General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
It has taken me so long to post here. I'm a very private person but I'm so lost right now that I no longer know how to move on. Let me start by saying that with my profession I'm the one used to helping others and not burdening anyone with my problems. I'm a career firefighter with three wonderful boys who I love so very much! I work a 24 hour on 48 hours off schedule and spend all of my off duty time taking care of my kids. My wife works a 40 hour week and is home every evening and on the weekends. Where I'm getting at with this??? Well my wife tells me so often that I don't do anything for the kids or her. I question her and she tells me to stop. She complains about how I fold the laundry, how I cook the meals, how the dishes were put up, what I buy when I grocery shop, and I really don't want to go on. I have a lot of time at home so I do most of the domestic things. I do them because I can and I want her to not have to worry when she gets home about having a list of things needing done. I wouldn't mind simple occasional criticism but I get it all of the time. She never was like this before. Ever since our 2 year old was born this started in. She was so quick to tell me and others how I never did anything for her or my newborn. I took nearly a month off of work to be at home. I feel like I'm only complaining here but I try so hard and bite my tongue so much, I can't much longer. My kids only go to daycare on my duty days (one or two days during the week) and I take care of them everyday off. I love having this time with them but there are days I'm so tired when I come home from the firehouse but I don't complain I smile and try my best. I look forward to my wife coming home from work to see here beautiful face and for a little relief but that rarely happens. I find myself feeding the kids cleaning up the mess, folding the laundry and eventually sitting down around 10 or so. She tells me how tired she is from her job and that I get to sit around all day. Ok enough about the chores I do it is now moving into our intimacy. We don't have sex, we have had sex 3 times this year and that didn't amount too much. I love any chance I get to be intimate with my wife but there is always something...tired, morning noon and night, mad, there's something good on tv...etc... She gets so mad at me if I try to talk to her about "us". She says she doesn't want to have sex let alone touch me because I'm so mean to her. ??? I don't know what I missing here. I send her flowers to work, I send her little emails to let her know I love her. I leave her cards on the bed once in a while when I work a long shift to let her know that I'm always thinking of her. I'm not a perfect guy but I'm a guy who tries so hard to be a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I don't sit at the bars, I don't golf or fish anymore (no time anymore) I keep the yard and house well kept, my kids are good kids with good grades and plenty of activities to keep them busy. I just want to know what I've done so wrong, why am I being punished or treated so poorly for just trying...Ok the complaining has gone on way too long and this is so not like me! You know what though it has felt slightly better to at least type this out. But I can't continue like this.
It is demeaning when you know your personality does NOT include "complaining whiner" and when you feel like you are doing things right, and something isn't clicking in your relationship. It is like if things would go like they should go, you would not then forced into the role of whining, complaining, or looking for an understanding female adult elsewhere. You are missing the intimacy, love, and happy wife?
You are communicating your frustration here, it does not sound like whining at all! This is what I read:
A) Worried you are going to lose a wife and family.
B) You can't figure out what to do to make her happy like she once was.
C) You know something is going to have to "give".
D) You feel about to "lose it" aka turn to a willing female ear to feel appreciated and wanted sexually.
E) You simply want your wife to go back to accepting you for the kind, loving husband and father you are.
D) Sex three times this year isn't enough for anyone in MY world, so that desire on your part is certainly reasonable.
Why don't you remove, from your post, all reference to typing it here on this forum and give it to your wife as a note/letter?
You clearly love your family. You do need to realize three sons, a wife that works 40 hours a week, and a firefighter working hours firefighters work will CHANGE your relationship BIG time.
How old are your boys? MUST your wife work full time?
My boys are 11, 9, and 2
and yes and no to if she needs to work full time...she can spend money
I've wrote this down to her before and she says it's all my fault...she has told me before that sometimes if I just said I was sorry things would improve??? Sorry for what being upset that I get tired of being criticized for doing so much. She has told me sorry once that i can ever remember, I reminded her of this and her answer was that I'm the one who does the screwing up...this isn't like her
I agree, it sounds as if there's something else going on that you don't know about.
And no, you're not coming off at all as if you are as whining here. Either there is a part of this story that is missing, or there's something going on that you're missing.
Either way, it is good that you've told us these things and all, but are these things that you have told her?
I've tried telling her in so many ways...and yes I've looked at all angles regarding someone else. She says I'm just a jealous. I'm far from a jealous person and she swears to me that she desires no one else. I gave her all my trust but now I truly wonder what is going on. Not sounding stuck on myself but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm in my 30s and with my job it can all be over at any given moment. I don't live with regrets and I try to smile as much as I can...it's harder to do these days but I still try. What I mean is, I don't want to be miserable, I want my kids to see a happy home and happy parents, and not an act.
If the resources allow, I would try to hire a private investigator, because there has to be something going on that you don't know about. When she say's you're just jealous, what exactly is she referring to? Do you hound her about hanging out with / being friends with certain men? Or is that just a comment that is out of the blue?
Sometimes when people are guilty, they will counter-accuse just to not get caught, or to divert the issue at hand. That would be a big red flag for me. I'd also go through your account(s) and phone / internet record with a fine tooth comb if you can't hire an investigator. Although I would suggest both. But when do resources ever allow this? lol
I don't think you need a private investigator to find the mime in a room full of clowns here...
I would bet money there is someone else. Get your head out of the sand and stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop trying to be a martyr.
You need to look deep into this relationship and find out what's going on...there is more here than you either realize or you're just ignoring the obvious.
You're marriage is in serious trouble and there is very likely someone else involved with her.
expect nothing. Be yourself always, especially during these times. She needs to see that you are okay even when things are not right. Show strength and confidence in yourself even if you do not necessarily feel this way at the time.
hi!
i know its hard to have someone tell you that there is something else going on... but sir, i can almost be 100% sure that there is... i know thats a hard thing to handle but its true... my husband is a police officer, i am 9 months pregnant and he is cheating on me, and i lost my job when i was 4 months pregnant and havent had one sice cause no1 would hire me...obviously...so i sit at home ALL day and clean and take care of everything! excpet mowing the grass and changing lightbulbs and such things that a pregnant woman cant really do, i also have had several unexplained seizures while being pregnant but that doesnt seem to matter to him! he thinks that becasue he works for 3 days then off for 2 and then work for 2 days and off for 3, plus works a 4 hour security job at a bank, so he basically works EVERYDAY and i am sure up to 80 hours a week, but he thinks that i should be able to take care of EERYTHING so that he doesnt have too, and hes right but it would be more understandable if i werent about to have a baby anyday now... i had a seizure in the car with him the other day and he took me to the ER and on the way home he says to me "i sure am glad nothing bad ever happens to me cause we couldnt afford it with all your hospital bills, i dont know why ur so sick and weak all the time now you dont do anything and i mean NOTHING, all u do is lay around and keep the inside of the house neat",... how do u think that made me feel?? so i know what ur going through, when nothing is ever good enough and u honestly KNOW ur trying and they seem to not care about anything anymore! my husband is cheating on me and has been for awhile... and everything u said in ur post i have already been through...and this is where it has lead me... maybe you should just unleash on her?? not be mean or abusive but just one night when shes watchin tv or w/e go and turn it off, and start by sayin "ok, NOW I have something to say", and tell her that u feel unappreciated and u feel like there is something going on with her and someone else, really tell her how she has made u feel, and if she gets pissed, that u turned of the tv and doesnt wanna talk about "us", then she's probably thinking...there is no "us", so all u can do is say fine, just know i tried, and i am not gonna try anymore, and STOP everything, no more taking care of things, let them go, let her handle them, and show her how much she really needs you, cause there arent many men who will just take over all home responsibilities so the wife doesnt have to... even when i had a job and was working 40 hours a week, and my husband didnt have the 2nd job i was still expected to do all the house work becasue he said "they are my wifely duties"... and if she says ur jealous, say NO! i'm not jealous, i am concerned and heartbroken because i have been made to feel this way, and all u can say is I'm jealous, which only means that u really think i am, cause thers is something for me to be questioning... she obviously has nothing for you right now, my husband hasnt slept with me since i got pregnant, which ironically was the month after he cheated on me the first time and i found out about it... so go figure... its been 9 months and nothing for me, and I was the one begging... so yea, i am pretty sure there is someone else, she may not have acted on it yet, and maybe why shes so angry all the time, becasue she wants too, and then again she may have and just really wants out.. serisouly ur gonna have to just talk to her and if she doesnt want to listen or walks away, u know where her heart is and u need to get out of it before your kids are affected, because i am sure they have picked up on the intensity and uncomforting air around them... good luck with everything and keep us posted
Well I sit alone again tonight. My wife has been in bed since 7:30 and I took care of the things around the house again. I will give her a benefit of the doubt tonight she says she didn't feel well. She had this illness last night as well ? I needed to try and mow this evening before it rained but she wouldn't watch our youngest so I could. Instead she bit my head off and told me I should of done it earlier today instead of just sitting around. Well while my youngest took his afternoon nap I trimmed the bushes out back, pulled weeds around the patio and when he was up we ran errands, paid bills, I did paperwork and got a quick workout in. Not much sitting around. Ok I'm done but I do feel slightly better I feel as if even though it's just typing it is venting and I needed that. Thanks all!
Wow Rescueme, I hate to agree w/everyone but it does sound like she's got something going on and she's feeling damn guilty about it and you're taking the brunt of that. I'll be quite honest w/you if my man was doing all the things you do well sh*t this girl right here would be in heaven thanking the angels for sending me a gift from above. I'm not trying to inflate your ego or anything of the sorts. But if you do as you say you do then this woman should be damn proud of you.
Just because she is critical and distant emotionally or physically doesn't make her a cheater. She could simply be unhappy with her life. After having my second son, my husband told me he wasn't going to help with the kids. So I stayed home, I did everything for our two sons for about three solid years, and never really got over the resentment and hate toward my husband. Yes, I was critical. Yes, I complained. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I tried to cope by getting attention elsewhere. Yes, we very raely have sex. I still don't know where to break the cycle. If husbands and wives always understood and supported each other, then there won't be a need for such forums, marriage counseling, or divorce lawyers. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Boy, I read your post and I think - WOW! You are a good husband. I am the wife, mother and breadwinner of the family. My husband works but I make 6 times more than he does..so the pressure is on me to keep the money coming in -- he loves the money and status but doesn't like the responsibilities. I will say this, just because she is acting like this, doesn't mean she is a cheater. While I wouldn't rule out the concerns -- I will say my husband cooks and cleans but runs from childcare. He insists on having a nanny WHILE he is HOME. He watches our son for abotu an hour in the morning. That's it. Me on the other hand (I feel guilty having the nanny!) And I'm TIRED! I get about 4 hours a sleep a night so I can relate to you....working all the time.
I definitely agree that you should talk with her. If you are ready to say adios ...put it all out there. Counseling? It's worth a shot. Maybe she is depressed? Hates her life? You can't fix her -- but you can motivate her to fix herself if she doesn't want to lose you.
Just don't continue being resentful. That's how I have been for a long time and it does a ton of damage to the relationship -- without even saying a a word.
My husband makes me dinners, and cleans the house (when the cleaning lady/nanny is off ) HE probably thinks that makes him entitled to sex too. I HATE having sex with him because we are not in sync. I am resentful..and can't feel connected to him. This could be how she is feeling? Just communicate -- I am trying to do that too. Doesn't always work but at least you will know you tried.
What am I doing wrong? 
) HE probably thinks that makes him entitled to sex too. I HATE having sex with him because we are not in sync. I am resentful..and can't feel connected to him. This could be how she is feeling? Just communicate -- I am trying to do that too. Doesn't always work but at least you will know you tried. 
