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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-19-2009, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappily Married

I have been unhappily married for a while now. We have been married 20 years. I have not been happy for about the last 10. My husband is a good man but my ex BF that i almost married is on my mind a lot these days.

I spend most of my time fantasizing about him even when I am with my husband.

What should I do?

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-19-2009, 03:33 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

Well, I think the fantasy is just that, a fantasy and it would be a bad idea to pursue that further. However, if you have been unhappy for 10 years, it's time to talk to your husband and tell him why. Does he realize you feel this way?
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-19-2009, 04:00 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

i agree the fantasy is the fantasy. your in an unhappy place. so your emotions are quite normal. trust me the fantasy when faced with in reality isnt whats its cracked up to be.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-19-2009, 04:05 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

The fantasy is a happy diversion from the unhappy marital state you are in.

I have one of those diversions, it keeps me sane.

But I keep it a fantasy as it only makes things more complex in the long run and helps me avoid getting to the "bottom line" with my dh.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2009, 09:17 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

Ilovehearts, it is very common to have a fantasy of a previous boyfriend or girlfriend or even someone you never had a relationship with but possibly just a friendship with, past or present. You are not to beat yourself up over this, but as my dear ladies have stated above it is important to remember that is just what it is a fantasy, there are no guarantees things would have worked out any better with that previous relationship than with your present relationship. As my Board Name states, “love takes work” real love, a love worth having and giving. I have only been married to one woman my whole life, we have enjoyed a good life together, have three wonderful children 2 of them adults now, and three marvelous grandchildren. We take a lot of pride and receive a lot of joy from loving them and being loved by them. We enjoy a wonderful extended family with many nephews, nieces, and even great nieces, and nephews. Life is far from perfect, we have endured our storms, storms that threatened our marriage, we even been on the brink of divorce where we both had secured lawyers. Love and life is a roller coaster ride, no ones life is perfect, no one! I have many divorced friends which is a testimony to how fragile love and marriage is. They all have their own stories, but one thing is consistent, their relationships ended because of a lack of love, work and vision of what their love could grow into in their future. This does not make them bad people, they are all wonderful, they have all felt great hurt, and if I have learned anything from the world we live in it does not function in a way to help us succeed but help us fail. The average person is not equipped to lift up their friends, and challenge them to for better days but rather to quit and join the ranks of the divorced. Please understand my dear wife and I are no better than any of the dear couples we know and love that are divorced, we are merely fortunate and I pray have been given an extra measure of grace to be a light during a very dark age where marriage, love, family, commitment, happiness, joy, and self worth do not mean what they use too. As my fellow board neighbors advised, talk to your husband about this, pursue counseling, read some good books on communication, Gary Smalley has a great VHS Series out called Hidden Keys To Loving Relationships and a ton of other great books. Search “Gary Smalley” on eBay you will be pleasantly surprised at the variety and prices. Seek out a Mentor (That is an older woman who has been married for several years and is farther along on the path) a woman like this can comfort you, offer you advise, listen to you and give you a perspective on life as well as share her own experiences. You can usually find a good one at your place of faith, social group, or non-profit you may help out at. Start journaling if you haven’t already, and don’t make your husband the focus of everything that has gone wrong in your life, this is a common mistake countless husbands and wives do. To grow in the areas of love and relationships, one must take responsibility for their own actions and discover “self” this is not an overnight experience or journey but a lifetime journey. Wishing and Praying for your success! Love Takes Work (a/k/a a sinner along the journey we call life who banks on God’s Love and Support, not Judgment)
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2009, 09:49 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

I just wanted to Say thanks for the encouraging words that you have put up. My wife has told me that she no longer want to be in a Marriage. She is in her part of life where she was to explore her own needs, own wants, feels that she doesn't want to answer to anyone, I have tried to explain that this a normal feeling and I have them to a certain degree but we have are in the marriage and have a family and are first obligation is to the FAMILY. It get very hard to keep at it knowing that all you hard working Money goes into the family and there very little left of time and money left to spent on you. But I think of the positive, a full home, 4 kids and basically everything they need, that what keep me going. My wife seems to have lost her drive and she thinks the solution to all her trouble, making me leave. I am very troubled for my Wife is my only love but she was previously married and divorced with the exact same amount of years in the previous marriage. Lately I think is getting better but its a crap shoot from Day to day. There hasn't been any physical activity for months and not showing any signs of ending anytime soon. I am just tankful of each day I get to spend in a home that I help create with my babies.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2009, 06:36 AM
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Re: Unhappily Married

Why are you so unhappy in your marriage? If your husband is a good man, what is lacking? Are you expecting him to make you happy? If so, that's foolish because you are responsible for your own happiness...

Maybe a little more info would be good.

Or you could just look up the exBF and hook up with him, punish your husband for being a good man that can't make you happy, put both of you through hell for awhile until you get a divorce and can get with the exBF full time...for awhile...until that isn't exactly what you thought it would be either...and then you'll be unhappy again...

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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-28-2009, 11:38 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

For me, this quote rings true for many things in life: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".

The thing is, you did break up with your ex, so there must have been issues, no?
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-30-2009, 09:18 AM
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Re: Unhappily Married

It's SO easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side..no day to day worries, the "new" feeling is there, things are still fresh and exciting. We all know all of that fades though, and once again, you're left with the day to day struggles, petty arguments, lack of time, fatigue...etc.
I'll take the kind of love that takes work, dedication and patience any day. If you're unhappy and your H knows this and refuses to work on his part of things, then decide if its worth leaving over, but its never right to start a relationship while you are still in one. You've got to choose one side of the fence or the other!
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-13-2009, 01:57 AM
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Re: Unhappily Married


I thought I was happily married until I had the ILYB speech - my wife had mentally detached herself from me and told me she had been unhappy for three years. I had utterly misread the situation and thought that because we no longer argued we were happy - the truth was that my wife had decided to stop arguing with me as she felt it made no difference - she was probably right as I always thought that what we did argue about seemed so trivial - this is wrong! It is the trivial things in a marriage that make or break it, and arguing is a great way of clearing the air and making you feelings heard.

My wife and I have decided to stay together and find happiness together again and so far I feel we are making great progress. If your husband doesn't know how you feel he may feel how I did - that you are happy. I hope it is not too late for you but my advice would be to explain how you feel to your husband but be prepared for a negative reaction initially, once he has come to terms with what your feelings are you can them look at the underlying reasons and attept to resolve them. I can thoroughly recommend the book by Andrew G Marsall called "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - it contains a lot of good advice and the number of times I've had eureka moments whilst reading it is amazing!

I hope it all works out for you!


Last edited by hombre; 07-13-2009 at 01:59 AM. Reason: Atrocious spelling
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-05-2010, 11:40 PM
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Re: Unhappily Married

i think before you have a talk with your husband, you have to name the reasons why you're not unhappy with him. i've been married for 3 years and i've been unhappy for the past 2. i've told my hubby so many times that i needed a divorce, but i don't think he takes it seriously because i say it when we're arguing. i sat down with him so many times and really explained how much unhappy i am and why, he promises to change and do better but nothing have changed. to the extend that any little thing that happens i blame it on the unhappy marriage.
but like one of the readers say, i think im just gonna use the ignore mode. because arguing doesnt really solve anything. at least for the sake of the kids.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-08-2010, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unhappily Married

the ex and i did not actually break up. i got pregnant by my now husband while i was with the ex b/f. we decided to get married.

i wouldnt say things were bad in the relationship with the ex b/f. he was out of town when i got pregnant by my now husband
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