need help thinking about divorce! =(
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default need help thinking about divorce! =(

First of all thank you for any help offered I really appreciate it! (and sorry for length plz read)

How we met/married:

Ok so I'm a 24 year old American man and have been married for a year and four months. I was in the US Army and deployed to Iraq to fight in a violent mission in Baghdad(I was in a combat role). Eight months into my deployment my best friend was killed, this is how I met my wife. She was my best friends fiancť at the time of his death. I had never met her before his death because she lived in the US and me and my buddy where stationed in Germany(they had a LDR). Long story short we met when I came to give my condolences to his parents, and we considered ourselves to be dating only 8 months after his death. We had a 6 month LDR with no physical contact while I was waiting to get out of the military. So the first time I ever kissed her was 6 months in when I finally came home to California, where she also happened to be from. Once I got home everything moved at the speed of light, after all this was the first and only girl I had sex with, or even a real relationship with. I purposed to her 2 months after being home, we got married roughly a year and a half later.

Our personalities:
Before I ever even purposed to my wife I asked myself if her views on life and goals in life where compatible with my own.
I wanted to travel and learn more about human culture and people, I wanted to be with someone who would teach me things and be excited to discover the richness of the world. My dream was to help people... like red cross and such, I wanted to go to impoverished countries and help, and I still do.
So I asked my wife what her views on this where one night and she told me she had absolutely no desire to do these things. We got into a huge fight because I told her I wasn't so sure if this would work. She wanted to get married and have kids and put down roots and live a homie simple family life. I (being too scared to end it) decided to try and make this work, hoping that I could change her point of view and that I could adapt to hers, and that we would both meet somewhere in the middle. So we got married and have been trying ever since to be truly happy and content.

Our relationship:
What made me think this marriage was always going to work was the fact that we got along so well and almost never fought. We have a way of talking to each other and communicating effectively, which is just my favorite part about our marriage. We try to always involve comedy in our lives and are always willing to help one another. The problem with our relationship seems to be that we have these deep routed desires that have never come to fruition. I have met a lot of her demands and she has done the same but I have reached my limit. I have stayed in the states and bought a house for us and tired to convince myself that I wanted kids with her and that I was happy with my new lifestyle but too much has changed about me. She has also tried to change herself for me, but can never bring herself to be genuinely interested in my favorite passions. I feel like I need to be my own person away from this all. Itís so sad because I think she is the greatest person I have ever met but feel like love is not enough and that I am truly unhappy. I sit and wonder where my life and happiness went; I donít do anything I used to enjoy anymore, AT ALL! Our relationship has forced us away from California and our families. We now have no relationship with our parents because of their dislike for their childís spouse. I have talked about all this with my wife and we are trying so many things to be happy like making more friends, trying new hobbies, getting new jobs, understanding each others wants more. We have even considered getting a roommate to feel less lonely. Nothing is working and I feel like I wish I could divorce her and wish her all of the luck in the world. We obviously have no kids and are very young 24 and 23, and I feel like I donít want to ruin our lives. There are so many little things that make this hard too but just know neither of us has been unfaithful or even thought of cheating. I am going to start marriage counseling with her, but past that I donít know what to expect from life anymore. I miss all my friends and family and miss my old passions I have abandoned in the search of the perfect marriage. I have not told her I am thinking about divorce yet, she will not ever agree I feel. Please help me, thank you.
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Part of me is wondering what this magical 'compromise' would look like, between staying firmly rooted & having kids, and going to distant lands to learn about other cultures and help people in need (both worthy pursuits, btw). What did you think meeting in the middle would turn out like?

I'm not trying to be *****y, I am wondering what was in your mind, because they seem like such polar opposites to me that I'm struggling to see how this whole marriage could work without a tremendous amount of sacrifice on someone's part.

Do you ever think you'll want to really settle down into a home and have kids? Is it possible to discuss a temporary separation/LDR while you go travel and explore the world, and when you come back it'll be 'out of your system' so to speak?

I'm hope counseling will bring up these issues and talk about compromise options for you both, because if you truly love her then divorce should be the absolute last option on your mind.
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Thank you so much for your feed back. I Was thinking at the time that I would try and fulfill my needs by helping people locally in what ever neighborhood we lived in, and by convincing her that travel and all the things I wanted to do should be something she wanted as well. I was foolish to think I could change not only myself but her as well. I have though about having an LDR with her but since her last fiance died in such a tragic way she is unable to be away from me at all. we have lieterally never spent one full day apart in over 3 years! she is terrified of being without me, and overly dependent on me. I on the other hand am very independent. I figured if I gave her the things she wanted and sacrificed my needs I could deal just with it, I have been called a gluten for punishment more than once, idk whats wrong with me.
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

#1 you married too young and too fast.

#2 she wasn't done grieving her fiance. It still affects her.

#3 your dreams are polar opposite. BEYOND opposite.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Quote:
Our relationship has forced us away from California and our families. We now have no relationship with our parents because of their dislike for their childís spouse.
What happened that your families no longer want to support their newlywed children?

something doesn't seem right...
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
What happened that your families no longer want to support their newlywed children?

something doesn't seem right...

I don't know, I think we blamed our problems on them and left out of state thinking it would help. We have have tried so much...I'm so afraid of a divorce...but i don't know what to do
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Sounds to me like you falling out of love with her.

Why are you to separated from your friends and family? This is so unhealthy. You should not have to chose between them and your wife. Why don't your parents like your wife? What has she done to them?

You are both very young. The divorce rates for women who marry under age 25 and men under the age of 30 is very high.

Neither of you are wrong. You are each entitled to your view of what life you want to lead. But there is no real way to compromise what each of you want.

She really has no obligation to embrace your want to trave the world, learn and help people. Not use why you think she should do this. It's not a lifesyle condusive to marriage when the other person just wants to have a family.

As sad as it is, I think that you should bring up divorce in your MC as soon as possible. The first meeting is a good idea.


It's best that you set her free so that she can find a man who wants the same things she does.

Then if you want to lead the life you describe go do it. Get it out of your system. Maybe you will find a young lady who wants to do the same thing.

Make the break no
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
#1 you married too young and too fast.

#2 she wasn't done grieving her fiance. It still affects her.

#3 your dreams are polar opposite. BEYOND opposite.
so, what in your opinion should I do...
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Jeff it sucks but I had a similar feeling and the only way to fix the feeling is to get out. Sometimes people are not meant for each other because things change and we change. You need to ask yourself if you are truly happy with your current wife and if she is still worth you sacrificing your happiness or if you are needing to go your separate ways. This is very hard because the person you are with is a wonderful person but maybe not the person for you. If someone in your life doesn't want to change things that may help to improve the relationship and you have done all you can on your part then possibly separation might be best for you. Try legal separation see how both of you feel and keep in touch and make sure to mention you are doing this for both of your happiness.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

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Originally Posted by Lilme831983 View Post
Jeff it sucks but I had a similar feeling and the only way to fix the feeling is to get out. Sometimes people are not meant for each other because things change and we change. You need to ask yourself if you are truly happy with your current wife and if she is still worth you sacrificing your happiness or if you are needing to go your separate ways. This is very hard because the person you are with is a wonderful person but maybe not the person for you. If someone in your life doesn't want to change things that may help to improve the relationship and you have done all you can on your part then possibly separation might be best for you. Try legal separation see how both of you feel and keep in touch and make sure to mention you are doing this for both of your happiness.
We have both tried so hard to change and work with one another but, I feel it is time to give up after losing my friends, family, lifestyle, and moving 1000 miles from home nothing has worked...I'm not saying these things are her fault but they are a result of our relationship. she doesn't want to give up but how can she not see how fruitless out efforts are.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Sounds to me like you falling out of love with her.

Why are you to separated from your friends and family? This is so unhealthy. You should not have to chose between them and your wife. Why don't your parents like your wife? What has she done to them?

You are both very young. The divorce rates for women who marry under age 25 and men under the age of 30 is very high.

Neither of you are wrong. You are each entitled to your view of what life you want to lead. But there is no real way to compromise what each of you want.

She really has no obligation to embrace your want to trave the world, learn and help people. Not use why you think she should do this. It's not a lifesyle condusive to marriage when the other person just wants to have a family.

As sad as it is, I think that you should bring up divorce in your MC as soon as possible. The first meeting is a good idea.


It's best that you set her free so that she can find a man who wants the same things she does.

Then if you want to lead the life you describe go do it. Get it out of your system. Maybe you will find a young lady who wants to do the same thing.

Make the break no
If i come to this conclusion, what if she will not have it? I'm so afraid to hurt her! I just want to be peacefully on my way I think, but can't imagine a scenario where that can happen. Do you really believe I would be helping her too? I don't want to be selfish...
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

I am wondering what was in your mind, because they seem like such polar opposites to me that I'm struggling to see how this whole marriage could work without a tremendous amount of sacrifice on someone's part.
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

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Originally Posted by Jeffs_acc View Post
If i come to this conclusion, what if she will not have it? I'm so afraid to hurt her! I just want to be peacefully on my way I think, but can't imagine a scenario where that can happen. Do you really believe I would be helping her too? I don't want to be selfish...
Yes I think it would help her. No one really wants to be with someone who is not happy being with them. She is young and is just hoping that she can magically turn things around. She is fighting for her marriage. I cannot blame her for that.

But she cannot make you into something you are not any more than you can make her something she is not.

What if she does not agree? Well, if you want a divorce she cannot stop you from getting one.

If you are going to divorce her, do it now before you have children. Once you have children you really cannot leave. Well, you can but you would be a cad for doing it. So if you are going to go for a divorce do it quickly and stop your sex life with her to prevent having children.

Can we talk about this life you want to lead? Where do you want to travel to? How are you going to finance a traveling lifestyle?
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

I don't think you necessarily need to get out of the relationship. It sounds as if you both genuinely like each other, which is a huge plus, and that you're willing to seek ways to help the other feel happy. That's another huge plus in your favor.

As I'm thinking about her desire to establish roots and a family, and your desire to travel and experience different cultures, and the fact that she seems to be okay with long-distance relationships but has a fear of losing her partner, here's what comes to my mind:

It's up to her to cope with her fears, though you have an obligation to her not to unnecessarily create problems. I see a couple of ways that you could both address your goals together if you can come to an agreement on one of these options:

1. You could volunteer for the Peace Corps Response program, which involves overseas volunteering for 3-12 months at a time.

2. You could volunteer for other programs that don't require such large chunks of your time but require you to pay for travel and such.

3. You could explore opportunities to be missionaries together, which gives you the opportunity to have and raise a family together and spend your time together in a productive way that can boost intimacy, but the "roots" you put down depend on how long you stay in one place.
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help thinking about divorce! =(

Wow, I feel badly suggesting divorce for you two but, honestly, I think you got married for ALL the WRONG reasons! I think you were both grieving for your friend and tried to keep his memory alive by creating a relationship with each other.

You're both VERY YOUNG, you have NO CHILDREN, you want TOTALLY OPPOSITE things out of life. I just see an awful lot of STRUGGLE, long-term continual compromising, family discord, just a whole lot of negative factors.

It doesn't mean either of you are bad people, or selfish people, or immature people. I think you were two HURTING people who turned to each other for comfort and tried to create a relationship that is NEVER going to exist. YOU'RE JUST NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

Let each other go, wish each other well, move on with your lives, re-establish relationships with your respective families. You will each find partners BETTER SUITED to your goals. Your relationship should not be THIS DIFFICULT. You're trying to force a round peg into a square hole.

As long as you LEARN from this experience, then the time and effort was NOT wasted.
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