blind

Thanks again for all the input. I guess at this point I am just taking things day by day. I am certainly not ready to throw in the towel. However, this waiting game certainly is painful. I don't know what else to do but continue to try and be loving and supportive towards my wife. I still love her dearly. I know in the end I'll be a better person. I just hope I am a better person that has a loving and working marriage with my wife.

We are going skiing next week in Colorado. We have agreed to have marriage counseling (together) when we return. Atleast that tells me that she is willing to try, even if she is uncertain of what she wants the result to be.

blind

Here is an update.

My wife went to see her therapist again yesterday. I don't know whose idea it was, but she is wanting to see her therapist atleast one more time before we have counseling together. I don't really know what to think of that. Part of me feels like she is just trying to get strong enough to leave. Another part of me thinks she needs to get stronger before trying to work on us. Certainly it could something else all together.

She did tell me last night that she just doesn't feel like she can be herself around me. She said she doesn't know why. I have tried to objectively look back and see if I have been so overbearing and controlling that she did not feel comfortable being herself around me. I really don't think that is the issue. I just feel like for years she has put herself aside to make me and the kids happy. She did this so long she failed to be herself and lost her identity at home. Until she finds out if she can be herself at home and regain her identity, I don't think she can make an honest evaluation of whether she wants the marriage to work. I believe she has come to the conclusion that if she can't regain her identity and be herself around me that we should get a divorce.

I must make a very careful effort to give her time. I also must stop inquiring of what her wishes are with regard to us and whether she wants the marriage to work. But, I am seriously concerned about how long I can live this way. I sometimes have feelings of being helpless. What a roller coaster of emotions this has become. One day I am fine and the next I hurt badly.

If things don't work out I know it will be very hard for me. I understand it is hard for most couples that split up. I expect we would end up with some sort of joint custody arrangement, but that the children would spend a majority of the time with my wife. All of our mutual friends (my closest friends) are from church. Our children love the church we attend and the other children there. I would never want to take this church from my children and don't feel that my wife and I would still be able to both attend after having a divorce. I would expect she and the children would continue to attend that church. I just can't get over thinking that if our marriage fails, she will wind up with the children, our church and our closest friends. I have so much to lose and she has so little to lose.

I continue to pray daily that things will work out and that we can be truly happy together. I believe if this works out it will only be through the grace of God. I pray God will give her the strength to forgive me and let us start with a clean slate where she can be herself and be comfortable with me. I pray God gives me the strength to stand beside her through this with patience and love and give her the time and appreciation she deserves.

wishful thinking

Blind,

I have read all of your posts and I want to begin by thanking you for admitting that you have done things in the past and for putting your all into trying to make it up to your wife. Being a wife that is currently having all of the mixed emotions that you and your wife have felt, I can relate to the both of you.

Your wife has put her emotions, needs, desires on the back for your happiness and your success. I can imagine that going to law school consumed a lot of your time for studying and things of that nature that in turn left her in charge of being the person that held the family together in more ways than a lot of women are willing to do for a long period of time. In that, she has become accustomed to fulfilling her own needs to a certain extent to keep her satisfied or at least comfortable enough to deal with it. I am almost sure that there were times that she needed certain things from you emotionally or spiritually that she felt she couldn't ask of you because she didn't want to cause any stress or distract you from your studies and/or work. That's not to say you ever gave her the impression that she couldn't talk to you, but as women, we sometimes imply things that aren't necessarily so. Therefore, we supress things and as time goes on it begans to build. Just like weightloss, your doctor will tell you that your body has to break down toxins and waste that have built up over time before you began to lose unwanted fat. And that applies to your relationship as well. She has years of emotions, needs, desires that have been unattended and will take time to break down and resolve just like it took time to build.

I am glad that you have found strength within to consult with the Lord about your issues and that you aren't depressed because you have children that depend on both of you. But also think about this...I know that you don't want to wait a lifetime but she has lost herself in those years that she was deprived of having "full access" to her husband. Since she has lost herself in her journey with you, can you begin a new journey to help her find who she is? I think that she would appreciate hearing that you understand that she doesn't know who she is and you want to travel that road with her. You are not the man you were 3 years ago...we all change with time in one way or another and it's great when we can adapt together with our spouse but maybe she just needs to know that you are willing to allow her to find herself and ask her if she is willing to let you do this with her.

I think that both of you need to think about what a lifetime is. We don't know when our time on Earth expires and instead of spending the time that God grants us to be here dwelling on what could have been, concentrate on what it can be.

I believe that you guys can repair your relationship but you guys have to believe that.

I wish you the best and I hope you'll keep us posted....

Sorry this is so long but I really feel both you and your wife's pain...

blind

wishful thinking - Thanks for your comments. I think your assesment is pretty accurate. Your comment "I believe that you guys can repair your relationship but you guys have to believe that" is something I agree with and that is causing me the most grief. I do believe that our relationship can be repaired. What hurts right now is not knowing whether she believes it can be repaired. If I could just hear her say that she believes there is a chance or that repairing the relationship is her desire, I would be greatly comforted and motivated to work that much harder. I am working to change and have resolved to do so. But, as I believe we can all agree, it becomes difficult to give your all to repairing a relationship when the other party doesn't have the same desires. I know, this is where I need patience. Okay, I am getting circular now and will end this post.

Thanks again for the comments.

ruby

Hi Blind,

I just joined this site. I could have written your post. I too am facing losing my only love. I'm an addictive person myself, not with drugs or anything like that, but with my hobbies. I can't do anything small, and while I love my husband, I've hurt him and my family so bad with my addiction to my hobby. He left. And now I'm in the same situation, addicted to making this work with him. Patience at a time like this is near impossible, I know! My husband says he loves me and wants to make it work, but he is in another country and cannot return for 3 months. Goodness, I know exactly how you feel!! I too am trying to give him the space and patience he gave me, but its a constant internal battle. I go through the same rollercoaster of emotions. From I'll wait and be fine either way, to I can't live like this, to someone please turn off the addiction, please! Then hope and finally despair again. Good luck to you! Right there in the same shoes.

bmtgrl

Blind-
I can feel your pain. I am in a similar situation with my husband. We have been married just over 7 years and he wants a divorce. The years have been a roller coaster, but I never thought he would give up on us. A few months ago he said he was thinking about it. I began to panic. And my worse fear is coming true. He saw a lawer on monday and he has made a list of who should get what in the house. He has not filed yet, but I know it's coming. I don't want this at all. But when someone doesn't or isn't willing to put in the effort to work on a marriage there is nothing the other person can do. I have been trying everything! I am physically ill over this situation. I cry everyday. I just wish he wanted to get "us" back and was willing to get help to get it.

sarahdale24

Blind- I have read all of your posts and the advice you have been given. I don't have any for you, as others have taken care of that for me. I too want to thank you for admitting your faults. That to me takes a real man to admit. I really hope things can look up for you, your wife and your children! Sounds like you love her more than words can describe, hopefully it's not to late for her to see that. Has the birthday thing came up yet? If not, it may be a good idea to give her that as a present outside of her birthday...not saying to rush things, but maybe that will show her how much you want her to be herself! Keep us posted!

__________________
"I'd rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" from the movie 'Steel Magnolias'

blind

Thanks again for all the advice and support. Here is an update.

We went to Steamboat, CO for a ski trip with my best friend (see original post) and his wife. Ideally I would have rather gone with just my wife and son, but the trip was planned well in advance of all of this blowing up. Anyway, the trip had some high and low points. In the end, it was probably a postive thing. She and I were able to talk a few times without all the distractions that usually interupt us (kids, phone, work, etc.). She still won't come out and say that she wants this all to work out, but she hasn't spoken to a lawyer and I don't gather that she has any immediate plans for leaving. No doubt she has given it some thought, but I don't think she wants it to end just yet.

When we talk she continually comes back to the thought that she doesn't know if my changes are permanent or temporary. This gives me some hope because I do intend to make a positive permanent change and make her a top priority. If that is what she needs, then I can provide it. Also, it tells me that she is willing to wait and see how I have changed and to see if the changs are permanent. This means she is willing to give this some substantial time. Atleast I hope this is a correct interpretation of what she is telling me.

Her birthday is next week. I have planned out several of the items for the birthday idea and today purchased some of the items/activities. I plan to give it to her on or before Saturday (assuming I can get everything in order between now and then).

As long as I can keep my emotions under control, our time together is pleasant. But, once in a while my emotions get the best of me (we don't yell, but when I loose control I cry and she clams up). For instance, the evening before our last night of skiing I gave her a mustard seed necklace (you know, if you have the faith of a grain of mustard seed you can move mountains). She liked it. I guess I ignorantly expected her to tell me she wanted this all to work and give me some assurance that things would be okay. As I should have expected, she again told me that she has felt this way for years and that it will take time before she knows what she really wants. I don't think I really showed it, but this started the hurting all over again. The next morning (our last day of skiing) I woke up (after what little sleep I was able to get) crying and hurting. Many mean things were running through my head. In fear I would say something I didn't mean or that I would regret, I grabbed my gear and headed out the door to ski by myself and collect my thoughts. I actually had a really good time skiing by myself (the 24 inches of fresh powder didn't hurt things either). She took this as me getting to do what I wanted at her expense. She stewed over this for a day or two. Finally she asked why I left that morning, so I told her. I think she understood. I just wish we could communicate more effectively. In other words, after a bit of cooling off, I wish we could calmly approach the other and say "Hey, I didn't appreciate you leaving, why did you do that?" We talked about communication some. She has a hard time telling me how she really feels because for so long she has held it in. Hopefully she understands I have a sincere interest in her feelings and that I can only react in a positive and constructive way if she tells me how she feels. I told her I can't read her mind, but I am truly interested in her thoughts and feelings.

Soooooo, are we headed in the right direction? I don't know for sure, but it feels a little better in my heart than it has for the past several weeks.

Thanks again.

debrajean

You have not lost...your both still together and still love one another. That's your starting point. I sincerely believe the two of you should attend therapy together. She needs to know how very serious you are about sharing your life with her and your family and not your hobbies. You need to be reassured that she wants to continue with your marriage. Therapy will force both your feelings out in the open and on the table. Knowing where you stand with one another is knowing what can be done to keep your relationship strong. Good luck!

blind

debrajean - I agree that we should be in therapy together. Her therapist wanted her to see him for 1 month before we go to a therapist together. I didn't really agree with this, but I am not a therapist and I must trust his judgment. He also told her that a happy marriage is the top priority. As an attorney, my clients sometimes disagree with me on issues but usually will trust my judgment. In the end they are glad they did. I hope the same rings true for her therapist's advice.

With regard to loving one another, there is no doubt that I love her dearly. I am not wholly convinced that she loves me. She tells me she does, but only after I say it first. When she responds, it just doesn't feel as convincing as it did before. Hopefully I am just being overly sensitive to her actions and have misinterpreted her true feelings.

Unless the schedule has changed, she is going to her therapist today after she gets off work. I am hopeful that he will now suggest couples therapy.

BTW - I gave her the birthday present last night. I didn't really know how she would react. I had gone to bed before her and just put it under the covers on her side of the bed. She found it and was able to read about all the different days that were planned for her. She said it was a very neat and thoughtful gift. I do believe that she liked it.

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed that we are headed in the right direction.

Thanks for the continued input.

blind

For anyone still reading this thread, here is another update. Maybe I should start a new thread, but for now I'll just post here.

Last week went fairly well, atleast from an observer's view point. I was able to keep my emotions in check and tried to be supportive of her and the kids. But, over the weekend she and I both had a break down. Friday night she just broke down into tears. I felt bad for her, put the kids to bed, and gave her some time and space. Saturday was okay but I could not sleep and basically stayed up most of the night. I got a little sleep on the couch, but when I woke up Sunday I was hurting very bad. We didn't fight at all over the weekend, but Sunday I was very quiet. I just couldn't act like things were okay anymore. My pastor even called to see how I was doing because he could tell I was hurting.

Last night she and I had a long talk. We were both very considerate, no mean words were said, but both of us were hurting very badly. She finally told me that she doesn't love anymore. She said her prayers were that what ever happens that our children will be okay and the I will stay in church. My prayer, on the other hand, is that God will help us through this tough time and our marriage will be stronger in the end. We both feel that in the past several weeks, with both of us seeing different therapists, that things are getting worse. Although I think she was reluctant, she again agreed to see a therapist together. We are making an appointment for next week, and I believe she will follow through this time. I told her that I firmly believe that people can fall in love the same person again. She said she hasn't been able to do marriage counseling because she is sorely afraid that the things she has to say will be devastating to me. I told her I had no choice but to try and save our marriage and that I would just have to handle whatever she has to say as best that I can. We ultimately concluded that sooner or later we are going to have to get all these feelins, good and bad, out on the table and that we might as well get started.

Aside from the obvious concerns of losing my wife, I am deeply concerned for our children. Our son is 5 and our daughter is 1. My parents divorced when I was 5. I have memories of not wanting to see my father, and then after seeing my father, not wanting to go home to my mother. I don't know how to handle the thought of my son and daughter going through the same thing. I also don't know how to handle the thought of all the things in my childrens' lives I will miss if we divorce. I know I will do my best to be a good father and be involved in their lives, but I also know there will be many things I will miss. For instance, last night my children were playing together and my daugther started laughing extremely hard at the things my son was doing. These little things happen without notice and if you aren't there you miss it. My father missed alot of my childhood. I still love him and he is a good friend. But, he still doesn't know me the way my mother does because he just wasn't around me as much.

I know people get through these things, but I just can't seem to understand how. I would like to hear from some you out there that have been through divorce with children and how you handled some of these situations. Thank you.

MyKidsMom

Well I’m still here.....I have read everything.......Your past self sounds just like my husband right now, this is his second marriage. We have been together for 13 years and man I feel like your wife. I commend you on your efforts, you need to hear that, you are doing the best that you can. Stay strong…………I don’t have any advice for you only that keep working at it. Love does come and go, and she just needs time.


The sun will shine again…. I’m giving you a pat on the back and (ata boy). Because not all men would stand up and take the blame that you have…. But remember there are 2 people in a relationship and we all make mistakes. And we teach people how to treat us.
Cyber Hug

__________________
I am one of a kind, to know me is to LOVE me.

MyKidsMom

P.s. please keep posting I love reading your posts. ")

__________________
I am one of a kind, to know me is to LOVE me.

blind

MyKidsMom - Thank you for the kind words. I am sorry to hear your husband has made some of the same mistakes I have. I've not been one to give advice to others at this point because I don't feel like I have any real words of wisdom to give regarding marriage and relationships. I don't know all the details of your situation (however I did read some of your posts). But, let me say this, I have wandered through the last several years of my marriage being BLIND. I have done a great deal of thinking about how I became so ignorant of my wifes feelings. While I am trying my best to accept full responsibility for my actions, I honestly believe that I am not the only one at fault for the martial problems my wife and I are experiencing. No I am not recanting on my admission that I have screwed up. Please hear me out. As we go through life we are going to make mistakes and people WILL get hurt. It is just our human nature. We aren't perfect and don't make the right decisions every time. My point is this: I know I did not put my wife first when I should have. But, as hard as I have tried at times, I am not a mind reader. We must communicate effectively with our spouses when something causes us to become upset. My wife and I do not communicate effectively. It takes two to have effective communication. For so long she acted as though things were fine. In my blindness, I just assumed everything was, in fact, okay. Finally, she let me know that she has felt this way so long that (1) She doesn't know if she wants our marriage to work and (2) She really doesn't love me anymore. I firmly believe our current situation could have been avoided if we communicated effectively years ago. I believe the things making her unhappy could have been readily addressed long before the love faded. Yes it can be difficult to tell someone how you truly feel. Yes it can be difficult to get their undivided attention. Yes it can be difficult to convince the other person that these issues are serious and must be addressed. But, we must communicate effectively because our marriages and happiness hang in the balance. Looking back my wife brought this up only a few times. But, it would seem to pass. I needed her to set me down, and calmly but sincerely explain how she felt, letting me know the gravity of the situation. She will agree that for some reason she can't talk to me. She is in counseling for this (among other issues). This Wednesday I am going to counseling with her so she can try and start talking to me about her feelings more openly. I have been told this session is for HER and not US. This is hard to take as I originally thought that this was the beginning of our marriage counseling. There again, we weren't able to communicate effectively and I was under the misunderstanding that we were starting marriage counseling. All the while, she knew this was counseling for her and not us.

MyKidMom - are you still with me? I know this is the long way around to saying you must do your very best to effectively communicate to your husband your feelings, concerns, and needs. Maybe you have already done this and he refuses to hear it. But, it may be worth another try. I can't imagine ending a marriage without being convinced that I did everything in my power to save it. If my marriage ends, I will be devastated. But, I will at least be able to find comfort in knowing (1) I did all I could once I knew there were problems and (2) I have learned a great deal and won't make the same mistakes again.

Now for a little update on my life. The weekend was uneventful. Anymore, this is a good thing. My wife and I spent some time together over the weekend. Nothing intimate or mushy, just kind of hanging out with the kids and watching a few movies after they went to bed. Weekends like this are so very bitter sweet. I got to spend some time with her, see her smile and laugh a few times, and watched her sleep for a little while. This makes me feel good in part and then the next moment my heart begins pounding and the hurt resets. I want so badly to take her in my arms and kiss her lips. I know you all don't know her, but her beauty is quite striking. This might be a little corny, but her head smells wonderful. Anyway, I just want to be able to love her openly. I know this isn't what she needs right now and do my best to control these feelings. I still tell her she is beautiful and that I love her. I am helping out more with the kids and the house. I am trying not to smother her. This morning when I told her bye and headed to work I gave her a hug and quick kiss. She hugged me back and I felt like she squeezed a little harder than she had been. Maybe she didn't, but it felt like it to me. I got to smell her hair and feel her pressed against me for a few moments. It warmed me a little on the inside.

I still cry almost everyday. I recover a little quicker and have been able to hide it a little better. I know she needs me to be strong and supportive but my heart still hearts most of the time. The hurt isn't as bad as it was. I am beginning to be able to sleep better. I still wake up several times a night, but I am able to go back to sleep. I am slowly being able to concentrate better at work. I am very fragile right now, but I think I'm getting stronger. I appreciate that it would not take much to put me into another tail spin, but I pray I can continue to be patient, grow, find some confidence, and push forward.

It helps me just to write things in this thread. The little bits of feedback and advice also help. This has become a journal of sorts for me. Thanks for reading.

draconis

Are you kidding? You are a person who knows what he did wrong and struggled through problems. This is a peer helping peer forum. How many people have said "I have been there too"?

draconis