Doesn't know if he wants kids.
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Old 01-20-2013, 03:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Doesn't know if he wants kids.

Me and the guy I've been dating are starting to talk about marriage. We've been looking at rings and I'm pretty sure he's got it all planned at this point. I want to marry him too!! He is everything I've ever wanted and dreamed a man would be. So the other day I realized I never even asked him if he wants kids. Oops. Big oops!!

I have a 5 year old. I love kids. I'm going to nursing school and I want to be a pediatric nurse and eventually an NICU nurse. So the subject never really came up since I already have one (I guess!) I asked him if he wants children finally and his answer is "I don't know." This guy is 31. I don't get how you can be in your 30s and not know. Anyway, my question is should I hold off engagement until he knows? Or should I be willing to take a risk for love? Would taking a risk be a dumb idea though? This would have been a deal breaker if we were in earlier stages of this relationship.
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Old 01-20-2013, 03:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

HOw old are you?

If it would have been a deal breaker in earlier stages of the relationship then it should be a deal breaker now.

Are you willing to never have another child? If you are set on having more children then you need to leave him now.
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Old 01-20-2013, 06:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

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Originally Posted by jerico View Post
Me and the guy I've been dating are starting to talk about marriage. We've been looking at rings and I'm pretty sure he's got it all planned at this point. I want to marry him too!! He is everything I've ever wanted and dreamed a man would be. So the other day I realized I never even asked him if he wants kids. Oops. Big oops!!

I have a 5 year old. I love kids. I'm going to nursing school and I want to be a pediatric nurse and eventually an NICU nurse. So the subject never really came up since I already have one (I guess!) I asked him if he wants children finally and his answer is "I don't know." This guy is 31. I don't get how you can be in your 30s and not know. Anyway, my question is should I hold off engagement until he knows? Or should I be willing to take a risk for love? Would taking a risk be a dumb idea though? This would have been a deal breaker if we were in earlier stages of this relationship.
Yes, taking a risk is a dumb idea. Ideally couples that plan on marrying should be on the same page about having children.
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

If you want more children, this should be an absolute deal breaker.
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

You need to know - if you're on a different page about this it will cause resentment
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Old 01-20-2013, 08:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Doesn't know if he wants kids.

My husband married a woman who didn't want kids. It was a bait and switch deal. Anyways, it was a deal breaker and I have the best husband and father to my children I could ever ask for.

If he doesn't want kids and you do, the relationship will not work out and I bet you there will be many arguments.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

U could try to talk him into it before the deal break. Tell him that people that didn't want kids and ended up with them anyway, often do not regret having their child and cannot imagine their life anymore with their little family. This is true.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

*without their family
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

But if you got married he would have a step-child...I mean, he must have thought about that. How does he act around your child?

If it were me, I'd just sit him down for a frank, unemotional talk about what each of you ideally wants for your future.

I can actually see a guy not being totally sure at age 31.
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

I am 28. He's great with my kid. He tells me he wants to be a father figure to her, and he would be a good one. He has definitely thought about being a step-dad and is good with that, but he just doesn't know if he wants any of his own. He said he's open to discussing it eventually and if all the conditions were perfect he would want them. I feel like I'm talking in circles and getting really ambiguous answers from him about this. Finally he told me he's 90% sure he will want them. That 10% still scares me some even though I don't want it to.
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

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he just doesn't know if he wants any of his own. He said he's open to discussing it eventually and if all the conditions were perfect he would want them
WHOA, slow it down there, Jerico!

You ALREADY have a child. YOU *KNOW* the conditions are NEVER gonna be 'perfect' to have a child. You never have enough money, your career is never in the perfect place, the house is never the perfect size/location/schools for kids.

If he's waiting for 'perfect', you *KNOW* it's NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. He either doesn't know what it's going to involve, or he's talking you in circles. Neither one is acceptable (especially not at 31yo).
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Doesn't know if he wants kids.

Exactly my thoughts. I told him you can never plan enough to have a child. Somethings just work themselves out. If I had a plan in place before I left my daughter's dad I would have never left him. Obviously we can't be in poverty but what you're saying is absolutely correct. It' just so difficult when I'm so in love to make the wrong decision and lose him.
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