Loosing herself

kevinfoster · 01-19-2008, 10:19 PM

Me and my wife have been together 14 years, and married for almost 12. We have 3 great children (one of them is 16 months). I am 33 she is 32. So far my life has been great. We were best friends, love life is fantastic, communication a little weak, but not to bad. Recently in the last few weeks she had really pulled away. I asked if anything was wrong and she said no everything is fine. So another week goes by and I finally asked her again what was wrong. Then it came out. She says she feels trapped, smothered, confused, lost and doesn't know what to do. She's thinking of leaving and doesn't know why. She says this has been building for about 4 years, but I never saw it, and I know her, I never did see it. I suggested counseling, but she says if both of us aren't into it then it won't work. I am willing to try. I am devastated and have no idea what's going on in her head. She swears up and own it's not another man, and I'm starting to believe that. Is there possibly a fix for this?

draconis · 01-19-2008, 11:57 PM

Well the realism is you did see it otherwise you would never have asked what is wrong.

Second she is right, it takes two people to make a marriage work and if one calls it quits then the other can not "save" it by themselves.

You need to communicate better with her and find out what is behind her feeling smoothered, trapped, confused and lost. Chances are she has sacroficed for you and feels she could never do for herself while she is with you. You need to know to have a chance.

Ask her if there is one thing she could change, or one goal she wants what would it be.

draconis

emate1209 · 01-20-2008, 06:35 AM

Hey Kevin,

The first thing that came to mind was that you both got married relatively early so your wife may have missed out on things she may wanted to do in the last 12 years like further education, travel or even taking up some hobbies.

As you know Motherhood and being a wife is a full time job so she's probably feeling a little bit claustrophobic.

I agree with Draconis such that you should ask her what she would like to do, which she couldn't do for the last 12 years?

I think she just needs some space and time to think about the marriage, her future, your future together etc so don't push her.

Try to help around the house a little bit more or better still ask her to go on a holiday for a few days with her sisters, friends or even alone so she can think about the whole situation in perspective.

I don't think she really wants to leave you and the kids. I just feel that she's realized that this institution called marriage can have it's slow days and hopefully during her "time off" she'll realize that she's just going through a phase.

Best of luck.

Cheers

kevinfoster · 01-20-2008, 09:10 PM

The thing is, I've asked her why she feels this way, and she doesn't know. I work during the day, and she works a few nights a week. But I generaly do most of the housework and cook at least half the dinners, and take care of the kids. I have supported her in school and her work. So I am completely blindsided by this.