General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I were married for 6 years and have 3 kids aged 7,4,&2-we seperated last september-we were going through a very volatile time-things were really bad between us and I dont think either of us knew how to fix it. We both got lawyers and were hell bent on destroying each other. Alot of hurtful things have happened in the past 10 months-we never even tried to reconcile or discuss anything. The other night I went to his house to talk and we ended up sleeping with each other (actually the first time we had physical contact) He told me he loved me and missed me (I was already having those feelings thats why i went there to talk to him) Now he is saying that it was a mistake. That it shouldn't have happened and the last thing he wants is to go "backwards". To be back the way we were, and he is afraid that will happen. I really want my family back together and Im terrified he won't see things the same. I don't know what to do. Any advice or someone that has been in the same situation?
Have you been to counseling, even if it doesn't get you two back together it could really help you get along and work through your issues since you will have to deal with each other for the kids. I wish you the best, divorce really brings out the worst in people so try taking a step back and not taking it personally and work on getting along again.
My husband and I were married for 6 years and have 3 kids aged 7,4,&2-we seperated last september-we were going through a very volatile time-things were really bad between us and I dont think either of us knew how to fix it. We both got lawyers and were hell bent on destroying each other. Alot of hurtful things have happened in the past 10 months-we never even tried to reconcile or discuss anything. The other night I went to his house to talk and we ended up sleeping with each other (actually the first time we had physical contact) He told me he loved me and missed me (I was already having those feelings thats why i went there to talk to him) Now he is saying that it was a mistake. That it shouldn't have happened and the last thing he wants is to go "backwards". To be back the way we were, and he is afraid that will happen. I really want my family back together and Im terrified he won't see things the same. I don't know what to do. Any advice or someone that has been in the same situation?
You would be wise to seek counseling to learn to let go of him. Your only going to set yourself up for misery to have any hope, more so after you slept with him and then he said it was a big mistake.
You should try to get help for your letting go and moving on... you'd be doing yourself a big favor.
Get the child support going and get your life going...
leave your ex out of it and move on, it sounds like he has.
I realize that he said he "thinks" it was a mistake. We have not had a chance to sot down and talk about things since it happened because of his work schedule and mine. And the boys, this isn't something we can reasonably have a conversation about with them in the room. I need to be able to change his outlook on this. I know it wasn't a mistake and deep down I don't think he does either. I know he misses me and I know he hates the situation. I know he hates not seeing the kids for days at a time. I know he wants to be back together but he doesn't want things to be the way they were, and neither do I. Is it possible to start fresh-to honestly forgive all that has happened? I just feel I am such a different person than I was then, and I want to show him that.
I realize that he said he "thinks" it was a mistake. We have not had a chance to sot down and talk about things since it happened because of his work schedule and mine. And the boys, this isn't something we can reasonably have a conversation about with them in the room. I need to be able to change his outlook on this. I know it wasn't a mistake and deep down I don't think he does either. I know he misses me and I know he hates the situation. I know he hates not seeing the kids for days at a time. I know he wants to be back together but he doesn't want things to be the way they were, and neither do I. Is it possible to start fresh-to honestly forgive all that has happened? I just feel I am such a different person than I was then, and I want to show him that.
I am sorry to tell you the harsh reality of life in that you cannnot change anyone.... or their outlook.
Are you sure all these things you think he feels are not wishful thinking? as... he did say it was a mistake to sleep together !
You may have to come to grips with the reality of the situation and for your own benefit it would be best for you to NOT ASSUME ANYTHING, ESPECCIALLY HOW HE FEELS !!!
He said today that he still loves me and wants nothing more than for us to be back together, but he just doesn't know if he can do it. I feel like I want to die, I'm just so lost.
He said today that he still loves me and wants nothing more than for us to be back together, but he just doesn't know if he can do it. I feel like I want to die, I'm just so lost.
I know and I'm so sorry
but heres the thing... you really NEED to start dealing with the reality of things, not the hope as you have kids to think about.
I'd hate to see you get more hurt and confused if the only reason he came back was to avoid MANDATORY CHILD SUPPORT... or some other thing you maybe don't even know about yet...
or all of a sudden fall in love with someone else. You have to protect your emotional health as well as have him partake in his parental responsibilites and NOT dump it all on you. Some men string this type of situation along so the woman will not go to court and get child support determined and set up through MANDATORY PAYMNENTS.... or they want to use the kids for taxes as long as they can ( to CLAIM THEM AS DEPENDENTS) OR THEY CANNOT OR DO NOT WANT TO ACCEPT THE CHILDREN EVERY OTHER WEEKEND, BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE OTHER PLANS... you just
never know.........
Protect yourself girl... deal with the reality of the situation and leave hope out of it for now.
You have heard the saying... better safe than sorry?
well your in one of those situations !!!
I wish you the best.. and that you make good, sensible choices based on fact... not hope.. and that you won't end up wanting to kick yourself in the butt for being so naive.
you have been seperated almost a year !!!!
it's time to look at things for what they are, not what you wish they were !
I don't know if I can live with myself. I feel like I made the biggest mistake leaving. I can't look at the kids without thinking about it-I can't sleep-I dream about him every night. I think I am losing my mind over this. I can't function. I feel like I am on the verge of a complete breakdown.
Preso-thank you so much for talking to me-we have already been to court and he has been making mandatory payments since January. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Preso-thank you so much for talking to me-we have already been to court and he has been making mandatory payments since January. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Your hurt and confused.. maybe a little scared too...
you will get much better when you start to see things as they are and not hope so much.. its the hope thats killing you. Pray and ask God to help you look forword.
No, I didn't have an affair. We just couldn't come to terms on alot of things. I was dealing with post-partum depression, I had either been nursing or pregnant for 32 out of the previous 36 months, we bought a house that needed re-habbed and were trying to live in it, alot of stressful things were happening at the time, and I didn't handle it well. I feel that I blamed alot on him that wasn't necessarily his fault, and I think it has take this long and being removed from out relationship and marriage to be able to look at the situation clearly and see what had really happened with us. I was insecure and controlling, but the more controlling i tried to be the more unhappy he was and it turned into a vicious cycle. I've been having these feelings about him for the past three months or so, and only now have I been able to discuss it with him and the first time I went over to talk to him about it-we slept together, and now this-he says he loves me and wants nothing more for our family to be back together but he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.
No, I didn't have an affair. We just couldn't come to terms on alot of things. I was dealing with post-partum depression, I had either been nursing or pregnant for 32 out of the previous 36 months, we bought a house that needed re-habbed and were trying to live in it, alot of stressful things were happening at the time, and I didn't handle it well. I feel that I blamed alot on him that wasn't necessarily his fault, and I think it has take this long and being removed from out relationship and marriage to be able to look at the situation clearly and see what had really happened with us. I was insecure and controlling, but the more controlling i tried to be the more unhappy he was and it turned into a vicious cycle. I've been having these feelings about him for the past three months or so, and only now have I been able to discuss it with him and the first time I went over to talk to him about it-we slept together, and now this-he says he loves me and wants nothing more for our family to be back together but he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.
Hi, I sure feel a lot of sympathy for you. These are terrible decisions for anyone to make at any time in their life. I really hesitate to make glib recommendations like some people do, because everyone's situation is different, and we only know what you can post here on this little board.
But in your situation, you were both under INCREDIBLE stress, with post-partum depression and rehabbing mixed in! I am not shocked or surprised that either of you wanted out of THAT situation, that sounds like a mini-hell on earth! EVERYONE gets weird and out of control when they are put in situations like that especially when you are still trying to figure out how to deal with jobs, raising kids and all the rest!
BUT with the trauma of that nasty divorce between you it will be damned hard to patch things back up. Both of you have to be extremely careful before diving back into anything, I'd advise separation and cooling off period, THEN maybe talk about it? Of course, counseling is advised for both of you.
You sound as if you are in the situation my dh and I were in 16 years ago.
We were in court three years, fighting over a 2 yo and 4 yo. We didn't have your 7 yo, but I had a 14 yo from previous marriage. We'd been married 5 years.
When your dh slept with you and said he "didn't want things to be back the way they were..." he likely means all the turmoil and your controlling, etc.
In your circumstances, with the three young children, I believe I would ask for a "reconciliation". This is what I did, for my kids. You two were under SUCH stressful conditions, I think you two need to go into reconciliation-mediation counseling. You need to offer to CHANGE your issues, which you admit you have.
I think your marriage is worth saving, and knowing men in this situation as I do, your dh WANTS to come back, but is afraid that things won't change with you and him.
I think a good marriage counselor would be able to salvage your marriage.
Have you been able to talk with him and tell him you'd like to try and date? We started by dating again. You two need lots of alone time to talk and get you two back on center again.
Start figuring out how to eliminate stressors one at a time. You have three BIG stressors, that cannot be eliminated, the kids. So you two make a list of the things that are stressors, then work out ways to CHANGE those to non-stressors.
You would be surprised the things you can change to make this work. I hope he can do it. I just have an intuitive feeling you two can work this out.
How can I deal with not "getting" him back? 
