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Old 11-16-2012, 10:41 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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Bad advice. His wife needs to understand emotional affairs. She needs to understand that she's playing Russian Roulette with her marriage. She needs to understand that her husband doesn't want to be in a marriage where she's sharing her intimate thoughts and most of her day with another man. She needs to understand that she's addicted. She needs to read, "Not Just Friends."

Those of us who've been around here for awhile and have experience with EAs or have read about them see this situation being very typical. We also know that there's a very good chance it doesn't turn out well if a soft approach is taken. If there's one thing that's true, it's that all of these stories follow the same script.
This is good advice...my husband had no idea what an emotional affair was...and he'd actually HAD one (while married to his first wife). It was during our difficulties with his 'friend' that he told me that he'd ALWAYS had opposite sex friends...and about this woman who used to mind his children...how they'd become very close friends. But that it was OK because there was no sex! He didn't understand why his wife at the time was upset/didn't like it. True to form, a year later, I found out that he and his EA partner 'kissed once'. Probably affair-speak for 'we had sex', even though he denies...Nothing I can do, and it was before I ever met him...but I certainly CAN (try to) prevent such a thing from happening again, by educating my husband (and myself) about the damages of emotional affairs. Ya. They always start of as being 'just friends'. And it makes me sick.
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Old 11-16-2012, 10:44 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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I am going through a divorce right now...but the reason for that is because my husband cheated on me. I have a couple of male best friends...and I have for a long time...Nothing ever came of anything...I'm sorry but I don't agree with the opposite sex friends should be off the table...
That's great that 'nothing ever came of anything.' But if you don't have close opposite sex friends then 'nothing will ever come of anything' also. Unfortunately it's way too common that 'something DOES come of something' when married people have close friends of the opposite sex. Not a risk I'd like to take.
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Old 11-16-2012, 10:48 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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I am going through a divorce right now...but the reason for that is because my husband cheated on me. I have a couple of male best friends...and I have for a long time...Nothing ever came of anything...I'm sorry but I don't agree with the opposite sex friends should be off the table...
Read the book I suggested. It will open your eyes to the pitfalls of opposite sex friends, especially 'best' friends. You're running with scissors doing that while you're in a relationship.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:12 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

just depends on a bunch of variables. If you feel the need to start hiding the conversations and connections, not a good sign. My wife has always had some male friends...but then they started getting too close...as is the risk when you play with fire. Then she was texting new male friends, then she bought a gophone and is having an EA....now we are divorcing. I would suppose it has alot to do with the strength of the marriage and your REAL goal of talking to friends. In any event, you have to be open and forthright if you are to have this kind of marriage.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:14 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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This is good advice...my husband had no idea what an emotional affair was...and he'd actually HAD one (while married to his first wife). It was during our difficulties with his 'friend' that he told me that he'd ALWAYS had opposite sex friends...and about this woman who used to mind his children...how they'd become very close friends. But that it was OK because there was no sex! He didn't understand why his wife at the time was upset/didn't like it. True to form, a year later, I found out that he and his EA partner 'kissed once'. Probably affair-speak for 'we had sex', even though he denies...Nothing I can do, and it was before I ever met him...but I certainly CAN (try to) prevent such a thing from happening again, by educating my husband (and myself) about the damages of emotional affairs. Ya. They always start of as being 'just friends'. And it makes me sick.
My once happy marriage will end because of just this! An EA and "just friends".
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:33 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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Close opposite sex friendships eventually become full-fledged affairs ALL THE TIME. And it happens to so many folks who would never, in a thousand years, believe they would ever cheat. I'd rather get the "controlling" charge thrown at me than allow my wife to have a close male friend.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:34 AM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

From how he's described his wife, seems pretty clear she'd know exactly what she did and why it was wrong. Reading for himself is one thing, but I don't think that trying to educate her is the best strategy. No one wants to feel like a statistic or a typical case of some phenomenon, and it's likely to come across as "Look at all these professionals who disagree with you".
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:37 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

Why not? Many people have no idea what an EA even is. It was only on here that I found out.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:39 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

This story sounds ALOT like mine. Once she starts getting angry about "being controlled" and "not being able to have friends" is a warning sign. As we have stated, it is a slippery slope. If the friendships were on the up and up, she would be willing to be more open about them, not get angry and maybe even reduce them to a more comfortable level for both. The cheater seems to always put the blame back on the accuser with "your just jealous"..i heard this for two years....and i was never jealous..but when your gut tells you something, listen.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:41 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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Why not? Many people have no idea what an EA even is. It was only on here that I found out.
Me too! I thought and EA was just a close friendship. My wife pushed me away "needing space" because of an EA. I dont think SHE thinks its a big deal even yet....

But i agree...my STBXW would not listen to "people on a marriage blog".
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:43 AM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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Alright... My next question is, do I tell my wife about this post? Is that a terrible idea? Like I said, I am being honest with her and not bottling up anything any longer.
She is nowhere NEAR ready to see this stuff. You will know when she's ready. Right now, your only job is vigilance. Stay honest, but your job is monitoring. For HER sake. Just as with any addict - you have to drug test her to ensure she doesn't fall off the wagon. She is in a DEEP affair fog and it's going to take a long time before she stops thinking about him 24/7 - or caring about you. Understand that she has to go through withdrawal to be able to care about you again. Right now she's going through the motions, out of fear of losing the marriage. Stay strong, monitor, and call her out whenever she contacts him. Immediately. Don't let it flare back up.

By now, you should have passwords to all her electronics. She should have written a No Contact letter that you approve, that you both send to him (we can help with that) - it's a psychological break, necessary. Did she do that after the second time? She should be going to MC with you without arguing. You should both be reading Not Just Friends and His Needs Her Needs.

You can show her this stuff later.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:47 AM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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But what about printing out the original post for her to read? We both know what happened. True. Til this point it has been impossible for me to convey all of this information to her at one time.
That's what the marriage counselor is for.

You DO have an appointment, right?
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:48 AM   #88 (permalink)
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From how he's described his wife, seems pretty clear she'd know exactly what she did and why it was wrong. Reading for himself is one thing, but I don't think that trying to educate her is the best strategy. No one wants to feel like a statistic or a typical case of some phenomenon, and it's likely to come across as "Look at all these professionals who disagree with you".
Read a book and do some research is the FIRST thing that she tells me to do when we have conflict. I rarely do. She gets pi$$ed because she feels that I make decisions without educating myself on the topic. The problem with that is, if you show me a book about one viewpoint, I can find one that opposes it. Hell, I could find a website that points out the benefits of smoking for you if you want. I am a gut instinct and life experience kind of guy. I have no experience and a very confused gut instinct on this one. I will have to read.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:51 AM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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To clarify the reason I suggested stepping back: If she's denying she did anything wrong, it's probably because she feels backed into a corner and like she isn't being heard. Not because she really believes she did nothing wrong. In my opinion, there's no choice but to respect her space and trust her now, if you want to rebuild.
That doesn't work if she IS STILL CONTACTING OM. She won't just up and wake up one day and say 'oh, you've been hitting on me! How dreadful! I love my husband! You cad!'

The PEA chemicals have already convinced her that OM is magical, wonderful, giving, charismatic, everything her husband isn't.

His first job is to save the marriage by removing OM. THEN they can work on the issues. But until OM is gone, SHE WON'T WANT TO WORK ON THE ISSUES because all her energy is going to OM. (if they are still contacting)

I've lost track of all the WSs who have 'said' they gave up OM/OW and went to counseling with spouse and faked their way through the whole thing, all the while continuing the affair.
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:53 AM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife has a close male Facebook friend. Are my feelings of "jealousy" justified

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I am going through a divorce right now...but the reason for that is because my husband cheated on me. I have a couple of male best friends...and I have for a long time...Nothing ever came of anything...I'm sorry but I don't agree with the opposite sex friends should be off the table...
How close were you to these males? How many hours/minutes each day did you give them? If it was negligible, then I'd agree.

If it was more than 30 minutes a day, I would posit that it MAY have contributed to your divorce. Not saying it did, but NO marriage should have another person taking away that time and energy that should have gone to the spouse.
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