Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

I keep telling my husband that I need an emotional connection to want to have sex with him, but it wasn't until I was sitting with girlfriends that I realized that I have no idea what I mean by that!!!

I know this is something that women want from their man in order for a better connection for sex, but what is it exactly that we want?

If I can't answer this question to myself, how the heck am I supposed to explain it to him!!??

Input anyone?
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

I like the question because I also always say I want that too. Sometimes I think it means I feel as we are on the same page about stuff instead of fighting against what the other person wants. Sometimes I really think it means I want to control how close we get or at least have some input in the process as opposed to just responding to his approach. I will think about this some more and maybe have a better handle on it later.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Wow, good question. I know what it means in my mind, but putting it in words is a toughie.

My ex-husband would come to bed after hanging out with his buddies and having nothing to do with me all day and evening, start groping for me and want to have sex. That is no emotional connection.

I agree with the other poster, feeling like you're on the same page. I like to feel like my hubby is "into me", and I'm "into him". It can be a great coversation, a look, a hug, a touch. I want to feel like we're both there for the experience. I don't mean it has to be like romance movie stuff, variety is wonderful.

My ex made me feel like he was just using me for the "act". To me, there is an enormous difference.
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Someone once told me that “Men use sexual activity to build a better emotional connection while women use an emotional connection to build a better sex life.” Granted it is a blanket statement and doesn’t directly address the OP’s question but I thought of it as I read the post.
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

ok i wil put it this way for me . i could sleep with a man i have chemistry with. i could not sleep with someone that i dont have this chemistry with. so i mean i couldnt go to bed with someone i dont like. to me it is the entwining of two bodies and souls that connect for those moments at that time.
i could stil like someone, but not sleep with them, because the desire or the emotional desire isnt there to have that sexual intimacy with.
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Old 06-11-2009, 03:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

This is something I have struggled to understand since as far back as I began thinking about sex. I can most definitely have sex with a woman I despise, provided I find her physically attractive. Of course, if I dislike her, it's unlikely she and I would get together to begin with. But it has occasionally happened. Afterwards, of course, I didn't request a repeat performance. One time a woman that I disliked did; I turned her down. I have never been so satisfied with myself in all my life. Not that I had the self-control to turn her down, but rather I was satisfied because of the look on her face. Many women use sex as a form of control over men; her realization that I wasn't falling for it was golden.

Am I a self-centered horse's behind? To a degree, yes. But I'm honest and up-front with women: I don't hide my intentions or promise anything more than I am willing to give. If they think they can change me and are later disabused of this mistaken notion, it's not my fault that their hopes overshadowed the truth of the situation.

I am married now, and that has its own set of difficulties. I have no problem having sex with my wife (when I can persuade her to) if I'm angry with her. On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women. The idea reminds me of my mother's constant use of the phrase "cutting your nose off to spite your face." An annoying turn of phrase in my childhood that I think speaks well to this topic.

And speaking of sex as "the joining of souls?" I don't know about anyone else, but I have never felt my soul entwine with a woman; just some other parts. And no offense intended with that remark, Justean. I dearly enjoy reading your posts; I simply don't comprehend the spiritualization of what is a simple physical act.
Animals do it without all this bloody poetry, but the thrice-damned "sentience" of humans mucks the matter up endlessly. There's something to be said for just letting go and enjoying what happens, I think.
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Old 06-11-2009, 03:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
If he is faithful and trustworthy,
If he can make me laugh,
He smells good and is clean,
Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not jerks),
Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "b@@bs" and "p+ssy".
Knows where my nerve endings are
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
If he is faithful and trustworthy,
If he can make me laugh,
He smells good and is clean,
Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not jerks),
Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "b@@bs" and "p+ssy".
Knows where my nerve endings are
Can we please send this around as a memo? We are goal oriented, and having a neat list like this is bound to get more of us laid. It's win/win

Perhaps we could reword the second to last item? I for one generally like to verify the equipment before going under the hood as it were.
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

i think for me the connection i want to feel from my husband is when we have sex, i want him to be thinking of the moment we are in then, (not the worries that he has going on in his mind everyday), just enjoying the moment of pleasure with both of us.
I don't know if all that babble makes any sense, my words dont always portray what im actually trying to say...
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Being married is supposed to imply that we are emotionally connected. Granted, we both have our moods, and if our lustful mood isn't in sync with the other, then the sex won't occur or it will feel unfulfilling. It would be nice if I can trust, desire or love my husband all the time, but if I did, I won't be complaining online so much.
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

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Originally Posted by hubbys baby View Post
i think for me the connection i want to feel from my husband is when we have sex, i want him to be thinking of the moment we are in then, (not the worries that he has going on in his mind everyday), just enjoying the moment of pleasure with both of us.
I don't know if all that babble makes any sense, my words dont always portray what im actually trying to say...

An interesting point of view, coming from a woman. It's been my experience that it's women who often have trouble "getting out of their heads and into bed" as I once heard it put on TV. Some men (driven, career and promotion oriented sorts who think of nothing else) can, I suppose, become lost in the constant gaming of their standing in their place of work.

Rest assured, hubbysbaby, that the vast majority of men are thinking of nothing else when they're having sex. Indeed, some of them (and I include myself in this lot), are thinking of nothing at all.
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. R View Post
I am married now, and that has its own set of difficulties. I have no problem having sex with my wife (when I can persuade her to) if I'm angry with her. On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women.
Yes. This is one of the major differences between male and female sexuality. I don't know if it can ever be understood - it just has to be accepted.

Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.

Occasionally, my wife will say, I've had a crap day, let have sex - but it's not the norm for her. However, I have got better at convincing her that sex will make her feel better
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
If he is faithful and trustworthy,
If he can make me laugh,
He smells good and is clean,
Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not jerks),
Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "b@@bs" and "p+ssy".
Knows where my nerve endings are
What's wrong with "b@@bs" and "p+ssy"?

And I wish that women wouldn't think I was nothing but a "d+ck". At least that's what it seems like they think, as that is a seemingly common nickname for me.

But seriously, folks simply need to not worry about what the other person (or other people; please God ) is thinking while they're having sex. Just concentrate on making sure you get what you want. I advocate this approach for men AND women, by the way. A woman who aggresively pursues her sexual preferences in bed is a whole other level of attractive!
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Can we please send this around as a memo? We are goal oriented, and having a neat list like this is bound to get more of us laid. It's win/win

Perhaps we could reword the second to last item? I for one generally like to verify the equipment before going under the hood as it were.
Uh, don't mean to rain on your parade Deejo, but any man who says he wants to "check under my hood and verify my equipment" before having the pleasure of my company is classified as a "jerk" in my intimacy manual.

But I will give you the benefit of the doubt and consider you were just trying to be "cute" .

Engage brain before typing.....
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Old 06-11-2009, 04:52 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?

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Originally Posted by MarkTwain View Post
Yes. This is one of the major differences between male and female sexuality. I don't know if it can ever be understood - it just has to be accepted.

Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.

Occasionally, my wife will say, I've had a crap day, let have sex - but it's not the norm for her. However, I have got better at convincing her that sex will make her feel better
I wish I had a clue how to convince my wife of the same thing. Bravo, sir.

And hello, as well. I believe this is the first of my (admittedly few) posts that you've replyed to. I have been lurking for quite awhile before I joined and I always enjoy reading what you think, even if I don't entirely understand or agree sometimes.

And before I forget, I did know one fellow some time ago who absolutely could not be bothered with sex if he had anything at all on his mind with his job or his elderly parents who he looked after. He would often date women for months and they were always the ones to end it. He would tell me they didn't understand the stresses he was under and were possesive of his time.

I had the opportunity to speak with one of his ex-girlfriends not long ago, and the conversation drifted to the topic of their breakup (her decision, as usual). A wonderful and d*mned beautiful lady, she said that even when he had time off, he would pore over reports, papers, and so forth. When she would suggest some sex to help him decompress, she said he looked at her as if she'd suggested something beyond all reason. He rarely made time for them and would only participate in fun and leisure (including sex) if he'd just reached some goal at work or was on vacation, which of course he didn't take as often as he could. She told me that she thought he looked at life "as a battle that ends only with death." So there are some fellows who will not allow themselves fun of any sort, perhaps out of some sense that if they take even one minute away from their concerns, they will fail and be destroyed, so to speak.
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