Husband is verbally abusive - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 03:17 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Husband is verbally abusive

I have been married for almost 3 1/2 years. . My husband loves his beer. He probably spends over a hundred dollars a month on it.My husband had I have not had sex for over three years.
It only happened once after we were married. We didn't even have sex on our wedding day because he drank too much beer and champange. He became nasty and said I looked like a ****. I asked what does that mean? He said I don't know, you just look like someone who could be one. That ruined my first wedding anniversary. My husband had sexual problems before we were married. It only happened once or twice a month but that didn't bother me much. Sex is a healthy thing between two married people but can be overdone then your stuck trying to find ways to make it better. Well I never got to that point. He said the problem was he had problems getting aroused. He said it's not like when he was younger and would get turned on for
no reason. He said he would work on it and even tried taking ed pills. They did nothing. I then a put on some weight. I knew it and got ready to work on it. Then I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I had my thyroid removed, was on no medication for two months while I prepared for radioactive iodine and body scans with special low iodine diet. Then after that was done it took year to find the correct dose of synthroid to put me on. In that year I slept a lot. I didn't eat much but with no meatabolism I gained weight fast. Most of my weightgain was during that year. I went from 145 to 185. I have a curvy figure so when losing weight I will never look skinny skinny. However, I worked on it and lost 30 pounds. I lost half the weight and my husband said I was looking better but another 15 or 20 pounds will be better. How messedup is that? He gained 30 pounds in one year after we quit smoking. He hasn't lost a pound but calls me fat.When I moved here he knew I has bad migraines. I get 3-4 a week. It is to put where I can't work and it can cause me to fall behind in my college courses. I manage to catch up with them though. My husband had a good job and my small disabilty payment was fine. He didn't make me pay rent or bills. After he got fired he asked for help with bills. I paid him. Then he went on unemployment and exhausted that. He has back problems from shrinking discs in his back.He ended up going on disability.After he went on disability he asked me to start paying rent and bills. I enough money in the back for awhile but that went fast. I started to look for at least part-time work even though I probably end up fired for my headaches. I have not been successful. Mcdonalds isn't even hiring where I live. All the temp agencys are hiring people for warehouse jobs that must be able to operate a forklift and lift fifty pounds. Fifty pounds is heavy for me but I could do it. However, I don't know the first thing about operating a forklift. My husband went to apply for one job once but you were requied to bring a diploma or GED with you. He didn't have his with him so he came home and didn't go back because he didn't feel like it. He has asked the landlord about paying him to fix and paint things around the apartment. The landlord said yes but hasn't asked him to do a thing to get paid. He claims all our problems are my fault. I get 389 dollars a month and he gets 1200 dollars a month. My half of the bills are 600 dollars a mont. I have to ask for money from my mother just to meet my half. I have also resorted to dropping courses at school and using my refund to pay my share so I don't get yelled at. I get called ***** a lot. Often I am asked what the **** is wrong me? I get told to get out the marraige is over and to go home to my mother. My mother lives over 300 miles away. If I had to leave I can't afford to. Last week my husband and got into an argument. We argue a lot. He starts the argument by fiding something to put down with and badger me with questions. I don't even remember what the fight was about. However, he resorted to saying **** you. I don't swear and sounds ridiculous if I do. I knew I should have kept quiet but when I do he gets in my face and says what y
ou don't got a mouth now?So I said I don't want to argue so I'm not saying anything. He says **** you again and said really when?He said to me never. He said it will never happen again because he has no desire whatsoever and I can think about why that is. I clean, take care of the cats, exercise, do my homework, keep looking for a job, etc. He still gets mad. I forgot to mention I don't cook. I have cooked a few times but he is the primary cooker. He sits on the computer for hours a day. During the year my doctors were trying to get me on the right dose for my thyroid my sleep schedule has reversed. I am up all night and sleep in the morning and get up in the late evening. I went to the doctor and they said I need to try to stay awake during the day but not deprive myself of sleep. I was also prescribed full dose sleeping pills that I was supposed to take everyday for seven days to help me get on schedule. They made me drowsy but that's it. They didn't help me sleep at all. I think my stress level is so high the only thing that w
ill knock me out is general antheshia. The only thing I don't do is cook. My husband complained it was my weight and I lost weight. Then he came up with a different excuse of I don't work and i've tried to find a job. But he doesn't work either. He says I need to get on his sleep schedule becuase he feels like he is sleeping alone. He calls me *****, ****, idiot, stupid, overweight but used to be fat, I have no common sense, and I'm a prude, I'm also ****ed up. He acknoledges that he is not
perfect but there is nothing wrong with him. Sometimes at night I just cry cause I don't know what to do. Evertime I do something that he asks he finds something else wrong I do. He has also said he no longer cares about my migraines, detal problems, and getting sick. I don't have dental so there is alot wrong. He said I have had morw than enough time to get ona sleep schedule and get a job. I am not allowed to use my migraines, thyroid, sleep problems, school, or not luck finding a job anymore. He often get into big fights with his half-brother. His hald brother is chronic liar, a porn addict, alcoholic, pot head, laughs like a 3 year old, and thinks he's a big bad biker. Up until the last year I dealt with their fighting and when they didn't talk we didn't argue about him. My husband said he was happy not talking to him but then he starts talking to him again. I done dealing with his brother. I have always been nice to his face but I don't like him as a person. I told my husband that. My husband said I have no position to say I don't want to be around him because he never did anything to me. He never did anything to me personally but it bothers me that he lies, calls my husband a drunk but when they hang out he gets him drunk and high with pot.He send him porn text messages and emails frequently. My husband has showed me. He used to send him gay porn with men until he said something about him. Howevr, he has no problem with porn that has one or more women involved. He is paranoid that I check his internet history. i don't check his history. I barely use his computer. I have my own computer. He also makes sur his cellphone is never out of his sight. he will sometimes go to bed and forget to bring something to drink with him but he makes sure he grabs his phone and shoes it in his pocket. He make sure to only charge his phone during the day when I'm sleeping. I don't touch his phone. He said to me a couple of weeks ago he doesn't trust me. I asked why and he said because sometimes at night I get the trash or recycling bin after its been picked up. Also sometimes I run something across the street to the mailbox. Those are his reasons. He also says i'm sneaky but he doesn't know how. He is actaually went ahead and created a separate profile on his computer just for porn and only he knows the password. He has told ne he likes watching blow jobs and anything with asian women. Well I can't be asian but I'm sure I can do something about the other thing. But he said he doesn't want them. I said to him you don't want sex or blow jobs or anything from me but loves watching other men get them and not only complains about me but complains about all women. It has gotten to the point to whre i said you could be gay. He blew up called me a **** and told me to get out his life and his apartment. I pretty much gave up on makeup, contacts, and looking nice. I still exercise and wear some makeup. I get my hair cut and color it myself. He doesn't exercise, ever try to look nice, and doesn't care about his hair. He only concerned with trying to get a ponytail. He look like he's pregnant but I never once called him fat and have said I would love him no matter what he looks like. He used to say that to me. I get a kiss, hug, and good morining when he wakes up. When gos to bed he says I love you, gives a kiss, and gives a hug. That is it. That is our only contact. When I 'm really upset with him I avoid him in the morning and night. When he's really upset with me he blows me off at night and then acts like everything is wrong. I think he is bi-polar and gay. He talks to him self all the time when he thinks I'm not around. Often when I ask what were you talking about he said I don't know. He was just talking to himslef three seconds before I asked and he already forget. That is crap. I have no idea what to do. I can't find a job, he won't change, I feel alone, I m sick of being broke and being the only who has to do something to get more money. He says he can support himself and can't. If I wasn't here he'd have to get a roomate. He said if I can't afford to live then I need to leave so he can get a roomate. He actaully said that nicely like it wasn't hurtful. We live in one bedroom apartment. Does he expect someone to pay 600 dollars a month to sleep on the couch? I have no idea what to do. Can't afford to leave, stay, and he won't change. He insists I need to change.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

Those words that have all starts are b****, c***, a******, wh***.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 04:05 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

I didn't get past the drinking. He is an alcoholic and that comes with a whole bucketful of character traits that are going to get worse as his drinking progresses. Of course everything is your fault and you are the one that needs to change, that is stereotypical of an alcoholic and you aren't going to change his mind on that. My suggestion is to get yourself to al anon, quickly. Learning to set boundaries with this man is going to save your own sanity.


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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 06:33 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

Originally Posted by unhappylady1234 View Post
Can't afford to leave, stay, and he won't change. He insists I need to change.
He changes or you leave. And you have to leave before he will change. There's no other way.

Show of hands gals: How many feel a man like this will never change? Will always be abusive? Hmmm...almost unanimous.

The good news is they are wrong. I was a verbally abusive husband. Not to the extent of the prize you married, but bad enough that my wife checked out of the marriage. When my current mid-life crisis hit and I tried to fix the "rut" I thought we were in, i dragged it out of her that she left because of my abuse.

I changed IMMEDIATELY! My marriage was over, and it was because of me?

Give him a list of boundaries. WHEN he crosses one of those boundaries, (I give it a day. He knows what he's doing. He knows he's wrong. But there have never been any consequences) you pick up the bag you have packed and leave. Go dark. He'll freak.

Only then do you decide if you're able to go back. He's probably to far gone to change. YOU may be too far gone. But the only way you have a chance is to scare the crap out of him.

Sorry, you have to leave to save your marriage.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 07:54 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

You're not gonna like my advice.

Instead of asking your mother to help you pay your part of the $600 a month... Ask her to buy you a one way ticket home. It'll be cheaper for her. And better for you in the long run.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 08:30 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

I like Chelle's suggestion and I'll offer another one. Please get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible. You're not the only person who loves an alcoholic who hurts them, and they will share their experience, strength, and hope to help you find peace of mind while all this is going on. It's free and will open some doors for you.

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 11:17 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

I have a BIL (brother in law) who's an alcoholic. Almost 10 years ago, he lost everything (wife, kids, great job, home, etc., etc.) because of it. Has not had a real job since and is homeless. He still to this day, blames his exW and everyone else in his life for his predicament. Not saying they can't change but unless they're first willing to admit they have a problem to begin with; there's no helping them. All you can do is help yourself.

I do agree with the others, Al-anon would be a great place for you to start.

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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-14-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

He does not seem nice and appears angry. Some type of counseling would seem needed. Assuming you are giving him these long-winded discussions like your post, I can understand a little of his anger. You may decide this simply is not working between the two of you.

If you are going to try to work things out, I would try to compliment him, read some books on communication and try to be constructive. Otherwise, he seems to have some sexual disfunction and difficulty relating to women in a normal way. He seems to like the control and objectification associated with pornography because he has diffiuculty relating both physically and emotionally to a real woman.

In terms of sex, I would consider talking to him gently because he appears to be a depressed, insecure, and angry man. Ignore many comments which may be defensive. Tell him you are here for him and the two will try to become a couple and any problems are normal and can be addressed. There is probably a long and problematic road to recovery and substantial changes are at best uncertain.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-14-2012, 10:18 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

Leave this jerk.

Why do you stay?

This isn't a marriage. This is torture. He won't change. You've already seen who he is for the past 3.5 years (or longer). Find out why you keep staying.

You CAN find a job if you want to. You actually have to do something about it though.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-16-2012, 12:36 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

Originally Posted by unhappylady1234 View Post
Those words that have all starts are b****, c***, a******, wh***.
This is really sad. Setup boundaries with him to protect yourself from these kind of heartbreaking words. I think he really needs professional help to cure his chronic alcoholism and first of all he got to admit his problem.

I think standing in your own leg and financial independence will be of strength to you.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-16-2012, 01:30 AM
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Re: Husband is verbally abusive

You have not had sex in three years, he is addicted to porn and alcohol, he swears, berates and, puts you down all the time.

Why are you still with him?

You would do very well to move back in with your mother and get your life back on track.

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