General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
A little background. I have been emotionally closed off from my H for a little over a year now. He is controlling, has anger issues and is generally a my-way-or-the-highway kinda guy. When I bring up problems I’m told they’re all in my head or that the things that upset/bother me are stupid and I should just get over it.
So anyway, I stopped trying and along with not talking to him about major issues I naturally stopped talking to him about most things. We’re in counseling and the counselor has validated the above issues and agreed that we need to re-establish our emotional connection. I’m opening back up, talking to him regularly and trying to point it out, non-confrontationally with *I* statements, when issues arise. But H doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand an emotional connection, how it’s formed, how we formed it in the first place or how to repair it. He has commented that we’re merely out of things to talk about and seems completely fine with this. The other night he asked what he should be doing. In our session the counselor explained that the connection is established through sharing and talking so I replied that he should just talk to me, act normal. It doesn’t always have to be serious discussions, just whatever is going on in that head of his. He still doesn’t get it
We don’t have another session for two weeks and being that he has shown interest in trying, I don’t want the moment to pass while we’re waiting for the next session. Maybe I should be asking the guys, how can I get him to understand this concept so he can also work towards it? Husbands want an emotional connection to their wives too, right?
Perhaps when hes not busy and seems in a good mood, try and talk to him about something you know he is interested in. If you really dont know that much about it then ask him. It will help involve him in the conversation even more. You might be surprised where the conversation leads, but just roll with it. It takes time to learn how to just talk and listen again, without an agenda.
One of my wifes biggest beefs with me was I wouldnt talk to her that much either. problems was, when I did it was always about what she wanted to talk about. What I wished to talk about didnt matter and before i could get even close to finishing what I wanted to say, she would change the subject almost every time. Im sure I did it too at times.
You have to think back to before you were married and how neither of you would dare interrupt the other. Some people can never get back there, but Im sure there is a happy compromise in the middle.
My H and I have the same problem as far as interrupting and changing the subject. He’s terrible about it from growing up in a household with all boys and literally having to yell to be heard and over time in order to combat it I have gotten to be the same way. It’s a nasty pattern. It’s hard to remember back to when these things weren’t a part of our relationship but you’re right, there is a happy middle ground.
With the weekend coming up I am going to try your suggestion, I’ll find a subject that interests him and start asking questions. We share some interests, sports and movies and I’m sure I can come up with something.
I know you're going through a lot right now, hang in there!
WH, I had a co-worker what was like that. He'd get louder. I guess, thinking it would be more convincing that he/his way was right.
I simply shut up when he got loud, then resumed what I was saying in my normal voice. If he decided to walk out because "I wasn't listening"...then the issue didn't get resolved and he still got no satisfaction. He usually did walk out because after a couple of cycles of this he knew I wasn't buying and he'd be frustrated.
When the issue came up again, often it would get resolved since he knew I wasn't going to be pushed into his way. (Often times that was in front of a supervisor, but sometimes not)
So try that. When he finishes, resume your point in a normal voice. Every time he yells, repeat your action. If he walks out, then the issue will come up again. Treat it the same way.
If he decides to make a unilateral decision (especially one that involves money), he'll tell you (brag more likely) that he did such & such. Contact the organization he dealt with and cancel the transaction within 3 business days. If a credit card is involved, contact the CC company and tell them to not pay it.
You've got to help calm him down so he can learn to be rational with you. Once he learns he can't bully his way, he'll have to talk if he wants something. And this is the beginning of your new relationship.
When you do talk YOU make it a point of not interrupting! Teach him that it can be done. If he does, you stop talking and resume your point when he's done.
You can't run out of things to talk about - each day is different, so just asking how was your day (and listening!) could also be a start. When he's done with his day...if he doesn't ask about yours - just mentiona couple of sentences about yours. No more, and no details. Something like: "I saw so & so in the store today, by the way I filled up the car". If he wants to hear more he'll ask - eventually he should.
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Husbands want an emotional connection to their wives too, right?
yes but maybe not in thw way women would connect with each other emotionally...
you have to think about how guys are, they are different than women and supposed to be, thats how God made them.
How your husband connects to you will maybe not be how you like, or would want him to, he will connect in his own way....
which hopefully is enough for you.
Many men and women are not emotionally mature thus, the connection is not that deep.
My H is a lot like your co-worker, dcrim. For a long time I would stop talking when he had interrupted and resume when he was done but at that point he’s not interested in listening because he feels I didn’t give him the respect of responding to whatever he interrupted with. The funny thing is that the rest of his family has grown out of this habit and I see even his brother or father getting frustrated with his constant interruptions.
He was watching baseball when I got home from work yesterday so I started asking about the details of the game and he was into the conversation. I just let him talk and boy oh boy did he have a lot to say, lol.
We’re taking a vacation next week for his birthday so I also started asking questions about what he’d like to do during the trip, etc. and of course he was interested in the conversation. He did exactly as you suggested though, dcrim, and announced that he’d transferred X amount of money from the savings account for spending and quite frankly, it was way too much and we can’t afford to spend it right now with him being unemployed. After he made the announcement we discussed the details and agreed to transfer some back to savings and actually continued on having a pleasant talk planning things out without too much disagreement. This is huge because we usually disagree about every little thing.
There was what I see as some minor bullying later in the evening over cooking dinner. He asked if I wanted him to slice the potatoes which I was already in the middle of doing so I said no thanks as I'm already doing it and he has a grill to tend to. I said if he has some time it would be a help if he chopped the garlic and he started ranting about it. Why won't I let him cut the potatoes and what is the problem, why don't I just cook the whole meal then, etc. I simply let him rant until he was through at which point I asked what his problem was, why can't we cook together? He insisted he was joking. Why do people do that? Say things that are offensive or throw a fit and when they receive a negative reaction claim it’s a joke?
yes but maybe not in thw way women would connect with each other emotionally...
you have to think about how guys are, they are different than women and supposed to be, thats how God made them.
How your husband connects to you will maybe not be how you like, or would want him to, he will connect in his own way....
which hopefully is enough for you.
Many men and women are not emotionally mature thus, the connection is not that deep.
This is another thing I’m trying to get a handle on. The problem is that I know that guys don’t like talking and don’t like sharing and all that. To be truthful, I’m not big on excessive amounts of those things either. It’s why we used to get along so well. But his thoughts seem to be that no amount of these things is necessary. The emotional connection should just exist and maintain itself. And I’m not sure how it is he’s connecting to me when all he does or wants to do is sit on the couch and stare at the television.
This is another thing I’m trying to get a handle on. The problem is that I know that guys don’t like talking and don’t like sharing and all that. To be truthful, I’m not big on excessive amounts of those things either. It’s why we used to get along so well. But his thoughts seem to be that no amount of these things is necessary. The emotional connection should just exist and maintain itself. And I’m not sure how it is he’s connecting to me when all he does or wants to do is sit on the couch and stare at the television.
you ever see guys go out together and sit at the bar watching sports on TV?
They don't talk about anything personal but they will say so and so is a good or best friend.
Many guys are just like that.............. he may be someone who just isn't very verbal in expressing himself and his feelings, many men are like that.
H doesn’t *get* emotional connection
Re: H doesn’t *get* emotional connection
