I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away.... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-18-2009, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away....

For 13 months now I've had a LOT of really bad luck it seems. The "big stuff" is not even my doing. It is all "because of" my husband. I hate saying it that way, but it's truly his "stuff" but with me being married to him - it affects me greatly. (He doesn't understand why, but....it does). The rest of it is just "stuff" that life brings, but when you pile ALL of it on top, one after another - I really think I'm reaching my breaking point.

1. Sept. 2008 he got arrested for an NSF check from 1997. Statute had run, but there was an outstanding warrant.....so he got arrested. At the time we didn't know anything other than "he's being arrested." I had to bail him out - which ripped our finances apart. It was less than $1,000, but nonetheless, it ripped us apart for a couple of months.

2. He got served with a lawsuit for child support for a child of his that he had in 1997. Apparently he and the child's mother were a one week fling? I don't know how much I truly can say that I KNOW about it.......but nonetheless, she never wanted money, he sent money a few times when she would call him (before we were married) and ask for money......but apparently when she filed for state assistance of some sort - the state came after him for child support for her. The child was born in 1997. This suit is pretty much over and now he's paying child support. Once again, this has ripped our finances apart and will do so for the next 6 years. Don't get me wrong - and don't flame me - I do believe in child support, but I am really scared and upset about how we'll put food on the table for our own three children when this one child alone is getting more each month than I EVER spend on my kids in one month, much less all three at Christmastime.

3. He's lied to me for several years about smoking (cigarettes) and dipping. He said he's not done either in several years, but after being lied to for the first 4 yeas of our marriage it's hard to break my walls down and fully trust him again. I AM trying to, but it's not as easy as it sounds. He is frustrated (understandably) that I still don't trust him but I don't know HOW to trust him.

4. My dog that I've had for 15 years (prior to my marriage with him) is dying. He does have good days and bad days, so he's not where he should be put to sleep.....but it's still very painful and weighs heavily on my heart that he's dying. It's going to be soon, we both believe.

5. There's a stray cat that adopted US and we've been feeding it since it was a kitten. Cute little orange cat. We named him Morris! Even my kids started feeding and watering it as a "chore" that they took on for themselves. Well, this morning, my 5 year old says "look out the window, mom." I look out and OMG that was Morris laying in the street dead. The kids didn't know WHAT was in the street. I started crying. Then a neighbor came and knocked on the door and I answered (crying) and she told me about the cat and asked if it was ours. I explained the situation........etc. and fast fwd, my husband buried him this morning before going to work.

6. We have three kids - ages 5, 4 and 1. BAD IDEA........Tooooo close together. Very stressful and just not healthy for us. If our marriage were more of a firm foundation, then sure.....it'd be great (I guess?). The kids see us fighting all the time which in turn I think is the reason that they misbehave sometimes. It also doesn't help that the 4 year old wakes up at 5am all the time - regardless of what time he goes to bed.

7. We fight ALL the time. I've always heard that you should take on the approach of saying "I FEEL......." when discussing something. THAT even backfires. I hear "it's all about how you feel....." I don't know how to discuss things with him without it turning into a fight.

8. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I don't get much help with the house, laundry, etc. He does help when I turn it into a fight about it, but he doesn't just do things on his own. Then when I do fight with him about it - he goes through spurts of helping. He'll help for maybe 2 weeks and then it's back to nothing. It's a cycle that I really am tired of. With three kids......I NEED HELP. Not to mention (and his mother warned me about this.....) that he doesn't pick up after himself. If he takes his clothes off for bed in one location - there they stay. One day I even took off from work to stay home and clean the house spotless and get all the laundry done. I didn't get the whole thing done, but it was close. I felt awesome. It was set up ahead of time that I'd do the house and then he'd fold and put away all the laundry. The laundry sat on the couch for 3 weeks and 2 days. C'mon, really? Am I being petty here?

9. Hubby spends HOURS on Facebook each night. It doesn't bother me that he's on there. I'm totally okay with it, but c'mon EVERY night for that many hours?????? Really???? He's not doing anything "wrong" on there, but the time he's spending on FB is more than the time he spends with me. It used to be that when the kids went to bed is when WE had our "us time" even if all we did was sit and watch tv.

I'm rambling, and my kids are now trying to get my attention - so I've lost my train of thought. I've rambled too much anyway, but this is a good "idea" of what I am going through.

While going through the child support case I was not handling it well at all (especially once we got the DNA back confirming it was his child). No, it's not a child from an affair, but it still hurts. Anyway, while going through all this I was put on a med for anxiety. I do take it every so often but now I'm starting to think this is turning into depression. I am NOT a depressed person. I've always been a happy go lucky person. Now my husband is telling me that I am bitter and scorned.

I don't like who I am. We're sort of stuck together for financial reasons because he can't afford to live off of his income that he'd have left after paying the child support on the one child plus what he'd be ordered to pay for my three. He honestly couldn't live off of what's left.

I don't know if this marriage is worth saving. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being lonely and NOW I'm tired of being depressed.......

What do I do? Any suggestions? Has anyone been through anything like this? THIRTEEN MONTHS of sheer _______. I am not a strong person (ya ya ya....what doesn't kill us makes us stronger......WHATEVER). My heart and mind can't take this anymore.

I'm not looking for romance. I just want happiness.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-18-2009, 07:20 PM
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Re: I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away....

I don't know what, exactly, to say, girl. But I do empathise! I know it's a rough patch for you.

My only suggestion, at this point, is separate! One of you get their own place. Kick him out if you have to, change the locks, put his stuff out front. But YOU keep the kids! It will look like he's abandoning the marriage...this will come in handy later if you divorce and seek support.

He needs to see the consequences of his actions. You need to make him see them.

HOURS on FB? WTF? it's not that exciting! And I AM sorry to hear about your german shepard...I've lost family pets, too. And I'm so sorry about your adoptive cat, too.

It ain't illegal until you're caught!
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-18-2009, 07:44 PM
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Re: I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away....

I've had times in my life where I had nothing but bad luck. I think they are lessons to be learned.

First things you should be doing IMHO is to get good birth control and look for and find things that will give you some balance in your life, like relaiable, trustworthy babysitters so you can go on a real date with your husband now and then....
go to school so you can find a good job or whatever...

divorce him if you just can't stand him and don't want to be married and move on...

worst place to be is "stuck".. you should not try to stay in a marriage when you feel that way... its bad for your emotional health.

Your life is off balance, seek to correct it and I bet your luck will start to change.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-18-2009, 10:29 PM
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Re: I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away....

Wowza, ok so I feel ya on the bad luck thing. I've had a flat tire, my car broken into and today all the money sucked from my "own" acct into the negative "joint" acct that has been negative since March. Hubby was supposed to take care of that. I guess I should have been more on top of it. Forgot my acct was tied to it as OD protection and never took a second glance because they've not touched my acct in 3 months. Hmm. Bet that won't happen to me again.

Anyway, so take a deep breath. What are you and the hubby fighting about? Is it housework, finances, the kids? I say like above find a good babysitter whom you trust (any family around???) see if you can set up a couple of nights where they'll watch the kid. First you and the hubby just need to sit and talk about what's going on. Second you guys need some ALONE time PDQ. Kids take alot of time especially 3, that young, and that close together.

Best of luck. This too (the bad luck) shall pass. The marriage...well that will take worth on yours and his parts. But it can be done
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-18-2009, 11:10 PM
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Location: connecticut
Posts: 653
Re: I have a black cloud over me and it won't go away....

you are overwhelmed and feel trapped.

you did marry a man with some baggage, and that's not bad luck. that's a decision.

you are under much pressure both financially and practically. i refer to everyday household tasks and three (i'm sure wonderful) very young children.

and you feel very alone. you don't believe your husband has your back.

and more than anything you'd just like the storm waves to stop rolling over you knocking you over.

you have ample proof you can't predict your storms so concentrate on building the strongest you you can build that can weather the worst of storms.

some small suggestions: carve out time every day just for you and be adamant about your private time if need be; revive old interests; give your husband a chore list and leave the chores undone if he doesn't do them.

and find a way to go to counseling. not with your husband, alone. for you.

andand take a walk, pick some flowers.

enjoy summer.
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