shawn3497

Iam going through the exact same thing, I just started marriage counseling and hopefully it will work out although I am not optimistic about it, the one thing I can suggest is to talk to her and tell her you want to go to a counselor and go from there,

DeniseK

Yep....I agree. Cheaters....can be forgiven but habitual violaters are vile. She has done her deed....you deserve to move on. Does she do anything now? Give her some much needed SPACE .....and if she changes her mind...maybe...just maybe you can work on it. But I believe if she wanted to leave...she would. She would find a place to go and she would find a way to go. Sounds like she is getting her kicks at your expense. Sad. Hope you can figure this our. Sorry.

vasmar

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's not easy having to deal with rejection every day.

I try to live a little, I try doing other things, but the fact of the matter is, that she does not want to, if we do end up doing something it's with her family, and she pretends everything is ok. I'm very crushed by this cause everything revolves around her. Nothing seems to matter when your in a situation like this. It's hard to lift your spirit. But I know, I have to try.For me, and for my kids.

I'm really realizing that perhaps my marriage is going to fail. I've tried to work things out but when your better half does not want to, it's impossible. I thought one person could make a difference but I've proven that's not right.

I'm going on 8 months of this, since the EA my wife has said she is trying but is unwilling to actually try. She says and thinks that love is just one day going to appear without making and effort. She has said "if it comes it comes, if it doesn't o well " to me that is not trying.. I read somewhere that affairs usually spark this kind of attitude, their affair makes then feel like they once felt with you and are blinded by these new feelings and think that that's love. She is probably looking for that kind of feeling from our relationship.

Your right she is still at home, if she really wanted to leave she would have found a way no matter what. I guess I should be thankful for that. But at the same time, is she having her cake and eating it too ? She remains at home having a husband that provides and for the kids and at the same time continuing the affair ? I don't know what to do, at times I just want to pack my things and leave, leave the house for her and my kids, but then I stop and think, why should I leave ? I did nothing wrong, I'm the one trying to work on my marriage, I don't want it to seems like I'm abandoning my kids. Why should I make it easy for her ?

Am I selfish by thinking this way ?

melancholyman

Wow, man. I know exactly how you feel. I kind of felt my wife slipping away from me months before it actually happened, but I thought that if she just saw me, REALLY saw me, trying to be more attentive, taking on more housework, spending less time brooding in the living room, that she would stay in the game.

Until she really let me have it on our way to my boss's bbq, with my daughter and her cousins in tow. How she didn't want to be married to me anymore. How she hated me. How my very presence annoyed her. And that she didn't want to continue on with me. Funny thing is, she still stayed with me two months after that explosion.

She had already told me of a guy she met at work, and how wonderful he was and how in sync he was with her feelings. If you listen to her, she's probably already told you what's happening, without actually saying it straight out.

I heard that, too. Basically means, "if my current affair doesn't work out, and nothing better comes along, I might consider coming back to you". And what do you know? We're dating again. But that's another story.

Yes, she is having her cake and eating it too. She may still need you for financial support. And who's going to watch the kids while she's out with her "friends"?

It took me to say, "I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving". Which she then sought to use against me as grounds for divorce; abandonment. Be very careful.

vasmar

Melancholyman,

Yes, I know. I don't want to be the one to leave cause I've done nothing wrong. And I do think that if I leave she'll use that against me and say I'm the one who left.

See, if my wife would just be honest with me and tell me, hey I think I'm falling in love with someone else. I don't think I would be fighting as hard for our marriage. If she flat out told me, there is someone else and I don't love you anymore, I would have more closure and move on. I could not stand the fact of her being with someone else and also with me. The fact of the matter is, she says there is no one else and has not left the house and continues to probably lie and cheat. Of course, I have no concrete proof and that's probably why it's so hard for me to let go.... Trust me, if I discover her once again, that would be the end. Why would I want to be with someone who does not care, love, or appreciate me. Yes, I know, I have my kids to think about. But a marriage should not just be about the kids. I can't continue living like this...

melancholyman

Seems to me the writing is on the wall. Why do you need to hear it? As soon as she admits it, she knows you can file for divorce under infidelity (of course, you also have to prove it).

If/when you finally hear the truth, is it going to hurt any less?

vasmar

Had a bad weekend. Wife is still unresponsive. Still does not want to work on marriage and we have become nothing more than co-parents. We live under the same roof but she obviously has another agenda. This weekend I brought up the subject as to where we stood. I wanted to talk about us. She would not talk to me which made me very sad, depressed, and upset. I would ask questions and she would not respond. She said she didn't want to be like a broken record which meant her feelings have not changed. I told her we could not continue living like this. We cannot continue acting/pretending everything is ok when in fact everything is not. This is very emotionally draining and I think of our situation day and night. It's affecting me a lot. It doesn't seem to faze her any. I tell her we need some time together without the kids and she does not want even think of that. I asked if she was still talking to this guy. I she said no, that's been 6 months. I have a gut feeling she is still texting but cannot prove it. Yes, to be honest with you meloncholy, I think if I knew it would make things easier. It would still hurt, but I think I could find closure. She says this has nothing to do with him, but I find it very hard to believe that someone would want to leave a marriage with kids without having someone else. This situation I'm in doesn't seem to have an ending and I don't wish for anyone to go through what I'm going through. If she says she no longer loves me, and I'm trying to make this work, what else can I do. I've asked her, what are your plans, what makes you happy, why are you unhappy, and I get no response. There is no explanation other than she is having an EA with someone. She seems to be ok just co-existing together under the same roof. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so depressed...

GPR

I think you've tried as much as you could. The only thing you could do is to make her leave. Maybe some time away will get her mind straight. Either she'll decide she wants it to work, or she knows that she doesn't want to come back.

Sometimes, you need to do some really hard things to get answers, the problem is, that many times the answers you get aren't the ones you wanted to hear.

humangirl

Have you sat down with her & asked why her feelings have changed. I don't think it's because of the other guy since she had to be open to him for anything to happen in the first place. Maybe she's insecure with herself, maybe she doesn't feel she's seen as anything other than a mother/wife. Is it worth staying for the kids if your that unhappy. Kids notice more than you think & what are they learning from all of this. Maybe see a professional.

vasmar

It's an awful situation. No and yeah. I'm slowly realizing that this is no life to have. You can not simply stay for the kids. But then the simple of thought of them having to go through a split or divorce and not having the steady life of a family kills me. She grew up with divorce parents, my father was not around that much and I promised myself that my kids would not have to go through the same. My wife's mother and ex-husband all get along. She was fortunate to find another man that understand and tolerated the ex being around. Not all men are like that.

I've tried to really sit down and ask her, what her thoughts are, what she plans on doing. She just keeps saying the same old thing which does not add up. She says she is tired of trying and just is there. She says she does not want to try for our marriage and says the love is gone. But yet she is still there ? She gives the impression that she is depressed and not happy which she is not, but she still takes care of her appearance. She is always concerned about looking good, which she does, its' not for me though, she could care less what I think.

If not the other guy, than what is it. I've honestly have taken a hard look at myself and asked myself how I could improve. I've done some changes, but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm getting to the same point of not caring anymore and get very sad and depressed. If she would only give us a chance I know we can make it. We get along fine when we're out and about with the family. I really just don't understand what's going on. The only thing I can think of is that she still is communicating with this other guy. When I ask her she denies it.
What else can make a women behave this way ?

COFLgirl

vasmar, from what you are posting here, yes your wife is absolutely talking to this other guy, no matter how often she denies it.

You are being compared very unfavorably to the OM right now. People who get into affairs (men and women-but women tend to do this more, IMO) start to believe that the friendship that they have with their 'friend' is how relationships really should be and your marriage looks like a failure in comparison. It is part of how a cheating spouse rationalizes their behavior to themselves.

I feel bad for you vasmar, because you are turning yourself into a pretzel trying to make your wife happy when she is no longer interested. What you absolutely must do at this point, before the affair goes further, is completely pull away from your wife. I know it seems like the opposite of what you should do-it feels counter-intuitive. Pulling back will do one of two things, although it might take a little while for your wife to notice, 1. make her stop whatever she is doing with the OM and notice you running the other direction (good) 2. she will give a who gives a sh!t shrug and keep gravitating toward the OM (nothing you can do about this, my friend).

Either way, it will work out best for YOU...your wife will either come back around or if she is going to leave anyway, then it will just speed up the process. Good luck!

dcrim

I like that description. And I agree! Vasmar, hang in there! I know it's not a fun time; I know it hurts.

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!

vasmar

Coflgirl,

Thanks for the advice. Yes I know that I have to do this but it's very hard. It hurt so much. That nausage feeling everyone talks about, I have 24/7. I have a gut feeling she is still talking to this guy and yes you are right the relationship she is having is being to compared to our marriage. I don't think it is fair because that's not reality. I'm starting to realize that she really no longer cares about me. It hurts alot cause I feel otherwise. I feel that if only we both work at it, we can make a turnaround. She feels otherwise, she is unwilling to try. How do I pull away. It's hard to focus my attention in anything else. I really can't get motivated to do anything by myself. Everything I do revoloves around her. Our weekends are left up in the air. If I don't plan anything, she finds somthing to do that doesn't involve me. I've told her that that's not cool and how it makes me feel. It is so hard cause she doesn't even want to touch the subject of our relationship or lack there of. Sometimes I do get to the point where I think it would be better for her to leave. But where would she go. Her parents know about the affair and have told her they will not support her. She doens't have a job. Is currently seeking one. I believe once she finds one, she will go... Sorry to keep going in circles, I end up in the same place. Thanks for listening...

vasmar

Thanks Dcrim for your encouraging words. Yes, it is very hard. No one that's not in the situation will ever ever understand. I used to think, If my wife ever cheated on me, ITS OVER, no if buts or anything. Boy how foolish I was. It's not that easy, especially when there are kids involved. And I'm sorry, I really don't agree when people say, the kids will be ok. No they are not, there lives will change forever. It is not normal IMO for kids to have to grow up with one of the parents.

I hope that if things really go south, that we can have joint custody of the kids, One week her, one week me.

Anyone have any advice as to what was better for the kids, live with mom, full custody, live with dad, or be the weekend dad ?

Boy I hate even having to think of this...

dcrim

I know, Vasmar. I do know. The kids will not be ok. They will see the hurt & pain of their parents (or one of them anyway) and will know the cause of that pain. You will need to carefully teach them the CORRECT way of living, not the selfish way.

There's just no good way to deal with it all. Except to end things (and I do know that pain!) and move on, begin the healing process. You WILL heal, but it won't be quick. It will happen, though.

As long as she has both of you, you're the fallback plan. Remove that option. No evaluation periods, no choices, nothing. Tell her it's over, done. Period. Finis. If she has no place to go...oh well...should have thought of that before.

Change your locks, separate bank accounts. She will panic and beg you to take her back...but a month, two from now...guess what she'll be doing?

I am so sorry...I wish no one had to endure this pain...unfortunately we're all simply human. And subject to the frailties of that condition. And the pain we cause others.

Don't hate her. Just give her up.

__________________
It ain't illegal until you're caught!