General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Nothing like asking a bunch of strangers for advice.
A little back ground.
I'm Male 38
my wife it 35, Married in 1998, we had meet in the Air Force and got married about year later. By 1999 we were both civilians.
We also have a 6 year old girl
Started about 2 months ago, things had gotten very weird between us, I recognize that I was being passive aggressive towards here and she reciprocated. We never fought persey, but things were tense. Finally one night I sat her down, and got her to tell me she had been thinking about divorce. Doing budget and bidding her time till she finished her masters degree this fall.
Besides being passive aggressive towards her, some of the things I agreed to work on was basically not being such a tite wad. We make much more than the average family, have new cars, a 2 year old house, just put in a $40k pool. No debt except the mortgage, almost living the Dave Ramsey lifestyle. But I've always made excuses not to take her to Paris or on nice vacations. Besides family trips back to Florida to visit the inlaws, I've taken her on one cruise in our 12 years.
Since then, I've moved some money around and commited to be more of a free will when it comes to living. I've also focused on being a better helper around the house, not that I don't do my fair share of man work, but stuff like putting my dirty clothes on the hamper when I take them off, closing cabinets and drawers. My daughter does the same thing and drives me he nuts. My brother who is a Psych major, suggest she may have some what of a compulsive disorder. For what it's worth, that is one thing I like about her, our house is very well kept and she is very creative.
Now a week ago she went to Cabo San Lucas with a girl friend of hers (planned 3-4 months ago), she has been divorced about 3 years. She's a family friend, and from what the wife tells me is, the friend is against us breaking up. Any way, it must have been the last night she was there, she (wife) ended up kissing another guy.
When she returned home, she became very stand offish towards me. It took a couple days, but I sat her down and she admitted the kiss and that she also about 3-4 months ago had dinner with an old boy friend while on a business trip (nothing happened supposedly). We've been very open an frank about everything, maybe I'm a sucker, but I don't think sex has been involved.
She is ready to move out to try to figure out to do, but to this point, she doesn't want to commit actually doing the divorce paper work. This is what she said in an email
Quote:
I will always have you and L***** in my mind with all that I do and I don't plan on being some dumb single chick, but I do want to make sure that if I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it will be what I WANT, not what is convenient or acceptable. I refuse to live my life like that.
So at this point, she has an apartment lined up, but can't move in till Aug 1st. I ordered the Marriage Fitness Duo package this morning, she has agreed to work thru it with me. I hope 30 days is enough time for he to start seeing the light.
Mean while, I'm trying to give her room and not annoy her. Going to start doing some of the other things people do on the Lone Ranger track, like leaving love notes in her purse and complementing her a few times a day.
If you were being passive aggressive with her it also sounds like you have some issues that you need to talk to her about. my H gets passive aggressive with me and i have to stop him and ask him whats going on. he usually doesnt realize something is bothering him and doesnt realize that's his way of telling me.
Yesterday we had a pretty good day, I'm being Mr NIce guy and she actually started flirting with me by the after noon. Had I not broke out with 102 fever, we might have even gone mid night skinny dipping.
Alas, she decided to inform her parents of her decision to move out and that blew up, when she came home she really broke down and I has to console her while fight off the shakes from my fever.
I asked her in her moment of weekness if there was anyone else, just tell me because it will eventually come out. She tells me there is no one, and brings up the point of when does she have time? I believe her because of her activities would not suggest an ongoing affair.
BUT, lets revist the old boy friend topic, the one she had dinner with a few months ago. She went into more details about that, seems like after 12 years she has some feelings for him still. But on multiple times he has made it clear that he does not feel the same way.
She made the deposit at the appartment yesterday, so have till Aug 1st to turn this stuff around. Hopefully this marriage fitness program arrives and we can start working through our issues in a systimatic fassion.
And about me being passive/agressive. Your right, that's my issue, I'm P/A at my job too sometimes. Talking with her dad this morning, he said that most of her old boyfirends (including the one above) were more the opposite, like agressisve/agressive. He used the term abusive, but I think mentally and not physically. For that matter, I think her father would be in the same catagory. Just as a test, I would consider the abusive approach and tell her to get the **** out if not for my 6year daughter. But for now, the Mr. Niceguy approach seems to be bringing results.
Thats about all for today, she's out shopping with her mom and sister, hopefully she finds the love note I put in her wallet, she found the one yesterday and I think she was touched.
She's been really hard to read? We've already started some of Morts advice. Doing the Touch Charge and Talk Charge. The Talk Charge is very hard. Maybe that's why we are where we are today.
Even though I'm still sick as a dog, ended up in the ER yesterday morning with 104 fever, I asked her last night if she wanted to make love after I got over the bug and she actually said yes, and that it would be good to do it again. And it didn't sound like from the enflection in her voice she was agreeing just to satisfy me, she genuinly wants it.
Like I said, she went shopping last time I wrote, turns out she bought a couch and love seat for the apartment. She goes on to say how well they will match when she moves back in. She also talks about "taking me back to her place" after she moves out. To me, this sound promissing.
But on the flip side, she's not opposed to us dating other people while seperated. That thought turns my stomach. What if she has sex with another guy while seperated, how do you deal with that?
I guess that's enough obsessing for now. Feels good just to write it down sometimes.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,473
Re: Need advice
It is not unusual for a spouse considering divorce or separation to vacillate back and forth. That is a positive for you. In reading between the line of your post you are almost treating your approach to this as a roll in a play. What ever the marriage needs in change you must commit to for life or this will come back around and you will have validated her wants to leave. To go through the marriage program together and see where that leads you. A couple of reads that might help are Chapman’s The Five Languages (For you both) and Love and Dobson’s Love Must be Tough (For you).
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have no idea what your wife wants. Heck, i think you are a great husband. Do you want to be mine....lol So have you found out what it is she is unhappy about, with the marriage, with you? SOmething you can change maybe?
i dont have any suggestions thou, because it sounds like she is really going to move out on Aug 1, getting furniture and stuff. I wish i could tell you something positive. All i can say is keep it up, good luck and hope you feel better.
If there's a chance she will have sex with someone else...do NOT take her to bed!! She must be tested before you do! I suspect, however that she won't.
I like the idea of her taking you to her place! Sounds like a sure date!
Once she's been on her own for a little while, (and given that the couch "matches") she may well want back.
Just go with the flow for a while...
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
I've already told her if she has sex with someone else, I need a full work up from her doc saying she's clean.
Funny thing is, I don't think we used the D word all weekend. Maybe she doens't want to say words to not upset me, or does she really think it will end with us back together.
I was thinking about trying to watch Fireproof with her tonight, we watching DVDs together is one of our favorite past times, but will the message of Fireproof seem to cheesey/needy/pushy?
Well the MF package just showed up and I started reading the 1st part of the workbook and was shocked and scared but hopefully he has a plan.
Basically he says if I want my spouse to change, then I have to relinquish the position that I want them to take. Obviously I want my DW to stay here, but what MF says, my supporting her appratment hunting and preperation may actually be the right thing to do.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,473
Re: Need advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKarma
Basically he says if I want my spouse to change, then I have to relinquish the position that I want them to take. Obviously I want my DW to stay here, but what MF says, my supporting her appratment hunting and preperation may actually be the right thing to do.
This is also part of Dobson's Love Must be Touch theory. It is reverse of what your instincts tell you to do but it can work. Good luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Wll last night was productive, we listened to the 1st CD and did the 1st exercise in the program. I think we've uncovered two very profound things.
1st about trust. Trust is being consistant in the things you do, showing up on time or doing the things you say you are going to do. That was one of my big problems, I would say I would pickup my dirty cloths in the bathroom but wouldn't, I would say I wouldn't leave dirty dished in my office, but I would. Over the years, I never saw it as trust think, I thought , its my space too I can do what I want. Looking back, if you want to make the worst possible comparison, I might as well been cheating on her everytime I left a dish out.
2nd, we found an interseting pattern in her old loves. Starting in high school her frist two loves we both very controlling in her independance. I'm not a phycologist, but I think this has a deep rooted reason in why she wants to move out.
I had another thought laying in bed this morning, two of her last loves, she exerted her independance, once by joing the Air Force, effectivly ending the relation ship. The second, involves the old boyfriend I've mentioned earlier. They were alway off again on again. SHe again exerted her independance and signed up for and overseas tour, which is where we met and and the rest is history.
So 2 jerk boyfriends, and 2 she exerted her indepenace on, all gone down in flames.
Anyway we learned a lot last night, should be interesting the next 30 days what else we learn.
One other trust issue, again its all about being consistant. My trust issue with my W her inconsistant attitude and behaviour towards our D. Sometime very loving, sometimes way to angry towards D about little things.
For anyone who has done the program already, do we fully go down the trust avenue later?
Need advice
