What to do when someone else crosses a line?

evenow · 01-16-2008, 12:05 PM

I've been off the boards for a little while. I hope this is the right place to put this issue.

My husband and I have been married for a few years and are extremely non-confrontational. I'm a bit younger than him and sometimes get positive male attention, often in front of him. Obviously, this bothers DH and I never know how to handle it when he feels threatened.

Recently this has become an issue again when at a party a male acquaintance that is very flirty (with all women, not just me) got a little too friendly. I did put a stop to it, but DH is still in the position of being ignored and disrespected and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not worried about this particular guy in the future but I don't want DH to continue to feel powerless/insignificant.

Does anyone have any advice?

draconis · 01-16-2008, 06:21 PM

I think your issues in some way come done to trust. My wife gets flirted with but men of any age. It is in the way she handles it I feel secure for the most part. But then again we have clear guideline to what is acceptable for each of us in any situation, and we stay by them. My wife is a big flirt, in the back of my head, sure it bothers me a bit. Just the same way if a girl flirts with me my wife gets possesive (which I find funny) since I never flirt myself. But what keeps me okay is the fact our guidelines of a simple hug is the limit, which we both agree to.

Of course everyone is different and you can't control if someone is going to flirt with you. You and your husband need to communicate guideline that neither are going to feel is oppressive or too liberal. Each couple need to find their own balance in this.

I would start by asking him what he feels is comfortable for him, and why.

draconis

evenow · 01-16-2008, 09:08 PM

So you think maybe deep down he doesn't trust me?

I've tried to talk to DH about this but he doesn't really understand his own feelings enough to be able to have a discussion. It really bothers him, but I don't know what I can do.

The funny thing is I'm the complete opposite of flirty. If any man gives me attention I get really uncomfortable and shy (this is the way I've always been). I've never encouraged anything because I'd never want to embarrass my husband. When things like this happen I end up feeling really bad like I've done something wrong.

draconis · 01-17-2008, 08:45 AM

Okay, first I want to say sorry for two things.
1) I read this at 4:30 in the morning and wanted to be more awake to respond;
2) My computer is having issues so bear with me.
3) You'll have to read it all to understand what I am saying.

I) When I was younger my parents whom trusted me very much wanted to get to know my friends not because they didn't trust me but because they wanted to see if my friends had simular morals, ethics, standards etc. They feared that they my friends would provide peer pressure or put me in a bad situation where I might make a bad choice that I would not normally make.

II) I have heard the term over and over "I trust you but I do not trust (fill in a person). It is a real fear. Sometimes when you are in a bad situation you make a bad choice. Other people can use a weak moment that can really get to you.

III) I have never cheated on anyone myself, ever. But I have found myself temped in situations many times. Often I have just left if I could. Often though since we do not know what another is thinking it is hard to just not be in a bad situation. If you confide in someone and they offer support or even a hug for relief what is to say they may not try to kiss you. You already have your guard down and expect they will not misuse your trust. It happens though.

IV) Men often use flirting as the first step to get a woman. As crude as it sounds it is the basic building block.

As for your husband he may very well trust you, however, knowing how he got you (by flirting) and not wanting to seem weak (confiding in you his fear, because weak men lose women) he holds it in. Further he feels at a loss to compete with others because the chemical reaction of attraction is over and he has to rely completely on the foundation of the relationship built.

So deep down he most likely trusts you but not the other people.

Men's brains are wired different with less white matter (communication and multi-tasking) and they do not bond the same through sex E. works better as a bonding during orgasm with the chemical release of the body. Further after 40 men go through a simular mid-life issues as women and often suffer from all kinds of issues.

I wouldn't feel bad but you can re-assure your husband that you love only him and that you are not interest in anyone else.

He might be a bit insecure but do not shoulder his guilt but rather step up the communication so he is more at ease.

draconis

evenow · 01-18-2008, 07:37 AM

Thank you. Your response made perfect sense.

It's given me a bit to think about.

emate1209 · 01-19-2008, 07:47 AM

Hi Evenow,

I think Draconis has thrashed out the issues so let me try and shed some light on the situation this way.

When my wife goes out somewhere by car I always ask her to drive carefully. Not because I don't trust her driving skills but because I don't trust the driving skills of others.

You see your husband is not so worried about you but rather more worried about the guys. As a guy, of course, he knows exactly what the men are thinking every time they have a chat with you.

So because you love and cherish him so much just continue to reassure him that he's the only one for you and that the guys who make approaches is actually a compliment to your husband!

Try and make the situation as humorous as possible. Don't make it a serious issue to chat about because I think if you do you'll make a mountain out of a molehill.

Cheers