General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My daughter is again distressed by her husband. They have problems in the marriage and my daughter wants to discuss it to try to find a solution to the problems. He is not willing to go to counselling. He listens to what she says and refuses to answer her questions. He gets angry and leaves the house for hours and she doesn't know where she is.
They were trying for a child but my daughter doesn't want this until she can find happiness with him again.
How do you solve a problem if the other person isn't willing to be open and straight forward about the problems in the marriage?
He has left the house very angry several times now and he is also sarcastic towards her. She wants a happy marriage but is very disheartened and lonely.
What can she do?
PS Today husband stayed home didn't give wife a reason and is acting as if nothing is wrong! My daughter is an emotional wreck. Help please!
Your problem is not "What is my daughter to do?" but rather:
"How do I handle my daughter coming to me and venting to me, how do I not feel so helpless while standing by and watching her personal marriage ups and downs?"...
Your problem is not "What is my daughter to do?" but rather:
"How do I handle my daughter coming to me and venting to me, how do I not feel so helpless while standing by and watching her personal marriage ups and downs?"...
Isn't THIS the question you need to be asking us?
She believes that she needs to find a good marriage counsellor to help give her skills to find solutions to her marriage problems, and I believe that she will follow this up.
My main concern is my daughter's well being. I feel her pain and I worry that the stress is going to affect her health. She has a chronic bowel problem and stress will start cause more flare ups.
I try to understand HIS actions but I find his tantrums, storming out of the house, silent treatment, sarcasm and lack of affection to my daughter and his refusal to discuss anything very disturbing.
In one way there is a helplessness to this situation because I am standing on the sidelines and seeing the detrioration of what was once a happy marriage. I wish I had answers so if you have any insights to this kind of behaviour it would be useful.
My daughter is again distressed by her husband. They have problems in the marriage and my daughter wants to discuss it to try to find a solution to the problems. He is not willing to go to counselling. He listens to what she says and refuses to answer her questions. He gets angry and leaves the house for hours and she doesn't know where she is.
They were trying for a child but my daughter doesn't want this until she can find happiness with him again.
How do you solve a problem if the other person isn't willing to be open and straight forward about the problems in the marriage?
He has left the house very angry several times now and he is also sarcastic towards her. She wants a happy marriage but is very disheartened and lonely.
What can she do?
PS Today husband stayed home didn't give wife a reason and is acting as if nothing is wrong! My daughter is an emotional wreck. Help please!
If he isn't open to improving the marriage, don't know if theres much anyone can do, sounds like their issues are about control and maybe why he refuses counseling.
I believe some people are just not comaptible and most people marry for the wrong reasons and have kids for the wrong reasons. That your daughter wants to have kids to make her marriage better ... to me is not a good reason to have kids.
She should seek balance in her realtionship with husband and if unable seek for divorce.
You may try to encourage your daughter to go to counseling by herself.
Without knowing the detials it's difficult to understand their situation.
If he is leaving because he feels he's being bombarded with questions, he could either believe the questions are unwarranted, he may have stress at work, etc. and the questions are too much, or he believes her complaints are out of line/unrealistic and should be happy with the way things are, if he is.
If he is leaving for hours at a time, even when he's not angry, I would say he's 'unplugged' from the marriage. If he is unwilling to open up to your daughter, there isn't a whole lot she can do other than try to reach him in a loving way. See if he will open up to her about his work, his expectations, etc. (w/o getting defensive or pushing blame)...this is hard to do when you don't agree with what your spouse is saying, but sometimes it helps just to be a listener.
If he already has things bothering him, the questions may just make him feel worse and he seems to be 'running' from the stress he is feeling. If trying to mend things in a loving way does not work at all for her, it's probably time for her to decide whether she can remain in a one-sided marriage.
Definitely a good idea on her part to hold off on trying for a baby.
Communication breakdown was the killer in my marriage and my husband failed to let me know what he was feeling and left me wondering what was wrong. The silent treatment is extremely hurtful and I know what it feels like to not be listened to. I feel for your daughter and she is lucky to have a caring mother.
I hope things work out because talking to each other is invaluable in any relationship.
I have no idea what to tell you about what your daughter should do as i am having the problems in my marriage that i cant answer.
but i can tell you that she needs you to listen. You dont have to fix it just listen. say uh huh, and oh my, and well, that sucks, or even what did you do, what did he say, stuff like that. if she is like me, and i am sure she is. she is calling you just to vent because she is going crazy with the bullsh*t too. And she just needs someone who she can trust not to spread it around (to her friends, here is fine) and just listen. Possible verify that she is in the right and just tell her to keep trying if she wants the marriage to work. I call my mom all the time, and she gives me good advice, and i dont think anything if she tells me she doesnt know what to say. sometimes she has told me... just get over it, that is a small and stupid thing to whine about. And i think about it and yes, that is. And on the bigger things, she tells me to hang in there, and be strong, and sometimes even sticks up for him, if called for (because sometimes i am dead wrong too). But i know, anytime something goes crazy, i can call my mom and talk. Then i dont take it out at work or on the kiddos.
So just listen, and hard as it is, keep your heart out of it. she knows you love her, but she just wants your ears, and to talk it out.
You are worried about your daughter and want to be able to help her through this. Very understandable. BUT..she will need to take the action and if you listen to her and let her know you care about her and her husband, you will be helping her more than if you offer advice about how she can fix or handle her marriage. Tell her about this forum and let her seek her own advice. I have found that even if parents agree that their adult children's choices are "wrong", if they take it too far, it can back fire later, when things are patched up. My parents have just listened to me when I talked to them and shared my pain for a while. Take heart, she can deal with this!
Your daughter's husband is emotionally immature. My ex also had tantrums, used sarcasm and dragged up the past of 10-15 years ago during disagreements. She needs to go to councelling on her own. She can't change her husband. She can only help herself now and decide if she wants to stay with him. He may follow her lead and eventually agree to go to see a therapist. Thank goodness she is not pregnant yet. You can support your daughter with whatever decision she makes but let her decide what direction her future will take.
My friends ask me how she is going and while I try to be vague they get the gist of it. Sometimes I say she is having a hard time just now. I am worried about saying anything much to anyone.
I sent her some info about counselling in her area and left it up to her to do something about it. I feel awful when my friends ask as I don't really want to say anything to them but they know a bit.
Tell me how to listen and not butt in.
Well, for one, when your friends ask how your daughter is say she is doing fine. and talk about maybe something your daughter has done recently that has nothing to do with the marriage problems. Like my daughter went shopping yesterday and found the cutest little coffee table. blah blah blah....
that is what i do at work when people ask me about my husband. Oh he is fine, working alot of overtime so i hardly see him, and we just went to the lake and camped out or whatever. i am not actually lieing but i dont think casual friends and co workers need to know my every little damage.
smile, lie and move to a safer subject. and i dont think there is anything wrong with that either. most people who ask how is your daughter dont want to know her dirty laundry either, they are just asking and the correct answer if fine, fine. and yours? so dont stress on that.
Plus i dont understand why you are so scared for her, from what i read, he wasnt violent to her just didnt treat her that well. nobody has died of tantrums, storming out of the house, silent treatment, sarcasm and lack of affection, it might be painful and heart wretching but nothing to freak out over.
This might sound mean, but all you have to do is keep your mouth shut and your judgements to yourself and listen.
Hold her hand, hug her, tell her to call you day or night. Let her know whatever she decides you will support but it is HER decision. It's only natural to want to make her problems go away being her mom but if she can work through this with your support she can work through anything. Learning from mistakes, learning when to roll up your sleeves or saying this isn't worth the time or aggro is an invaluable life skill we all need to learn. I try to live daily by the serenity prayer. Has been very useful to me going through my divorce. My ex's mother wasn't happy at all he has left me. Even helped him find a place to live and move. That had to be HARD for her knowing he was making a huge mistake but enabling has always been what she does best. Sweet woman but very misguided. But that's a topic for another day.
I totally agree with the posts recommended that you be a sounding board. Your daughter is frustrated by the way her husband communicates and it is helpful just to have someone acknowledge their presence.
It must take some energy to ignore someone. My husband was angry about something and his feelings changed toward me over time. He never said anything about it, then all of a sudden *BOOM* "I don't want to be married anymore."
Your daughter's husband is holding too much in and eventually he won't be able to contain it anymore. Perhaps she needs to find ways to brace herself for anything that comes out of that man's mouth.
Silence and Anger 
but rather:
