I think my husband has some kind of personality disorder. I'm not sure, though, and am wondering if it would be worthwhile to pursue a diagnosis. Would a marriage counselor pick up on that kind of thing?
Some of you know our story, but the elements that make me think "personality disorder" are harder to explain. One thing that's struck me since coming here are the number of spouses who, after hearing that their SO is falling out of love/hurting, bust their butts trying to work on things from their end. I first told my husband that if it wasn't for the kids, I wasn't sure I'd be here 3 years ago. I was sick to my stomach with anxiety before that conversation, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't hiding my feelings from him. Before that, we'd had conversations every 3 months or so wherein I'd ask for more affection/care from him, and he'd say yes, but nothing would change. Nothing changed after any of the conversations. We had a lot of them in bed, and I'd be crying, telling him I was afraid we were growing apart, and I'd wait for him to respond, only to hear him snore. I can't even remember how many times this has happened... easily a dozen.
I am starting to feel like he doesn't actually love ME. I think he likes the idea of having a wife and family, and I think he might even love the idea of me, but I don't know that he realizes there's a "me" that's independent of what he thinks I am.
I've seen this lack of empathy with the kids, too. One time I accidentally dislocated our daughter's elbow. All I did was pick her up by the arms, but that's all it takes. He was right there when it happened and insisted that she couldn't be injured, because there was no force involved. I said I agreed, but she was crying, and she was in pain. He didn't want to take her to the ER (it was a saturday), but I put my foot down and told him I was taking her. We were at a friend's apartment and she was heading out the door too, so he came with me, but sat in the lobby. I was shocked. I know he was mad at me for taking her, but she was in pain. I told him that even if he disagreed with me, he should have been there to support her. (And me, I was crying as much as she was.)
There's much more of course, but in a nutshell, it's that I don't think he feels pain when the people he (supposedly) loves are in pain. It could be immaturity, it could be anti-social personality, it could be narcissism, passive-aggressive, or who knows what. But my gut is telling me it's something.
What should I do? He lies a lot, so sending him to therapy on his own wouldn't get me anywhere. I feel like figuring out exactly what it is will help me decide if change is possible. It'll also help me help the girls deal with their father, because even if we were to divorce, he's still going to be in their life.
I've tried googling, but nothing I've come up with really nails him. Help.
Some of you know our story, but the elements that make me think "personality disorder" are harder to explain. One thing that's struck me since coming here are the number of spouses who, after hearing that their SO is falling out of love/hurting, bust their butts trying to work on things from their end. I first told my husband that if it wasn't for the kids, I wasn't sure I'd be here 3 years ago. I was sick to my stomach with anxiety before that conversation, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't hiding my feelings from him. Before that, we'd had conversations every 3 months or so wherein I'd ask for more affection/care from him, and he'd say yes, but nothing would change. Nothing changed after any of the conversations. We had a lot of them in bed, and I'd be crying, telling him I was afraid we were growing apart, and I'd wait for him to respond, only to hear him snore. I can't even remember how many times this has happened... easily a dozen.
I am starting to feel like he doesn't actually love ME. I think he likes the idea of having a wife and family, and I think he might even love the idea of me, but I don't know that he realizes there's a "me" that's independent of what he thinks I am.
I've seen this lack of empathy with the kids, too. One time I accidentally dislocated our daughter's elbow. All I did was pick her up by the arms, but that's all it takes. He was right there when it happened and insisted that she couldn't be injured, because there was no force involved. I said I agreed, but she was crying, and she was in pain. He didn't want to take her to the ER (it was a saturday), but I put my foot down and told him I was taking her. We were at a friend's apartment and she was heading out the door too, so he came with me, but sat in the lobby. I was shocked. I know he was mad at me for taking her, but she was in pain. I told him that even if he disagreed with me, he should have been there to support her. (And me, I was crying as much as she was.)
There's much more of course, but in a nutshell, it's that I don't think he feels pain when the people he (supposedly) loves are in pain. It could be immaturity, it could be anti-social personality, it could be narcissism, passive-aggressive, or who knows what. But my gut is telling me it's something.
What should I do? He lies a lot, so sending him to therapy on his own wouldn't get me anywhere. I feel like figuring out exactly what it is will help me decide if change is possible. It'll also help me help the girls deal with their father, because even if we were to divorce, he's still going to be in their life.
I've tried googling, but nothing I've come up with really nails him. Help.