General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
1.I was 18 I met Girl A in 2001 never done anything with her then she cheated on me but i really wanted to lose my virginity with her
2. I met Tracy 2003 and we hit it off i lost Virginity at 20years old but we split up few times cos Tracy kept asking how you know you want me if u not slept with ne1 else so we split and i slept with Girl A
3. Tracy asked have i slept with Girl A if you have i dont want to get back with you, i already had one child with Tracy and didn't want to lose my family so i lied after that we got married 2007 and had 2 more children everything was goin fine
4. FEB 2009 we split again cos i was not paying her no attention and keptplaying computer games, i sorted myself out but found Tracy slept with a black man and got pregnant so she got an abortion (not right to raise a child u cant love)
5. We Got back together APR 2009 but Tracy kept feeling guilty and bad that she slept and got pregnant with this guy and she kept saying i haven't done ne thing so i thought ill make her feel better about the situation and make her feel less guilty so i told her about my secret lie i bin holding for 3yrs.
6. So now Tracy wants to end marriage from a stupid mistake i made all because i didn't wanna lose my family, i cudda kept it a secret and she wud never of known but i couldn't do that 2 her ne more.
Tracy really hates Girl A.... always has. Tracy kept showing off to her (showing wedding ring and kids) that she got from me and now feels like Girl A is laughing at her behind her back saying i had him behind ur back
So i gotta ask was i wrong what i did and should i try and fight for my marriage I would like to know your opinions on this please
I think you were wrong in waiting so long to tell her, you should have let her know the truth and see if she still loved you. You are here babys daddy and you are going to be involved with her for the rest of your lives. You need to be honest with her about who you are what you have done and how you feel about her if you want to have a positive relationship. It may be too late to save a marriage with Tracy if she cant get over you cheating on her and lying to her, or she may be willing to wipe the slate clean and start new tomorrow. You need to ask her to try and find a way that you can both still have a positive influence on your child, even if you cant be together. Present her with the options of starting over and finding new devotion to one another or seperating to find a relationship you can be happy with, and not have all the baggage of this one. Then you need to respect her decision, because if she chooses you and you pay her the attention you used to pay online games, it will be better than you can imagine, but if she wants to seperate then you would have never been truely happy together.
Hmm ok...well I had to sit here a few minutes before I repsonded to this one. But we're all here for honesty and assistance so pardon my bluntness on some aspects....here goes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mugsymo
1.I was 18 I met Girl A in 2001 never done anything with her then she cheated on me but i really wanted to lose my virginity with her
2. I met Tracy 2003 and we hit it off i lost Virginity at 20years old but we split up few times cos Tracy kept asking how you know you want me if u not slept with ne1 else so we split and i slept with Girl A
Sounds like Tracy set herself up for this one. Don't question if someone wants you, if they didn't why would they be there??? Who cares if you've never been w/someone else sometimes it's better that way. First of all you wouldn't know what you're missing and second of all she could have "taught" you to do all the things she likes and how to do them
3. Tracy asked have i slept with Girl A if you have i dont want to get back with you, i already had one child with Tracy and didn't want to lose my family so i lied after that we got married 2007 and had 2 more children everything was goin fine
Karma is a b*tch, you shouldn't have lied to her. You guys were split up, she ENCOURAGED you to sleep with OTHER people, she doesn't get to chose whom those people are. Her mistake was TELLING you to do it she should have just paid attention to the fact that you were with her not someone else. If she was going to end up being jealous she could have prevented that from the get go...IMO
4. FEB 2009 we split again cos i was not paying her no attention and keptplaying computer games, i sorted myself out but found Tracy slept with a black man and got pregnant so she got an abortion (not right to raise a child u cant love)
Hmm trying to broach this subject w/o letting my personal opinions get the best of me. Well just remember they are just that "my opinions". That being said black, white, blue, or purple the thing that disturbs me here is there are many a people out there loving kids whom were "accidents", results of affairs, etc. There are also people out there whom would give their right eye to be able to birth their own child or people busting their a$$es to be able to be to adopt a child because they can't have their own. That being said I'm disturbed that this child was aborted because it couldn't be "loved" if you can't love it then let someone whom can love it do so. Sorry I'm a strict NON BELIEVER when it comes to abortion being used as birth control. Take a pill, use spermicide, wear three condoms, or just keep your d*mn legs closed.
5. We Got back together APR 2009 but Tracy kept feeling guilty and bad that she slept and got pregnant with this guy and she kept saying i haven't done ne thing so i thought ill make her feel better about the situation and make her feel less guilty so i told her about my secret lie i bin holding for 3yrs.
6. So now Tracy wants to end marriage from a stupid mistake i made all because i didn't wanna lose my family, i cudda kept it a secret and she wud never of known but i couldn't do that 2 her ne more.
Did Tracy forget that she too slept with someone else??? Difference is she encouraged you BEFORE you guys got married to sew your oats...SHE on the other hands slept with someone else during a separation WHILE you guys were married. Tracy really has no ground to stand on here IMO, no room to really hold anything against you. If your going tit for tat you guys were broken up unmarried at the time. At the time of her "situation" she was separated yet still married. The only thing she really has to be mad about here is the fact that she asked you and you lied and if she wants to be mad that you lied so be it but can't hold the "act" against you.
Tracy really hates Girl A.... always has. Tracy kept showing off to her (showing wedding ring and kids) that she got from me and now feels like Girl A is laughing at her behind her back saying i had him behind ur back
How nice of Tracy to rub the fact that she's the one that wound up w/you in Girl A's face. How mature. Sounds to me like Tracy needs to step back and just be thankful she gets to be with the one she loves and not throw it in someone else's face.
So i gotta ask was i wrong what i did and should i try and fight for my marriage I would like to know your opinions on this please
Honestly if it's wanted by two people and BOTH of those people put forth the effort it CAN be done. But BOTH must forgive and being willing to move forward. Ask her if you guys can sit down and have a mature conversation and get everything out on the table.
I wish you both the best of luck. Humble yourselves and put your best foot forward. I'm all about saving a marriage that can be saved as opposed to dissolving it. Keep posting you'll get a lot of good advice wisdom and experience here. Our rights our wrongs our successes and our failures. Welcome aboard
YES you were WRONG to lie.
Tracy built her LIFE around YOU and it was a LIE.
Now, what do you want to do about it?
I'd suggest it have something to do with doing the RIGHT thing by THREE small children...this time.
And by "right" I mean try your hardest to patch this mess up with their MOTHER and if that does not work PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT and STAY INVOLVED with these poor kids.
4. FEB 2009 we split again cos i was not paying her no attention and keptplaying computer games, i sorted myself out but found Tracy slept with a black man and got pregnant so she got an abortion (not right to raise a child u cant love)
what's the color of the man's skin who ****ed your girlfriend have to do with your dilemma.
Hmm trying to broach this subject w/o letting my personal opinions get the best of me. Well just remember they are just that "my opinions". That being said black, white, blue, or purple the thing that disturbs me here is there are many a people out there loving kids whom were "accidents", results of affairs, etc. There are also people out there whom would give their right eye to be able to birth their own child or people busting their a$$es to be able to be to adopt a child because they can't have their own. That being said I'm disturbed that this child was aborted because it couldn't be "loved" if you can't love it then let someone whom can love it do so. Sorry I'm a strict NON BELIEVER when it comes to abortion being used as birth control. Take a pill, use spermicide, wear three condoms, or just keep your d*mn legs closed.
Tracy was totally against abortion always has been and we was going to have the baby i said cos i love her so much ill raise and look after the baby as my own. But she was starting to hate herself and the baby so she stopped eating and weren't looking after herself. She still has bad depression from our first child and she goes to councilling so seeing how she was feeling i supported her decision.
Quote:
Originally Posted by recent_cloud
what's the color of the man's skin who ****ed your girlfriend have to do with your dilemma.
It doesn't she has a problem of what other people think and dont like people staring and judging her and was worried bout that if baby was black
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55
YES you were WRONG to lie.
Tracy built her LIFE around YOU and it was a LIE.
Now, what do you want to do about it?
I'd suggest it have something to do with doing the RIGHT thing by THREE small children...this time.
And by "right" I mean try your hardest to patch this mess up with their MOTHER and if that does not work PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT and STAY INVOLVED with these poor kids.
I do quite a lot for my children they love me to pieces and i love them too, but she only wants me round weekends cos she dont wanna look at me, funny thing is she let me come round last night and we talked civil.
I want my family back but i dont want to invade her space, so going to keep myself to myself til the time is right. If she truly loves me we will get back together i just feel glad that everything is out in the open and im sure she will be glad too
Most my mates were saying she was wrong and that i should never of told her but i did anyway thats gotta show courage knowing i could lose the one i love. Thankyou so much everyone for all your advice it has helped a lot as i needed other peoples perspective on this matter
See if Tracy will get some couseling...depression coupled w/the fact that she's against abortion yet had one, on top of the fact that she's worried about what people think about her so much that it drove her to do so are some seriously damaging events. Try and help her before this eats her.
But she acts fine it took me a while to crack that shell of hers to really get deep into her emotions thats another reason why i never told her. I feel she needs myhelp but how can i if she dont want it and pushes me away
This story is disturbing on multiple fronts, but the bottom line is your children (the ones that you CAN love).
Be a father. Do the weekend thing if that's all you're allowed, and never talk down about their mother around them. I know you still love her, but she hurt you, and you'd be surprised what your kids actually pick up from your conversation or under the breath comments.
When Tracy sees you're making the kids a priority, and getting yourself together, she may want you back.
This doesn't sound like a relationship that can't be saved. But right now, she needs to deal with her vanity, jealousy and depression. Does she even recognize she has a problem?
This story is disturbing on multiple fronts, but the bottom line is your children (the ones that you CAN love).
Be a father. Do the weekend thing if that's all you're allowed, and never talk down about their mother around them. I know you still love her, but she hurt you, and you'd be surprised what your kids actually pick up from your conversation or under the breath comments.
When Tracy sees you're making the kids a priority, and getting yourself together, she may want you back.
This doesn't sound like a relationship that can't be saved. But right now, she needs to deal with her vanity, jealousy and depression. Does she even recognize she has a problem?
yes i am positive round the kids and when they ask where have i been i say "ive been at work", oldest is 4 Tracy dont wanna tell them just yet.
She does recognise she has a problem but she dont always go councilling because they drag up the past and she left to deal with it until her next appointment (she had no childhood in and out of hospital)
Tracy needs to realize that her thoughts on 'you need to sleep with someone else' was a bad idea. It resulted in you sleeping with the one person she didn't want you to and it didn't stop her from cheating on you.
The big issue here is within Tracy. Running away from feeling stupid around Girl A won't solve anything. She will take that with her whether she is with you or not. She needs to get to a point where she can let go of the mistakes of the past (her cheating, your lying) in order to be happy with herself going forward whether it's together or not....and together would be much better for your kids.
I would encourage her to restart counselling, self-help books or something along the lines of learning how to be less self critical and not worry so much about how others view her.
1. She told you to sleep with someone else...what kind of stupid woman does that?
2. You slept with someone else, then she probably knew who you did because she explicitly asked about that woman and made an ultimatum setting you up to either lie and be with her, or tell the truth and lose her. She's crazy.
3. You lied, that's bad. You should have just told the truth and if she couldn't deal with it then you would still be better off than you are right now.
4. Abortion for birth control is about the sickest thing on the planet in my mind. Adoption, adoption, adoption. However, that's done and over with and water under the bridge at this point.
5. She cheated on you, you never cheated on her (she broke up with you and told you to sleep with someone else), but you did lie to her about who you slept with...and somehow YOU are the one "more" in the wrong? Man, she's crazy.
She needs some major counseling, just my opinion, but she's off her rocker.
errmmm help messed up 
