General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have my own **** to improve in my marriage as we all do. However, one thing I have never done is threatened to my spouse I want a divorce. To me if you say it, you better F'ing mean it cause it doesn't feel good at all as you know. When I asked my spouse if sh emeant it she said yes at the time she did but after she cooled off she wanted to stay together again. Like I told her I am not a toy, say what you mean and mean what you say and we all should be thinking before we speak so we limit the amount of times we all hurt each other........
This sounds very similar to my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have always been close. However, the relationship has been turbulent. We have been under financial strain because my husband set up his own business, he's an entrepreneur, and the economy is tough. I'm a full-time student but have my own money that I saved from when I was working a few years ago.
Recently, my husband dropped the bombshell on me and asked for a divorce as well. He then said he wanted a trial separation. I am from another country and have no relatives here so have nowhere to go whereas he has his family. Of course this was very devastating to me so I can understand how you feel. All I can say is try to be patient and understand of his situation. Try to find out the reason behind his anger and frustration at you, i.e. the primary conflict. If this cannot be resolved the conflict will return. My husband was angry with me for simply talking to him. He wanted to be left alone and I cannot even talk to him anymore without him getting angry and verbally abusive. We also sleep in separate rooms, his choice, he sleeps on the couch (this has been going on for a long time) since we live in a tiny one bedroomed apartment and have a lack of space from one another. This hurts me as I really miss the physical side of our relationship. I cannot remember the last time we made love. However, patience and understanding is what is required because our husbands are most likely under stress related to work and this can put a real strain on a relationship.
I hope this helped you and that you feel not so alone.
He might have said it because he was stress and frustrated and mad, but you are correct in thinking those things just dont come out of the blue. Which means he has been thinking about this for a while just waiting for the right time to tell you. SO the whole time you are talking about whatever the situation was, HE was thinking omg, do i say it now, no this is not that kind of fight, and He WASNT listening to what you were saying SO that is why he was suggesting things you already had said you tired. and then got more frustrated when you pointed this out AND finally just said what was going on in his head anyways....
so the thing is, does it matter? You already know how he feels or at least thinking about getting a divorce, does it matter how it came out and why? not really. do you want to save your marriage and not get a divorce? then you need to start addressing that issue and find out the reason he feels that way to begin with.
I wouldnt start by saying why did you say you wanted a divorce the other day when we were arguing about whatevetr it was....that puts him on the defense and uneasy because he did not want to say it yet. I think you need to start with, you are unhappy about something, what is it, can i help with it, is it something i done.
my friend suggested this game, you say I am unhappy about......
and he fills in the blank. Each of you get to start a sentence that the other one needs to fill in the blank. i dont know is not an answer. And after that you try being more positive, i have a good life because..... or i am happy because.......
I have my own **** to improve in my marriage as we all do. However, one thing I have never done is threatened to my spouse I want a divorce. To me if you say it, you better F'ing mean it cause it doesn't feel good at all as you know. When I asked my spouse if sh emeant it she said yes at the time she did but after she cooled off she wanted to stay together again. Like I told her I am not a toy, say what you mean and mean what you say and we all should be thinking before we speak so we limit the amount of times we all hurt each other........
I totally agree with you. I will never say something as hurtful to anyone. It's just cruel if you don't mean it.
This sounds very similar to my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have always been close. However, the relationship has been turbulent. We have been under financial strain because my husband set up his own business, he's an entrepreneur, and the economy is tough. I'm a full-time student but have my own money that I saved from when I was working a few years ago.
Recently, my husband dropped the bombshell on me and asked for a divorce as well. He then said he wanted a trial separation. I am from another country and have no relatives here so have nowhere to go whereas he has his family. Of course this was very devastating to me so I can understand how you feel. All I can say is try to be patient and understand of his situation. Try to find out the reason behind his anger and frustration at you, i.e. the primary conflict. If this cannot be resolved the conflict will return. My husband was angry with me for simply talking to him. He wanted to be left alone and I cannot even talk to him anymore without him getting angry and verbally abusive. We also sleep in separate rooms, his choice, he sleeps on the couch (this has been going on for a long time) since we live in a tiny one bedroomed apartment and have a lack of space from one another. This hurts me as I really miss the physical side of our relationship. I cannot remember the last time we made love. However, patience and understanding is what is required because our husbands are most likely under stress related to work and this can put a real strain on a relationship.
I hope this helped you and that you feel not so alone.
Did the patience and understanding help you in your marriage this far?
Do you know what made him want a divorce in the first place?
Wow. I would take that personally. But remember even if you do you don't always have to show it. Stay strong in his face. I totally agree that there is more he is not telling you. He sounds so much like my H.. And when I got down to it (both times) and made my breakthrough (both times) it was someone else.. I hate to put things in your head but thats what this sounds like. Let him feel guilty. He should. Maybe without hearing you complain and without the arguing he can see you're truely hurting. I'm saying this with my glass half full... lol
Mine would reject me when he was seeing others. He brought it up in a recent argument the other night that I could initiate sometime. I had to explain that it's really hard to bring myself to do it since I had been rejected in the past so much. It takes a lot. It's not easy to get passed. I totally understand your hurt, confusion and frustration.
Keep trying and continue to remain calm and not blow up. It's hard cuz I bet you want to scream but that will only end bad... Once you know whats going on you will feel better knowing and be more ready take the next steps.
Thank you for sharing. It just goes to show that someone doesn't just display such behaviour without reason.
He might have said it because he was stress and frustrated and mad, but you are correct in thinking those things just dont come out of the blue. Which means he has been thinking about this for a while just waiting for the right time to tell you. SO the whole time you are talking about whatever the situation was, HE was thinking omg, do i say it now, no this is not that kind of fight, and He WASNT listening to what you were saying SO that is why he was suggesting things you already had said you tired. and then got more frustrated when you pointed this out AND finally just said what was going on in his head anyways....
so the thing is, does it matter? You already know how he feels or at least thinking about getting a divorce, does it matter how it came out and why? not really. do you want to save your marriage and not get a divorce? then you need to start addressing that issue and find out the reason he feels that way to begin with.
I wouldnt start by saying why did you say you wanted a divorce the other day when we were arguing about whatevetr it was....that puts him on the defense and uneasy because he did not want to say it yet. I think you need to start with, you are unhappy about something, what is it, can i help with it, is it something i done.
my friend suggested this game, you say I am unhappy about......
and he fills in the blank. Each of you get to start a sentence that the other one needs to fill in the blank. i dont know is not an answer. And after that you try being more positive, i have a good life because..... or i am happy because.......
sometimes it workes.
He doesn't seem to want to share what is bothering him. I asked if there is something he is unhappy about, but he insists that there is nothing and that he didn't mean it. The fact is that our marriage is not in a good state - I guess I am the unhappy one now.
There is always a method to the madness and my H never talked about his feelings. instead he kept them bottled up and hs resentment came out in a form of hurtful sarcasm and cutting remarks that ate away at my self-worth.
There has to be a way to get that man to open up. How was the communication when you first got married?
There is always a method to the madness and my H never talked about his feelings. instead he kept them bottled up and hs resentment came out in a form of hurtful sarcasm and cutting remarks that ate away at my self-worth.
There has to be a way to get that man to open up. How was the communication when you first got married?
It was always great. We used to discuss a problem until both were happy. I truly don't know when this changed.
I must add - since the incident in the shower, he has made a complete turnaround. He is helpful with the children, he is patient with me, he tries to make conversation and are very affectionate towards me. I don't know what to make of it. Is it the guilt or is he sincere I wonder?
I must add - since the incident in the shower, he has made a complete turnaround. He is helpful with the children, he is patient with me, he tries to make conversation and are very affectionate towards me. I don't know what to make of it. Is it the guilt or is he sincere I wonder?
Not at all. I know that you said that I should keep on trying, but find it very difficult to do. I can't get myself so far. I truly can't handle another rejection - at least not now. I know this is childish, but I really don't want to. I'd rather leave it in his hands now to see how long it is going to take him to initiate. Is that a bad idea?
So today I am back more confused than before. It has been months since the "I want a divorce today" incident and well things went back to "normal" for a while. I've been through the "what's wrong? why don't you want to have sex? What am I doing wrong?.
The answer first was that he is tired. The next was that he is a morning person. I left it there.
Last week I asked him "So, are we going to fool around?" and he said "Yes, of coarse". But he thought I had left the room and I saw him throwing a tantrum because he had to have sex with me. I really thought the shower thing was the most humiliating moment, but this one was the winner by far.
This is why I pushed to get an answer and it came out: Sex with me is an effort. Certain things that I do is a turnoff for him and has been for the past 10 years. Its me. I asked him why he never just told me "Hey, I don't like it if you do that" and I would've changed it in a heartbeat and he said that he thought that things would get better on its own.
Today, I feel like giving up. Yes he told me what's really going on (I think). I am so devastated and humilitated.
Obviously there are some obsticles here. You both need to get together as a couple more and have more "fun" time together and not just day to day "stress" time.
Sex is important and that can start with hopping in the shower with him or just starting with some touching or stroking to establish intimacy.
Also start scheduling some "dates". Find some things you two can do that you both enjoy. Even if it's just a dvd or a regular show you can share each week after your child goes to bed. You both need some time to bond again as a couple.
Yes the divorce comment is hard to ignore, but if you keep focusing on it, it will become a reality. Instead focus on making the relationship better.
Sorry, I didn't read all the posts. The sex issue is a tough one. Now you probably feel awful.
Why if you two tried kind of starting over with sex? Promise you both must be honest with each other about what you like and dislike. Then spend some time just getting to know each other's body. No pressure that there must be "the final act" but just some time exploring each other and saying what feels good.
Do this after an evening out together doing something fun and enjoyable so this won't feel like work....but rather an extension of a pleasant time together.
Re: Husband dropped a bombshell on me 
