Breaking up because of not enough time together
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Breaking up because of not enough time together

I met a wonderful man online. We've known each other for 17 months. He is serious about me. He wants me to move in with him when I'm ready and he says he wants to be with me forever. He has no bad habits like drinking, smoking, porn, etc. He doesn't even look at other woman in a sexual way, ever. He's a really great guy with a good job. However, his time is so limited. He works 6 days a week and 12 hours a day. This gives us very little time to be together. We live about 1 1/2 hours away by car from each other. I don't have a car because I live in the city where a car is not needed. He lives in the country so he has a car. In the beginning we spent more time together, but now we don't.

On top of work schedule he has his hobbies which I feel take away even more time. I keep telling him that it's ok to have hobbies, but he should spend less time on them because now he is in a relationship and we need to spend time as a couple. Some of his hobbies require him to go away for weekends and thereby making our time even more limited.

I know he values our relationship, but I feel we are missing the quality time needed. Am I being too selfish or should I give him his space? I know he works alot and likes to take some of his spare time to do his hobbies which he should, but sometimes I feel he has too much on his plate for me and our time is very limited.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

Listen to your inner voice/gut instinct.

If you have any doubts... stop.

No need to rush to live together surely...spend some time thinking about these red flags.
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Old 12-04-2012, 07:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

Before throwing the baby out with the bathwater, it merits a heart-to-heart about it, I think. If you really like this man, and he really likes you, perhaps he can adjust his schedule to make more room for you in his life. He probably isn't intentionally thinking to exclude you, and just doesn't realize the impact it has on you.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

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Originally Posted by GottaBePretty View Post
I met a wonderful man online. We've known each other for 17 months. He is serious about me. He wants me to move in with him when I'm ready and he says he wants to be with me forever. He has no bad habits like drinking, smoking, porn, etc. He doesn't even look at other woman in a sexual way, ever. He's a really great guy with a good job. However, his time is so limited. He works 6 days a week and 12 hours a day. This gives us very little time to be together. We live about 1 1/2 hours away by car from each other. I don't have a car because I live in the city where a car is not needed. He lives in the country so he has a car. In the beginning we spent more time together, but now we don't.

On top of work schedule he has his hobbies which I feel take away even more time. I keep telling him that it's ok to have hobbies, but he should spend less time on them because now he is in a relationship and we need to spend time as a couple. Some of his hobbies require him to go away for weekends and thereby making our time even more limited.

I know he values our relationship, but I feel we are missing the quality time needed. Am I being too selfish or should I give him his space? I know he works alot and likes to take some of his spare time to do his hobbies which he should, but sometimes I feel he has too much on his plate for me and our time is very limited.
Can you participate in his hobbies with him? Do you want to?

How do you travel to go see him? Or is it all on him to visit you?
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

It sounds like things are stacked against you right now.I was married to someone who placed his hobbies above time with me when our time together was severely limited as is.

The only thing you can do is try to join him in his hobbies.If you ask him to modify his schedule,he'll feel resentful eventually.Divide traveling fairly to make sure you're both making equal efforts to be together as well.I can almost guarantee he isn't going to be ok with cutting back on his activities to accommodate the relationship.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

I broke up with a serious boyfriend once because he was a sports addict. He cared more about sports than he did anything else including me.

I'm in the camp of what you see with men is what you get.

Pay attention to the red flags and act accordingly.

I have no regrets over dumping the guy who put me last. Moved on to find a guy who puts me first and I didn't have to force him to do it. When a man is into you he will forsake everything else to be with you. Anything less is settling. And I don't chase men.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't think dating is as serious as engagement or marriage.

You don't need to have a bad reason to break up with someone your dating. I'm sure you'll find another great man who wants to spend time with you.

My husband is a true family man, he spends a lot of time with the kids and I. We are his life, his whole world. He lets us know and shows us. I love affection and so does he, we are a perfect match. Neither one of us see each other as needy. We sit or lay together every single night during the week holding hands and on the weekends. He always has his arms around me. I love it and so does he.

If you break up and feel you made a mistake, if it was meant to be, you'd be together. Maybe you want to take a break to sort your feelings out just to make sure this is what you want.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GottaBePretty View Post
I met a wonderful man online. We've known each other for 17 months. He is serious about me. He wants me to move in with him when I'm ready and he says he wants to be with me forever. He has no bad habits like drinking, smoking, porn, etc. He doesn't even look at other woman in a sexual way, ever. He's a really great guy with a good job. However, his time is so limited. He works 6 days a week and 12 hours a day. This gives us very little time to be together. We live about 1 1/2 hours away by car from each other. I don't have a car because I live in the city where a car is not needed. He lives in the country so he has a car. In the beginning we spent more time together, but now we don't.

On top of work schedule he has his hobbies which I feel take away even more time. I keep telling him that it's ok to have hobbies, but he should spend less time on them because now he is in a relationship and we need to spend time as a couple. Some of his hobbies require him to go away for weekends and thereby making our time even more limited.

I know he values our relationship, but I feel we are missing the quality time needed. Am I being too selfish or should I give him his space? I know he works alot and likes to take some of his spare time to do his hobbies which he should, but sometimes I feel he has too much on his plate for me and our time is very limited.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I fell that there are two issues here: the present and the future. In the present context, if you feel that you need more time together, the the other posters have given some good suggestions- get involved in his hobby, do some of the travelling yourself too. You could rent a car every second or third weekend if you don't want to buy one yet. But you also need to consider what kind of future you two can have together. In several years time, do you think that being in a relationship, in a house, possibly with kids, you will be even more distressed at the lack of time? You may possibly be raising kids who rarely see their dad, do all the housework and be lonely when your partner is never around. that's an issue which needs to be addressed if you guys think you are getting serious. I wish you the best of luck
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
I broke up with a serious boyfriend once because he was a sports addict. He cared more about sports than he did anything else including me.

I'm in the camp of what you see with men is what you get.

Pay attention to the red flags and act accordingly.

I have no regrets over dumping the guy who put me last. Moved on to find a guy who puts me first and I didn't have to force him to do it. When a man is into you he will forsake everything else to be with you. Anything less is settling. And I don't chase men.
While this might be true in this instance, I think there are other issues at play. He works six 12 hour days. She notes that she does not have a car. I suspect that he is expected to drive the 3 hours there and back to see her. So my guess is that he sees a relationship where he has to sacrifice what little free time he has to do all the work to keep the relationship going by her definition.

GottaBe - If you really need this level of committment from him, then frankly he may not be the one for you through no fault of his own. His circumstance and location don't allow him to give you the time that you need.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

time together is crucial for a successful marriage. Crucial.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Breaking up because of not enough time together

We are both in our forties so we are not thinking about children. I go to see him via train so we both do the traveling. One of the things that concerns me is when I come up to see him and then he has plans and leaves me by myself. My thing is that I came up to see him and brought my children on top of that. He would just leave me in his house. He would either go for a motorcycle ride or tinkle with his car or help relatives/friends tinkle with their cars thereby leaving me alone for hours on a Saturday. I've talked to him about this and he says all he does is love me and that he doesn't hang around in bars with his friends, etc. so what is the problem. That he'll do anything for me.

He has told me that he doesn't understand this quality time thing. And he's honest and I know he truly doesn't understand. All he has done is love me and not do anything bad to me and he says he wants to take care of me. But this quality thing is something I need and he is not a bad guy at all.
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