XiaSulin

You know what really makes me mad/sad Preso? Is that regular people who can work and have no issues with working can get on SSI and Medicade purely because they can't see, are legally blind, have trouble hearing in one ear, or whatever. Who could be over 65 but can work like there is no tomorrow, and get to take your money and still work a job with a regular income, like the rest of us. That there are people who are in situations similar to ours and that just because of a random thing like a disability that doesn't keep you from working, get a ticket for money.

XiaSulin

For the record we are both opposed to SSI, the only thing we're looking at right now is health insurance. And for another record yes we both qualify for medicaid. I'm not a charity case, we're taking what we need and that is it. We don't need very much of anything. So please stop looking at it as a personal vendetta. Now that I think about it this issue with my father is more like your issue because you think that because of him, you have to pay for it, since I'll assume that you include yourself in that list of taxpayers.

swedish

Preso, XiaSulin has paid far more a price for what her father has done than any of us ever will and hearing her rationale behind how she plans to deal with this going forward clearly shows her intentions are to protect and keep her family safe.

XiaSulin ~ I loved your Mr. Rogers story...he was my favorite as a kid (had to watch by myself as my brothers/sisters did not agree!) The house I grew up in was fairly chaotic and Mr. Rogers brought some order and was somehow calming.

I did not have cable either until my kids were older and I needed internet for work so it came with the package, so they grew up with PBS kids shows but once we did get cable it was hard to pull them away from the t.v.

If your father is not financially supporting you (at least 50% I believe), he should not be claiming you. Once you do start working, claiming yourself & your kids will help you retain the most $ possible from your paychecks as far as taxes go.

XiaSulin

Swedish: Oh! I love Mr. Rogers too! My favourite is his mad song. Esp. since sometimes I get so angry with life and truthfully I can't blame anyone for it. I can't even blame the victimizers or people who should have done something. But I have to direct it all sometimes. Otherwise I'm not very fun to be around. I want to teach my kids early in life how to handle their anger, how to direct and release it in a healthy way. Something I had to learn a bit later. Sometimes what I show them comes back at me. Like when one of them came to me while I was crying and said 'Mommy you can stomp if you want to.' I can't remember what I was crying about but it made me chuckle.

We watch preselected movies, that I designate as movies that have values. When they get a bit older I will let them choose their own, but for now. Like the movie Up, it was a beautiful movie we watched it together. I feel like a hypocrite because growing up I was watching whatever I wanted, eating whatever I wanted. And here I am screening what they watch until I think they're mature enough to handle other stuff. And at the same time I don't want to shelter them to the point of not knowing who winnie the pooh is (like my husband had never heard of him etc.). And at the same time unless they've got a lesson to teach I don't really see why my kids should watch it.

I hope we never get cable! Ahaha. And as for the internet lol I've seen the crazy stuff they have on this net, it's horrible, so I don't know what to do when they reach a time that they want to come out on here. But I don't think I'll let them on for a really long time.

I really like the information you have just given me. If my dad is still claiming me regardless of the fact that he knows he's not supporting me, then I think that is his responsibility right? I don't have to worry about him? He's been an adult longer than I have so I hope he understands that? (Do most adults know this information already?)

MizSmith: Oh man you don't know how much it means to hear that. I was starting to feel like a thief for even considering the idea.

I'm really relieved that the pressure of telling them their biological father is off. I ended up thinking about it all day. I cried a bit to the idea, gave myself a panic attack. A lot of adoption 'how to's' deal with telling more about how you didn't grow in the mother's stomach and they sure grew in mine, and that usually accompanies that father not being biological. And I'm not too keen on even considering explaining their father as a 'stepfather' not that there's anything wrong with that, he's just not that to them. Then I came to the conclusion that I don't have to tell them about that because emotionally their father is my husband, has been since their conception. He was the one who came to the hospital, the one who helped with feeding and diapers. Ah, thinking about it is making me cry a little but the kind of nostalgic/melancholy kind of. I gotta move off that topic for a while.

We didn't have much expenses, this is why we have such high savings. Before this we didn't have rent, and we don't have to pay for food. And anytime we did have to pay for our own food we set up a monthly budget that we timesed by the year. It's easy to stay in the budget and still eat something edible if you know where to go, and if you make friends with people who own food places! (Ahaha)

Anyway we weren't like regular kids who spent their money as soon as they got candy. He started working when he was 13 after he found out I was pregnant. I don't know how he did it but one of his friends got him a job, as for me I was scraping up money from holidays and gifts and adding it to my savings account as well. Anything that was a monthly expense (I'm gonna get a bit...tmi (too much information) here) but things like diapers and menstrual pads. I actually reverted to using cloth fabric which I would cut up and fold out of fabrics...my favourite thing was using really soft thick towels. Because I really couldn't afford to do all that buying, before that decision one of my grandmothers was also helping me out with the cost but I hated feeling like a money grubber so I just did what I would do if I weren't getting help to cut prices down. It helped with my sensitive skin. And instead of buying formula I breastfed, except for my oldest I couldn't breastfeed her right away, and it was my first time so there were a lot of issues but it was that or depending on my other grandmother for baby formula forever and that just wasn't happening. It's not their job to take care of my kids. So I made sure I got it to work.


Thoughts: After I posted here on the forums I started to do some thinking. This conversation has made me think of a lot of things that previously I had kept out of the forefront of my mind. Emotionally and Mentally I feel like if either of us take SSI that we're stealing. I feel like that because there are so many other people in our situation but because they don't have some sort of disability they are stuck, and I feel like we're getting some 'Easy Pass'. For me and my husband we have been doing a lot of hair pulling. We are still deciding what we're going to do and how because morally I feel like a thief.

Nothing really prevents either of us from working in a 'our body works sense' he's legally blind so it gets hard getting hired but he's fully capable. There are other jobs that we decided on that he can do if others are hesitant of hiring him (esp. in the current economy). Music/Languages.

For me there is nothing wrong with my body in the sense that I can work, but I have severe ptsd which manifests in so many nasty ways. And I have CFS among other annoying things. (The two of us together we're such a pair *lol*) I want to work though, I want to work in a cafe with dishes and sandwiches and hot drinks! And I wouldn't mind caring for animals and people, esp. older people. The problem is I don't want to work outside of home for too many hours which is why I enjoy the offer to tutoring people with English more, because I can bring them here or go to them but it often doesn't take too much time.

I just don't feel like I am deficient even though I have 'these' sort of things. I think I could work just like anybody else, and that there are people worse off, and I don't feel like it's fair that they're willing to give us a helping hand while other people who have just as much a chance to succeed aren't. So morally we've been debating if and how much help we're willing to take from the government, and discussing what we're doing without them.

I contacted a therapist today because both of us need to look into cognitive therapy (1 of the good things about my mental crap is that cognitive behavioural therapy helps a lot for all over them--it overlaps). I used to want to be a therapist, but emotionally not ready for it yet.

So that was one thing that this has made me think more deeply on. Next was birth control! I am very irrational sometimes to the point of tears because I start think I'll get raped and pregnant again. And next to rape I am horrified of getting pregnant again. As joyful as it is creating a life in a world so full of overcrowding and trauma, emotionally it brings back things along with a mixture of emotions that make me truly an...insane person :-(.

Sometimes on an average day I become an entirely different person and become so paranoid, like if my husband manages to coerce me out with the kids I will keep them very close to me to the point where my husband has to take my wrist and say 'let them breathe'. He once said I was not allowed to touch them while we were out if they were walking with us, unless they came to me and initiated the contact.

Then he said that if I didn't leave the house with the kids without taking them outside for a walk at least once every other day then it would enter close to abuse and that they'd live horrible lives...as opposed to not leaving the living area at all with them and calling his cell phone every 15 minutes and asking if they were all right when they did go out without me.

After this I became obsessed with asking them once a day, are you happy. And what would they like to do today.

Today one of the little ones asked to go to the library. We added it to the big trips to have before this week is over. I admit its bad, and that's just the paranoia/anxiety aspect, I think my paranoia used to be much worse and believe that with my husband's help I've been able to relax a little in regards to letting my kids play in the backyard without me standing right there (lol) more like from the window peaking through the side so they feel like they have some independence.

But oh! Birth control, that was the second thing for me. Very important, because of my paranoia mainly more so than my worries with me and my husband getting intimate, I decided to look into that.

Insurance. This conversation really made me relax in terms of health insurance and feel more secure about what I plan to do in that area, and not feeling so upset.

It also brought up another topic. Telling my kids that I was raped and molested. Up until this point I was never going to even bring up the topic, but as I wrote here I began thinking more and more on it. I can not tell them the whole 'whose their 'bio' father' thing. But at least being open about being raped is something I'd like to tell them someday. I have been worried about how to tell them. I got so obsessed I contacted a rape crisis center (they weren't much help *rolls eyes*), and I tried how do you tell your kids they're adopted (lol) but that's usually for both parents, and well. that's something I've been stuck on. How to tell them that much. Maybe I'll tell them when they're 50. I think it'd be a burden if they were young.

There was one link on how to tell your kids they're adopted which helped me in terms of finding when they're ready to know about the rape: How to Tell an Adopted Child About Their Birth Family | eHow.com

So since what I will be telling them won't be who their biological father is, just about what happened to me, I think it'll be easier than worrying about how harmful it is to them since it has more to do with me and what I endured and not them and their making.

swedish

It's called being a responsible parent & you are doing fantastic...it's much easier to cave and give kids what they want...not much effort involved in that. You are giving them the childhood you deserved to have and I'm sorry you didn't.

I am floored that you are 19 and doing all that you are.

Try not to overwhelm yourself with your thoughts. Many of these things can wait until you are ready to address them, such as talking to your kids and how much to tell them. To me, the main issue with kids not knowing their bio parents becomes important becuase of medical history, but that is a non-issue for you.

By the way, if you start working, you will need to fill out a W-4 form and it will ask how many dependents you want to declare. You could declare 4 (you and your 3 children) and that will be used by your employer to calculate how much to take out in taxes from each check. The more dependents, the less tax will be taken each pay period. I usually claim 1 less than I have so I am sure I pay enough into taxes and don't owe the gov't in the end (would rather get a little tax refund than owe)

preso

I think the fact the children are products of incest is of far greater concern to them over their lifetime than that they are also the product of rape.
In incest, potenial problems can arise when there is a defect in the background of the family...... by reproducing with a relative, the chances of those defects (either physical or mental) appearing in the next generation, are increased because the defect is on both the mother and father's side.
If this proves to be the case,
This could drastically change things for the children long and short term.
I for one, can certainly understand your concerns for lack of medical insurance being the details of the situation.

XiaSulin

Oh I want to update! So we're not on medicaid, but we figured the insurance thing out. We're in the clear right now. Everything turned out well. My husband talked to someone regarding it who cleared some stuff and we're okay with health insurance.

And there is a free clinic nearby that can do cognitive behavioural therapy with us, though it was recommended we do it separate before going in together because of our different issues that later blend into each other.

I just found that news out like---a bit ago. And wanted to post as soon as I got the chance.

MizSmith: Oh I definitely educate them in that matter (I'm that paranoid). I tell them if anyone touches them anywhere that makes them uncomfortable they need to tell them, and if they don't listen they need to tell me no matter what that person says they'll do to me, don't be afraid because they're bluffing and what I would do to them is far worse than what they could ever do to me. I want to learn self defense so that I can show them, so that they can kiss ass. I'd feel a lot safer letting them loose if I knew they had some defenses.

Thank you for that information. It really does help awareness before knowledge.

Ahaha when I read your paragraphs I laughed and told my husband about the backyard sentence. He started laughing too and said it's a good thing I'm legally blind, I don't see as much detail. I have relaxed a little bit, but I've got a long ways to go. For my little one it's not so bad, but for the elder two they get a bit annoyed with me if I don't give them room to walk beyond my grip .

Swedish: The trick to not cave'ing in, is not telling them what they're missing (lol). I also try and give them reasonable options, so they don't always feel like I am making them do anything. They're usually too busy feeling like they're making a serious decision that they don't even realize their choices have a limit.

Hey you know I was also thinking earlier. In terms of how they look, all we have to say is 'you inherited most of your mothers genes, that's why you look so much like her'.

I did not know that! (about the W-4 forms!). Do they really give all your taxes back because I heard once that the government rips tax payers off.


MizSmith/Swedish: I'm 19 and actually had to look up the word floored in the dictionary (lol). I really hope I didn't floor anybody. It's just that I lost my childhood at a very young age. I mean I had enough freedom to sneak out to the park and watch the ducks when I was in the 1st grade. I had responsibilities and independence at a young age. In some cultures (I know not this one) it's something many kids are given. If I were there I wouldn't be special at all, and I don't really feel that special.

I'm really immature. I know I sound real mature but that's cause I'm typing. I'm like a little kid still, and at the same time I know what I have to do I just hate to verbalize it. I mean I'm a pain in the ass to deal with. The sound of chewing ice feels like glass in my ears. Bright lights hurt my eyes so my kids live in dim lighting. Sometimes even their talking gets me and I have to ask them to stop and speak one at a time and slowly. There are days that emotionally my kids are too much not because of how they were born but because all the baggage that comes with them. I can't just call up their parents and say look I'm not their mother take them because I am their mother, and they're stuck with me. I have a lot of good heartwarming stories to tell like that Mr. Rogers I told, but I've got a lot of horrible stories to tell too. I wasn't ready. When I had my first child I wanted to be ready, I didn't want it to happen amidst all the chaos.

I blame myself. I got pregnant by my father, not once but twice. I don't like talking about it, how do you explain to the crisis center that you got pregnant twice by your father? I bet they were thinking this kid is an idiot, why didn't she call the cops or get out of there. I don't blame them because I was stupid for letting it happen. I was really stupid. And I live with that.


There were so many opportunities when I wasn't living in that hell that I could have gotten away, but I didn't want to leave my siblings. I didn't want to abandon them, and at the time my sister still lived with us. I'm... *shrugs*

But you know to make matters worse, I got pregnant by my husband and I should have known better. I should have known, but I didn't even think. I hold myself fully accountable I do.


Preso: Other than ASD something that runs rampant on my 'maternal' side, there isn't really anything wrong with my kids. And it's only with my oldest. I have it but for what we have it really isn't anything serious support and understanding can't help (not getting into it right now, but its not debilitating). Anyway I am very aware of all that thanks.

MsStacy

XiaSulin, I applaud you. You have been dealt a terrible, terrible youth, yet here you are....an articulate, intelligent, and honest young woman. Not everyone will agree with you, but that's ok. I completely agree with you. Were I in your situation, I would do the same regarding your children and who their REAL father is. Kudos to you.

Keep your head held high and your sights set on your future....it sure sounds like you're doing a great job!

XiaSulin

I feel bad because a lot of the issues in the marriage forum I don't know how to tackle. I've been wandering around trying to get a feel. I signed up in a panic and then people were nice which was the last thing I expected since I'm really not into forums and what I do know of them involve smash and bash.

I tried to give a little but there are so many issues that are above me. Like I don't understand the concept of sex and marriage beyond what I am experiencing. I don't understand the concept of sex in the way most people know it, so it's hard to relate.

So in some ways being here has helped me to see how young I really am lol. It's kinda sad because I can't connect with regular kids my age and at the same time I feel so alien to the ordinary every adult things. I feel foreign and alienated. And even though I'm a budding adult I don't know if I will ever be able to connect with people of either age, I feel so out of place.

I feel like a kid and an old senial woman all at the same time. In truth I act like a big kid, and would like to be that, I just know that things have to get done, so there are a lot of time where just messing around is something that I can't do. Because I have always had to make things work, people have always depended on me in some way, shape, or form.

I don't respond to these fast and sometimes I don't look at them for a minute because it takes a lot of energy . It takes so much energy to write about some of these things, and yet it's helped me so much to sort it out.

I feel like crap when people make me feel bigger than what I really am. I feel so rotten when you all think I am so great at what I do. I try to be a good mom, but what mom barracades her kids into a room because she's afraid someone is going to come after them or tells her kids to hide in the closet if there is a knock on the door until she gives the word?

I am in recovery and episodes like that don't happen the way they used to. I remember breaking down after the birth of my 2nd child and temporarily being hospitilized before I left. Emotionally I am a recovering wreck. I am not great, I just omit my faults when I write. I don't want anyone to think that I am great, maybe there are some things about me that are worth nothing in positive ways, but there are negative things about me that I think are worth noting too.

I work hard to try and get my kids to understand in their own language what is going on, and to try and make sure that emotionally they're alright. I have to be sure that they're happy, that I am giving them what they need because if I am not...then they don't need me. If I don't then they need someone who can be what I can't be. And nothing hurts more than being abandoned, even if it's in your best interest. And so if I fall apart, if I abandon them and someone takes them away from me, then I am a mother without her cubs, and that has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. To know how much they would be in pain combined with mine...their well being is important to me. But really somedays I don't think I am up for it. Somedays I wake up and I don't think I can be the mother they deserve, so I ask, I will always ask. And I will always try and give what they need, and I will always try and help them understand what they don't understand, and I will always try and keep them safe from what they don't understand. And at the same time I understand that life isn't a bed of roses, it's a bed of roses with thorns.

swedish

with MsStacy

I hope you will get past that at some point. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were dealt some extremely difficult cards and are doing a great job just trying to do the right thing. That's all any of us can do and we all have our faults.

swedish

I don't know of any parent that hasn't questioned themself at some point...many times along the way myself and still do (my oldest is 19!)...but we all go in loving them, wanting the best for them...not everything will go as planned or hoped but if we do the best we can and they know they are loved, they will be okay.

MsStacy

Every mother thinks that. Every single mother out there has their days when we wake up and think....I really don't think I can do it today. (And I only have one 3 1/2 year old!) You may have these days a little more often, and maybe not. You never know what is happening behind the door of your neighbor. It is hard raising kids, especially small kids, and we ALL do the best we can. That's all you can do. We all make mistakes and think...ok...I don't want to do THAT again...so we learn. We are all doing the best we can and that's all you can do to.

Mommybean

XiaSulin, I think you are an amazing woman. You have certainly been dealt far more than anyone should ever have to be forced to handle, and I commend you on stepping up and handling what has been thrown your way.
As far as being a good parent, please understand that no matter HOW much you love your children (and you so obviously do), there will be days when your patience is tried, your buttons are pushed, and you count down the minutes till bedtime. EVERY parent does, and those that say they don't...they aren't being honest with themselves or anyone else. What your kids will remember most, is not what they had or didnt have...but the way they felt with you, and with their father (your H is their father, no matter WHAT genetics say). They will remember the smiles, the giggles, silly times, little family rituals that are unique to your family...and yes, they will remember the tears when they are there, and sadness, but I believe that you can't really understand happiness unless there is a little bit of sadness to compare it to. You a sheltering them from all that you can, so that the little sadnesses they endure will be nothing more than a blip on the screen that is their life. Each day they see you grow stronger and more confident, working hard to make something of yourself...they will remember that, and respect you far more than if you had every neat new gadget and toy to give them.
Give yourself some credit girl! The world is hard enough on us, without us being just as hard on ourselves.

preso

Your whole situation to me, is very sad. I can only hope things work out for you as yes, you are very young and you sound like what is known as an "old soul".........
The situations of your life have made you emotionally mature, which is a good thing, the downfall is it will be hard to connect with many people ( of any age)

XiaSulin

Swedish/MsStacy/Mommybean(if I marked this any other way I would be getting repeitive): Ah! It's good to know I'm not a complete failure.

I had a friend who meant the world to me once. She was one of the few people I felt I could trust back in those days. In truthI told her about what was going on before I told my husband. She told me when I was pregnant that she felt like if I went through with it I was dirty, and that she felt sorry for my kid who would probably be born screwed up anyway. She said I was disgusting for what happened. It hurt so bad having a 'friend' say that to me. I stopped talking to her which was hard. Later she kept saying she was sorry. But the damage was already done. I think any attempt to have friends have failed because I want to share things with my friends, but I can't. So there is a wall there. I have a very few handful of friends in my personal life that are aware of some bits of the story some know all. Which is okay because at least one person knows everything and that's my husband. I have learned to pick and choose what I tell to people based on past experiences with people like my ex friend.

I know those people who said they felt sorry for my children were wrong and are hung up on the social stigma of incest and teen pregnancy. To project that on me makes me want to call them blind...or maybe I am blind. They do say love is blind. Or maybe we're all blind. Because I do love my children. And if they were deformed I would still love them. Because my love is unconditional and that doesn't just apply to my children. I don't believe real love has conditions, I work so hard to be that way even though it's hard, and that's something many of those people who said I was 'wrong' for not getting rid of them don't have.

Thank you. It's good to know that every mother has ups and down days. I think the way you all described it was very great and uplifting. It gave me a bit more security on my footing and where I'm standing.

Preso: Reading your posts are always a relief even when we disagree. Because you don't cut me any slack. You know sometimes all I want is someone to yell at me. (No no I'm not saying you do). I want someone to shake me and tell me like they would regardless of what happened to me. Because then I don't feel like I have any excuse. You know talking with you that was the bit that helped me come to the conclusion that though I won't tell my kids about their 'biological' father I will tell them about the things that happened to me.

I don't think that if anything is genetically wrong with them that it will matter about the 'incest', because they'll still have what they have regardless and if I told them that they might get it stuck in their head that they deserve it. Plus...I've learned that people create images of themselves despite how much you tell them they're special, based on other peoples feelings toward it. Fortunately they're alright...guess that's just been on my mind/floating in my head.

A lot of people say I am an old soul. I feel like an old soul, too old sometimes. I think I've started to accept it though. I am beginning to learn that when I meet someone I have to throw away age and connect purely on how well we bond. Now I have friends in all age groups from 13 to 56. Granted I don't have many but I'd rather have a few good friends than a whole room of people that I didn't connect with.

Thoughts:

"I hope you will get past that at some point. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were dealt some extremely difficult cards and are doing a great job just trying to do the right thing. That's all any of us can do and we all have our faults."

logically I know that nothing is really anybody's fault. Life just happens. And in the groups they tell you it's not your fault. Everywhere I go they tell me it's not my fault. But it is. From the way the molestation started to the fact that it could have ended sooner. I didn't scream loud enough, I didn't fight loud enough. I look back and can see so many places where there was my way out. There was my chance. Why did it have to get to the point that it did? Why didn't they believe me before the pregnancy, when I asked for help? When I ran to the school nurse telling her I was afraid to go home?

And why did they accept 'his' story? They marked me off as a disobedient kid who was angry, a miscreant because I had outbursts, slit my wrists, and hid when I should have been in a room full of people who could care less about me. He told them I was sexually active, and that he couldn't control me. I told them I did not want to stay there. And then I was blessed with being shuffled around before being tricked back home with him, and then barely two weeks later he was at it again. I had opportunities to run away and stay away. I keep hearing this **** on tv 'chances are if he doesn't want to be found he won't be found'. Well I didn't want to be found, I was found. So I wanted to be found? I was the idiot, nothing happens to me unless I let it happen, and I let them screw me over, because I was weak.

I know people will always say that it's not my fault, but I really do feel like If I want something I let myself have it, I make myself have it. If I have a dream or a goal I can have it, there's nothing that can stop me except not doing it correctly, except for myself not finding the way. And if that's the case with a good dream what does it say about the dream I had about running away? I guess in a way I did but...too late wasn't it? Or maybe life happened to me the way it was meant to happen. I don't know. I've been wrestling with the idea of fate vs. non fate, and I like the idea of fate better...takes the responsibility and the shame off of me :-/.