Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

This question really bothers me.

I have spoken to lots of women and I'm unable to get a logical answer.
Met a friend of mine in the gym yesterday and she confessed to me that her husband beats her.
She had to do corrective surgery on her nose because he fractured it.
She's young,well educated ,has a good job and very beautiful.
Yet she suffers in silence.

Another friend of mine, upper class .A high level manager for a very large company, 1000+ employees.
Three daughters , one with a degree in English , the other a psychology major and the thrid just 10 years old.
Abusive husband, EVERYBODY knows. The man is a complete a$$hole. He works nowhere. SHE PAYS THE MORTGAGE , and they live in an upper class " gated community " area. House is worth millions.
I once told her over 10 years ago, that even though she's accepting his abuse ,she needs to " man up " because her daughters might suffer the same fate.
Her prettiest daughter , a psychology major, seems to have gotten
" the curse ." Bright girl,but she is always attracted to men who abuse her physically and sexually. She's a bit on the wild side. She once allowed herself to be filmed having a threesome, when she was just 20 yrs old. Shyt hit the fan and the clip was " released ." Her mom saw it and she almost had a mental breakdown.
I knew her daughters since they were kids. I remember talking to the daughter after the incident, asking her one question.
"..K....., why do you allow men to do you these things..?"
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and replied ;
"..I don't know.."
She is now back " in love" with one of her old boyfriends who used to beat her....
The never ending cycle of abuse.
Why?
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Last edited by Caribbean Man; 12-29-2012 at 08:30 AM.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

I am am woman, and I honestly have no idea either. I know a few women in similar situations, my own mother being one of them. The cycle didn't continue to me though, I have never been hit or abused by my Husband at all.

I will say this though, men who hit women should have thier balls cut off and shoved down thier own throats until they choke on them and die.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

I have no idea when it is physical violence, which for most people is an obvious deal breaker.
However some people I've known claim that it starts subtly, escalates gradually and by then her self worth has been so eroded. Or she is afraid to leave because that is often when violence can really escalate.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Well as a guy married to an Abusive woman I can understand how women feel with abusive male partners. It is horrible. They say sorry, they promise never to do it again, yet it happens again again. Why stay, in my case a small child. I would rather put up with her attacks, which usually are minor scratches to my arms and the occasional bruise, than see my boy sad that his parents have separated.
You never stop loving the partner who beats on you, its really odd. Anyone, seeing the relationship from the outside would say get out immediately! But its not that simple.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_in_ca View Post
I have no idea when it is physical violence, which for most people is an obvious deal breaker.
However some people I've known claim that it starts subtly, escalates gradually and by then her self worth has been so eroded. Or she is afraid to leave because that is often when violence can really escalate.
I agree, if I ever threaten to leave, she threatens to harm herself
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

As a woman who was in an abusive relationship and left, I do not know why women stay. Yes, it's hard to leave. Yes, it's hard to get back on your feet. Yes, it's hard to feel worthy again. But it's doable and it's a HELL of a lot better than stayin in that mess.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bjornmarriage View Post
You never stop loving the partner who beats on you, its really odd.
Interesting point of view.
I think I see your point.

But let me ask a question. When you say love, do you mean like love that person in a way that you feel sorry for them ?
In other words,
Do you the victim also see them as a type of victim in a different sense ?
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man View Post
This question really bothers me.

I have spoken to lots of women and I'm unable to get a logical answer.
Met a friend of mine in the gym yesterday and she confessed to me that her husband beats her.
She had to do corrective surgery on her nose because he fractured it.
She's young,well educated ,has a good job and very beautiful.
Yet she suffers in silence.

Another friend of mine, upper class .A high level manager for a very large company, 1000+ employees.
Three daughters , one with a degree in English , the other a psychology major and the thrid just 10 years old.
Abusive husband, EVERYBODY knows. The man is a complete a$$hole. He works nowhere. SHE PAYS THE MORTGAGE , and they live in an upper class " gated community " area. House is worth millions.
I once told her over 10 years ago, that even though she's accepting his abuse ,she needs to " man up " because her daughters might suffer the same fate.
Her prettiest daughter , a psychology major, seems to have gotten
" the curse ." Bright girl,but she is always attracted to men who abuse her physically and sexually. She's a bit on the wild side. She once allowed herself to be filmed having a threesome, when she was just 20 yrs old. Shyt hit the fan and the clip was " released ." Her mom saw it and she almost had a mental breakdown.
I knew her daughters since they were kids. I remember talking to the daughter after the incident, asking her one question.
"..K....., why do you allow men to do you these things..?"
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and replied ;
"..I don't know.."
She is now back " in love" with one of her old boyfriends who used to beat her....
The never ending cycle of abuse.
Why?
Because women are hard-wired to be attracted to dominant men rather than beta "nice guys" and violence sometimes comes with the territory.

Throughout human history, women would rather share an alpha male with other women than settle for a beta. Genetic research has found that before the modern era, 80% of women managed to reproduce, but only 40% of men did. The obvious conclusion is that a few top men had multiple wives while the bottom 60% had no mating prospects at all.

It's primal my man. Why do you think so many violent men in prison still attract women. There are even websites now to hook women up with prisoners.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man View Post
Interesting point of view.
I think I see your point.

But let me ask a question. When you say love, do you mean like love that person in a way that you feel sorry for them ?
In other words,
Do you the victim also see them as a type of victim in a different sense ?
I guess its a love that you have known them for so long, you know all those little things that make them special under that angry violent side. I am not sure if she is a victim when its all one sided.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:57 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bjornmarriage View Post
I guess its a love that you have known them for so long, you know all those little things that make them special under that angry violent side. I am not sure if she is a victim when its all one sided.
Ok,
Understood.
But what I meant by her being a " victim" is more like a victim of her own circumstance.
She is unable to control her anger like any " normal " person does, probable because of childhood issues etc. so you feel sorry for her and view her as a victim.

Sometimes that happens to some women. In the second example I gave in the original post, the woman told me that her husband had a rough childhood. He was abandoned and abused etc.
She feels " sorry" for him ,and after over three decades of marriage, still feel that she could " fix " him.

Funny thing is that years ago she could have left, but she thought of her two girls,so she stayed.

Then she got pregnant wit the third daughter.......
Things are so bad now that she's contemplated suicide.
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man View Post
Ok,
Understood.
But what I meant by her being a " victim" is more like a victim of her own circumstance.
She is unable to control her anger like any " normal " person does, probable because of childhood issues etc. so you feel sorry for her and view her as a victim.

Sometimes that happens to some women. In the second example I gave in the original post, the woman told me that her husband had a rough childhood. He was abandoned and abused etc.
She feels " sorry" for him ,and after over three decades of marriage, still feel that she could " fix " him.
I guess you could say that. She did suffer bullying from other women at a International University, I would say she has some form of PTSD. She does target me for her own unhappiness. I just put up with it
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

But do you think that maybe she could be fixed?
Like with professional help?
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

It's not just a female vs male thing, abused men stay too.
They don't leave for the same reasons people don't leave cheating spouses, because they "love" them more than they love themselves.
In a normal, healthy relationship, there are boundaries of what is acceptable behavior from both involved, when a person has a skewed sense of self, they did not develop those same boundaries.
Without those boundaries in place, they will allow their partner to beat them, cheat on them, steal from, etc, all in the name of love.
I do believe these issues stem from childhood, where they never learned to love right, where there could have been little to no love shown towards them.
Then they meet the abuser or cheater, the first one to show them love & they can't get enough, they are willing to go through hell, just so they can stay with that person, because they showed them love, however skewed that version of love maybe.
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbean Man View Post
But do you think that maybe she could be fixed?
Like with professional help?
We have tried two psychologists, both failed to notice that she just sat there agreeing with everything they said and the fact she didnt pay any attention to the suggestions they made. She just shuts down with psychologists. Its been 7 years, I doubt she can be fixed
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

I'm sure the reasons vary, but my guess is mostly due to low self esteem, no self respect, etc. If you have been in an abusive situation, then after awhile you tart to believe you are worthless and can do no better than what you're already in. Some people believe they may get into something far worse if they leave. Many people actually justify why they stay, by saying things like, "But he is good to me at times", or "he buys me things, or he doesn't mean to, he is just stressed." Most people in abusive relationships will try to make excuses at some point for the other persons behavior. Same with people who stay with people who have addictions.

Money issues, and kids might be another reason in their mind as well. People who have been abused are usually so torn and damaged emotionally/mentally they no longer even think straight at times, and start to believe they deserve the treatment the are getting.

Its sad.
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