General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is all very new to me, the forum thing and my marriage of 21 years coming to an end.
I am finding it all so overwhelming I am not sure how to cope.
Maybe I should give you some background ( this may be a bit long)
We have been together since teenagers and have 2 children of 24 and 20. I was always a stay at home mum and my husband worked very hard to provide for us. We put everything into providing for the kids maybe at the expense of spending time on our relationship.
The kids are becoming independent and this seems to have highlighted the big gaps in our relationship, we have not been talking, sex has been almost non-existent and i think we both have been feeling unloved.
I thought after all this time together things would sort themselves out, but 6 weeks ago my husband told me he is no longer 'in love' with me. e still cares for me but wanted to end things so we can both go our separate ways.
I almost begged for him to reconsider but he said there were no second chances and he wont change his mind, but he is still living in the house and sleeping in my bed!
I am struggling to keep myself together so any advice would be appreciated
but he said there were no second chances and he wont change his mind, but he is still living in the house and sleeping in my bed!
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wow he wants his cake and to eat it too.... guess he wants to stick around for something, until he's ready to leave, what is it he wants ???
you should be soooo careful, that he does not try to hurt you rather than divorce.
as his request is kinda nutty. It's like he says one thing and does another !
what is it he wants? time for his GF to make room for him at her place or something? you should ask him why the delay in moving since there are no second chances...
?
he wants to do the house up before selling it and thinks it will be easier if he stays to do it.
I have tried to say that if he really wanted to be apart he would have left straight away and he just says he is trying to make it easier for me. If anyone saw the state of me right now it definitely isn't easy. He seems to be the one getting it easy, but i just dont have the energy to fight.
I am certain there is no one else involved, maybe if there was I could hate him, but I dont
I am sorry for what you're going through....I am going through similar but we don't have children and have only been married for five years. I do have two children and my youngest will be completely heart broken if we can't make this work.
I don't know what to say because this is so personal for me, just that I am pulling for you! Stay strong!
Are you ok with selling the house and moving? because after that long, I'm sure the judge would not force you to sell.
btw, I am sorry your hurting, Just trying to figure out what the heck he wants.
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? as I do believe you should before agreeing to sell the home and move. You could most likely be awarded the home in court and if its paid for or nearly paid for... YOU WANT TO DO THAT
and live there and have him move.
I know your emotional needs are great at this time, but don't lose sight of financial aspects as you dont want to end up starting over because he suddenly decides he wants a divorce.
I would ask the lawyer about him moving out and you living there as mopst often in the divorce, whoever lives in the house, gets to keep it. After being married so long, if you can afford it or its paid for or almost paid for, you should try to stay in the house.
and have him leave since he is the one asking for the divorce.
Sounds to me like he is trying to railroad you into doing what HE wants... as to what will benefit HIM the most.
you are so right I know, but short of throwing him out he doesn't want to leave, so what do I do. You are right that he has been thinking about this for a while. he told me that since last year he has been unhappy but didn't feel he could talk to me, so instead has just ended it all.
I think it hurts no matter how long you have been married, but looking after him and the kids is all I have known and I cant see what else there is for me right now
I should do I know, but I suppose I dont want to upset the kids by things appearing to 'get nasty'.
my husband is not one for showing his emotions and as yet has not told a sole about his decision ( I have!!), and so I think he is putting on a front until the time he is going to walk away
my husbands ex
got him out....
and kept all his stuff except his clothing.
what she did was start to swing at him and when he tried to stop her and held her arms, she called the police and said he was beating her up.
She then filed for divorce and he was served with papers, the police waited for him at the house while he got his stuff.
She got to keep everything, the house that was paid for, everything in it, all paid for... and he had like 20 minutes to get his clothing and get in his car and leave !
She also kept his tools and he is a mechanic !!! and she won't give them back ! she even kept his bike and rollerblades !!!
She claimed she was too scared of him... and when I met her, SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS A BULLY!!!!
The courts said she had to give him certain stuff, but she didn't, because she knows if he takes her back to court, it'll cost him about 5,000
dollars, more than the stuff is worth.
My uncle and aunt on the other hand, more in your situation, married over 20 years, GROWN KIDS, wife, a home maker/ housewife all the time of the marriage.... he convinced his wife to sell the family home which was paid for, because he said he did not want to have her end up living in it...
They fought and fought about it and he convinced her to sell it and to sell it fast so they could seperate and begin the divorce. They sold it way below market value and the realtor who came out to list it, ended up writing them a check right there, on the spot for it.
They each got 75K... the house was worth at least 200K at the time and 5 years later 250K. It is a beautiful home my uncle built and now, 20 years later worth about 450-500K, which if she still lived there, she coyuld now sell and keep all the money ( her retirement, god knows she needs it, but instead she is living on SSDI in a trailer !!! because of this one stupid thing she did in agreeing to sell the house and move)
I'm sorry but that the end, its all about dividing up stuff.... and it seems maybe he has moved on emotionally much further than you.
I'd sure get rid of the fact he is sleeping in your bed and I'd not worry about how you look to the kids.
Even though you did not work during the marraige, you are still entitled to things too, that you have to fight for them and cause a scene is maybe what he;s counting on that you won't do...
Where are your kids in this? are they also living there?
Our eldest lives in London and has done for more than a year and the youngest is at university so they are not around so much.
I think that makes it worse as the kids don't really need me anymore and now neither does the husband, feel so alone.
Husband is saying he will be reasonable about money and can have half of everything but his salary is way more than I could ever earn so how do I live if i need to buy a place.
I have got so much going on in my head I dont know where to start!!
Our eldest lives in London and has done for more than a year and the youngest is at university so they are not around so much.
I think that makes it worse as the kids don't really need me anymore and now neither does the husband, feel so alone.
Husband is saying he will be reasonable about money and can have half of everything but his salary is way more than I could ever earn so how do I live if i need to buy a place.
I have got so much going on in my head I dont know where to start!!
don't trust him
make sure you seek legal counsel
and GET IT IN WRITING.
ps... if I were you and the house is paid for....
NO WAY I'D leave !!! ... and if you state has alimony...
you should file for that too.
You need a GOOD divorce lawyer, even if you have to sell
the furniture to get one !!!
ps, start with the bed... get a small twin bed for yourself.
my situation is nothing like yours but I do know several woman who I have known in real life, some I am related to, who were in your situation.
A lot depends on if you can afford to stay in the house or if its paid for........................... if the house is paid for, you should not move or sell.... as judge will give it to you anyway and also most likely alimony or poension benefits in addition to that.
Don't let him BS you as he has already moved on emotionally so your going to have to be strong and not let him have you make a bad descion that will effect the rest of your life.
And you know since you were married at least 10 years you automatically get spousal social security ( half his benefit) does not matter if your still married to him or not.
Maybe your too young for that, but its something you are entitled to at age 62.
do this right and you could be set up for life
Don't be like my aunt, who was bullied to make a stupid choice. She went from nice house in the country to trailer park and devistation...
and he went on with his life
and didn't miss a beat. He had a new woman in a week. New woman was 25.
mumof2
Sorry to hear what u r going thru. Just went thru this very recently with my husband. He's in the house but we are not selling as we just bought it last yr. I was asked to move out to make things easier while he was trying to decide to stay with his family or go with some woman he has never met in person.
Anyways it is better to be away from one another. The other thing you may want to think about is counseling for you. You may just realize that he really isn't worth your time after being together that long. I have been with my husband 14yrs & went back into counseling today. I want to know if I actually have feelings for him or not. If I don't then his decision will be made for him. If I do then its good to get it all out of my system. I am still going on with my life. Our daughter is going to be 10 in a week & she doesn't want me to be with him if he doesn't love us. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be right now. She is my rockstar. You will get thru this just like everything else in life it is a lesson. Your only given what you can handle remember that.
Am so sorry you are going through two HUGE life changes. Kids not being home to care for any longer and now your dh is doing this.
I would get a lawyer. Find out your rights and the recommendations. Don't take your dh word. It makes no sense a man doing this, he must have someone else on the side.
Older men seldom leave a long term marriage without someone to run to as they age. Men need someone to take care of them as they get older, and usually it is a woman.
My heart is breaking
