General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi, Im new to this site and I am looking for some help and advice and didn't know where else to go.
So here is my story, me and my husband have been married for 5 yrs almost, are marraige was going awesome until I got pregnant with our 1st and only child together. During the pregnancy he made a deal with me. He said if I do not get back to my original weight one year after he would leave me. My original weight is 105 before my pregnancy. So I had the baby everything was great, I was going to the gym staying active. After the pregnancy my weight went to 128. My body changed only a little. But I was really putting in the effort to get back to my 105 weight. I started dancing again like I did in high school. Running in the mornings, and also going on a really strict diet.
Well to make this long story short the year mark came and I weighed 112. He really packed up his bags and left.. And I dont know what to do. He has been gone for 1 week now, and I really don't think he is coming back. I am an emotional wreck. He was everything to me, besides him doing this, he really was a sweet and caring loving guy. He would do all those little things for me.
Please give me advice... I dont know what to do...
He's shallow...my wife isn't anywhere close to your weight but she's fine...as I'm sure you are too...some guys can't see the truth for their own selfishness.
Don't let him tear you down about something so insignificant...
There are so many things wrong here, I don't know where to start. First, is 105 even a healthy weight for you? If you are at or over 5 feet tall, the chances are it is NOT. There are great tools on the web for finding out a healthy weight. Many, many women try to maintain a weight that is too low for their body and their health suffers--slowly but surely. You need to learn more about disordred eating, etc., and make sure you have a good idea of what is healthy for YOU.
Equally important, you have picked a man who shares your obsession with the way you look, and this is a very weak basis for a healthy, long-term relationship. I cannot even imagine agreeing to something based on numbers on a scale, or asking for such an agreement. If my attraction to someone wavered depending on that, geez, how shallow would I be? Yes, there is a point where I probably would no longer be attracted to someone b/c of their size--but we are talking about someone who is well into the "unhealthy" weight range, who is technically obese and does not have healthy habits (eating, exercise) that promote good health.
I think you both need some serious individual counseling about your fixation on the scale, and you need to dump this man who is trying to control you by leaving you for such an unbelievably shallow reason. You are so much more than a number on a scale. What were each of you thinking? Sorry, this isn't meant to sound harsh, I'm actually bewildered that two people could agree to something like this. Wow.
Well to make this long story short the year mark came and I weighed 112. He really packed up his bags and left.. And I dont know what to do. He has been gone for 1 week now, and I really don't think he is coming back. I am an emotional wreck. He was everything to me, besides him doing this, he really was a sweet and caring loving guy. He would do all those little things for me.
Please give me advice... I dont know what to do...
If you are talking pounds and not kilos, I would say you should call his bluff and let him go. What a jerk. To be quite honest with you, 105 pounds sounds so little, that unless you are about 4ft high, you needed more weight anyway.
It sounds like he has a taste for anorexic women. If you were anorexic at the time he met you, that would indicate the most clear-cut case of co-dependency I've ever heard of.
Wow, I can't believe he did that to you, that's not ok for him to leave over that... as hard as it is, you will be ok, you will find someone who loves you no matter how much you weigh and you still sound tiny so it's rediculous for him to have those expectations after you have a baby... that's horrible for him to leave you and your baby, he's very selfish, there's more important things then you weighing 7lbs more then before, he should have never left- he has a family to support... I wish you the best- be strong... it will be ok.
Regardless of "How sweet & caring he is/was at other times" Why would you want him to return?
He left over your weight ..Theres Nothing loving & caring Nor sweet about that concept in any form!!
Not to mention weight of 112.. Thats Obserd!!!
"Get Over Him Fast" & Move On.. You have a baby now that needs your focus ...but I'm not too sure the baby needs his critical eye near by... Good Luck!!
Thanks for helping. I'm 5'1 so its not to small and I haven't ever had eating issues so my health is okay. Even before we had the baby he would always joke with me about it so I didn't take him to serious. But as the months went by he would always insist on me telling him my weight. And really as the year went by he just got up and left. I dont know if he is just doing this to show me that he is serious about this. Were both very much into our health. But if he does come back I really am going to make it clear to him that I can't keep my same weight for my whole life. That there is more to life than beauty and looks. I don't want our marriage to end, but I do want things to change. I want a strong emotional bond as well as a physical bond together. I called his mom and she is mad at him she says to expect to hear from him today. He went to lake powell with a bunch of his friends and didn't tell me. And it was right around the year mark... Thats just rude of him.. I need to lay down the laws when he comes home I don't wnat to be a push over, I need to show him that what he did was wrong.
Did he say anything up to the 1 year mark? Have talks with you that said he was unhappy or sad or was still going to leave? Or was all of this totally unexpected?
Did he say anything up to the 1 year mark? Have talks with you that said he was unhappy or sad or was still going to leave? Or was all of this totally unexpected?
It was totally unexpected, but it turns out he planned a boating trip with his 3 best friends on that date. He did this to be a jerk, and to put the scare in me that he really was leaving.
it is a fact that you can never get the "six pack" after having a child, unless you get a tummy tuck.
Your ab muscles are pushed apart, from a 1/4 to 5 inches during pregancy, it will never go back to the 1/4 without a Dr.s help.
My wife was 98lbs when we got married (she is 4'11") very petite.
now 12 years of marriage 3 kids later, she is about 115lbs now
a size 2 to a size 8
I think she looks fantastic, she wants a tummy tuck, I could care less either way. She wants to put her abs together, not sure if she realizes she will have a scare from hip to hip though.
I am sorry that he is so shallow, you deserve better.
BG...the weight thing...he didn't make you a "deal" , there was no deal there. "If you aren't back to your pre-baby weight, I'm leaving". Where is the deal in that?
if he does come back, his key shouldn't work in the door.
If it was his weight "deal", then he left you over 7 pounds. 7 pounds. That's what your relationship is worth to him. 7 frikkin' pounds.
If the timing was a coincidence, and he just took a weekend away without telling you....
Maybe he didn't need to ask, but he sure as heck needed to let you know! That is far worse than 'rude'. Give him a serious "come to Jesus" moment when he gets back. He has a LOT of making up to do.
BG...the weight thing...he didn't make you a "deal" , there was no deal there. "If you aren't back to your pre-baby weight, I'm leaving". Where is the deal in that?
if he does come back, his key shouldn't work in the door.
If it was his weight "deal", then he left you over 7 pounds. 7 pounds. That's what your relationship is worth to him. 7 frikkin' pounds.
If the timing was a coincidence, and he just took a weekend away without telling you....
Maybe he didn't need to ask, but he sure as heck needed to let you know! That is far worse than 'rude'. Give him a serious "come to Jesus" moment when he gets back. He has a LOT of making up to do.
Thanks for your advice and I agree with you totally. 7 pounds, and I really did try hard you have no Idea.. Its hard for a girl to get her figure after having a baby. But I didn't just let myself go. I don't want my marriage to end over this, but you are right that he has a lot of making up to do. What would you suggest? This literally has been the worst 8 days of my life. His mom told me he will be home by tomorrow and she is upset with him too, after I told her the details.
"put the scare in you," haha, funny--NOT. This is so immature of him. I know I'd be tempted to respond on the same level. "Hey, hon, don't bother coming back; I've got a boyfriend who is better looking, wealthier, and a MUCH better lover than you and he's move-in ready. . . . Oh, sorry, that was just a joke!!"
I don't think the doghouse is good enough for him right now. Maybe a few nights on the street would do him some good. I'm not sure I'd take back a man who did this to me, frankly, and I KNOW I'd never give him another chance if he did it a 2nd time. And I don't bluff--ask my S2Bx, my kids and my students.
What do I suggest? First, a legal agreement turning over any major assests to you regardless of what happens in the marriage. I'm not sure if this can be done b/c you are married (not sure if married persons can have contracts like this, written during the marriage, as opposed to a pre-nup, written before the marriage). A joint separation agreement signed and sealed for future use if he ever tries it again, and one that gives you alimony for life, etc. The passwords to all his "private" accounts, whether email or fb or bank accounts, whatever. Keys to his boat/car, etc. This type of emotional gambling on his part is outrageous and there is nothing you cannot ask for, IMHO, right now, so go whole hog to guarantee it NEVER happens again. This is so not funny of him, and if he tries to play it that way, seriously consider if you can risk being married to someone this cruel.
Husband left me for weight 
