can you *make* yourself love your wife?

Conflicted · 07-05-2009, 01:22 AM

Thanks for your post Wornthin

HELP ME. · 07-06-2009, 09:11 AM

Hey Wornthin - I appreciate the post! I cut out a bunch of it to a few points. YES!!!! I am happy around nearly anyone but her for whatever reason. It has been this way for years but I have always stuck by for the kids. Even after the trust issues I thought I could endure for the kids. Now that they kids are growing and mostly independent I have nothing.

Unfort, I do not have tons of friends. I moved to a different part of the state by her family and mostly just hung out with my kids so I really don't have a bunch of people to turn to. My family (dad, mom, 1 sister & 2 half brothers)is extremely small so that is limited as well. none live anywhere near me...

I think I always "got by" in the past with the kids as my buffer to happiness....now that they are doing their thing I find myself hating time around the house.

at this point, she is trying to make it work but it is not helping me.... we grew apart many many years ago and there is really nothing to bring it back. I regret my panic decision to try.

I am should be down to under 3 months until a Townhouse I own (with a huge mortgage) becomes vacant. It is only 1/2 a mile from the house, but in a different neighborhood... i think I need to LIVE and roll the dice and see what happens....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wornthin

Two elements of your story resonate in me…that you are happy with your friends and others (or for that matter just about anyone else) - and that you are not happy around your wife. In this way we seem almost exactly
the same in situation. The question is – is the picture that I paint of myself – for you?

what is your plan? how old are your kids? I had my neices over (her sister and kids) the other night and really enjoyed playing with them (they are 4&5 years old).... i miss that... that is the kind of stuff that made me stay in my marriage.

HELP ME. · 07-06-2009, 09:27 AM

I think you are right about not staying away long enough. First time i left she held the kids over my head "you won't see them until we go to court"..... that kind of stuff should have made me run further but somehow suckered me back in.... I LOVE MY KIDS!!! At some point I thought we had an honest shot at trying..... that at fizzled quickly with more trust issues.

Second time back was clearly a knee jerk reaction and we said we would take it slow....but for some reason we didn't... she put her ring back on within about a week.... i started staying over way too quickly and the rest has been torture for the most part....

I went to a counselor by myself and explained my lack of feelnigs for her. he basically said "get a plan, stick to it and know there will be consequences....be prepared"... that is the hard truth. When we have gone to counseling together it is sort of "beat around the bush" kind of stuff.... i don't have anywhere to go right now... $ will be an issue as it is...

I do not think I am depressed so much as I am feeling like I am TRAPPED.... so i am hoping to survive until my townhouse is vacant and hurt her feelings (not on purpose) and move out again. It would be nice is she would own up to being the cause of the first 2 move outs but she doesn't. she sees nothing wrong with her actions of sleeping in motel rooms with guys and not telling me, etc.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heidiw

If you've left & come back a few times then you didn't stay away long enough to truly figure out your feelings & what you really wanted. You also have to sit down with your wife & explain what you are going through. She may have the same feelings or maybe feel like something is going on. You have to be honest with her & yourself.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor but any good counselor's will want you to work through your feelings to see what really triggered this feeling. If your depressed that person will get to the root of what is going on. Also they will ask to see your wife if that is ok with you & her. When you are ready then see if she will attend because both of you will be able to work things out in a better light. If the environment is calm & another person is there who is bias then they can point out certain things to both of you.

I've felt like you at points through my marriage but I did some soul searching to what was going on with me. I also went to counseling & figured out that it was something I was going through with my past that was making me feel this way.

Don't throw it away just yet.

okeydokie · 07-06-2009, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HELP ME.

We have had trust issues in the past (her lodging in same hotel rooms as opposite sex and not telling me) that caused me to leave

seems everyone has glossed over this comment. i would be livid had my wife done this, and despite any efforts she might make to convince me otherwise, i would be tormented with the thought that more than a room was shared.

i doubt i could come back from this.

To the original question, your situation is similar to my own. there are times i cant stand to be around my wife. they seem to be getting more frequent. without regular intimacy, i struggle to find the patience for the rest of what makes a marriage work. there are other issues affecting my situation that i wont go into, but resentment is my number one problem.

HELP ME. · 07-06-2009, 12:51 PM

YES! I am unsure as to what happened but it boiled down to a bunch of lies....i do not think I ever got the true story. It actually happened back in 2006 and again in 2008 after I had moved back in. I am stoopid!!!! I always revert back to horrible feelings for the kids. Now I am dreading living on my savings to get by..... and dreading even more the fact that I have to endure this for 2-3 more months unless I can find some kind of temp housing that is semi affordable...

I wish my parents lived somewhere near here for me to shack up with them for a bit.

Somehow in the end of all of this, I look like the ****head by moving out desite all of her actions. The kids will never know the truth. I would love to tell them but really cannot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by okeydokie

seems everyone has glossed over this comment. i would be livid had my wife done this, and despite any efforts she might make to convince me otherwise, i would be tormented with the thought that more than a room was shared.

i doubt i could come back from this.

To the original question, your situation is similar to my own. there are times i cant stand to be around my wife. they seem to be getting more frequent. without regular intimacy, i struggle to find the patience for the rest of what makes a marriage work. there are other issues affecting my situation that i wont go into, but resentment is my number one problem.

Do you have kids?