Messed Up Situation
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Old 07-04-2009, 01:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Messed Up Situation

Well I'm brand new to this forum but not new to the forum type discussion. Let me start by giving some detail about myself. I have been married for just over 3 years, ten months and my Wife and I have a one year old little girl. In the past my Wife caught me keeping my porn viewing from her. I did admint that it was srong of me to do it and I never did it since. This was a source of embarrassment for me and I felt bad about it. This isn't a problem for me and I don't make a habit of looking at it often. The thing with my Wife is she takes trust very seriously and when it's broken or strained she doesn't trust very well after that. Over two years ago when we were going through some CD's at home there was a CD that she placed into the computer when I was at work and there was video of some girl stripping on the disc. She immediately assumed it was mine. I told her that it wasn't and she dropped it and it was true, the Cd wasn't mine and I have no idea where it even came from. I was the honest truth but my Wife doesn't care about whether or not I'm telling the truth, she just keeps thinking about the past and the one issue that kept bothering her was when I kept the porn from her. No matter what I tell her I just can't get her to believe me. Now today I was putting some music on her MP3 player and inside there was a separate memory stick which wasn't mine. I have a memory stick in my Cell Phone but it holds numbers and the occasional picture for caller ID. Well on the memory stick was pictures of a bunch of stuff...a person with a baby, come guy with a dog...looked like a vet and....you guessed it...some girl in very provocative poses.....got blamed for that eventhough the memory stick isn't even mine but my Wife thinks it is and doesn't believe me when I tell her it isn't mine. I Love My Wife eventhough she annoys the hell out of me sometimes and I adore my precious little girl and a cry inside when I think of not being around her to see her grow up. The memory stick does not belong to me and I have no idea where it came from nor do I know how it got inside my Wife's MP3 player. I don't want something like this to ruin My Marriage. I want to be there for my Wife and Daughter and cannot fathom the thought of ever leaving them. I suppose if I had no children it would be easier but it would still hurt a great deal inside. How can I tell my Wife that I am telling the truth? She keeps finding ways that I could have still taken the pics eventhough I didn't have a cell phone when they were taken and we had a new baby at the time and before that she was pregnant. So I just found time to leave and tek some pics of some girl who looks to be in high school. This has really gotten to me and I don't want it to ruin what could be a salvageable relationship. I owe it to my little girl.

Thanks
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Old 07-04-2009, 01:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Messed Up Situation

I don't happen to think porn is a problem until/unless it is used IN PLACE of normal intimacy.

I think your wife should see a counselor to get over her "trust" issues. If she continues to think up ways you could have taken the pix...you'll never hear the end of it!

As for the pix on the CD and memory stick...just delete them (reburn the CD without the pic).
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Old 07-04-2009, 11:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Well thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. Porn was never a substitute for intmacy I was just watching it one night while she was sleeping and she saw me. Other than that we have usually watched it together. I always told My Wife that when we both met eachother and became close and were dating that I had obstacles in my way from the beginning which was basically every hurtful thing she had ever had done to her by some other guy which had weaknened her trust in men and forcerd her to put up the wall of defence. She never believed it.

Right now as it stands she has let this rather difficult time pass by the wayside for now so she says. I have reassured her that in No way would I ever risk our family over something stupid like this. I have way too much respect for myself, my family and I would never risk hurting my little girl by betraying Her Mother in this way. I could never look at myself in the mirror if I thought that I had done something like this and meant it. It's almost like she wants to believe that I have done something to her so she can validate her own feelings. My Wife has always been a bit needy when it comes to her feeling good about herself. Weak Self-Esteem caused by her Mother when she was younger has cause her to become overweight, eat for comfort and feel like she has always had to impress others especially her Mother or to just show her that she is reaching out. I know that deep down she wants a relationship with her Mother because she always comes back for more when they have a falling out and then I'm the one who has always had to pick up the peices afterwards when they have a big blow out.

A lot of times I feel as if the issues My Wife has over this rediculous issue with these pictures comes from the trust issues she has had all the time throughout her life. I can't make her see that. All I can do is comfort her through the rough times but that doesn't seem to matter to her. My Wife used to be a very generous and giving person and she still is to a certain degree but now she just wants so much it's borderline greedy need. I can only do so much. She complains that I sometimes don't spend enough time with My Daugher but I have to work two jobs because she doesn't have even one. I have a car loan that's up end of next March and I want to quit my weekend Job and let my Wife work but she got weird when I mentioned it. I really think she is afraid to work. She hasn't been steadily employed since 2004 November when she was laid off an Insurance Job. We were getting married in 2005 and she broke her foot in '05 in Feb, in the snow and was unable to work due to therapy. When she went for job interviews she had to tell everyone she was getting married and no one wanted to hire her when they found out she was going to be taking two weekes off for a Honeymoon. When we got back from P.E.I. she was suppose to get a job but she let her License expire and then decided she wanted to do other things. This put a big knot in all out marriage plans because we were suppose to get our bills paid off and she wasn't working and she said she would. My Wife may have trust issues with me but I have almost no faith in her ability to be independant from me in her ability to contribute to half of our finances and our household. My Wife is a messy person when it comes to cleaning up most of the time. She is a self proclaimed procrastinator who never finishes anything which is why I find baby bottles all over the place sometimes hours after she has fed Our Daughter. In the summer she has rarely taken Our Daughter outside because she can't stand the heat. I explain to her that even if that's the case she should still take her out. It's not about her it's about Our Daughter and the fact that she can't sit in air conditioning all day... she needs fresh air. I find my wife to be sometimes less than adequate when it comes to caring for my Daughter in the activity level she has set for herself which impedes her ability to take her on outings and basic stimulation from the outside world. Of course it doesn't help that she's on four Celexa per day. This wasn't the case when we were first Married. My Wife's Depression has steadily increased over the last three to four years. She went from two 20mg pills perday to four in less than two years. Of course she did lose her Gramma to a stroke Feb, 06th of this year which was devastating because she was the last family member she was truly close to. Her Mother kicked her out of the house when she was a teenager and her Grandparents took her in and basically were parents to her more than her mother. I Love My Wife and My Daugher. I Love being the Provider...most of the time but sometimes enough is enough. Kinda makes the initial issue of why I joined this forum seem dumb doesn't it?

Thanks and sorry for the rant.
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Old 07-05-2009, 05:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Messed Up Situation

I used to be very jealous of porn women and put my ex bf through hell over it. My ex put up with alot of crap and i since apologized for it and grew out of my jealousy.

You are putting up with alot by being a provider and having to deal with themess. Your wife should be doing something to help herself feel good. You are a good man for putting up wtih this bu uderstand that enough is enough. Hang in there.
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Messed Up Situation

Lilly_daddy, I think you should get your DW into counseling.

She has you for a doormat, providing everything she wants.

Once the bills are down, stop your extra job. Next time you go shopping, bring back ramen and beans. Tell her that's what you all will be eating until she gets a job.

You are making a LOT of effort (which is commendable)...but stop doing that! You are enabling her.

That kind of effort is great in the short term; but, NOT good for the long term.
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If you keep hauling the mail, she has no reason to change.

It does sound like she needs some councelling. Is it possible you could convice her so?

The longer she stays out of work the worse it will get. She might even feel better to be out there doing things. Its just getting started thats the hard part for someone with her issues.

Good Luck.
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Old 07-11-2009, 12:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yeah I keep getting told by friends and family that my Wife has issues. Lately she has been great and I'm not too sure if that's the ant-depressants or if she is genuinley happy with herself. right now she's planning a Twentieth Anniversary for her Parents who took off to the east coast when they friggin knew that we would be having a birthday party for my daughter. Honestly who does that??? Go to the Friggin East Coast at the beginning of July when on the 12th my Daughters Party is being held and for that they get a god damned party in November...Nice. My Wife has this thing where she feels it necessary to do everything for them so she can get this validation for her supposed love. I can't stand it. She get's into fights with her Mother and now she's spending our money on this party...money that could be better spent on our bills.
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Old 07-11-2009, 08:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilly_daddy View Post
Yeah I keep getting told by friends and family that my Wife has issues. Lately she has been great and I'm not too sure if that's the ant-depressants or if she is genuinley happy with herself. right now she's planning a Twentieth Anniversary for her Parents who took off to the east coast when they friggin knew that we would be having a birthday party for my daughter. Honestly who does that??? Go to the Friggin East Coast at the beginning of July when on the 12th my Daughters Party is being held and for that they get a god damned party in November...Nice. My Wife has this thing where she feels it necessary to do everything for them so she can get this validation for her supposed love. I can't stand it. She get's into fights with her Mother and now she's spending our money on this party...money that could be better spent on our bills.
Not a good idea to spend money when you dont have enough to cover the basics.
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Old 07-18-2009, 06:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I agree about the money thing. She will be spending more money on this party than she did on Our Daughtes Birthday Party. She always talks about paying the bills and getting out of debt but she has spent ablot of money on things that don't matter. I on the other hand like to spend on things that perhaps will be there the next day. I have a Computer that I built from the ground up and sometimes I might spend some money on it. I haven't spent anything in quite some time but here she is trying to impress her parents and most of the time she can't stand them. They are the ones that left to go to the East Coast at the beginning of July and Out Daughters Party was on the 12th. My Wife was angry at that and now they get a party out of it.....Nice.

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