General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So here is my story:
We've had a pretty solid marriage so far. Had our ups and downs like any couple, but managed to always stay respectful and loving toward each other.
For the past year we have encountered financial problems which lead to arguments. There are always stress in our lives with his work and mine, long hours etc.
One thing I could always count on was my husband, but that all changed in a single sentence.
Out of the blue while we were arguing again, he just blurted out "I want a divorce - today!". A few minutes later he told me that he didn't mean it and only said it because he was angry and frustrated.
After two days of really being sad, I told him that I will try to put this behind me, but I truly can't. I've tried. I can't even think past the end of the year without thinking "Oh, but he doesn't want me, so why should I make long term plans?".
Am I being stupid for feeling this way? How do I forgive him and how do I believe him that he didn't mean it. The fact is that he lied one of the two times. How do I know which one was the truth?
We were arguing about him being impatient and high maintanance while we had a huge crisis to try to solve. He was actually not contributing anything but stress to the situation and I told him that we don't have time now to deal with his mood - we have a crisis.
I wonder - something like this doesn't just pop out of nowhere if it wasn't in your mind, does it?
I wonder - something like this doesn't just pop out of nowhere if it wasn't in your mind, does it?
Correct. And your answer above does not really go to the heart of the matter. What is he most upset about? What specifically does high maintenance refer too?
I don't know what he is unhappy about. He doesn't communicate his feelings to me. At that moment he was upset because our son (5 years old) interrupted him while he was talking and he threw a tantrum about that - things escalated from there. He said that he wasn't informed of all the details regarding the problem, which he was. I had to explain everything 4 times. He suggested alternatives which I told him a few times I already tried and didn't work, but he didn't believe me and was wasting time to prove me wrong somehow. He chose not to get involved in the first place and did nothing to resolve it and at number 99 he wasn't helping, but infact fighting. That didn't help at all and I was running out of time.
What I meant by high maintenance - he wanted to go through the whole routine of "then you said this", "no you never told me that" back and forth and going nowhere until I give up and say I'm sorry. I didn't have time for it.
BTW - he's always upset about something. Today he'll be upset because I woke him infront of the TV to go to bed. The other day he will be upset because I don't give him enough space. There's always something.
Hunni, that sounds exactly like my husband! He is a major stressball, dropped tht "I don't want to be married" bomb May 20 this year. I wnted to work things out but he was adamant about it, he quit us.
He never communicated his feelings and always played the blame game which slowly tore apart my self-esteem.
He never listened to me and rolled his eyes at me constantly.
Was it the first time he ever mentioned this to you?
yes, I never saw it coming. I suspected something was wrong but never expected him to say he didn't love me anymore or wanted to end the marriage.
We just got my passport at the end of March, we talked about going to Italy. The entire month of April was normal, when May hit everything went downhill.
So I suppose given all that, that the intimacy between the two of you is infrequent?
Yes - We have discussed this in the past and nothing changed. It's always something stress, tired, kids, sickness. I've given up on that. If someone wants to be with you, they will. It's not for me to tell someone that they should "want" to be with me.
I don't want a "okay I'll do it just to please you then" situation.
Who used to do most of the initiation? Has sex stopped altogether.
Sex happens when he wants it - that's about once a month if I'm lucky. He has communicated to me that he is too tired in the evenings when I try to initiate. He gets up at 4:30 in the mornings and leave for work before we wake up - that seems to be the time that suits him, but he never wakes me.
Also - We both prefer to shower first if we plan to have sex and he will make sure not to shower and if I initiate it's like "Oh, I would have to go and shower first" and I would tell him "nevermind" and he'll say "are you sure". So I gather he's not really in the mood then.
Also - We both prefer to shower first if we plan to have sex and he will make sure not to shower and if I initiate it's like "Oh, I would have to go and shower first" and I would tell him "nevermind" and he'll say "are you sure". So I gather he's not really in the mood then.
Two things strike me.
1) You need to get him into the habit of sex. Don't say nevermind in these circumstances. Instead, see it as a little game: Say, OK get a shower, I'm hot to trot!" and see where it gets you. Belive you me, if the situation were reversed, and it was him wanting sex, he would badger you non-stop (well that's what I'm like anyway ). Men can take a lot more stick than you're giving him. If you can gradually get him into a routine of expecting sex more often, it will warm up the rest of your marriage. You must try this more than once. A knock back is to be expected. If he knocks you back 5 times out of 5 - then something else is going on.
2)You don't appear to understand his mental state very well. All the answers you have given me are very vague. In his mind, he knows exactly why he is withdrawn. It's up to you to learn his inner language. Read this: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library
2)You don't appear to understand his mental state very well. All the answers you have given me are very vague. In his mind, he knows exactly why he is withdrawn. It's up to you to learn his inner language. Read this: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library
That web page changed my marriage.
Thank you very much for taking time to address my problems. You know how desperate someone is to turn to strangers for advice on a relationship they know nothing about? I understand that you can only ask questions to encourage me to find more answers, but the answer simply lies with him. If he doesn't communicate his feelings, why should I read his body language and guess what he is thinking? Assumptions in our marriage only leads to more arguments.
I have taken this "I want a divorce" very personal and real. He said that he didn't mean it. I don't believe him. How do you say something like that and don't mean it.
I want to talk this through with him, but can predict the outcome before hand. I would have to make peace with it anyway because he just keep op saying he didn't mean it - he takes no responsibility for anything - not even his own words. How can we try to discuss the reason he is unhappy if he doesn't acknowledge it in the first place?
Husband dropped a bombshell on me 
). Men can take a lot more stick than you're giving him. If you can gradually get him into a routine of expecting sex more often, it will warm up the rest of your marriage. You must try this more than once. A knock back is to be expected. If he knocks you back 5 times out of 5 - then something else is going on.
