How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Kids
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Kids

I received a comment on my article on Narcissistic Personality Disorder from a woman whose father was a full-blown NPDer. She asked me to stop by and read something she'd written about her experiences. I thought it might interest some of the men and women who are wondering if they should stay with their NPD partner for their kids' benefit:

Daddy Dearest...
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Old 12-19-2012, 06:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thanks for the interesting link, Kathy -- it points to a well written poem that tells a sobering story of what it was like to grow up with a narcissistic father in the household. Painful to read. But, yes, it should be of interest to those considering the relative merits of staying married to a narcissist "for the kids' benefit."
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Kathy, as you already know, I am the daughter of one of these selfish fathers and that poem hit home. It's so sad things need to be this way, but we need to play the cards we were dealt.
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Narcissistic parents reverse the parent child dynamic. Good parents know that they are always there for their kids. Their kids needs take priority. Narcissistic parents use their kids to bolster their own self esteem. They are not interested in how their children develop; rather they are interested in how their children's accomplishments make them look successful. Anyone who has coached sports knows the kids are rarely the problem - it is usually the parents who are trying to live through their kids accomplishments that cause the grief.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown View Post
Thanks for the interesting link, Kathy -- it points to a well written poem that tells a sobering story of what it was like to grow up with a narcissistic father in the household. Painful to read. But, yes, it should be of interest to those considering the relative merits of staying married to a narcissist "for the kids' benefit."
That's the reason I posted it here. I see so many people worried about saving a relationship where kids are involved, and sometimes it's hard to see what can happen to the children's world views over time.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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So if I'm getting this right, the kids might be better off spending 50 percent of their time at the total mercy of a mentally ill parent rather than spending 100 percent of their time with their other parent around to protect them?
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Kids

Narcissistic.......not to thread jack......but is this like the new buzz word or something?

I know my 19 year old loves to call everyone Narcissistic.......it just seems like such a general classification.
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Old 12-20-2012, 03:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The recent book, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (2009) by psychologists Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, can assist parents, educators, students and clergy in understanding the severe damage caused by narcissism in western culture.
A study in the spring of 2007 revealed the extent of the problem of narcissism in our culture. Dr. Jean Twenge of San Diego State University reported in a study of almost 17,000 college students that two thirds of them scored high on a measure of selfishness. The study reported an increase of narcissism of 30% over the past twenty years. Dr. Twenge commented that narcissistic individuals are more likely to manifest over controlling and violent behaviors and exhibit dishonesty.
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Old 12-20-2012, 03:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Narcissistic Parents Affect Their Kids

wow this hit home so hard
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Old 12-20-2012, 05:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
So if I'm getting this right, the kids might be better off spending 50 percent of their time at the total mercy of a mentally ill parent rather than spending 100 percent of their time with their other parent around to protect them?
In my opinion, (and it is an opinion!) since the children can normally decide who they want to live with once they reach a certain age (typically around 10 or 11), I'd say for most children, this would be true, yes.

For younger children, I think that that while the other parent's behavior is damaging, they aren't going to see as much of the harmful effect because they're still a source of love and admiration to the parent. They haven't yet reached that age where they challenge and question the parent's authority all that much. I think that it'd be better to let them cope with that during visitation periods on weekends and a few times a year than to expose them to continuous vicious arguments and hostility.
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Old 12-20-2012, 06:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Narcissistic parents reverse the parent child dynamic. Good parents know that they are always there for their kids. Their kids needs take priority. Narcissistic parents use their kids to bolster their own self esteem. They are not interested in how their children develop; rather they are interested in how their children's accomplishments make them look successful. Anyone who has coached sports knows the kids are rarely the problem - it is usually the parents who are trying to live through their kids accomplishments that cause the grief.
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT
Just because someone takes pride in their childs successes does not mean it is bad for the child.
I believe that in many cases the first person who deserves credit or blame when the child (even into being a young adult) has a success or failure is the parents.
I also believe that when I am eventually blessed with the opportunity to have children, their successes are my successes. If they don't do well, if they "fail", then I failed as a parent.
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Old 12-20-2012, 08:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Here is my long list of how narcissism has affected my family:

My mom broke up my brothers marriage by constantly bad mouthing my sister in law to my brother. She did underhanded things to make her look bad to everyone and in front of everyone.
My mom claimed that my oldest son was hers on multiple occasions, to me, in front of others. She used to say that he was OURS as if me and her conceived a child together.
My mom has claimed that my brother is her husband to multiple people and in front of his wife.
Once my mom beat me when she thought I was pregnant, she claimed my sister in law told her I was...so she beat the heck out of me. When I confronted my sister in law about this, she said that she had not even discussed anything at all to do with me being pregnant.
When I was around 10-11 years old, my dad told me that one day I was going to come home from school and find my mom dead, this was after he threatened to throw me out of a second story picture window. This all came about after my mom went to get feminine products at the store for me and my dad was bad mouthing her while she was gone, so I told him that she HAD to go to town because we were out of things that I needed. After he got violent, I ran over to my grandmothers house. My mom came home and beat me because she claimed that I "ran away".
My mom decided that the school just makes up stuff when they cannot control the kids and thus why my youngest son might have autism, she thinks it was my fault, and told my oldest son that it was because I didn't discipline him right.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, my mom refused to come to the hospital to see her, she also denied knowing me to one of my professors who called my emergency number (which was her number) to see how I was doing. She didn't see her for almost a month later even though we lived on the same street.
My mom uses my oldest son by triangulating him between us. She has done this his whole life and has actually used money and gifts to bribe him. He is 26 years old and he still does not recognize that she does it.
She invited people to my middle sons testicular surgery...without asking him. This was a traumatizing surgery for him because he lost his testicle and the other one had to be stapled in. She discussed it on end with the people that she invited.

... :/
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