General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
How do you go about deciding who does what around the house?
I feel like I'm stuck doing most of the work. We both work full time. She has a typical 9-5 job where as I work as a paramedic doing a shifts of 24 hrs on and 48 hrs off. I kinda see why most of the house work falls on me as I only work 10 days out of the month.
I don't mind the cooking and the major cleaning but its getting old to leave for work and have dishes in the sink only to come home the next morning with more dishes. And its like that even on her days off. I've gone as far as to do laundry and leave her stuff in the dryer. After a few days of waiting I finally put it away.
Its been like this for our entire marriage of a year and a half. When she was with her mom she cleaned up after herself out side of her room which was a disaster.
How should I go about talking to her about this? I work 48 - 72 hours a week. I'd like to come home and play some video games and sleep while shes at work not clean.
well I think you need to sit down and discuss this with your wife.
My wife can be a slob, she doesn't pick up after herself.
but she will vacum the pool and mow the lawn sometimes, so it is a catch 22.
Maybe for the dishes you run them at night time while your sleeping, you rotate who puts them away each morning or every other, keep the dishwasher empty so when you do eat something you Clean them off and stick them in, then run it when you go to bed.
Same with Wash, run 1 load every 2 days since there is two of you, come home from work, stick it in the wash, play your game, when done stick it in the Dryer, play your game, when it's done, take them out fold them put them away.
work it out, marriage is teamwork, so is cleaning the house when both spouses work.
You definitely have to have a talk and divide the chores amongst the two of you. Also make sure it is understood and agreed upon how often each chore should be done. It doesn't work if she decides she will do the dusting and then only does it once a month. As Snix suggested above...make a list of chores and what their frequency should be and then decide who gets what.
Or....what my husband learned very early in our marriage....hire a housekeeper to come in once every-other week to do the heavy cleaning. THAT will definitely keep you happily married
I stopped "keeping score" of who does what around the house and my life has been so much saner. If I see something that needs doing, I do it. I told my husband this is my new strategy, and he started doing the same thing. Some days I do all the (daily) chores, other days, I find he's already cleaned the catbox and watered my tomatoes before I could do them. Sure, sometimes I feel a twinge of resentment that I'm yet again doing more work, but it goes away when I realize that if I want him to do a specific thing, all I have to do is ask.
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Re: How Do you divide the housework?
We only have a couple of stead fast rules in house keeping. She cleans the bathrooms (her choice) I mow the lawn and run the snow blower. The only other rule is that if she cooks the meal, I do the dishes and clean up the kitchen and visa versa. That may not work for you since you are working such different shifts. Dishes don’t stay in the sink for any reason. We cook about 50/50. Laundry is done as needed by which ever of us. We will generally take a couple of hours on the weekend for general pick up and vacuuming as well as the kids chores. I agree with Leah that you shouldn’t keep score but it sounds as if your wife is not holding her end up. Sit down and draw up some guidelines you can both agree on. Then make sure you both follow through with it and discuss things when they skew. If she was sloppy when you married it is unlikely you will make a neat freak out of her but she can do better. Good luck to you both.
I believe this is a common marital issue, but one I do not have. I actually enjoy helping out around the house and we share similar views on household cleanliness. Even though she works ~30% of the hours I do for pay, I'd say we are equally busy people and enjoy the same amount of free time.
As far as the division of labor goes, I have taken on more lately b/c she is stressed out. Yes, we have a "list", but we also feel free to take on each other's assignments. She grocery shops and does the major weekly house cleaning. I got the lawn and the laundry. We share in meal prep. This changes week to week b/c of my schedule. We also share in meal set-up and clean up for every meal. Also, we both pick up after all the household resisdents (adults, kids and pets) on a daily basis.
One lesson I have learned is not to criticize or expect chores to be done one "right" way (like I was raised). So if my wife reloads the dishwasher after I have filled it, I let it go - that's her issue not mine! And we don't nag each other about this stuff.
So I agree, work it out via compromise or negotiation which ever suits you 2.
We came up with a list of chores we don't mind doing and divied it up.
For the last few years he is in charge of keeping the living room and dining room picked up and vacuums at least once a week. He washes and dries all clothes. He also does all the outside work and car maitenence.
I cook, clean the kitchen and bathrooms and bedrooms and fold the laundry and put it away.
This has worked out pretty well for us and both of us, and on occasion we will do the others chores to help out.
I work full time, and with travel time to/from work, I'm gone for 11-12 hours a day.
My wife does 95% of the housework, I help out as much as I can at home, but typically she has most of it done when I get there. So all I get to help with is dishes after dinner, or help/play with the kids and get them ready for bed.
If she worked full time as well, I know we'd split it more 50/50, but she just gets most of it done before I even get home from work.
My dh is gone 16-18 days a month. I do EVERYTHING in our home: all inside AND outside chores, bill paying, child rearing, car maintenance, home repairs. I am a couple all rolled into one. If I could f myself I'd likely be doing that for him too...
DH must be the pig in the family because when he arrives back home for his 3-5 day "visits" the place is a wreck when he is here: Counters and tables become trashed and covered with his crap, he leaves clothes in the floor a foot from the hamper, he fries BACON and hashbrowns on the stove and doesn't clean up the GREASE. He leaves dishes in the SINK, even though I remind him constantly "I have emptied the dishwasher, the maid doesn't load the dishes...". He WILL chop and make salad, but only enough for ONE person - him. He will do laundry but he doesn't SEE any one else's laundry in the basket, only HIS laundry he has hauled back from overseas trips; and he leaves that in the washer or dryer and just seems to forget about it until the day he is to leave once again. He doesn't do grocery shopping, except when he goes to get his ice cream, chips, Oreos, Cokes, salsa, cheese dip and cigarettes.
Am SO glad he lives elsewhere for his job. Had he not been gone at LEAST 70% of our 27 year relationship, either we'd be divorced ten years ago, or he'd be a dead man.
Wow...all I can say it bravo. Your wife should be very happy with you. My husband and I have been married for ten years. He works full time and I work 30 to 40 hours a week too. He puts the garbage by the road once a week and pays the bills. That's it...except for doing his own laundry. He really thinks he's a big help. Sarcasm aside. I can relate. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but all I can really do is let you know you aren't alone....there are others like you with the same problem. Hang in there.
I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation. I do about 75% of stuff around here, and I am usually pretty happy with it bc I am a control freak, and I like being "in charge" of many things, I think I do a better job of it. But from time to time I become resentful. The hubby wants to relax after a day of work, as do I, but I also don't want to let things pile up (until they stink) or until I am spending all weekend doing chores and errands instead of enjoying my two days off doing something fun. He will only help out when he knows I am mad or is afraid I am going to get mad. Here is the real problem: men need to be appreciated, so they expect appreciation when they are helping YOU out, but they shouldn't get any because they are simply doing their share. In order to keep them helping out we have to give them accolades for simpling doing as much as or less than we do. So where is our appreciation??? That's what I always get hung up on. Overworked, underappreciated, and battling with my inner self on whether or not I should thank him. I just wish it were the other way around sometime, that they would thank us for taking such good care of them and their house their home, their families... When he does help out, I never complain about the way it gets done, beggers can't be choosers. As long as it gets done. So the delima continues. I guess I have myself to blame, that I volunteered to be "in charge" of things and now I am overwhelmed. So from the very beginning of our marriages, we need to determine how things will get done, and how the man views housework, etc. Observe how his mother is, he is likely to expect the same from his wife.
I would also suggest taking the time to talk to your wife and divide things up in a way that is mutually acceptable...keep negotiating until both of you are okay with the result. However, I would bear in mind one thing: I believe it's pretty common for both people in a marriage to feel like, "I do all the work and s/he sits around!" In a way this is part of marriage--giving more than feels like is fair or working when you're tired.
Also, if you can surrender two things you'll feel a lot more happy: 1) keeping score of who's doing more and 2) who "should be" doing which chores. For example, maybe your wife just LOVES doing the outside "man chores" and doesn't like the indoor chores. If you can let go of who should be doing this or that chore, maybe you can come up with a way of dividing it that works for you. AND different things work for different people!
For example, my Dear Hubby and I are a little unusual. I am the main breadwinner, and he works part-time and stays home with the children. I do the vacuuming and steam cleaning, the mowing, and cleaning the bathroom. He does the dinners, the dishes, and the "miscellaneous" laundry (like towels). We decided to each do our own laundry and bedrooms--including the kids! Common areas we all pick up together. Soooo...it's different but it works for us and we are all okay with it!
In summary, reach a joint agreement with your wife, be creative, and let go of a few things.
This is something you both need to talk about. If you're okay with the situation, then keep doing what you're doing (and your wife should count her lucky stars!) But if you're not or if you just want to get some appreciation for your hard work, then sit her down and chat about it.
Writing the jobs down and choosing for each of you from there sounds good. That way you can both see everything that NEEDS to be done and pick things that are more up your alley (or at least not as bad as another job on the list!)
Nip it in the bud and carry on with the fun stuff!
How Do you divide the housework? 
If I could f myself I'd likely be doing that for him too...
on the stove and doesn't clean up the GREASE. He leaves dishes in the SINK, even though I remind him constantly "I have emptied the dishwasher, the maid doesn't load the dishes...". He WILL chop and make salad, but only enough for ONE
person - him. He will do laundry but he doesn't SEE any one else's laundry in the basket, only HIS laundry he has hauled back from overseas trips; and he leaves that in the washer or dryer and just seems to forget about it until the day he is to leave once again. He doesn't do grocery shopping, except when he goes to get his ice cream, chips, Oreos, Cokes, salsa, cheese dip and cigarettes.
