Help!!! I resent my husband
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Old 06-26-2009, 08:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help!!! I resent my husband

I have known my husband for 12 years. We dated for 2 years. We just celebrated (if you can call it that) our 2 year aniversary. As time goes on I find myself resenting him... almost hating him and it is affecting our relationship. The things I resent is that he used to have a $90,000.00 a year job and I had a $20,000 a year job, but I was attending school. (late bloomer for me) Well he got in trouble with the law and was fired from his good paying job and spent 3 months in jail on work release working a Pretend job. His friend said he was working for him when he wasnt he would come home and sleep and watch tv. Due to his crime he was issued a judgement of 150,000.00 dollars. He has hardely worked in the last two years. I have graduated with an associated degree and found a bit better paying job while I continue on-line college to finish my accounting degree. My issue is that he feels that I MUST help pay all the attny bills and the judgement as they are now Household bills. I feel that he needs to get a real fulltime job and then a parttime job to pay for it himself. WHy should I have to pay for his crime. Also what money I make he makes the purchase decisions as per the church. He love a particular sport that he states is cheep. Its not it cost us about 2500 per summer. I do it to spend time with him but i dont love it like he does. My resentment with this is that if I want to do something that isnt associated with this sport he tells me NO. Also if his truck needs fixed he gets right on it spending thousands to fix it. If my car breaks down I have to BEGG to get it fixed. THe windows on my car have been broke for the last three years and he keeps saying that 400 is too much to pay right now cause we dont have money. I feel its cause its not for him. Also on our anivarsary he didnt bother getting me a card or flower (I just expected one little flower not a bunch of them) and he got in my face because I told him he hurt my feelings and he called me lazy because I didnt get up with him that morning to make his lunch on one of the only days he has worked. I am also expected to work 40-60 hours a week... go to school full time.... AND clean all the housework while he spends all day on the computer, and messing up the house that I spent time cleaning the night before. Seriously if he spills coffee on the counter or floor its like OH well the wife will get it and if I dont he says that I am lazy and all I do is sleep. I go to bed at midnight and get up at 5:30 and I have NOTHING for myself. No time to read books like he does, no time for my hobbies that I had before we were together. I am just feeling like the only reason I am here is to clean up after the messy pig that he has turned into and pay HIS bills as I had no debt when we were married.

Am I wrong to feel resentment towards him? THe church says that I am disrespecting him by talking like this and I need to support him in sickness and health for rich or for poor. I Just want support to get my school work done and keep my house clean when he isnt working. If he is then I understand when he doesnt help
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Old 06-26-2009, 09:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

I agree with you, he seems rather selfish. He does not have a full time job, but is willing to spend 2500 on a sport. Then he tells you that 400 is too much money to spend on something you need, that's ridiculous. Oh lets not forget about the whole lazy thing, aren't you the one working? When the cards are down you learn who your partner really is.By the way, the church also says to love, honor, and cherish too. It looks like someone forgot about that part.
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Old 06-26-2009, 09:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

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Originally Posted by purplecatgirl View Post
Am I wrong to feel resentment towards him? THe church says that I am disrespecting him by talking like this and I need to support him in sickness and health for rich or for poor. I Just want support to get my school work done and keep my house clean when he isnt working. If he is then I understand when he doesnt help
supporting your spouse is different from enabling your spouse.

and supporting your spouse is different from becoming a second class citizen.

you asked one question. you asked if you were wrong to feel resentment, and so i'll answer.

not only are you not wrong to feel resentment, you're right to feel resentment and you also have a right to feel resentment.

whomever in your church advised you otherwise is doing neither god nor you any favors.
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Old 06-26-2009, 09:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

"THe church says that I am disrespecting him by talking like this and I need to support him in sickness and health for rich or for poor."

The Bible also tells men they should work and not sponge off of other people. It also says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, giving themselves up for her. It also says the husband and wife are to mutually submit to each other.
Your husband got into trouble and seems like he has his own anger about it so instead of finding some sort of to help you both, he seems to be expecting that you will take care of him. Is he mutually caring for you???? You need to let him know that your joint responsibilities cannot be handled by one person. He needs to clean up his act or you need to leave.
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Old 06-27-2009, 06:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

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supporting your spouse is different from enabling your spouse.


Why do you ask to get your car fixed? If something breaks on my H's car he doesnt ask me. If he needs it fixed he fixes it. My truck is in the shop right now. I didnt ask him, but we did discuss it. my H does pay to fix my truck since I am not working.

You are putting yourself in the submissive role with your words, which means your frame of mind is submissive. that's why he's dominating you. Your resentment is a sign that you are not being an advocate for your own feelings. it means you are enabling someone to walk all over you. Learn to stand up for yourself and you wont feel resentful anymore.

In your situation standing up for yourself probably means you're going to feel like the bad guy, or feel guilty- which is what you are avoiding. you feel guilty for standing up for yourself for some reason. when he was making $90,000 did he pay for everything for you, or at least the majority of it?
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Old 06-27-2009, 07:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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When he made 90,000.00 I still lived in my own home and he in his own home as we were just dating. Our house payment now is still lower than what mine was at that time. He did NOT support me then other than when we did his sporting trips (whitewater rafting) he paid my way. If we went out to dinner he would get it one time and i would get it the next. He lost his good paying job before we were married and just before I moved in. 3 months before we were married. He had a full time job for a few months but got fired for yelling at the boss. I wasnt worried at the time because his house payment was smaller than mine was even though it is a larger house than mine. He only owed 60,000.00 on the house and 40,000.00 on a business loan. It is worth 300,000.00 on market with the acreage it is on. I sold my house in about 2 months. He just states that now that we are married I am to help him with child support (even though I have no kids and dont want any of my own) and his child support is going up to 898 bucks a month. and the judgement of 150,000.00 that we have to make min payments of 200.00 per month. That doesnt count the 6000-15000 bucks a year we send on attnys for HIM.

I came into this marriage with a 11300.00 student loan debt of which my house selling gave me back 15000.00 and I paid it off so I added to our income assetts.

He had credit card debt a truck payment and the others i have mentioned. And I have to account for the 5 bucks I pulled out of our joint account of which I used to by bread at the day old store.

He states that I cant get my car fixed (broken electric windows) because we dont have the money.... we just spent 1200 bucks getting his cruise control working. He lied to me about it saying it would only be 200.00. and that he needed it so he didnt get any speeding tickets.

I am starting to stand up to him even though he and the pastor at church sayes its not my place. He wanted to spend another 1600 on oars for his whitewater raft and i told him NO he has two other sets of oars he can use that just sit there. One set he bought last year. After weeks of arguing about it he finally agreed.

I do love him I just want to stop feeling like I cant do anything with him that I WANT to do. We always have to do what he says and what he wants to do which is whitewater rafting all the time. He gets upset if I take a day off of work and use my paid time. He feels it takes away from his time that he can go rafting and if I say I dont want to go and he goes without me I hear from that point on how I didnt go.
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Old 06-27-2009, 07:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

If he was making that much on his own he's probably just having a hard time adjusting to a different lifestyle. I dont think he's right in what he is doing, but he probably just needs some adjusting and a little bit of a wake up call to the situation- which unfortunately it sounds like you're going to have to give him. Also, i dont know why he got the fine, or what caused him to yell at his boss, but it sounds like he has a really hard time following rules. he probably just wants things his way and gets upset like a child when it doesnt go his way.

I know it sucks standing up to him but if you two work on your boundaries in the marriage things will mellow out and you can feel good again, even if you dont feel good about the relationship.
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Old 07-10-2009, 09:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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He sure knows how to push my buttons

First, we leave for a week long whitewater rafting trip and I pay my sister 100 buck to watch two dogs, two adult cats and 2 kittens, a garden, and several plants. Not to mention I live quite a bit farther from her work than she does so I felt 100 bucks was extreamly reasonable. HE CAME UNGLUED.

Second, while on the trip I was oaring my raft for the first time (on that river)and was having a hard time as something was wrong with the oars. I found out he put the rented ones on my raft because I wouldnt let him buy those 1600.00 ones and he was punishing me... at least thats what it felt like. He never adjusted them for me and never even mentioned that they needed to be. WHy would a husband put his "beloved" wife on a whitewater raft on a class 4 river with oars that were not adjusted for her? Is he trying to kill me? Then he was a grumpy bear the whole trip and never even complimented me for doing a good job. I never fell off the raft and after the oars were adjusted I was no longer having problems. Other guys on the trip that have been down that river several times as a passanger were amazed that I was doing it on my own raft. WHY CANT MY HUSBAND SHOW THAT HE APPRECIATES ME!!! I do the rafting so that I can spend time with him but I realised it doesnt matter he flat doesnt care about anyone or anything but himself.

So I really made him mad when I told him I was no longer going to raft with him... I had hobbies and places I wanted to go and so I am going to use my money and do it.

I have an appointment next week to get my car windows fixed and then I am taking my mom for an overnight visit to the state park.

AND I AM PLANTING A LAWN!!!! He has lived in this house for 23 years and has NEVER put a lawn in. I love grass and I dont care how much he hollers I am planting 10x10 sections until I get all 3 acres done. (I may have to step it up a bit but with all the rocks I need to take my time up around the house as we cant afford to pay someone to do it I will need to do it myself)

I also told the pastor that I didnt feel he was representing the word of our Lord by enabling emotional abuse and abandonment.

I still want to know why my husband just doesnt appreciate anything I do or want to do? This makes me resent him and it makes me feel like he just wants a work horse.
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Old 07-11-2009, 09:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

You need to get him to do chores and help around the house, stop the hobbies until he pays off his debts.
You should do all this in writing as to what his responsibilities are since he does not seem to know.
When a compromise and schedule is made of chores and how they are divided, you can review how things are going monthly and make adjustments.
This seems to be the first task at hand.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

Hi, I'm going through a similar situation, but I will continue my quest for answers until I get them. Either we work this shi.. out, or we come to terms another way.

WHAT CHURCH ARE YOU ATTENDING THAT EXACERBATES LOW SELF-WORTH? You need to find a new church!!! Run don't walk. It seems obvious that neither of you discussed debt prior to saying "I do" nor did you talk about spending habits. This guy was like this before you met him. You had to know something was awry, yet you married him anyway. People give you their stories right away if you pay attention.

You work: Don't ask permission to spend your money
You work: Don't pay for his sports hobby
You work: Make him get his lazy azz up and find a job!
You work: Get your car windows fixed!! It's a safety violation and you will wind up with a ticket and that's more of an expense.

Does this man really love you? I say no. You don't mistreat someone you love the way he is treating you. Since it sounds like you are a good spiritual woman, can you contact that spiritual tv minister Joel Olsteen and send him your problem. This guy is incredible and kind, gentle, and non-judgmental. I have read his book and watch his shows occasionally. I am not religious, but I believe in God and am very spiritual and would love to guide you to your goodness by this suggestion.

You are very kind and generous and are being taken advantage by someone who is a little boy. He is not husband material and needs to grow up. He will drag you down eventually and further abuse you. This is a form of abuse. Financial abuse.

Get out of that by seeking others who can guide you lovingly and gently to your greater good. You deserve to be treated as a woman with a purpose.

Many blessings to you.
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

Wait a minute. You have a control freak, selfish, angry criminal. And you want him, why?
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

Either the sex is mind blowing or there's a huge number of stuck jars that need opening.
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Old 04-06-2011, 03:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help!!! I resent my husband

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Originally Posted by purplecatgirl View Post
He sure knows how to push my buttons

First, we leave for a week long whitewater rafting trip and I pay my sister 100 buck to watch two dogs, two adult cats and 2 kittens, a garden, and several plants. Not to mention I live quite a bit farther from her work than she does so I felt 100 bucks was extreamly reasonable. HE CAME UNGLUED.

Second, while on the trip I was oaring my raft for the first time (on that river)and was having a hard time as something was wrong with the oars. I found out he put the rented ones on my raft because I wouldnt let him buy those 1600.00 ones and he was punishing me... at least thats what it felt like. He never adjusted them for me and never even mentioned that they needed to be. WHy would a husband put his "beloved" wife on a whitewater raft on a class 4 river with oars that were not adjusted for her? Is he trying to kill me? Then he was a grumpy bear the whole trip and never even complimented me for doing a good job. I never fell off the raft and after the oars were adjusted I was no longer having problems. Other guys on the trip that have been down that river several times as a passanger were amazed that I was doing it on my own raft. WHY CANT MY HUSBAND SHOW THAT HE APPRECIATES ME!!! I do the rafting so that I can spend time with him but I realised it doesnt matter he flat doesnt care about anyone or anything but himself.

So I really made him mad when I told him I was no longer going to raft with him... I had hobbies and places I wanted to go and so I am going to use my money and do it.

I have an appointment next week to get my car windows fixed and then I am taking my mom for an overnight visit to the state park.

AND I AM PLANTING A LAWN!!!! He has lived in this house for 23 years and has NEVER put a lawn in. I love grass and I dont care how much he hollers I am planting 10x10 sections until I get all 3 acres done. (I may have to step it up a bit but with all the rocks I need to take my time up around the house as we cant afford to pay someone to do it I will need to do it myself)

I also told the pastor that I didnt feel he was representing the word of our Lord by enabling emotional abuse and abandonment.

I still want to know why my husband just doesnt appreciate anything I do or want to do? This makes me resent him and it makes me feel like he just wants a work horse.
It seems that you are being cornered by your altered perception of your faith, so I'll respond with a religious perspective. I am a religious person. A Christian. Apparently, you two must be part of a different faith. Seriously, its like a cult or something, where only one side of the equation is preached.

If he and your pastor talk about the respect you owe him, ask him about the part where he is supposed to love you like Christ loved the Church. Where his love for you was so ingrained that he was willing to die for us. Does this sound like the guy who only allows money to be spent on himself? Respect is supposed to be the natural byproduct of the way you treat each other.

Point is, you two made a covenant when you married. He's seriously broken it. You haven't, and you deserve better. Don't let yourself become less than you are through resentment. Tell him to honor the whole covenant you made, or pack up and leave.
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I wouldn't worry too much at all about that resentment you are feeling. Have you tried to get him to do more? Confronted him on how you are feeling? What if you let the house get messy? Woud he clean it up? You can't do everything, he needs to help you out. That is the church thing to do...help out others!!
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I feel the same way. My husband has made me hate him. Is I feeling controlling or tries to be. We got married in Nov 2010 and now I am heading towards divorce.

My husbands doesn't even know what marriage means. He thinks marriage is a one way street.

I need my car fixed. Well we had a savings account with quite a lot in it. He changed accounts with out my knowledge. I found out from my payroll dept. The money I had going in there every month did not go this payday. So I called him. he oh yeah I got paranoid that someone was hacking into the account so I closed it. What? So I ask him was he going to put my name back on it. He said I guess. HE gives me the new account number so I can start back up the direct deposit. So I am weary. I ask are you taking my car to the shop? his answer was when you start putting that money back in the account then I will have it fixed. We don't have joint checking. I have my pay go into my account minus the money I was dumping into savings. What husband says that? Why would I contunue dumping money into an account that does not have my name on it?
Get this he goes into savings and takes out what he wants like buying his ex and his daughter plane tickets to come visit from Germany but he can't get my car fixed. It's my ABS system to my brakes and my ac. It's ok for my brakes to go out, I guess.

He is constantly doing this to annoy me. Like turns the AC off and say we don't need it it's cold outside at 91 degrees. Puts things in the garage were I can't drive into with out having to move it. leaves dishes for me to wash and my daughter to put away but won't wash a dish I might leave. He is always putting my daughter down. SHe has a full ride scholarship to top 5 in the world aviation schools but she is a piece of crap and no good for nothing. She does everything he tells her do. He dumps garbage in her floor if she has two pieces of trash in it. Strips her bed if she walk out of the room is did not make it. HE is mean to her, why I don't know. I can go on and on
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