My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate.

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Old 07-01-2009, 12:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate.

Background:

We've been together for 11 years, married for 6 1/2. I lost my virginity to him. I love him dearly, always have. We have 2 small children together.

We've had a rough 2 years. Job losses, financial problems, a miscarriage, etc. I haven't been the most supportive wife and I know that. He hasn't been the best husband either, but I think I've definitely not been a great wife.

He is confused and says he MIGHT leave. We have had 4 or 5 really honest discussions and I want to work on our marriage. I've acknowledged my mistakes and am working very hard on making things right. I can't be perfect, but I want to do everything in my power to save my marriage.

He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.

He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.

And I'm supposed to just sit here, working on our marriage wondering if/when he's going to leave?! It's heartbreaking.

He's very distant to me and I can tell he's not happy, even when I'm doing everythign to make him happy.

The only time he's happy is when we're intimate, and he tells me he loves me, and all of these romantic things. He wants to be intimate quite often, even after having said this.

He says he still loves me but doesn't know if he can forgive me.

I can't even EAT or think about anything else because I'm always worrying if he's going to leave me and why he's toying with my emotions.

What can I do?? Please help.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

seems he has given you an ultimatuim, to put out or he will leave..... if it were me I'd not have sex with him and tell him adios.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

You posted: "..think I've definitely not been a great wife..."

What I think you need to do is chill, stop your fretting for the time being.

Take his need for sorting his issues with you out as a good sign.

He is still wanting to be intimate with you, (usually that is the last thing to go, if it goes at all ) so just enjoy that for what it is.

No possible affair in the background for him?
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

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seems he has given you an ultimatuim, to put out or he will leave..... if it were me I'd not have sex with him and tell him adios.
well that doesn't make any sense, because we've always had a rockin' sex life, no matter what the circumstances. I've never not put out. We have had sex 3-4 times a week since we've been married, minus the times when I've given birth and situations like that.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

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No possible affair in the background for him?
No. He spends 100% of his free time at home with us. He's a great dad and spends a bunch of time with the kids. I know his work schedule (I can see it), and he comes home right after work.

He has 2 cell's...a personal and a work...and he leaves them around and I've checked them. I also check internet history and have checked his emails.

I felt I had to be sneaky and check all of this because of the sitation, don't flame me. But so far I am almost 100% sure he can't be having an affair. There just isn't time for it and he's with us the majority of the time.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.

He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.

And I'm supposed to just sit here, working on our marriage wondering if/when he's going to leave?!
_______________________________________________

What I meant was to not sit around waiting, tell him to leave, it could help him decide what he wants to do and you won't be hanging. If my husband told me that, I'd tell him he could move out and think about it before I filed for the divorce. If he isn't sure he can forgive you, maybe he can't. There is no marriage then.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

Quote:
Originally Posted by preso View Post
He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.

He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.

And I'm supposed to just sit here, working on our marriage wondering if/when he's going to leave?!
_______________________________________________

What I meant was to not sit around waiting, tell him to leave, it could help him decide what he wants to do and you won't be hanging. If my husband told me that, I'd tell him he could move out and think about it before I filed for the divorce. If he isn't sure he can forgive you, maybe he can't. There is no marriage then.
I told him to leave the other night because I can't handle being tortured like this ...the "maybe, maybe not" thing is killing me.

He then changed the subject and started crying and we got intimate (sorry if that's TMI).

Always though...the next day after we're intimate he's distant and seems unhappy. I continue to try, but it just seems like this cycle of:

hubby unhappy,
discuss feelings,
crying,
intimacy....

hubby unhappy... and start the cycle all over again and inbetween I'm doing everything right to make this work (being supportive, doing things for him, etc).
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

I told him to leave the other night because I can't handle being tortured like this ...the "maybe, maybe not" thing is killing me.
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thats what I would do too, only I wouldn't be sleeping with him and I'd tell him to go on and leave.
I'd help him pack.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

Cake and eat it to syndrome with the GIGS...chuck his ass...

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Old 07-01-2009, 01:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

Wow, a lot of bitter people on here just telling me to give up and kick him out.

I married this man because I love him. I stood before God and said until death do us part. I made children with him.

It's not that easy people. I lost my virginity when i was 16 to him.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

How long has he been doing this? What did you do that he considers unforgivable for?

I would not chuck a marriage in this economy, especially if you have stresses and strains associated with the economy..would tend to ride it out a bit longer than if you didn't have all those factors...

What specifically did you do? What has him SO torn up? You and he have CHILDREN, a man does not lightly give up kids/wife if there is NO "other woman" influencing him through testosterone overload....
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

Not bitter...just experienced...and no, it's never easy...but it depends on how much you want to torture yourself and be tortured.

The sure thing makes more sense than relishing in the unknown.

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Old 07-01-2009, 01:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

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Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
How long has he been doing this? What did you do that he considers unforgivable for?

I would not chuck a marriage in this economy, especially if you have stresses and strains associated with the economy..would tend to ride it out a bit longer than if you didn't have all those factors...

What specifically did you do? What has him SO torn up? You and he have CHILDREN, a man does not lightly give up kids/wife if there is NO "other woman" influencing him through testosterone overload....
It is very complicated. I've torn him down. I know I have. He has a degree in economics and he's working at a pest control place because he can't get anything else. I've made him feel horrible for that, even though he's doing everything in his power to keep our family afloat, even if the job title is embarrassing.

I was a b**** and have made him feel worthless because of this.

I acknowledge that. I felt helpless and my family isn't supportive and I have no one to talk to, so I tell him my issues (because I consider him to be my best friend) and so he hears all of my complaints about his position, etc.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

I'm not going to say leave him. Sounds like you guys have BOTH been thru the ringer the past few years, and it also sound like you BOTH are in a lot of pain. How did he handle the miscarriage? I ask this, because men tend to internalize emotions, and there could be a lot of pain there that he is not openly admitting to. He may need to talk to a professinal about that, so he can work thru it the right way.
I'm guessing he DOES want to work on the marriage also, but he sounds scared that things won't change. Would he agree to go to some sort of counseling?
The best I can tell you is to be strong. Don't dwell on the "what if's" right now...they will consume you, and you will never get anywhere in fixing things. Try to continue to talk things out with him, ask him to give you specific examples of what he needs from you. DON'T get offended when he does. Remember, you both have a different perspective, and whats most important is for you guys to move forward, and not get caught up in the blame game.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate

The miscarriage was really hard on me. He was supportive for the first 24 hours and he did his crying. After that, when I was crying myself to sleep and crying harder than I'd ever cried in my life, he actually said the words, "get over it" and that's something I will always remember, even though I've forgiven him for it.

I do think he's internalized the pain of the miscarriage.

We absolutely cannot afford marriage counseling. No way, no how. We are in over our heads already. Him being laid off for awhile took away all of our savings, etc.
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