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Old 12-16-2012, 11:33 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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Originally Posted by sharonND View Post
And, i originally tried to set a price limit for him and he of course said the limit i gave wasnt reasonable for the type of car he wants. He wants to spend about 10 to 15k more than the limit i sent. he also has been shopping for cars even though i said no. If i give in and let him get a car now, he will continue to not listen to anything i say.
I don't want to make a problem where there isn't one, but do you know why he wants this car so bad? Is it his nature to do this? Any chance he might be trying to impress someone?

T
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:30 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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You can care but choose a different way to show it.
Please elaborate. For example, I told him not to do something very specific and he did it anyway and tried to hide it from me. I know i dont have to yell or scream or act crazy, but i mean, enough is enough already. He doesnt want me being dishonest and doing whatever i want but yet once in a while hes going to do it?

The idea of divorce and being alone is hard to swallow, but so is hitting your head against a brick wall everyday. I cannot hold all of this stuff inside forever. All things eventually break. He thinks this is just a little argument and we are back to normal but hes wrong.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:32 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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I don't want to make a problem where there isn't one, but do you know why he wants this car so bad? Is it his nature to do this? Any chance he might be trying to impress someone?

T
Yes, he is trying to impress his peers. It's stupid if you ask me.
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:36 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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I really need advice. I am constantly thinking about divorce. I cannot stand my husband. He is too intense, bossy and plain crazy. All he ever wants to do is work. He has now started obsessing about buying a luxury vehicle even though I said no. He basically is planning to buy it anyway. Its like hes having a midlife crisis. We also work together and he just doesnt care about anything other than his own personal wants and desires. I am embarrassed because we dont do anything other than work 95% time and people are always telling me its just too much and we need a break but he refuses to listen. He is just adamant about getting to where he wants to be in life and is working me to death to get there.

I hate to complain about working all the time but i have no connection with him. I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.

Aside from always demanding we work, hes arrogant, insensitive and plain mean. He has told me if we were to break up he'd never get married again because he feels women are crazy. Well i think hes crazy and i cant imagine many women who would want my life. Theres no point in buying or having nice things if you have no where to wear it to. I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.
You know what? So many are giving advice about things to try to work this out, but if you do NOT LIKE someone, you will NEVER be in love with them! I see no reason to be around someone whom you cannot stand, who causes you pain and stress, regardless if they are spouse, parent, cousin, etc. I hope that you are able to work out a plan to get yourself out of this.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:16 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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I stay because staying is less complicated. Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty.
The last sentence sounds quite disturbing and threatening. The question you should ask yourself is does this man really need a wife ? or does he want a manager in a key position , a position only a trusted person can be given, who he can bully, threaten and be arrogant and bossy with, with the assurance in the back of his mind, that this person will never dare to leave ?


The real question is do you want to continue to be that person ?
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:40 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

Once the true dislike rears its ugly head, it's hard to find the love again especially if your H is not trying to change or listen.

In the wedding vows is should say:

Do you promise to love and cherish the person before you today for the rest of your life? IF, however, they turn into an arsehole somewhere in the future, you get a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card.

They should have that.
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Old 12-20-2012, 04:18 PM   #37 (permalink)
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To the OP.

Would buying an expensive car matter to you if he showed you more love and respect?

I see this as a control issue. You don't like how he treats you which is totally reasonable given what you wrote, but at the same time you seem to think you have the ability to forbid him to do certain things like the car purhcase. My point being is that once a marriage gets to the point where one spouse thinks they have the right to forbid the other from doing stuff the marriage has long since been over. There is one certain outcome when you forbid an adult or child to do something. They will go out and do it. I would seriously reconsider your strategy. Get a new job and let him handle his business . You need to regain some balance in your life but it takes courage to do this on your own.
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:25 AM   #38 (permalink)
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To the OP.

Would buying an expensive car matter to you if he showed you more love and respect?

I see this as a control issue. You don't like how he treats you which is totally reasonable given what you wrote, but at the same time you seem to think you have the ability to forbid him to do certain things like the car purhcase. My point being is that once a marriage gets to the point where one spouse thinks they have the right to forbid the other from doing stuff the marriage has long since been over. There is one certain outcome when you forbid an adult or child to do something. They will go out and do it. I would seriously reconsider your strategy. Get a new job and let him handle his business . You need to regain some balance in your life but it takes courage to do this on your own.
When you say "you need to regain some balance..." what do you mean exactly?

In a marriage, if someone wants a 50k car, it affects both parties. What is buying the car means we wont have enough money to pay our bills? Are you saying as a spouse I should allow one partner to financially destroy the houseshold? As the saying goes, once the money goes, so does the woman. Without money there's no need to even wake up and hear his voice.

This is not just his money, it is our money. I understand the point of what you are saying but how else would you have it? We are not rich and therefore should not be buying 50k cars.
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:57 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

I didn't say you were wrong about the expensive car. It would piss me off as well. I buy used cars for that reason. I said your approach is doomed for failure. If you start to build your own career and income you will be ready for the next phase of your life if that ends up to be divorce. Sometimes husbands and wives should not work together and should have seperate finances. This is cleary one of those cases. If you stay and continue to butt heads with him nothing will be gained including any future stability for yourself. Unless you plan on a big divorce settlement. Basically complaining gets you nowhere but specific actions can change everything. You seem frozen on the action front.
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Old 12-21-2012, 11:19 AM   #40 (permalink)
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You are right about frozen. This whole marriage thing is so complicated for me. I have a love/hate relationship with him whereas I love it when he is nice and loving, but nice and loving is only a farce. If we have an argument, he may act nice and loving the next day for an hour or two but he always reverts back to an a%*. He is 97% jerk and 3% nice/loving.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the real problem? I mean maybe expecting a nice, loving hubby is crazy although that is what initially attracted me to him. The working together thing is very complicated and has a lot of details I dont want to go into on the forum, but yes working with spouses is a very dangerous thing. For us it is not so easy to change.

The good thing about us working together is together we are very successful. If I stop working with him, the biz wont succeed. So in essence I would trade one problem for another (working together drama replaced with failing biz). This is the truth. My husband is a very hard worker, but that is his strength-working. I am the rest. So in reality, HIM getting another job would actually be more beneficial since there are lots of workers for hire.

I think my threats to leave him are somewhat unfair but its how I feel. I secretly wish that in efforts to keep me he will clean up his act but he wont. The bottom line is my needs are not being met. I guess his needs are not either since he cant have the car he desires. But lets say I give in and let him get the car, what do I gain in return? I'm just saying, by letting him get what he wants, he will be happy but if we both have needs that aren't being met, wont there be a new issue tomorrow?

I cant shake this feeling of not being able to tolerate this guy. Every day we get in an argument. Most of the time he gets an attitude because I am asking him biz related questions which he feels he doesnt need to answer to me. I in turn get upset because i am feeling like "here we go again with his attitude stuff." And the cycle repeats every day. (action-reaction)

He wants a life where he comes and goes as he pleases with no questions asked, buys what he wants with no resistance, makes the major financial decisions in the household with no objections and all the while I am there for the ride. BUT, the kicker is I am the heart behind the machine. He is not handling everything on his own. The best analogy is a sports team. He wants to be the owner of the team (makes major decisions and reaps benefits of teams work) yet he wants me to play on the team. And when you play for a team, its not so easy to walk away because you feel part of something. I am not that type of woman nor can I ever be.

Man, each day I want to leave yet I cannot bring myself to do it. Ugh!!!
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:51 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Well at least your honest about choosing financial success over personal happiness. Many people never admit it. I still think you're in a classic power struggle with your husband due to the work dynamic. It's been my observation that these types of arrangements never last. I audit businesses for a living so my sample size is very large. Someone eventually cheats with a new partner who lets them " be themselves". In general, if the man can't lead in the relationship he'll find someone else. If you don't like his brand of leadership then you have the option to move on. There's really no magic bullet. You can't change or control his thoughts and actions no matter how hard you try. Most men don't like to be bossed around. Some tolerate it because they lack confidence, but secretly they resent the hell out of it. Eventually these men feel very justified lying to their wives about everything because they rationalize the wife is just too controlling. Once the lies begin the marriage is long gone.

I can tell you this. I work hard and I like European motorcycles so I bought one. I don't ask for permission, but I did let my wife know about my plans in advance. That's how men do it. I've been married for 20 years and my wife understands my needs. I like to wrench and ride. It makes me happy and she likes me that way. If her needs were that she didn't want me to buy a motorcycle I would have done it anyway and accepted the consequences. Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. Even if those dreams seem silly to others. Many of my wife's friends ask her why she "lets me" buy and ride street motorcycles. She simply says he'll do it anyway. My wife's friends are all divorced, unhappy or married to wimpy guys that aren't very interesting or capable of anything I respect.

Last edited by Enginerd; 12-21-2012 at 03:59 PM.
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Old 12-21-2012, 06:49 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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Yes, he is trying to impress his peers. It's stupid if you ask me.
Well... Actually, that is perfectly normal for a man to want to impress his peers. But there are two problems here.

1) He is stupid enough to want to go outside of his means to try to do so.
2) He has quit trying to impress you at all. As a wife, you should still be one of his peers. (Although he probably has never viewed you as a peer.)
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Old 12-22-2012, 10:05 PM   #43 (permalink)
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You have done more than enough to make this work,, plan your business, protect yourself financially and initiate the divorce and or legal separation,, but be perfectly clear of your motives and what you want to achieve,, let it be clear this is not another attempt to change him or make the marriage work,, let him know this is you getting on with your life and without him in it ,,, Quit thinking that you owe him something,, you don't, because he owes you alot and refuses to recognize or acknowledge it,,, PM me and tell me what the business is and I will tell you right quick if you will survive without him, I am betting you will,,,
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Old 12-23-2012, 01:07 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?

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EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.

I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.
Have you asked H why he wants that car? You sound a bit like my wife in that your qualifying the worthiness of (in your case) the car by your standards, not his. If it's not financially difficult for the two of you, and it's time to replace a vehicle anyways, then whats the big deal looking at a Lexus. I wouldn't exactly subscribe a Lexus - an over priced Toyota - to the realm of a "luxury" vehicle, or a vehicle of status. A Mercedes/AMG in the other hand.....

Last edited by ChuckCanuck; 12-23-2012 at 03:06 AM.
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:31 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. Even if those dreams seem silly to others. Many of my wife's friends ask her why she "lets me" buy and ride street motorcycles. She simply says he'll do it anyway. My wife's friends are all divorced, unhappy or married to wimpy guys that aren't very interesting or capable of anything I respect.
I think this is an essential truth of marriage, so long as you're not bankrupting the family for your motorcycle. My parents have been married for 35 years, and my mother has a similar approach to my father and his hobbies; she says, "at least he's not renovating the house!"

She understands that he gets to have hobbies and doesn't need her permission to have them. He gives her the same respect. Needing permission from your spouse to have a hobby sounds very controlling to me.

However, I'm not sure that's the OP's case. It seems like the car fight was just the latest example of what she doesn't like about her husband. Without that mutual respect and caring in place, it's impossible to handle situations like enginerd or my parents. The problem with SharonND is that she doesn't like her husband. I don't know what to do about that.
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