emotional affair

gates · 06-20-2009, 11:04 PM

I need some answers on how to get past an emotional affair. my wife is in one right now and I am desperate for answers

Dark Angel · 06-20-2009, 11:20 PM

Its kinda hard to recommend much with so little information.

Do you really believe you can forgive her?
Is she onboard with this?
Has she identified why she did this?
Have you?
Are you planning on getting any help with this?
Do you think she would do it again?
How old are you/ how long married / kids?

Lets start there and see what we can do.

gates · 06-20-2009, 11:21 PM

Dark angel, read the thread insight needed

Dark Angel · 06-20-2009, 11:32 PM

OK

what a mess. I feel for you.

You still need to answer my questions as best you can.

That really sucks as your marriage is in jeopardy as well as your business.

Thats a heavy load my friend.

gates · 06-20-2009, 11:53 PM

first i am 32 and i have one daughter. We both have identified what caused this. I had a problem of not being there for her during emotional times in her life. I was not as sensitive to her feelings as I needed to be. Then she came to me and told me what was wrong and at first I could not see it. when i finally realized it was about 6 months later. It had not escalated to where it is now and I was changing to meet her needs. Then it seemed everything i did was not working or making things worse. We went to a counselor and he told us to identify the problem and start there trying to work it out. Well I thought I knew the problem and was trying to work at it. That was about 2 months ago. Now I am told 2 nights ago that she has feelings for my best friend and business partner. Now i know why my efforts failed. She and I confronted him and she wanted him to tell me that he has admitted feelings for her as well. he totally denied anything and lied about mostly everything to mine and her face.

Dark Angel · 06-21-2009, 12:10 AM

OK thats a bit better. I know its hard to open up about things to strangers, and you probably dont want to make your wife look bad, but its kind of essential to give you any reasonable advice.

Question is are you willing and capable of forgiving her. Thats what yo have to deicde.

If so, can she forgive herself? is she willing to work on your problems together?

How did the councelling go? Did you feel like there was any progess? Did you feel your councellor was any good? Why did you stop going?

Are you willing to separate from her for awhile so she can sort out what she wants? Sometimes thats what it takes to get back on track when one party wont play ball so to speak.

Your story kinda parallels mine in a few ways (except the affair, I cant prove that yet). My wife left me because I didnt listen to what she needed. Now I'm in limbo waiting to see what she wants to do. be prepared to be in that situation as well. Things wont get better overnight.

Hang in there man, you just gotta focus on whats best for you and your daughter in the end.

Take care

Rhea · 06-21-2009, 12:17 AM

Eeks, tough situation being that a mutual friend is involved...one thing I can say is that the communication w/the mutual friend needs to be cut in order for her to focus on ya'lls relationship. Because she has admitted said feelings for him she can't move away from them whilst still in contact w/him at the moment.

gates · 06-21-2009, 12:42 AM

I am willing to do what is necessary to make this work. Do I need to just back off and let her deal with this alone? I have had some say a separation may help and some say not to because it could open a door for something else

Terran007 · 06-21-2009, 12:44 AM

Gates, why didn't you just keep one thread about the subject? This back and forth makes it more difficult for people to help you out.

JDPreacher · 06-22-2009, 08:20 AM

How can you get past something that is currently happening?

EAs can turn to PAs...what you need to do is not focus on her having one...but why she is...what is missing...usually for a woman she is seeking out something emotionally that she isn't getting from her husband.

Talk to her and try and find out what's lacking...

Preacher

melancholyman · 06-22-2009, 10:30 AM

In my case, I asked for the separation, with the understanding that she would sort out what she needed, and come back together to work on keeping the family together.

Turns out, she loved her newfound "freedom" and wanted the separation to be permanent. We're getting divorced, even though in recent weeks, we've been getting along very well and even toying with the idea of trying again (but still remaining separate and divorced).

I'm only saying this because you should be aware of what COULD happen should you choose separation.

I think it's better to stay together and hammer it out (especially when there are children involved), but when a woman makes her mind up about who she wants to give her heart to, she kinda has to run her course, and there's not much the man can do about it. If he loves her enough, he'll let her know that he'll be waiting. And he has to forgive, sincerely, if she decides to come back.

This is her ball game. All you can do is make suggestions. By the time a relationship deteriorates to the point that one is having an affair, their mind is made up, and the other can't fathom how the hammer fell so hard and so fast.

Believe this, and I'm speaking from experience; that other guy...? He WILL NOT be "the one". The fantasy will quickly implode upon itself, and she's going to have to decide whether she wants to come back to you or try again with someone else.