your life.
ouch... i'm scared of this happening in my relationship too. I don't want to be his fallback girl either. But damn, it's so hard not to make them feel better when you have feelings for them.
Tell youself - I don't like this dance. I want to change the steps. Then be NICE, tell her bluntly, honestly and short sentences (or text messages in your case) that you love her, you want her as your woman and your wife. But you realize she needs to make up her mind. Tell her that if she realizes that she wants you, you will be there for her - at least for a little while. But that you intend to move on with your life and your heart - with her or without her. It's her choice.
If you keep a placeholder open for her in your heart, your bed and your life, there will never be any room for someone that wants you back.
we're being nice to each other 
