New Relationship Concerns.....
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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

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Old 12-02-2012, 09:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New Relationship Concerns.....

I've had exactly one girlfriend in my life and I married her. Began dating almost 14 years ago and married for 4+ but currently going through divorce with no reconciliation possible.

So about 2 months ago I created a profiles on a few dating sites. I've talked to a few girls here and there and finally went out with one about 2.5 weeks ago. We've now been on 3 dates.

Date 1- We were supposed to met for lunch at 12:30. I text her at 12:26 to say I'm at the place and she contacts me 5 minutes later to say she's 10 minutes away. I wait and it's about 12:45 and I make up my mind to leave at 12:50 if she doesn't show. She finally comes at about 12:48, 18 minutes late for the first date.

Date 2- She's about 5 minutes late.

Date 3- We were supposed to meet at 5:30. About 2 hours beforehand she tells me she won't be there until 5:45. She finally shows up at 5:50.

Throughout the dates I'm asking her about her life and likes and dislikes. She's open about things but she never seems to really ask me questions. At one point I did confront her about not asking me questions and she says it was because I usually told her my responses after I asked her a question.

I don't know, I'm just not buying it. She seems sweet and nice but after date #3 I don't know if I'm feeling it. Especially after her answer when I confronted her about it.

Your thoughts?
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

If you're not feeling it, why bother with a 4th date?

There's no rush to find another partner, OP; especially as you're still in the throes of divorce.

Date around and enjoy yourself. You don't have to have another date with this woman if something doesn't feel right - nor any woman for that matter.
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

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If you're not feeling it, why bother with a 4th date?

There's no rush to find another partner, OP; especially as you're still in the throes of divorce.

Date around and enjoy yourself. You don't have to have another date with this woman if something doesn't feel right - nor any woman for that matter.
Only because we do have some connections and she does seem to be nice and sweet.
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

Why would you be confrontational with someone after just a couple of dates?
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

Hi,

She definitely has a challenge on being punctual. Sometimes people get into relationships even though they feel it's not for them, and they are not feeling it, because they need to be distracted from the issues/troubles that they are facing/feeling. You need to figure out what you can do for yourself to help yourself heal from the divorce. It is not easy to be on your own especially being in a relationship for quite a long time, however if we allow ourselves time to heal, and spend some time enjoying begin single, and then perhaps return back to dating the experience can be five stars from the start. No matter how nice the person is, if the person is late on the first date I take that it's not as important to them as it is for me. Good for you for asking her why she wasn’t asking you any questions. It shows your cutting right to the chase so you both don’t waste each other’s time.

Hope this helps,
Sonia

Last edited by soniaBliss; 12-03-2012 at 07:33 AM. Reason: add in comment
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

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Hi,

She definitely has a challenge on being punctual. Sometimes people get into relationships even though they feel it's not for them, and they are not feeling it, because they need to be distracted from the issues/troubles that they are facing/feeling. You need to figure out what you can do for yourself to help yourself heal from the divorce. It is not easy to be on your own especially being in a relationship for quite a long time, however if we allow ourselves time to heal, and spend some time enjoying begin single, and then perhaps return back to dating the experience can be five stars from the start. No matter how nice the person is, if the person is late on the first date I take that it's not as important to them as it is for me. Good for you for asking her why she wasnít asking you any questions. It shows your cutting right to the chase so you both donít waste each otherís time.

Hope this helps,
Sonia
Or it shows that he's being pushy.

I agree with Thoreau, this is pretty aggressive stance when in the mood of trying to know someone, and putting your best foot forward. I agree, being late for dates isn't cool, but she may have spent extra time just trying to look nice for you. Each times she's been what you would are suggesting is "considerably" late... she's let you know. I just don't know if that, coupled with her asking about you ( despite me being very satisfied with her response) is grounds to question your future with her.

When i was GF hunting, i tried to weigh the entire package. The 2 largest were to look first for initial physical attraction, i'm assuming you are passed that point. Personality is HUGE to me. Well you confirmed she is "nice and sweet." The other things that you are concerned with... seems like nitpicking. Its like you are looking for something to tear her down over.

Relax, and ask your yourself, does her pro's outweigh her cons. So far, as an outsider, it appears it does. Now ask yourself how she sees you. It is clear how strongly you feel about her tardiness. Do you think that is coming off negatively in your facial stance? In your demeanor? You might not have to worry about future dates.
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Or it shows that he's being pushy.

I agree with Thoreau, this is pretty aggressive stance when in the mood of trying to know someone, and putting your best foot forward. I agree, being late for dates isn't cool, but she may have spent extra time just trying to look nice for you. Each times she's been what you would are suggesting is "considerably" late... she's let you know. I just don't know if that, coupled with her asking about you ( despite me being very satisfied with her response) is grounds to question your future with her.

I don't think that makes much sense because we ARE in the getting to know each other phase. She is NOT asking questions so how is she really getting to know me? By simply my response to the questions I ask her?

I also find it hard to accept the lateness. She didn't work any of those days and the only reason she said she was going to be late was because I contacted her first.

If there's one thing I learned from reading NMMNG then it's that I need to be more assertive and stick up for myself. That's what I'm attempting to do here. After three dates I think it's time to sever all ties....
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

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I don't think that makes much sense because we ARE in the getting to know each other phase. She is NOT asking questions so how is she really getting to know me? By simply my response to the questions I ask her?

I also find it hard to accept the lateness. She didn't work any of those days and the only reason she said she was going to be late was because I contacted her first.

If there's one thing I learned from reading NMMNG then it's that I need to be more assertive and stick up for myself. That's what I'm attempting to do here. After three dates I think it's time to sever all ties....
Good for you for knowing what you want.

There are plenty of women out there that will be on time for your dates & ask you lots of questions!
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

This is what dating is all about, OP. Finding people who do and do not suit us. You don't like her lateness and you don't like the fact that she doesn't ask you questions about yourself. We don't start trying to change people we've only just met. We move on.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

Why you get so much puzzled about this? If you are not comfortable with her thinking and with her then you can have another one partner. So don't think much about this you just have another opportunity to get a new partner.
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Old 12-04-2012, 06:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

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I also find it hard to accept the lateness. She didn't work any of those days and the only reason she said she was going to be late was because I contacted her first.

If there's one thing I learned from reading NMMNG then it's that I need to be more assertive and stick up for myself. That's what I'm attempting to do here. After three dates I think it's time to sever all ties....
I think you should stick to your instincts here.... her being chronically late 3 times in a row when you are just meeting... not a good sign at all... any woman with half a brain would be doing her best to be on time when 1st meeting someone. .. and if these types of things bother you, you can expect more of the same, her excuse was totally stupid also (about you contacting her 1st).

I know I wouldn't care for it.

I also feel it's a sign of healthy communication when both take turns inquiring/asking about each other (those questions), unless you are just so forthcoming that she feels you covered it all.

Generally the 1st few dates go great & the red flags spike a little later down the road... seems they are raising themselves real fast on this one!
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Old 12-04-2012, 07:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Relationship Concerns.....

One of my daughters seems to be consitutionally incapable of being on time for anything. She apparently simply has no sense of time. Some of her friendships have foundered, I think, as a result of this.

One the other hand she is devastatingly charming and amazingly good company. Of course I wonder sometimes if she feels this entitles her to be late for everything.

But I think some people really do have a problem with time. It is up to their friends/SOs to decide if they can accept this.
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