I'm sorry to hear things are not going well for you. It's hard to even know what to say as you are in a bit of a catch 22. She seems to resent your efforts and you being there, yet I can fully understand why you do not want to leave. My only thought at this point in your relationship is to give her the space she needs and put your focus on your children. When I was feeling as your wife is now, I was thinking that since I felt I was doing it all for so many years on my own (taking care of the home and kids) that it wouldn't be a big change if my husband were out of the picture, in fact one less person to take care of (sounds heartless even as I type it now but how I felt nonetheless.) The only thing I can think of that would have made me think twice would be if I were to see him interact with the children and think about the impact on them if he were not there. My heart wasn't in it anymore and I couldn't force the way I felt, but the biggest struggle for me (as for you and I'm sure for your wife) is what divorce will do to the children. I can honestly say that even when I'm going through the worst of times, my children can always seem to put a smile on my face
Well, it has been a few weeks since I have posted here, but I have been lurking on this forum from time to time. I just thought today that I would give a little update to anyone that might be interested.
Since I posted last the emotional roller coaster has continued. But, I've come along way emotionally and overall I'm getting stronger each week. My wife is a little less withdrawn and I feel like our time together is getting more comfortable. I realize and appreciate that this may not mean much in the long run. But, if her feelings for me are ever going to return we must again be comfortable together and become closer friends.
The weekends have been the toughest for me because we often spend time with other couples and their children. I see how wonderful she is around our friends and how generous her friendship can be. It is difficult to see my wife treat them so terrifically and compare that to how she has been treating me. But, this too is improving. I'm still hypersensitive to her actions and that probably breeds hurt in my heart. I must continue to let the little things go an focus on the big picture. She hasn't left yet and despite her lack of loving feelings for me, we are doing better for the moment.
Last weekend she and I had some fun time together. I got to see her smile and laugh at something we did together. It felt very nice and had been a while since we shared something fun together. She still hasn't committed to anything in the way of trying to save the marriage but I hope she is reconsidering her previous plans. A month or so ago she let me know that she intended to separate this summer when our son is out of school. We haven't talked about that in a while, which is fine. I'm still hopeful she will give this more time.
So, my spirits are pretty good today and have been for the past week or so. I know there are many tough times ahead and that our relationship is still closer to divorce than making it work. I'm sticking to the plan and my changes are becoming easier to maintain. I've given her a little more space when I see she needs it. I still stuggle with the catch 22. I need her to understand that giving her space is not the same as me falling back into my old ways. When I give her space now it is because I feel she needs it but all the while I would rather be with her than apart. It is difficult to be an objective judge of myself, but I think I am becoming a pretty good husband. I just pray it is not too late for her to see this too and try and rekindle the love.
She still doesn't show me any affection or intimacy. From time to time I will still give her a hug or a kiss on the head. I tell her I love her and don't expect her to respond in kind. These things are tough also, but I want her to know that I will be here and that my feelings for her are still strong. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and that will be awkward. I'll have to prepare myself for it and hope for the best. Also, our son will be out of school soon as will my wife (she is a teacher). I'm very concerned that time could be getting short and we need to finish the school year on a high note. I must make that happen so that she can see more reason to stay and hopefully begin trying to rebuild all that is lost.
I suppose that is it for now. Thanks for reading and any further comment, advice, or thoughts are still very much appreciated.
Blind, I've been on this site for a few weeks, posting about my own issues I'm dealing with, but yesterday I found your original post and read through it all. I feel our stories are similar in some ways and I was looking to see how things all turned out with your wife but wasn't able to find it yet.
Like your wife, I was feeling neglected and alone in my marriage. Tried to ask my husband for what I needed a few times. Sometimes he made changes but they never stuck for long. He is a good man, a good husband who loves me but was focused on his business and less on me and our son. Communication was a huge problem. So in that way, our stories are similar.
I unfortunately took a different path and went outside the marriage to get the things I felt were missing. After a very short time with another man, my husband found out, and that's where the story sort of goes back to yours. I ended the affair immediately and within a month had ended all contact with TOM. I became very clear about what I wanted (in fact had wanted my husband all along - I never wanted to trade him in for another) and have focused on making myself a better person and doing things I should have been doing all along, like focus on my family, etc.
Now, however, while I am focused on rebuilding a better marriage, my husband is essentially not interested. He is still so hurt he can't figure out what to do with that pain so he can make a decision on whether to stay and try, or divorce. No matter what I do or say, there is no change. We are now on a trial separation for a few weeks, and then we, I mean, HE, needs to decide what to do next. Our son starts school after Labor Day and that brings its own stress for him, so we are trying to minimize any stress for him. I suspect it will take a while longer for my husband to figure things out and choose which path to take. BTW, the affair was in Nov. 07, so it's been 9 months now of this.
I noticed you said that when you started focusing on yourself, being happier, less mopey and clingy, your wife responded better. I suspect I need to do the same, mostly to start to heal myself and prepare for the worst so I can continue to be strong for my son. How were you able to do that? I am finding it hard to be upbeat and act like I am okay with things. Maybe I just need more time? I don't want to "act" like things are ok in hopes of changing his behavior, because I don't want to be manipulative. I want to actually walk the talk and believe it. Any suggestions?
Also, how are things going with you and your wife now? Did you ever separate over the summer? I hope things are better for you now.
Leahdorus - Thanks for asking about how things are going in my home. We are still living in the same home. However, just a few days ago my wife and I had a long talk. It was calm and caring, but left little hope of saving the marriage. Some time in the next few weeks she and the kids will be moving out. Certainly not what I want or have hoped for. She is very unhappy and believes she can't go on living this way. We are both concerned for our son who is 6 (there is obviously concern for our 1 1/2 year old daughter too). I believe once we figure out how and what to tell him that she will leave with the children shortly thereafter. I'm holding together pretty well despite the fact that this breaks my heart. I've been expecting this for months and have probably dealt with some of the pain. There will be many rough times ahead to be sure, but if I can keep my current mindset and keep my childrens' interests a the top of my list of priorities, I'll make it through this a better man. My wife and I want to be friends again and I believe we may be starting to make some progress based on the cordial and caring way things are being handled. We both appreciate that divorces often get very ugly. For now we both want to do all we can to avoid those vile tendecies. So, that is an update on my situation.
You asked how I worked on myself. I won't lie, this is something I struggle with daily. I'm am becoming at peace with my regretful past. I don't like the husband I was, but I can't go back and make different, better decisions. When my eyes were finally opened, I made changes. I've stuck with those. I'm a better husband and person now. I find some solace in knowing I have done everything in my power to save my marriage. It doesn't look like I was successful, but atleast I don't have to live with the thought that there was something more I could have done. As I slowly progressed through this I found more strength and comfort. That just kind of happened. Other things that helped me were working out, losing some weight, and dressing my best. You should be careful with things like that. It can be a red flag and suggest an affair. So you'll probably need to let your husband know why you are doing these things if you aren't already. Also, read The Five Languages of Love if you haven't already. I've learned that confident people are attractive. Make wise and thoughtout decisions that you won't second guess. It breeds confidence. If you need it and can afford it get counseling for yourself. I also recommend marriage counseling if you are both willing to go, be honest, and work at it. My wife went to joint counseling only once and then refused to return. I still believe had we gone early on that we may have had a better chance. That decision was not mine to make and not going to counseling isn't my cross to bear.
In my opinion being strong doesn't mean you have to be happy or act happy. I've been extremely unhappy since this all started last November. But I've gotten much stronger and have learned how to handle my emotions and use them to motivate me. For me being stronger meant being more grounded. I have become more stable and solid. I'm much less likely to break down to tears, get angry or say mean and hurtful things. I hope this occurs for you too. It will help you walk this dreadful path and will be a great benefit to your son. The more grounded I became the more comfortable I was. Smiles came a little more often and quickly. I haven't been "happy" for a year, but I have enjoyed getting closer to my children and I'm glad my eyes are open to the mistakes I made in my marriage. I may become involved in a relationship again some day. If so, I'll be a much better companion.
You will need to be patient. You said that HE needs to make up his mind after a few weeks of separation. I don't agree. You both need time to sort this out. Don't put deadlines on this. It is a life altering event and decisions of this sort shouldn't be made because of pressure to make up one's mind. I've not been cheated on, but I expect it hurts like hell. You know it was wrong and have made the necessary changes so I won't go into that any further. But, you can surely see that he'll need time to even start trusting you again. He'll also have trouble making the changes you need after the affair. Both of you have much work to do. Don't think of this fix happening in days, weeks, or even months (I know its already been 9 months for you). It'll move slow. It'll get easier. It'll get more comfortable and relaxed. If you both work at it there will be some fun, joy and good times during the repair process. Those little improvements will motivate you both. In my situation, I was the only one wanting to save the marriage. It just doesn't work that way. It will take you both. There will be times that you both falter. You'll both need to find the strength to forgive, the willingness to work on the marriage, and the stamina to see this through. He may not be able to work on the marriage right now. But if your patient, loving, trustworthy and supportive that may change. Time is your ally, not the enemy.
I hope something in all of that is helpful. My best to you. Fight for your marriage. Your family deserves your very best.
Blind, gosh I've only read your post today (all of it) and your story is just heart wrenching. I know you may not believe it now but God has his reasons for such things to happen & I know he will have greater things in store for you in your future because of the immense personal growth you have acquired through this ordeal. Stay strong and keep an open mind because you never know, after the separation, with her being truly alone taking care of the kids and not having you around, she may eventually have a change of heart. But the one thing I will say is don't press her and do allow her the space she needs, so that she can grow and find herself. With the continued interaction you will still have with your children and her own personal journey to find her self, be optimistic that she will open her eyes to see the changes in you. In the mean time just concentrate on doing what you can to make the best possible transition for your children.
My daughter was only 4 when I divorced and we hadnt lived together since she was 9 months old but she still had and continues to have a close relationship with him. So hopefully you will be able to continue your close relationship with your children. Many people have commended you on your genuine efforts, I would just like to support you to stay strong because you are a good/caring person and I firmly believe one day soon you will find your happiness because who could resist such a wonderful guy.
Re: I'm losing my only love
